Feeling dead inside

[Gwenivere]

I was reading Margaret's thread about too soon to make plans.   There was so much in there that just tore at my heart.  Last Thursday was the one year anniversary of Steve's death and something I can hardly explain is happening.  I haven't cried once, tho that is all that all that is on my mind.  I've never felt do alone in this.  I have no family, no close friends or anyone that fits that description. I know people, but those are acquaintances.  I am not religious and we never had children.  My life changed over 25 years ago when I got panic disorder.   Had to leave my career and learn how to live with panic on a daily basis.  It was not an easy journey.  He was resentful and I felt deserted by friends I did have because I 'changed'.  I am not an introvert, tho people think that because I have limits with the anxiety.  Steve was perceived as the social one and was because of his job and musical pursuits.  Thru those, I got my social 'fixes'.  It was a perfect balance.  When he became ill I had a new job as his caretaker and confidant of his true fears and devastation that no one saw.  I was always amazed at how he could make others comfortable about his limited time because I knew the fear he carried.  We created a life that was safe when we were alone.  It became my world and I was so glad I could be there for him.  

Now that he has been gone, I look back over the last year and how adeptly I handled all the legal needs and got done projects that needed to be done around the house.  I should feel good about this, but I don't because I never doubted I could do these things.  It was the sharing as we have all described that made them matter.  They were but tasks to be done and checked off a list.  I So they are done.  I proved I am self sufficient.  Do I feel good about this?  Yes and no.  Putting aside feminism and empowerment, I miss our dependence on each other to share in the feeling of accomplishment.  I wanted to be a part of a team, not this solitary existence I live now.  I wasn't any less strong because of our being together, if that makes sense.  

Something happened at the anniversary.  My mind and heart cannot accept the enormity of this loss.  Yet I had been living it for a year plus as he was lost to me mentally for 2 months before he died.  It's the weirdest place I have ever been.  The closet I came to tears in the last week was where I volunteer and a mortician showed up with a gurney and a bag.  It was all business like.  I have shut down inside which I do not understand because while I wanted some relief from the pain, I didn't want to feel so robotic, for lack of a better word.  

I know this is a temporary so I am wondering when it will crack and what will be there.  Wondering what will trigger the flood of the now true meaning of his being gone forever.  Now that all the tasks are done, what awaits is the pure emotion.  I talk a good game to the outside world.  Pull off I am still alive and surviving, which I guess I am.  But I am not living.  That, to me, means enjoyment and interest of being part of the world.  I am so dependent on the few routines I have left since Steve left, that hearing that my volunteering was cancelled for tomorrow has me in a tailspin.  Haven't a clue what I will do with yet another day without some contact for another day.  

Sorry this is long winded and woe me.  At least I have grief counseling today and my dogs to come home to.  They aren't great conversationalists, but they are happy about life.   I marvel in that every day.  

[kayc]

My heart goes out to you.  I was touched by your  missing your interdependence.  Yes, I miss that too.

Today I had someone haul away our riding lawnmower that George bought.  I don't have room for it anymore and everytime something breaks down I have no one to fix it.  I decided I could better use the room in the carport for the pickup and car to both fit into it, it's been years since I've had room for both of them in there.  I'm sure George would understand, but I hated having something he bought hauled off, you all know what I mean.  I loved it, it was a good tractor but the thing that went to the steering broke, the tires need replaced, it needs a new battery, etc.  Someone can fix and use it and I'd rather it get some use.  Why do I feel like it was a person, I've felt that way about cars.  

[KarenK]

After 2+ years without Ron and 1+ years without my Debbie, I am still feeling dead inside most of the time. Thoughts of their deaths just consume my every waking moment and dreams also. I joined some seniors and widows groups hoping to make some friends and just get out some. I can no longer afford the luncheons, etc. Even when I was with these people, I wasn't comfortable. They were laughing and happy, while I was quiet and sad. I have never had trouble making new friends, but just don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. I have cried a lot, mostly alone. The only people who comfort me are my son and occasionally my grandson.

I have a lot of strange dreams. Last night Ron had come back, but we were no longer together, just being friendly. It seemed like we were looking for a place for him to live. Then my daughter was there and I introduced her as my oldest child. My son had died in her place. I think I am half crazy.

I have never had panic attacks, but seem to prefer staying home. It seems like a great effort to go out. Were it not for groceries and errands, I would rot here.

Kay, I understand about the riding mower. I felt the same way about our cabin, Ron's gun safe, tools, and guns. Like losing another part of him. 

