Feelings of guilt and regret

[Ricky]

Hi all,

This is my very first post. I feel like the pain is unbearable at the moment. I was searching online for suggestions on dealing with grief and that is how I found this site..

 

My partner, Andre, passed away on 25 July 2015 at the age of 31. We have been together for 14 years. He had an aneurysm in his brain that ruptured. He was never sick or experienced headaches. It was completely out of the blue and totally unexpected. It's been a few weeks now and I can not imagine how I can live this life without him. In my head I know that Andre will not come back but deep down I am still hoping that he will walk back in through the door one day.. Every morning when I wake up I am confused and for a short moment think that it was just a nightmare until I see a photo of him, his ashes and flowers and then I feel like someone is stabbing me right in the heart.

 

In addition to the grief and missing my partner terribly I also have a lot of guilt in me.. 

On the day it happened my partner drove my sister and I to a ferry port very early in the morning. My sister was visiting from abroad and we (sister & I) planned to spend two days on an island. We were running late and there was a lot of traffic on the road. I could sense that my partner was very stressed when he was driving and the atmosphere was tense. After dropping us off at the port my partner returned home and about 45 mins later he called the ambulance. They arrived very quickly but the doctors said there was nothing they could do. The doctor later told me later that high blood pressure and stress can contribute to rupturing the aneurysm and ever since I feel very guilty that I have contributed to my partner's passing. I am thinking that if we had left home earlier that day he would not have been stressed and it would not have happened that day.. 

 

I have had one session with a counsellor and she told me that it could have happened another day under worse circumstances (maybe driving a car and hurting others as well). I feel that logically it makes sense what she is saying but my heart can not forgive myself. 

 

I wonder if others have experienced feelings of guilt after their partner has passed and ways of dealing with the pain in general?

 

Many thanks in advance

[MartyT]

My dear Ricky, I am so very sorry to learn of the tragic death of your beloved Andre, and although I understand how and why you are holding yourself so responsible for his death, I hope in time you will take your counselor's words to heart. The aneurysm in Andre's brain could have burst at any time and place, and maybe in far worse circumstances. There is no way you or he could have predicted this, much less have any control over when and how it happened. 

In any event, I can tell you that the feelings we have in the wake of a death like this are not always rational, logical or justified. Although we cannot control how we feel, it's important to keep in mind that just because you are feeling a certain way, it doesn't mean that your feelings are based in reality. That is, just because you are feeling guilty, it does not follow that you are, in fact, guilty as charged. This is why it's so important to share what happened with others who can see the situation and the circumstances more objectively than you can right now. It's good to know that you are seeing a counselor, and I'm pleased to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. 

I encourage you to do a bit of reading about this (very, very common) feeling of guilt that follows the death of a loved one, in hopes that it will give you a better understanding of this feeling, as well as some tools you can use to work with it. See Grief And The Burden of Guilt, and be sure to follow some of the links listed under the Related Articles header.

[scba]

Dear Ricky, 

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's so recent that it's normal to feel so much pain and despair. What have helped me the most has been attending my sessions with my counselor because with time my grief became more and more private. It took me 6 months to leave the couch in which I spent most of the day watching tv. You deal with pain one day at a time. 

Feeling guilty is very normal but with time you'll realize that there's nothing you can do nor it's your fault that your partner died. I felt guilty that my boyfriend decided to go on a surgery (that killed him) to improve his quality of life (and so ours). I felt that if he hadn't met me he wouldn't have taken that decission. I also felt terrible that I was unnable to utter a sentence when I visited him at the ICU, he's in coma and I was completely in panic and overwhelmed by machines, nurses, sounds. I kept thinking that If I said something maybe he would have waken up by hearing my voice. With counseling I'm still learning to deal with these thoughts. 

I'm very sorry for the loss of your partner. 

 

Edited August 27, 2015 by scba

[enna]

Ricky,

I am so sorry that you have lost your partner, Andre, in such a traumatic way. As in any death that comes without warning, there is always disbelief and confusion. Of course, you are in shock. Of course, you feel guilty. Please remember that those feelings of guilt are just that ~ they are feelings only. Andre’s aneurysm could have come at any time just as your counselor suggested.

I hope you continue with your counselor who will be able to help you through this sad time. Guilt is a very common feeling for anyone who has lost a loved one. As a caregiver to my husband for five years, I was always wondering if I did the best I could. Guilt creeps in no matter what.

