Sometimes we have to modify the definitions

[Gwenivere]

When I started on this grief road I did a lot of reading because I thought I was going insane.  I know I don't need to detail it as you have all felt things we never have before and never knew existed.  I saved websites assuring me I was not insane.  My counselor keeps reminding me it is grief and not madness.  But I have come to see that grief is a kind of insanity.  How could it not be for where it takes us?  I think the discouragement about using that word is the negativity associated with it.  My take is not negative, but definitely a change in my thinking and behavior.  Not just the normal forgetting things, fatigue or crying.  My whole outlook is altered from the me I knew for 60 years.  What I care about has drastically changed.  Much of what I used to care about matters not anymore.  I see more clearly the little things that I thought mattered (and did in a normal life) seem so insignificant now.  Also things I would never have intensely focused on become looming.  Fears surround me when I used to feel safe or at least had someone to face the world with so I never felt as vulnerable before.  Dealing with it alone now makes me feel isolated inside.  People laughing, talking with others, holding hands are like neon in my eyes because I used to be one of them and now I am not.  I can even tell when someone shopping alone is not alone by what they buy. My sense have become extremely tuned to all that is different to the point that I hate not being able to relax and enjoy life.  Even sleep is a gamble.  Will it be restful or frenzied with dreams of frustration?  

 

I want to be able to say yes, I am insane...with grief.  I am so tired of knowing that when I am alone but having to hide that from the world.  Not that I want to act crazy in public, but for myself I have to accept it and want to have the freedom to say that I am changed and for now, and maybe forever, that I have been separated from the living world.  Actually there are times I want to act crazy around people.  Yell, scream and say...I want to be one of you again!  Do you know how fortunate you are to have each other?  Sometimes it is just stop being so happy when I am around!  Talk about the crazy lady at the store!   That could be me....easily.

I play the civilized part life demands in hope that at some point I can be a part of it again.  I will get better with time, but I will never lose the inner insanity of losing the person that meant the world to me and made m feel I meant the world to at least one other person.  Call me crazy.  

[scba]

Dear Gwen, I echo your words. 

I don't know why we are "forced" to "behave" and pretend. that is how i feel it. If only I could express my real feelings all time. We can't. Why? I don't have a concrete answer.

 

[Margm]

No answer here either, but I do have an "I don't care if you understand or not" attitude.  It is just like eating, sleeping, bill paying, business to take care of, I will do it, I will do it because I have to, but I will do it when I want to, it just does not worry me that much.  My mind is foggy.  As to insanity........I think I am certifiable.  

[Kpl48]

Feeling like I'm going out of my mind with grief has become normal to me. Especially in the morning and when I'm alone. I've shared before that night isn't as bad because I take my pills and go to sleep. In the morning I feel so devastated that Andre is gone. I often try to go back to sleep or stay in bed because I feel so bad. When I go out I usually feel better because I focus on others. I suppose this is also a distraction, but going out helps me to be in the world of life. 

Today I've felt very sad and immobilized. I have things to do, but I just can't push myself to do stuff today. Tonight I go to a support group meeting with a friend. Tomorrow I'm out most of the day. I've developed new friendships during this last year since my husband died. We used to spend all of our time together, so I didn't have a lot of friends when he died. I've become a better listener and am learning to risk reaching out. I can't share on level we share in the grief healing group because it's just too deep. Thankfully I can read and share here. 

Really, my goal is to get through each day the best I can. I know you all understand that. In time I might feel some happiness again. I continue to miss my husband. I wish I had enough faith to truly believe my husband is with me. I ask him to help me live on. I do live on each day. It's such an effort to keep on living. I'm tired and worn down. But I keep moving forward because I must. 

[kayc]

Margaret, I have the same attitude, and I DON'T care!  I've definitely developed some moxie and can stand up for myself.

