Grief........ongoing Grief.....changing Me

[grummanred@hotmail.com]

July 11, is again in the offing.........and I can already feel the heaviness......2 years ago, my wonderful Hubby passed from this world........sadness and missing him so terribly overwhelms me......July is devastating.........since he's been gone, I'm changed........can't make a decision....if I make a simple commitment, I change it......one day I want/ like something, the next day I do not......make vacation plans and never follow through.......I feel as though I have lost my footing, my foundation.......is the inability to make a decision part of grief?????? Is anyone out there experiencing the same feelings......please share if so.......thanks

I am new to this site.......as of today....so please forgive if something is amiss.....

Peace,

[enna]

First of all I’d like to express my condolences for your loss. I am sorry that the month of July is so devastating for you. I so remember those early months of grief. I can relate to your feeling of not being able to make decisions and follow through. Doing almost anything was scary to me after my Jim died. This puzzled me because during our forty years of marriage I was very independent. After Jim's death, I had trouble concentrating. I had trouble focusing on things that needed to be done.

I made plans to do something and never followed through. I guess what I’m saying is that in grief it is normal to experience almost anything. Maybe that is why they tell us not to make any big decisions for a while. We really do become absent-minded.

I found that the first year I was just numb. I don't remember much. The second year was very hard for me because the reality of Jim's death started to set in. I too didn't want to follow through with anything. I wanted Jim to be with me and nothing else mattered. I tried to get back into civilization by going to lunches with friends, starting up a new hobby, and even doing a little traveling. I canceled lunches many times and even called off a trip out of town. So, you see, many of us experience what you are going through.

It does pass. I have been without my Jim now for 37 months and today I feel much more in control of my emotions. I still have those very hard days when anniversaries, birthdays or other special days come up, but it is easier. I am less absent-minded ~ well, most of the time. I am changed. I don't smile as often.

It is taking work to find what my life will be about now. Each one of us is different. It depends on what age you are. I was already retired.

I am glad you found this place. Those here understand. It helps to tell our stories.

Anne

[iPraiseHim]

I too, acknowledge your pain and grief. I feel like I should be further along. Its easy to judge myself harshly because of my own self expectations. When my wife died, my whole world flipped. By Gods grace I found this safe haven where I can read and pray for others like you and not feel like I'm being judged. Our feelings are our own. I change my mind frequently because my life is different now and I'm rediscovering the I in we. My wife and I were together, united as one for over 25 years. Her heart is intertwined in mine. Now although her physical presence is gone, she is still a part of me. I don't have answers and the pain at times seems unbearable.

Yet I wake up each day to face whatever life brings me. It helps me to know there are others out here like me, grieving the loss of our spouses. Grief is personal and intimate just like my personal relationship with my wife. I'm working on focusing just on this day and to write down accomplishments I've made. It is for me to review and remember on those days when I feel like my life is unraveling.

Please know that there are many here who read your posts and walk along side of you on your journey, Hang in there. Remember to get enough sleep, exercise and eat to nourish your body. It helps me to journal to my wife even though I usually end up crying. I miss her so much. I look forward to the time when we will be together again. Shalom

[kayc]

I am so sorry you also lost your spouse. I lost mine ten years ago, it's hard to believe it's been that long and that I've somehow survived. This forum has been a lifesaver to me over the years, knowing there are others here that understand and knowing we aren't crazy that what we feel is normal, it helps. I hope you find comfort and encouragement as you come here.

[Wifflesnook]

Yes you will find people here who understand. I'm the same distance away from my beloved Pete's death as Anne is and like her I find it almost impossible to remember the first year afterwards. And the second one was more painful as its when it sinks in that it's going to carry on being that way. I suppose I can say that the third year I've found a bit more equilibrium but I feel the pain often. If that sounds a bit bleak I hope you won't take it that way. I've always found that what helps me is to hear people,acknowledge my grief and pain and not tell me it will go away. It changes. It changes you. You cope. You get stronger. I feel for you and I hope you will talk to us. Jan

[Dew's Girl]

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel. July 13th will be 6 months since my Daniel left us.

I have begun to think of us survivors as amputees. We've lost a piece of ourselves. I hear that people who have lost a limb sometimes still feel it... phantom limb syndrome. 6 months in and I still expect to turn over in bed and feel his warm body there with me. When I get together with friends or family, they are always awkward and don't know whether to talk about it or not just like people sometimes don't know how to be around those who have been amputated. I guess I will live through this, but I will never be the same.

[Suitearia]

There are many of us here who understand how you feel. June 30th at 630 am was the 2 month anniversary of my husband's, Ric, death.