I see our moderator, Marty, has already given you articles to read. And I hope you continue to come here for sharing your grief is another way to come to terms with it.

Anne

[debi.williams]

My Dear Ricky, I so understand your loss and confusion and feelings of guilt. I lost my beloved partner to exactly the same less than 1 month ago. He was 49. He had had a short nap and had got up and complained that the freezer door wouldn't close. He took a mallet to the ice and then I heard him shout he was dizzy. I ran in and found him on the floor and he asked me for aspirin, then sugar as I think he thought he was having a diabetic attack even though he wasn't diabetic. His body was wet and cold. I live in a foreign country and didn't know the number for an ambulance and my beloved was able to focus enough to tell me, I'll never know how. He then vomited everywhere and tried to get to a small bottle of water. I opened it for him and wiped away the vomit as I was worried about him choking.He never spoke again.  We had a high speed ambulance chase to 2 different hospitals but he was in a deep coma from which he never awoke. Less than 27 hours later we switched the machines off. My wonderful man suffered with high blood pressure, and the doctors told me that it could happen at any time. Had it happened 2 hours earlier we were both in the car and he was driving fast enough for me to ask him to slow down. If it had happened then our 15 year old son would be an orphan now.  I was told that the slightest effort could have triggered it. It was not a case of if but 'when'

I loved this man to the very depth of my soul and will continue to love him for the rest of my earthly life and then beyond. 3 hours earlier he had been chatting away and I was really tired and asked him to be quiet for a little while as I was tired. What I would give to hear him chatting away again. To hear his wonderful, soothing voice. I feel so much guilt about that.

Andre knew you loved him Ricky. You cannot sum up 14 years in one tense car ride. That is not what your relationship was about. That moment of stress could not have been the cause of his vessel bursting, please believe me on that. My stubborn man never really got his blood pressure under control and even though I tried to bully, coax and cajole him to (he hated doctors) I failed. feel immeasurable guilt for that.

I have as yet Ricky, no answers for dealing with the pain. Everything hurts from the sheer physical loss of him to knowing that such unconditional love I received from my soulmate was extraordinary. His shoes on the stair and his shirts in the wash basket make me weep out loud and moan with the pain. Putting the key in the door from another mundane but essential task such as shopping and realising he will never be on the sofa watching an episode of Monk with his headphones on and leap up to kiss me is too much for a human to bear. 

My heart goes out to you and to all the others on here who feel helpless and hopeless. I know though that grief is the price we pay for love but guilt isn't. Andre loved you and continues to and that alone makes you extraordinary. I wish us all peace and light in this hideous darkness XXX

[kayc]

Ricky,

You are not alone on this site. I am so sorry for your loss of Andre.  Anyone would expect they would have years and years left, and yet, as we have learned, death can come at any time and there's no way we could anticipate or expect it.  Marty expressed very well what I would say to you.  Our feelings aren't based in truth, they are just there to contend with.  The truth is you had a loving relationship for 14 years and were everything to each other and this is so unfair.

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, they can help you through the labyrinth as right now nothing probably makes sense to you.  I hope you will continue to come here and post as it does help to express what's inside.

Try to remember that while Andre's body died, the two of you's love did not.  Our energy never dies, it merely changes form, and somewhere out there, our loved ones exist, in a different form, and it's my personal belief that we will be together again someday.

My heartfelt prayers are with you this day.

[Ricky]

Dear Marty, scba, Anne, debbi.williams and KayC,

Thank you so much for the posts and links to reading material.

When I wrote my post yesterday I just wanted to get the feelings out of my head and down on ‘paper’. I honestly never expected to receive such warm hearted, honest and helpful replies.

I feel very alone in my grief at times and I am glad I have found this site. Thank you!

[kayc]

I hope you'll continue to come here.  While it is a solo journey, it helps to share our journeys here.  I've gleaned so much from those on this site.

[debi.williams]

Dear Ricky,

It is 5 weeks ago to the day my husband died and I came to this site as usual to get comfort and I just wondered how you are doing?

[Suitearia]

Hello Ricky.  I am so sorry for your loss and this is a good place to share and be a part of a community.   I lost my Ric on May 1st from metatstatic cancer.  He'd been ill many years and while I new he was dying, hearing the words "I'm sorry but he just expired" ripped my world and my soul in 2. 