[Wifflesnook]

What you describe about being insane with grief fits me too. Even now, four years next May, my whole being is different and will be for ever I accept. I inhabit a changed world where I have to live as well as I can without my beloved Pete. Around me are people still living the dream when I live a nightmare. And yet I carry on, because what else is there to do? Sometimes I can smile and laugh especially when I'm with my little grand daughters, but underneath I'm mad with grief and loss. For some reason I'm going through a worse patch than usual right now, feeling really vulnerable. I hope I'm coming out of it slowly. But it is very hard to bear. I send my best wishes to everyone. Keep on keeping on. It's all we can do.

[Margm]

Wifflesnook, I have mentioned on here before that both of my grown children are bipolar.  My dad was undiagnosed bipolar, after living with it now all these years, I am sure he was.  My mom is just plain "out there" but, I have been fortunate, I know "normal" is just that connection on a washing machine.  When I say bipolar, I do not mean they are insane.  Far from it.  Bipolar imparts to some people artistic abilities that others just do not have.  My son's art is so good that it has been stolen multiple times from shops.  It had to have been stolen, it was gone and the places he showed the art cannot say where it went.  He has now quit showing in places unless they are insured against loss.  One time an acquaintance of his admitted to stealing his art and selling it.  He admitted it on his deathbed.  Actually, my son was not too bothered, except for his friend's death.  His artistic ability has been at a low ebb for some time now.  Even when he was young, the holidays always brought depression, so why should now be any different.  Grief is supposed to be a normal reaction, but after many years (15) of seeing a psychiatrist, we all know that this normal reaction is way beyond "normal."  But, we would not be human if we did not have this reaction.  Actually, animals suffer from it too, as all the stories of animals going through grief show.  I miss my Billy the Kid every moment of every waking hour.  I cry because I cannot touch those beautiful hands.  We are not so different, any of us.  We hurt so bad that we know we would not want our mate to hurt like we do.  Misery does not love company.  But at least we do have a place to come and voice it.  My friends, all I can wish for any of us is just a few moments peace.  And, I  have it on the words of many of my friends who have lost their mate, it does get easier..  I sure hope so, because right now is as close to hell as I want to go.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Wifflesnook said:

For some reason I'm going through a worse patch than usual right now, feeling really vulnerable.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, Jan.  Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's all just getting tiresome, IDK.  As I have eye problems and can't see to drive at night, it makes me think how different my life would be if George were still here.

[hollowheart]

On 12/8/2015 at 0:51 AM, Gwenivere said:

When I started on this grief road I did a lot of reading because I thought I was going insane.  I know I don't need to detail it as you have all felt things we never have before and never knew existed.  I saved websites assuring me I was not insane.  My counselor keeps reminding me it is grief and not madness.  But I have come to see that grief is a kind of insanity.  How could it not be for where it takes us?  I think the discouragement about using that word is the negativity associated with it.  My take is not negative, but definitely a change in my thinking and behavior.  Not just the normal forgetting things, fatigue or crying.  My whole outlook is altered from the me I knew for 60 years.  What I care about has drastically changed.  Much of what I used to care about matters not anymore.  I see more clearly the little things that I thought mattered (and did in a normal life) seem so insignificant now.  Also things I would never have intensely focused on become looming.  Fears surround me when I used to feel safe or at least had someone to face the world with so I never felt as vulnerable before.  Dealing with it alone now makes me feel isolated inside.  People laughing, talking with others, holding hands are like neon in my eyes because I used to be one of them and now I am not.  I can even tell when someone shopping alone is not alone by what they buy. My sense have become extremely tuned to all that is different to the point that I hate not being able to relax and enjoy life.  Even sleep is a gamble.  Will it be restful or frenzied with dreams of frustration?  

