New member...here is my story...please help

[redwendy]

I am a new member who recently lost her husband.  It was a second marriage for both of us; me having two children to my previous marriage.  My girl is 10 and my boy is 5.  And Andy jumped on board from the time he met them and accepted them as his own.  The boy was his entire world. We met in 2012 and were married may 24th, 2014.  Everything was pretty close to perfect

On August 23rd, 2015 Andy fell down our stairs while taking our son to the pool.  The boy saw it all.  EMT responded and immediately ordered a life flight.  Frantically I grabbed his glasses and cigarettes because he "need them in a few days"....

Within an hour or two of waiting at the hospital the neurologists came to the family to tell us that there was little hope. His head injuries were so extensive that even if we chose to operate to relive pressure from his brain; my best would be that he would be in a vegetative state.

The next few days were to be expected.  I spent a small portion of time begging him to wake up so I could speak with him and then realized that it was a blessing that he was never conscience from point of impact because of the amount of pain he would be in.

I spent the next part of that afternoon realizing that if he could sit up right then and there he would rip out the respirator and tell us all go home.  We were waiting for him to let go naturally so that we could donate as many organs as possible. The nurses were very black and white with me.  They told me that it could happen today...tomorrow...weeks from now...but the end result would be the same.  Andy would not want to put us threw that.  I gathered his family and suggested that we schedule to take out the respirator.

Later that evening his body started to let go of the 3 of the remaining protective responses that the brain has to let go to be pronounced brain dead.  We regrouped and decided to wait. 

On August 25th, 2015 at 6:26PM Andy let go.  He was able to save the lives of 5 different people through his gift of organ donation and give them a second chance of a life that was taken from him.  Taken from us.

I could write a novel as to the decisions that I have had to make and what I've been through since his death.  My life is unraveling in ways I haven't expected.  The universe is a paper shredder to me right now.  I open my eyes to a wall of pain that is crippling and I don't want to put my feet on the floor.

I wish the f****** world would stop until I can get my head above the water.  But it doesn't.  I have to get up each day and struggle thru for my children.....who need me more than ever...and I have absolutely nothing to give anybody.  My best moments are distractions at best...going out with friends....then coming home to the void.  I hate to be at home.  if I could burn down my bedroom I would.  I stand at the threshold and stare at that empty bed and the pain and sorrow envelop me like a straight jacket. 

Sometimes I lay on the ground at the base of the steps where his body was.  Other times I stand in his closet desperately trying to smell the fading scent of his cologne in his shirt collars. 

it is getting worse for me.  I know this is still fresh...and I know "it takes time"...and I'll "never be the same"......but there is no relief from the pain.  it is constant and all consuming.  If I didn't have kids I would follow him...I don't want to feel like this and more importantly I don't want to be in a world without him. 

Having said that.....I am forcing myself to make steps...I start a new therapist tonight and I have a family grief counseling session scheduled in two weeks.  I joined this site as another attempt to promote healing. 

I guess what I need to know is what do I have to expect?  I know that i will get through this....I am getting through this now.  One second at a time.....despite my lack luster attitude.  But when do things begin to be positive?  When will I be able to appreciate a joyous occasion (like my son's bday yesterday) with it being immediately followed by a wall of pain?  I know that everyone's journey is different...and it is one of the most isolated journey's a person can go thru.....but there has to be some commonality. 

Tell me that I will genuinely smile again

Tell me that I will love again

Tell me that i will feel someone's hands on me again

Tell me that I will be adored again

Cause right now......I am struggle to even breathe

[KATPILOT]

Oh this is so hard redwendy. Your journey is just beginning and I can not tell you at all what to expect. I can say that you found the right place where you can find comfort and compassion as you travel along this sad and difficult path. Lot's of warm caring people here.

[Harleyquinn]

RedWendy, i'm so sorry for your loss but i'm glad you found this forum

I wish there was a timeline and someone could say in X amount of days life will seem bearable, and even enjoyable, again. unfortunately for each person the time is different.

This site is wonderful, and really does promote healing. I have not been around very long but the difference from when I first posted to now is really astounding. 

It sounds like you have taken some really positive steps with setting up grief counseling~!