I've gotten a lot of help here from people who've been on our path for many years.   Hang in there Ricky ... hang in there. 

[Ricky]

Dear Debi, thank you so much for your post. I have been thinking about you a few times since my first post because your beloved husband suffered from an aneurysm too only about a week after my partner, passed away.. How are you doing and how is your son?

Dear Suitearia, I am so sorry for your loss of Ric. I guess even if you know that your partner is very ill for many years there is nothing that can possibly prepare you for their passing and what follows after.

This week has been very tough.. My sister has told me on Wed. that she is 15 weeks pregnant. Part of me is happy for them but at the same time it tears my up in pieces when I think that my partner and I will never be able to have kids and I will never see him becoming a parent.. My partner and I planned to have kids in the near future and receiving the news that my sister is pregnant made me realise that everyone else's' life is going on and my life has just stopped the day Andre left me. I always imagined Andre to be a great dad and it makes me incredibly sad that he is missing out on so many experiences.

Since my sisters announcement about the pregnancy I feel completely numb again (like I felt the very first few days after my partner's passing) and I have not cried in a couple of days. I feel this immense sadness in me but can not find a way to express it at the moment. I also feel like I am going back to the initial 'foggy state' where I was absolutely confused and could not believe what has happened. 

The other thing that worries me is living on my own in the house.  

My partner and I migrated six years ago from Switzerland to Australia. I have left all my family behind to build a live here with my partner. At the moment my brother is living with me but he will return to Switzerland in mid September. I am worried that reality will finally hit me when it is just me and my dog in the house.. 

[kayc]

Ricky, I am sorry for the feelings you are going through, it is hard.  When I lost my first grandbaby (I got the news on Mother's Day that she miscarried) and everyone else's were advancing, it was real tough for me.  Another child in our church is the same age that one would have been and every time I see him it is a reminder of that loss, even though he's adorable and I'm so glad for them that they have him.

Sometimes life's unfairness is just hard to take.

[debi.williams]

Dear Ricky, So good to hear from you but my heart goes out to you regarding the news from your sister. It is so so hard as this is the life you and Andre would have  had too in time. There are no words that can comfort you I'm afraid and I echo KayC about the unfairness of life. It is just wrong. Plain wrong and I wish I could do something, anything to make it right for you. 

I wouldn't panic about going back to the numb and foggy stage. I think that is normal as grief has no exact timeline and I ricochet between, foggy/numb/disbelief/weeping and zombie. Sometimes one state lasts the whole day sometimes it changes hour by hour. Sudden death does that I think.

I can't compare in distance with you as that is quite a move you made, but I left UK to live in Belgium as that is where my Mathew was living. I have no living family now just my son. Thank you so much Ricky for asking after him. He is quite withdrawn and keeps sighing so heavily. He isn't even aware of the sighing it is involuntary as if it it almost a comfort to him. I read that sighing and yawning are grief symptoms. I feel we are 2 survivors of a shipwreck and we are clinging to each other until help arrives. 

I totally tune into your fear about being in the house just you and your dog when your brother leaves. Do you have any good close friends there? Could one of them come and stay even for s short time or even for the odd night? I wish we lived closer we have almost too much in common you and I.

 

[Ricky]

KayC, I am very sorry you lost your first grand-baby and getting the news on a day like Mothersday must have been incredibly painful! I agree that life's unfairness is too hard to take... I often question myself 'why?'... I can't find an explanation and it just makes no sense to me why some of us get to live a long life and others are taken so very early.

Debi, seeing your son like this must be so very hard. Not only have you lost your partner, your best friend and soul-mate but also the dad of your son. I am sure a parent would do anything to take away the pain of it's child. 

I like your analogy (-> is this the correct English word?) with the shipwreck. I feel very similar at the moment. Up until now my live seemed to me 'stable or predictable', a bit like a train that knows in which direction it is going. Since Andre's passing I feel completely lost, with no help in sight. 

Wow - we do have much in common, Debi. I got goosebumps when I read that you left the UK to live in Belgium. 

Asking a friend to come and stay with me the odd night sounds like a good idea. My counsellor also suggested that I turn on the radio or tv and the lights a bit more often. 