I was reading last night that as most of weren't with our loved ones 24/7 it's that way in the afterlife as well. They don't hang around us 24/7. However, Ric and I were together pretty much 24/7 as I worked from home for many years (and I still do) and he had retired August of 2011. We did not have an extensive network of friends. We pretty much did everything together. I believe what I'm going to quote to you came from a John Holland book.

"No matter how someone passes or how long ago it happened, we're never separated from our loved ones. Neither distance, time, nor death can ever separate us. We are, and always will be connected to each other. Love is truly everylasting".

[Froggie4635]

Dear Suzanne,

You and Ric sound like Mark and I. Most of our free time was spent with each other. When we weren't working, we were with each other. Even when we went to a family event, we were together. Counting by weeks, today is 30 weeks that Mark died. It is still as fresh this morning as it was that Thursday morning December 4. I still see the faces of his family as they arrived at the emergency room, in shock and grief. It feels somewhat surreal. Am I wrong for going back to that memory? It was a day that altered my life forever. Just like the day we met and the day we were married. Life changing. I still don't let myself dwell on the thought of a life without Mark. When I think of it, only a few seconds is as much as I can. I know I have made great strides since that day in December. But many times I still feel so broken. To the outside world I am "doing great"...but inside is that voice saying "Mark is gone, Mark is gone". I still say "How can that be?". I am expected to go on, to pick up the pieces and continue. Some days I can't make myself get up off the couch, or I just wander through the house, like I am looking for something. I am not mental...I know Mark is gone. Like Amy said, it feels like an amputation. I know I will have his love until we are together again, but I am still selfish in that I would rather have him here now.

[kayc]

Me too, Maryann.

[grummanred@hotmail.com]

I'm crying as I read through the responses to my post......thank you to all the posted......I offer my condolences re your individual loss......

July 11 is close and my heart feels it....❤️..I miss him so.....I miss his spirit of caring, the calm spirit of his presence.......I'm trying hard to take care of myself.......sleep, eat, exercise and attend to my spiritual needs.......yet I feel as if I am just going through the motions.......I've lost my footing somehow.....

I think I will stay on this site......feels comfortable and safe at this time......

Peace,

Cally

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

Those anniversary of death marks can really hit us. Do you have plans on the 11th? Sometimes having a plan for the day helps. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, I hope you come to this site.

[grummanred@hotmail.com]

Thanks KayC.....good point to have a plan for challenging and difficult times.......interesting, how we know how to logically handle some of the issues related to grieving, yet emotionally it is a totally different situation........seems as though the heart, (at least mine) is not connected to the brain anymore............my heart is speaking for itself....... ❤️........

[kayc]

That's a good way to put it. We can go through the motions, functioning at work, paying bills, cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, but it seems anything more than that and we're at a loss. Holidays are still hard for me, I'm alone and when George was here, everything was different, it was fun, I had something to look forward to.

[Froggie4635]

I haven't had a hard time yet with the summer holidays. We really didn't do much to celebrate them, except maybe spend time with Mark's family. I went to church with my mother-in-law last night. She scheduled a mass in Mark and his dad's honor. Yesterday was 7 months Mark is gone...Mark's dad died in August 2013. Since it was the 4th of July, they played some patriotic songs, songs that I knew Mark would like to hear. He had so much love for his country and it was hard for me to listen to the message of the mass, because I was thinking about Mark. There are times when I don't want to do anything but think about him. When I am at work, I function like I am at work (but he crosses my mind there too). It is easier at work to not let the thought of life without Mark slip in my present thinking. This will be a stressful couple weeks; we are going to have our annual accounting audit (we are a not-for-profit).

I still try and just focus on one day at a time. Seven months doesn't feel like seven months...time just seems to be going along at a very quick pace, carrying me along with it. I can only think back to a few days that stick out with any significance. All the others were just a period of hours to get through. My schedule isn't really much different than it was before Mark died...it is just that now he isn't here to make it have meaning. I don't have his smile to lift my spirits when I have a bad day, I don't have his understanding smile...I don't get to hear him say "Get out of my head" when we had the same thought about dinner or whatever else we were discussing. I can't reach over and touch his arm and I go to get out of the car and lean in to have my series of kisses to start my day. How am I supposed to get used to that?

[KarenK]

I have managed to get through the second anniversary of Ron's death back on May 5. Last year at this time, my Debbie was struggling to make it to her 50th birthday, July 15 which is approaching as is the first anniversary of her death on July 27. Both will be sad times for me.

Sometimes I feel like the blasted Energizer Bunny who just keeps "going and going". Other times, my batteries are dead. The 4th was fairly quiet here. Not too many neighbors setting off fireworks. Several displays around the valley, but I just stayed inside. Have seen enough fireworks in my time.

Thinking of you on the 11th, Cally

Karen

[MartyT]

And we will be thinking of you, dear Karen ♥

[kayc]

And I will be thinking of you on the 15th, Karen.