Changes I'm Making

[Wifflesnook]

Please share the wisdom you find there Anne. That poem is beautiful as is the image. Yes I've changed too though Pete would still recognise me.

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne for the "I must decide" It is humbling and inspiring to know that we have a choice. I am choosing to shine, although some days are still very shrouded in the clouds of grief. But I know we are each doing our best to shine. I know, no matter how much I might change, that Doug would still recognize me. Jan, isn't it wonderful that we have this strong faith and love to comfort us and remind us that we are still loved as much as we were when they were standing next to us while we said our vows? I find such great comfort in knowing that, and feeling the constancy and eternal nature of Doug's love for me and mine for him. I think that some days, it is all that keeps me going.

We do change so very much. We move into the days, and into the world, with a different sense of not only who we are, but what the world is around us. A whole new way of being in a whole new place. What an adventure!

namaste,

fae

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, you are truly a most beautiful and generous soul. Thank you for being you, and for sharing your wonderful self with all of us . . . ♥

[enna]

Your words are very kind, Marty. Thank You. We have an amazing group of people here on our forum. How lucky we all are.

Jan, I will share my notes when I finish the webinar with Francis Weller and Carolyn Baker ~ much information that will be good for us.

I know that some of us, most of us, will always miss our soul mates. And yes, they will always know who we are ~ how could they not!

This is indeed an adventure, Fae. And what helps us is that our grief is so welcome here on our forum.

Here are a few books recommended during the webinar for reading:

Entering the Healing Ground by Francis Weller

Grief and Praise by Martin Prechtel

Collapsing Consciously: Transformative Truths for Turbulent Times by Carolyn Baker & John Michael Greer

Francis Weller’s new book that will be released in September is called The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

[LadyCarrie]

❤️

[enna]

I no longer pretend when I feel that my whole world has turned upside down. Grief does that to us and some days it's just necessary to be alright with that.

[Wifflesnook]

That is lovely Anne.

I received a very good lesson from my beloved dog Kelbi today. She has been worrying me as I think she has a limp sometimes. It may be arthritis. She is nine. Anyway this morning she wouldn't come for a walk with me and just sat about and looked subdued. I made an appointment for a check up tomorrow at the vet and worried and worried. She is such a boisterous spaniel and I'm not used to her being slow and sad. Anyway this afternoon I decided to try again and to my amazement she came happily and we walked about two miles (which is usual). So I thought "Jan, live in the moment. Enjoy this moment just as Kelbi is doing. Don't fret, try not to feel sad. Enjoy the sunshine and the landscape and talking to people you meet". So I did. And how my Pete would approve of that! He was good at living in the present. I'm not. I never have been actually but now that my present is a sad one I'm sometimes not sure I want to be in it at all. But here I am, and here I must be. Just be.

[enna]

Yep! You’re so right, dear Jan. Grief certainly takes us through some difficult mazes.

I am so glad Kelbi was able to go for his walk with you. He must have been expressing his independence in the morning.

We both know how empty our lives can be with our Jim and Pete no longer physically with us. We also have learned that they want us to live life as fully as we are able.

It is a real challenge for me to live in the present, also. I guess we have to keep reminding ourselves to do the best we can and let it be all right.

[kayc]

Anne, it's true, we do learn to live with just that, whatever is today, that's what it is.

Jan, Arlie didn't want to go for his walk once, and that's a rarity, and I did the same thing, worried about him, but the next time he went happily. I think sometimes as they get older they just hurt and they know they can't do it at that moment, but then the sun comes out and they feel better and away they go.

[LadyCarrie]

Regarding Kelbi, perhaps, like me, if he has arthritis, it takes a while for the "morning stiffiness" to become less (doesn't go away entirely anymore). Mornings are slower than afternoons. Hopefully he just had a slow start. Sunlight and warmth definitely help. I hope little Kelbi will get a good report from the vet.

I let Callie onto the back deck for about an hour to get sunlight this morning, but this afternoon was too cold for her. She wanted back inside and underneath her light. She'd had enough of the great outdoors. There was rain and snow a few miles "up the hill" at a somewhat higher elevation. We had no precipitation here, but the clouds were promising. Perhaps tomorrow.

Beauregard didn't get to go out onto the deck today at all. We have a worker this week who is terracing a small hill with concrete stones for us. Beauregard would have bellowed at the nearby worker like a bloodhound. We would hate to have our much-needed worker walk off the job because he was bellowed at by a hound. Beauregard is little, but is loud and sings bass.

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Anne,

I'm thinking of you, and I care very much how you are feeling.

Tonight, I am not even challenged to live in the present. I gave up. I don't do that very well. I'll try again tomorrow.

Warm hugs,

Carrie

[feralfae]

Dear Tribe,
I have found living in the present is a true gift. Some days, I am able to stay there for quite a while, enjoying the day. But very often some sight, or situation—or sound perhaps—will trigger a memory, and then my heart travels back and I have no where to go but to follow it, back to the days of happiness, and often back to the days of illness.