[Guest]

Gwenivere

Although it has only be fourteen weeks for me since my wife died, so much of what you wrote resonated with me.  I've started going days sometimes without crying and then I make up for losrt time.  Deedo's birthday was eleven days ago and I had a rough time going into the week of her birthday but the closer it got the more control I felt.  It came and went and about a week later I fell apart.  We aren't living; we are surviving; barely.  Today was the kind of day we used to love.  Rainy, sleety, snowy, all day long.  We'd snuggle up and I'd read to her while playing with her hair; sipping coffee; reveling in each other.  Today I missed her all day; always on the verge of tears but none have come, maybe later.  Just feeling depleted, drained, a big part of my being is missing, empty, gone.  

Deedo, like Steve, was the social one.  As long as I was with her I was happy and didn't feel the need to hang out with the guys.  I used to joke that if I ever were to get a speeding ticket it would be because I was driving home to see her.  Fortunately I do have a good support system.  I have three children who are worried sick for me.  I have wonderful neighbors who go out of their way in a nonintrusive way to make sure I'm eating well.  I have a great counselor who started working with Deedo and then transferred to me when Deedo died.  I have a good HOV support group that meets twice monthly and I've been able to develop contacts I can call when things get too difficult.  I need to drive 400 miles round trip for the group but it's worth it.

Kayc - I understand but from the other side of the coin.  Deedo loved entertaining small groups of friends.  I have cupboards full of napkins, paper plates, cups for every holiday imaginable.  All things I will never, ever use, BUT to get rid of them is going to taake more strength than I have right now.

[Margm]

At my age, there are so many of my former classmates (who we have kept in touch with) that have lost their mates.  In fact, more have lost them than the ones that are still married.  I did not like to brag on any anniversary.  My good friend had a fuss with her husband and then had to go out of state for their relatives surgery.  He had a blood clot or aneurysm during the night and by the time she got home the coroner had taken her husband.  Sixteen years later she has regrets.  I had thought of an RV, because we had planned it.  But, we had planned it together.  I cannot bring his desk or all his fishing equipment in the RV.  I will, if plans go right, go back to our home and live in an apartment.  It was where we began.  Seems a lot happier (right now) than where we ended.  Our relatives, our roots are back in that place.  My friend who I mentioned, told me to box all his things up and move them in plastic buckets.  One of these days I might feel like going through the things.  Not right now.  Not next month.  I don't even know if next year.  Yesterday was horrible.  Today I got some things done.  Happiness will have to be a definition I am going to have to invent.  One of my widow friends (we had got her husband and her together), she remarried again and he is very ill.  Can we find enough happiness to go through this again?  Oh Lordy, not again in my life.  And, I am knocking on wood.

[scba]

I can relate with what all of you have expressed. I'm in my 30s and I had few years with my boyfriend, the feelings and struggles are quite the same.

people tell me that I'm doing well, that I seem to be better. I usually reply a platitude just not to go deeper in the subject.

But my mind says "wow, I'm becoming a very good actress" and this scares me because I have never felt so apart from the world as now and I hate that I cannot shout the truth "this is awful, I'm sad and I feel empty".

Someone even suggested me to find a new boyfriend. Time ago I would have cursed her. I replied: haha

If he die too and I have to go through all of it again? Can I dare to have my heart broken again? Do I dare to walk through this one more time for love? Is love so important to risk to grieve and feel this pain twice? I don't judge, I admire those who do. I feel I can't. I knew true love, I met the one who completed me and he was taken away from me.

[iPraiseHim]

scba,  I can relate so well.  Although, I'm older, I have similar thoughts.  It's been eight months since my wife passed and I still find myself struggling with the reality of her death.  We never really planned on death, not really.  The age of innocence is gone and now I think about it with every relationship, father, sister, friends, relatives, etc...  I don't relish the idea of being alone for the rest of my life either.  Reality bites.  On some-days, I feel like I'm just plodding through the day.  I find myself angry, agitated, and almost looking for a conflict.  I have plenty already with mandatory health insurance issues and taxes. I still don't know or see the hope for the future yet.  I just know that I must continue to survive each moment, live in the moment and just deal with whatever comes up.  I still miss my wife.  I think I always will.  I am still trying to change and improve. Trying to be better organized and hiring a work partner for my business.  If I can bless another person with good work in this economy it would be worthwhile.  Hang or swing;  whatever I do I'm moving forward with life each day by God's mercy and grace.  Shalom

[Margm]

I know this is not encouraging, it is really not anything but an observation.  I paid for the new death certificates to be ordered today.  I believe, probably the founder of the funeral home waited on me.  He was older than I am and shared that his wife had passed about two years ago.  They were married over 66 years.  He had a smile pasted on his face.  Bless his heart.  I paid for the certificates and went out to the truck.  And, that is his job, to work with death all the time.  After Billy passed away, I am having a hard time watching TV shows that have hospital scenes in them, and I worked at hospitals for 43 years.  I am so sorry we all have to go  through this grief, and truly misery does not love company.  We just have to help each other through these different stages.  Right now I have the impetus to run and just keep running somewhere, anywhere but here. 