[Guest]

Redwendy-

How awful for you. First know what you are going through most of us are going through; just at different durations. For me it's been seventy-five days. My days for the most part are better than they were in August (the first month). My lows are not so black. You are taking control and not giving in to the grief and I believe that is the best anyone can ask for at this point. I am doing everything I can to get a handle on things simply because I'm terrified of what I might become if I don't. 

Welcome to the discussion group. I hope you find the support you are going to need. It has to be difficult going through what you are going through and having youngsters to care fore as well. 

[enna]

Dear Redwendy,

I am so sorry to hear of the tragic death of your Andy. Of course, you are struggling to breathe. I wish I had answers to your cries:

"Tell me that I will genuinely smile again

Tell me that I will love again

Tell me that i will feel someone's hands on me again

Tell me that I will be adored again"

I don't have answers for you, but I do believe that we are resilient humans and anything is possible.

This tragedy you are suffering will take time. It is your time and you will do all that you are able to do ~ please allow that to be enough.

I am so very glad you are seeing a grief counselor ~ good for you. I am glad you are here for there are many people who validate our grief.

Anne

[kevin]

Redwendy, read your piece twice and I was truly touched..........I know you will smile again, soon, now for the rest, only time will tell. What you will find out is you never will get over this, and things will never be as they were.........But I know this Forum has people who are a wealth of knowledge and compassion....Marty is half Angel

[kayc]

Redwendy,

I am so sorry you lost your husband...so young, so unexpectedly.  Everyone's grief journey is different, as are their choices, coping skills, etc., so no one can answer you how long until you smile again, etc.  But know this:  You will smile again.  I don't know when, only that it will happen.  You are going through a lot and I am glad you are getting therapy as well as family counseling, it is a necessity.  I hope you have a good support system, people you can talk to that care.  Yes, one second at a time, that's about right.  I hope you will continue to come here, it helps to know you're heard and that there's people that understand.

[Scottsgirl]

Redwendy,

I am truly sorry for your loss. I am now at the day 25 mark since my beloved husband left me and encounter that wall you spoke of on a daily basis. 

Today is the Canadian thanksgiving and I found myself thinking  about all the wonderful things I am thankful for that he brought to my life. Believe it or not they have allowed me to have a more peaceful day than I have had for the entire 25 days. That is not to say the heartache won't be back with a vengeance tomorrow. 

I can't tell you when you will feel better, I think we are on a journey to rediscover ourselves and that just takes time. I know I hate it when people tell me it takes time, but like it or not that just seems to be the way it is. 

Great decision to seek councelling, I know mine seems to help a little, as do the wonderful supportive people here, who know a whole lot more about grief than I do. 

Continue to be the amazing mother that you are, our children can help us see the important things in our new lives. We will see them when the time is right for each of us. 

I hope you find some measure of peace in the coming days. 

Cheers!

[Cathyc]

Redwendy, I have received endless amounts of inspiration from others here who have been though a LOT of grief. It really helps a lot to come back here, read their advice and experiences, and understand you are not alone. I have learned I can survive a lot more than i thought I was capable of, and not only that, but use it as a growth experience that is making me a better person. No one can guarantee your future and whether you will receive this or that but I can tell you for sure that many people here have set a strong example as to what is possible if we draw on the support around us (including the good folks who post here).

[iPraiseHim]

Redwendy,Thank you for sharing your extreme sudden loss of your husband. Sudden death has a trauma as well.  You are already beginning your healing journey through grief and all of us in this group can empathize with your loss.  your questions show that you want to learn how to cope and deal with your loss.  Your grief is deep because your loss is deep.  We understand and go through similar thoughts and feelings.  Feel free to read others post and sharing what helps.  This is a great support group of loving caring people who are on the same journey as you.  I'm learning to take one day and sometimes one moment at a time.  I write, journal, cry, scream, and do what I find works to help me cope with the loss of my beloved wife.  The first step, for me, was to learn to care for myself.ie, get enough sleep, pray, eat healthier, and talking to a friend that understands what this grief is about.  Your are on the right path.  Keep coming back and sharing when you can.  It really helped me to read other posts, friends here, Marty's tips and suggestions.  I will be praying for your healing and restoration,  Shalom, George  

 

[debi.williams]

Redwendy, I am so so sorry to read about the loss of your beloved Andy. The suddenness of his passing adds a whole other dimension which manifests itself as deep shock. I can relate to that. My husband went from chatting and having lunch with me to laying on the floor dying of a sudden brain hemorrhage. We had been together for over 18 years and have one son of 16 years. My husband was 49 years old and the love of my life. The following day (same diagnosis as Andy and 2 surgeons refused to operate because of the known outcome) we took him off life support and he died 1 hour later at 6.15 pm on August 2nd.