Sometimes, I escape into the future, making up dreams of Doug still being here, and what our life would be like if he were still here. Those times of wishful thinking and day dreaming bring tears fairly often, as I sympathetically pull myself back into the present; into this life without Doug.

It is still difficult, this being alone and without him, after being so in love and being with him. Being so deeply in love is such a risky business, because we have truly given our hearts away, shared our spirits, and opened our lives completely to share and mingle it with another. And yes, I now know it is true that great love can bring great sorrow when the Beloved leaves us. But the pain seems ineffable to fully relate to another, so while we do our best, our emotional vocabularies seem far more limiting than our medical vocabularies.

I think when we make time escapes, we are only doing what is human—finding a way to escape the pain of loss when it becomes unbearable. So I let myself slide into memories and dreams, knowing that in a little while, I will gently pull myself out of those places in time, and return to today.

My heart is with you Anne, and Carrie, and Kay, and Jan. I face this life this morning, so grateful for having known Doug, and so deeply empty that he is gone, but with my heart warmed and comforted by the memories of his love and his presence. I know each of us are having these same times and experiences.

Last night, I watched a lovely movie with Judy Dench, "Mrs. Henderson Presents" with Bob Hoskins. It is the true story of a widow in London between the wars, and her "hobby" she took up after her husband died. Well worth the watching. I think it had 4 and a half stars. If you have Amazon Prime, it is free.

Anne, I will be especially thinking of you these next few days. I hold you in my heart.
namaste,
fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae I will look out for that film. I have Prime too but it may be different in the UK.

I took Kelbi to the vet this morning. My dear friend Sandra came too. The vet gave Kelbi a very full examination including her fatty lumps (just that). He saw her limp and said he could hear clicking in the front leg but couldn't find anything else and said her joints seems supple he thinks it is arthritis and has given us anti inflammatory drops. I said I'd read that long term they can cause liver or kidney problems and he said yes it's possible though in his 13 years experience they haven't. But maybe just use them a few weeks. He said not to walk, her so much and this is hard for me because she is my walking companion and I'm not happy to walk without her. But maybe I should. She seems better in the afternoon than the morning. Anyway I am much relieved. Though I did t like him calling her a geriatric dog but she has gone a bit grey! Onward and upward and live in the moment (mostly). Fae I so related to what you said. If we have loved greatly our loss (which I suppose is inevitable for one of the couple) is all the greater.

We three year people have I guess reached a stable place mostly. My grief is ever present and sometimes very very sharp but somehow I get through. How I don't know. I tend to avoid the new grievers on the forum because I can't tell them it gets better with time, just that we get stronger.

[LadyCarrie]

Jan,

I say allow Kelbi to decide whether he wants to walk, and whenever he feels like it. Perhaps he can walk one mile, rather than two ~ shorter walks, yet often. Of course, I'm judging by my own arthritis, and that of two geriatric Doxies. I didn't like our babies being called "geriatric" at the vet's office either, but the truth is we are a geriatric couple with two (then 3) geriatric dogs. Oh, well.

Beauregard could not tolerate his Metacam drops (anti inflammatory), but Callie tolerates it all right. Because she has kidney disease, she can take it only every other day.

I wish you and Kelbi well.

Carrie

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Fae,

Thank you for your post, and for the suggestion of the movie. I will check it out. I do like and admire Judy Dench. We really enjoyed "As Time Goes By" on TV.

Thank you for blessing my life by sharing so much of yours. Thank you for your encouragement. I grab onto every encouraging word said on the forum, and often "copy and paste" them, so I can have them available whenever I need them. I'm trying to learn how to do "this" well. I know everyone here hurts. We hold and uplift each other (we "love one another"). God gives us people, and just the right ones (Thank you, Marty).

Blessings,

Carrie

[MartyT]

I know everyone here hurts. We hold and uplift each other (we "love one another"). God gives us people, and just the right ones (Thank you, Marty).

Yes. And Carrie, my dear, you are SO very welcome. ♥

[feralfae]

Jan, turmeric is also a great anti-inflammatory. I have a friend who sprinkles it on her dog's food. Kelley sounds as though she is her own dog, and knows what she can do and when. I think if you give her options, and maybe shorter walks, things will be fine. She will let you know what she needs. You two are close enough that you can tell what she wants to do. As for a walking partner, I have several available here, but I love my walks as a t time of solitude and allowing meditation, and so although there are lovely friends who would walk with me, I enjoy the time alone. Belleruth has some walking meditations on her CDs, I think.

Yes, Jan, you and Anne and I are all about on the same time frame, and I can see how much more stable we are now, and how much better we are doing at carrying this grief without falling into despair so often. I think we are all doing fine.

Jan, I am thinking of you and Kelbi today as well, as you adjust to this new phase of life. Change is constant. We learn to live through it, and to move into new spaces with grace, don't we?

And yes, we are incredibly fortunate to have Marty.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

I didn't have time to be here yesterday, I was out of town and my day started with the internet being down. It looks like I have a lot of catching up to do!