I think I read that you are going back to work today. I hope it will go ok! 

Edited September 7, 2015 by Ricky

[debi.williams]

Hi Ricky, Your comment as to why some get to live a long life (and not always the best people) and others have it cut so short really resonates with me. I keep asking myself the same question. KayC my heart goes out to you.

Ricky, it is hard seeing our son like this and I am weeping for his loss as much as my own and all the tomorrows he will never share with his dad. Our son has a huge heart and has never given us a moment of trouble. He must wonder to himself why this has happened to him and feel like he is being punished somehow. This morning as he left for school he turned out of habit, towards his dad's car (his dad always dropped him off) and then his shoulders dropped and he trudged away in the opposite direction. 

I like your analogy too as a train which knows in which direction it is going and now you are totally derailed. Boy do I get that. Like you, I had my life planned and even if it didn't all go to plan we always knew we had each other.

Thanks so much for remembering I start work today. I am sitting at my desk and unfortunately it is just as hellish as I knew it would be. everyone is very kind but I don't want to speak to anyone I just want to be alone in the dark or with our son, Max. All the reminders of him are here from the orchids he bought me to the packets of tea and biscuits we bought for clients and dropped off here on his last day alive. I keep expecting his car to draw up just to see how I am doing. It amazes me how such grief doesn't kill the griever. I just received a text and I autmatically imagined it was from him.

How much longer do you have with your brother? Is it mid September he leaves ? Do try and get a friend to stay. Eat something together and enjoy a glass of wine or whatever is your drink. Even if it is for the odd night here and there it will break the monotony. I think your counsellor's advice is good too as a little background noise and light makes everything feel a little less empty. Silence has a sound unfortunately and it is deafening. Wished you lived closer Ricky and everyone else on this site. That would be one hell of a support group!

[kayc]

Today is a holiday in the US, but I had to work (volunteer as Treasurer) and it's been a hard day for me.  This is the holiday my family most enjoyed when I had young kids growing up, we always went camping with our church friends, and there was always someone to go on a bike ride or hike with, lots of food, great times around the camp fire, fishing, boating, games, etc.  Now it's just a day like any other with chores and...alone.

 

[KarenK]

I hear you, Kay. Funny how holidays gave us something to look forward to. Now they are just another day. I used to decorate the house for Halloween and dress as a witch to give out candy. Now, I don't even turn the lights on. If Ron were here, no doubt we would be at the cabin which is also gone, of course. I don't even recognize myself or my life anymore and just can't get out of the rut. Although not particularly religious, I have been attending different churches in the hope that I might make friends and find a "home". Just anything to put some joy into my life.

Off topic, but I spent the morning in the ER yesterday. Am having severe lower back pain. Was sure it was a UTI, but they said no. Could not figure it out, so they gave me a script for pain meds which have helped. If it persists, I guess I'll go to the doctor. Boy, if it's not one thing, it's another.

Please take care.

Love,

Karen

[kayc]

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry to hear that!  Bummer, totally!  I hope your doctor can figure it out.  

I spent Thursday and Friday at the hospital with my friend Jim (CHF), at the same time my sister was being discharged after her operation, and another sister went to the hospital for choking (wanted to make sure everything was out).  What a week!  I'm hoping everyone can stay out of hospitals the rest of this month!

[enna]

Karen,

Hope you are feeling better. Back pain can be tricky to DX. Don't wait too long to go back to the doctor. 

Kay,

It is time you have a break from 'things happening' ~ I'm still praying for your friend, Jim. And I am glad your sisters are all right. 

Anne

[debi.williams]

Dear Karen, I was just wondering how you are feeling? Any improvement in your back pain? I hope you find some solace at one of the churches, I find that I can't even pray at the moment I don't think it is anger at God, just a feeling of hopelessness.I absolutely agree when you say you don't recognise your life anymore. It has only been just under 6 weeks for me but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the supermarket and I didn't recognise the face staring back at me. Nothing is 'normal' anymore everything is different and yet everyone around me is living the same life.

[kevin]

Karen....I never thought of Halloween...it will be different......Christmas decorations/tree will be minimized....will be different..

[kayc]

When George died,I decided to keep getting him a Christmas ornament and I put all his ornaments on the tree.  They have special meaning and it helps.  I also write something I remember about him and put it in his stocking.