[Gwenivere]

Margaret,  I experience the same thing regarding watching TV or movies that have medical content now.  I was never fond of it, but now it really affects me.  I volunteer at a nursing home and see so much of it too.  I totally relate to wanting to run. It must have been hard dealing with death certificates.  I hated it because it changed Steve legally from my partner to a name on an official paper to pass around.  I logically know it needs to be done, but we can't hold or talk to it.  It's a cold thing to add to our grief.

[Ricky]

Right now I have the impetus to run and just keep running somewhere, anywhere but here. 

I can very much relate to that Margaret. I, too, want to run away and keep running. I would love to disappear for a while and live somewhere far away from civilisation. I feel awful about writing this, but happy people make me feel awful at the moment. It's strange to see that for other ppl life goes on. I wish I could go somewhere far away and just be alone with my thoughts and feelings. I know running away and avoiding does not help or solve much but to be stuck in this awful new reality just seems to much to endure sometimes..

 

Edited November 5, 2015 by Ricky

[kayc]

scba,

Only you can know what is right for you, people shouldn't push you.  I know they just want you to be happy, but...

A friend of mine just remarried, her husband has been dead about five years.  She had been afraid of the "what if I have to go through this again?"  She finally realized if that was the only reason prohibiting her, she was letting fear stop her from possibilities.  I'm very happy for her, she found another good one.  I just haven't seen anyone I'd be even remotely interested in, and George's shoes would be a very tough act to follow.

[kevin]

This may not qualify for dead inside but I sure am absent minded lately.......I definitely am still cognitively impaired...And have absolutely no intentions of ever going through this again....I made a comment  that before I ever went out with anyone seriously, I would need a full medical report, it got some chuckles, but I was half serious. I find this living alone is a big waste of space full of memories, its not good, but getting better if I can regain my focus.......

[kayc]

Kevin,

Our focus is not the same for a very long time...I don't personally feel mine was ever entirely the same again.  It makes it harder to work, hold down a job, esp. if a lot of brain work is involved.

[Gwenivere]

Wow, I am so glad to hear I am not the only one with concentration problems.  Most times I feel I am operating in a fog.  I really have to pay attention when I drive now.  I am at a loss for the simplest words often.  Makes conversations quite a challenge sometimes.  I also get what Steve called 'shiny object syndrome'. I'll start do'ing something, then divert to another and another as I see them. Have to backtrack to finish what I start.  I keep notepads everywhere because my memory is not reliable.  The most 'fun' thing is going to bed and having a thought and afraid I'll forget.  Notepad and pen by the bed now.  

[kevin]

KayC..... can you quantify very long time?.....I am reassured that others have stated the same observations. It would be nice to know if there was a treatment...vitamin deficiency, diet, more sleep. Gwen, I got  note pads, a Journal, and a new rule about not leaving the kitchen with the stove on.....I've also overflowed the Hot Tub, adding water and forgot about it, big mop job.

[Margm]

I carry my cell phone in my pocket.  I wear pants with big pockets.  My glasses go in one place as soon as I pull them off.  My purse stays in one place.  As soon as I get out of the truck, I push the lock button for all the doors, but I make sure my keys are in my left pocket.  Phone in the right, remember.  Those are my main things to remember.  If I forget any one of those, I am in a panic because I will not remember where I last had my keys, my glasses, my  purse.  Also, I make sure my blue billfold has to always be in my black purse.  I don't change any of these simple things around.  Maybe they are just training tools for my second childhood, but I have to have them in place.  The front sheet of my retirement packet I lost for about an hour.  I was in a terrible fix.  I could not send it off without it.  It was where it was supposed to be, my challenged mind just did not comprehend.  Our minds are terribly challenged right now.  It is like training our child to take the first steps.  These are our first steps without someone to depend on.

My dad used to tell my mom.  "Just sit down and remember where you were the last time you had it (whatever "it" was.)  It worked for her.  My mind is not that sharp.

[kayc]

I write everything down too...I always did but now it's imperative!

[Gwenivere]

Kevin, if someone ever created a treatment for grief to transport us to being able to live with the acceptance and skip the months, years or however long it takes for each of us....they would deserve a reward beyond anything I can think of.  We can do all the sleeping, eating, exercising and all those other things to help, but the inner heart limps along...waiting and hoping that someday it can smile again.  It's so sad that we all want so very much to live again, yet struggle day to day.  They say it is a testament to our love, which is true, but that love once was the source of our happiness.  What a cruel twist.

I've knocked over more glasses of water to count.  Thank god I don't have a hot tub.  ?