 I can relate to everything you have written.After the initial shock and numbness wears off (it lasted a month with me) I find myself living in an utter nightmare. His clothes and shoes remain where he left them and my mind grapples continuously to make sense of what has happened. I am a desperate woman, I know that, and I don't know of any strategies to make me less desperate...apart from his coming back which we know won't happen. It has been 71 days for me and only 48 for you. I want to give you words of encouragement but I would be lying. I know, as you do, instinctively it will get easier and it is the dreaded 'time' word. Logically we know we cannot live the rest of our lives out feeling like this. I see my husband everywhere and I see him nowhere. I have had to return to work and today for the first time in the whole of my professional career I burst into tears in a meeting with a client I had never met with before. 

Like you Redwendy, I HATE that the world continues and I want to scream 'don't you know he has gone?' I resent people's lives being 'normal' when mine has brought me to my knees. I lost my mum very suddenly last year and wasn't even an inch through dealing with that. I totally get the feeling when it was your son's birthday. My son celebrated his 16th just a few weeks later and it was just the 2 of us. I have to protect my son from the worst of my grief because he is also experiencing the very same of course and needs me to support him.

You will smile again. You will love again a heart like yours has to much love to give for the world to waste it. I just don't know when. Until that fine day somewhere over the mountain, all we can do is keep going, one foot in front of the other, crying and screaming when we need to, plodding on and on until we feel a little lightness in our step. It will come I just don't know when.

In the meantime, I have found this forum an amazing support reading the stories of others and sharing mine has got me through many a bad day and many a long night. I wish none of us had to join of course but since we do, I don't think you can find a more understanding group of people anywhere. I wish you strength, love and courage, because we need all 3 and never more so than now.

 

[scba]

Dear Redwendy, I'm very sorry for the loss of your Andy. I don't have the answer to your questions, but when the pain is too real and umbearable as it is now, please hold on. Hold on. And hold on. The wisest advice I received was: stay in the present, one day at a time, one hour at a time.

Going to counseling is a very good first step. I learned from this journey that time alone doesn’t help you to deal with the pain from your loss. If I go to bed and I wake up in 20 years, time has passed but I would feel the same.

When the love of my life died all I could hear was: "you shouldn't be focusing on your pain too much, it's going to get worse and you’re harming yourself". Pain is to be placed under the carpet. It is a lonely road, but at the same time it is not. The people from this forum understand. I find a lot of support here. I hope you will too.

 

 

[debi.williams]

 The wisest advice I received was: stay in the present, one day at a time, one hour at a time. 

 

 

Brilliant advice Scba

[kayc]

That helped me tremendously too, scba.

[Guest]

Last night I was with my Bereavement Group and talking about how I need to focus on the "Here and Now".  I said something to the effect that the moment I wander into either the past or the future is when I get in trouble.  It fascinating thing was as soon as I said past or the future I teared up, my voice was squeaking and I started to lose it.  I then said so I need to stay right here in the here and now.  Tears dried up and voice settled down.  This morning I was relating this to my grievance counselor and the exact same thing happened.  Apparently I can no longer say the words past or future without losing it.

[kevin]

I just passed on to a friend "SBCA" living in the present advice........exceptional.....What was pointed out to me was a saying someone came up with "the past is History, the future is a Mystery, and the Present is a Gift............The more we live and focus in the now, the better we should heal...

[kayc]

I heard it put another way once too, something like to dwell on the past is to invite depression and to dwell on the future is to invite anxiety, but I can't remember exactly how it was stated, I just know that it helped me make effort to stay in the present and be fully appreciative of what is.