Carrie, I want to say that I understand your difficulty living in the present right now because your present is very hard right now. Try to just focus on enjoying what you have with Jerry and not thinking about what is to come, as much as you are able to. I think that's what we mean about being in the present. It's enjoying what is rather than focusing on what was or what could be. (((hugs)))

Jan, I think Carrie may have a point about Kelbi. The couple of times Arlie has refused his walk is usually when he is comfy inside his doghouse and doesn't want to move. I've felt like that, all snuggled up in my afghan on the couch. Other times it's when he's been hurting, perhaps arthritis setting in, when he's overdone it by running with the pup...sometimes it takes him a day or two of rest to feel better. And yet another time was when someone showed up that he hadn't seen in a long time, he didn't want to miss out by going for a walk!

fae, Thank you about the Turmeric tip, I had not known that, good to know!

Jan, Re: the "it gets better with time", I think back to the first couple of weeks/months, and yes, it's gotten incredibly better. Better doesn't mean it's ever like it was before, just "better". At that time I was frantic, couldn't sleep, cried a lot, I was at a loss for how to proceed with life. It was the most horrible feeling in the world. Now I have peace and have gotten used to living alone, making my own decisions. It isn't my preference, but it is what it is. I can't say as my life is full of the "big joy" (as I call it) I had when George was alive, but I do try to fully appreciate the "little joys" in my life...I try not to do a comparison because that is negative and defeating for me. For instance, I could focus on how my life used to be, the camping trip we'd be on this weekend if George were alive, but to do so would bring me down, so instead I try to stay in the moment and appreciate my dog and cats and having a roof over my head. (13 months ago I needed a "roof over my head" so I appreciate it fully now! )

[kayc]

Here's some more information about Turmeric & dogs (BTW, it's good for people too!)

http://healthydogclub.com/2012/12/reasons-why-you-should-give-your-dog-turmeric/

Note: Do NOT give with aspirin & other NSAIDs! dosage (dogs) 1/8-1/4 tsp. per 10 lbs. Check with vet before giving to little dogs.

[enna]

It is a journey that we are all learning how to walk. How nice that we do not have to do it alone.

We must all do the work & walk our own path. ~ heart emoticon ~

[enna]

A perfect quote reminding us that we CAN do the impossible. I have found that Kelly Buckley's daily quotes help me jumpstart my day.

Start by doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

~ St. Francis of Assisi ~

[Wifflesnook]

Yes Anne, I truly believe I am doing the impossible. Before Pete died I would have thought that living still would have been impossible. But I am still here even though sometimes I wish I were not. Yet I know I must keep myself alive as long as possible for my grand daughters sakes. And maybe I still have things to do. But sometimes .......

[feralfae]

"Start by doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

~ St. Francis of Assisi ~ "

Thank you for that, Anne. Isn't that our journey? I remember when all that was possible was brushing my teeth and hair and drinking water, and eating if someone put food in front of me. I think each of you went through that phase of being barely able to do what was necessary. And now, I think we are doing what is possible, and dreaming of doing the impossible. Well, some days, dreams still feel impossible, but not as often these days.

I am home from the Wind River Mountains and reservation, having sprinkled red ochre on the graves of loved ones, scattered some of Doug's ashes in a place he loved to play, and then sprinkled red ochre there as well.

My girlfriends took good care of my house and plants. All is well.

I feel as though I have entered a room from which I have been absent for a while. I imagine we are having tea with delicious little cream cheese, olive, and walnut sandwiches on dark brown bread, and maybe some watercress sandwiches, too. And stuffed eggs. (There are too many chickens where I was, and so I was making stuffed eggs by the dozens! And one person made a huge popover, and I will post a photo soon, because it looked like a marvelous Martian pastry! We had to buy only a few groceries, as we had so many eggs and egg dishes which we enjoyed. And elk burgers.

I saw a tiny baby antelope, and of course many calves. I drove home today: 525 miles, ten hours, missing all of the many wild animals playing and living in the Tetons and Yellowstone country. My Honda did very well, and now has 200K+ miles on it. I also tore an ankle tendon and will begin PT for it tomorrow. I have a brace for it. And I'll be using turmeric, internally as well as topically (mixed in coconut oil)to reduce the inflammation, so it can heal more easily. And I found several videos on PT for the condition, and I will get it checked out by the doc too.

It feels good to be back among you. {{{hugs}}}

Tomorrow is the First of June. I hope we each have a beautiful and peaceful day.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I am delighted to see you back, dear Fae. Yes, we have come a long way from where we were three years ago. We have each done it our way just as we have learned that it is our journey and we must walk it but never alone.

I am so sorry that you have injured your ankle. Wishing you a quick healing. I know it won't be quick though!

I'll be looking forward to seeing the pictures of the popovers.

I hope you will have time to sit and be quiet for a while and catch up on our forum friends.

Big news ~ our dear Kay is a grandma if you haven't seen that yet. Our newest members remind me of my early grief and my heart just aches for them. They will need our listening ears and open hearts to help them walk their grief paths.

I cannot believe that we are in yet another month of 2015 and we will continue to do the impossible.

[LadyCarrie]

We missed you, Fae. Happy you are home, and so sorry you hurt your ankle.

Carrie