 

I want to be able to say yes, I am insane...with grief.  I am so tired of knowing that when I am alone but having to hide that from the world.  Not that I want to act crazy in public, but for myself I have to accept it and want to have the freedom to say that I am changed and for now, and maybe forever, that I have been separated from the living world.  Actually there are times I want to act crazy around people.  Yell, scream and say...I want to be one of you again!  Do you know how fortunate you are to have each other?  Sometimes it is just stop being so happy when I am around!  Talk about the crazy lady at the store!   That could be me....easily.

I echo these sentiments as well because I have started to have that anger and resentment towards people for having what I used to have. I get on face book every now and then and see happy family posts from my friends, or goofy random status updates that I used to care about and comment on. Now it makes me annoyed that their meaningless gripes are their only problems in the world while mine are tragic and inescapable.

Doing anything now feels like a waste of time, no one to share it with. Who wants to stay out all day doing something alone? Of course I have done that, but that's when I wanted to be. Having it forced upon me is a totally different feeling. I feel crazy too, I know its' from grief, but I think it's mostly just the total frustration of not being able to change my outcome, to fix my absolutely unsolvable problem and the longing for someone I can never have again. The longing and aching really does make me feel crazy.

You said it about not being able to relax and enjoy life. When I do start to have fun I instantly think about my reality because when I'm enjoying myself I want to share it and I remember I have no one to share it with. I finally bought a Playstation 4 on Black Friday--I'm a HUGE gamer--and I just about cried when I was hooking it up because I would have been sharing that with my sister and I would have been so happy to have my system and ready to play. Something I love and couldn't wait to get just made me sad. I hate that. 

 

[Margm]

I can lose myself in movies with my granddaughter, and she loves movies.  She is 16, and thinks her grandmother is too innocent and fragile to watch anything gross (oh, if she only knew), but I love watching lighthearted comedies and animated films too.  My son loses himself in the gamer things.  So, if it works for you, do it.  Whatever works to get us through the day.  And then maybe one day we realize we have gotten through it without crying.  And, that will be one step forward. 

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

I  have it on the words of many of my friends who have lost their mate, it does get easier..  I sure hope so, because right now is as close to hell as I want to go.

I do too, but I have to say I am at a stage I believe it less and less.  Last night my computer decided to reboot itself and I lost it when it came back up because it wouldn't let me in.  It was something little and I eventually did.  But I went to bed and sobbed causing me to lose valuable sleep and what sleep I got was fraught with energy sapping dreams.  I don't kind wether to feel comforted or scared reading people's posts of years from now still feeling this awful pain.  As far as I am concerned, I am in hell.  Some days I feel I can take it and even feel a part of the living world, but all in all the slightest thing can push me over the edge.  I trust nothing about my reactions and that is darned hard to live with.

[Gwenivere]

23 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

Feeling like I'm going out of my mind with grief has become normal to me. Especially in the morning and when I'm alone. I've shared before that night isn't as bad because I take my pills and go to sleep. In the morning I feel so devastated that Andre is gone. I often try to go back to sleep or stay in bed because I feel so bad. When I go out I usually feel better because I focus on others. I suppose this is also a distraction, but going out helps me to be in the world of life. 

That helps me too.  What I have noticed is as soon as I begin my journey home I fall back into the dark funk.  I know I will be returning to an empty house.  Well, the dogs are here, but he is not.  And never will be.  While I love my dogs, they can't fill that void and they try.  It angers me that I cannot even take full pleasure in their happiness to see me.  That symbolizes more of what this insanity is taking from me.  

What prompted me to start this topic was Steve's best friend who is always 'encouraging' me to get on with living.  That Steve would have wanted that.  I know that and I also know that Steve would have felt the hell this is if the tables were turned.  This friend does not get that I have lost more than a drinking, guitar playing and shoot the s*** buddy.  It was this that fueled the fire of saying YOU DON'T GET IT!  He just cannot grasp if this happened to his wife and the difference that would be.  We've all lost parents and friends, even siblings, but this is a nuther thing.  Just like it is for people who have lost a child.  Would you tell them their lives could get back to normal?  Of course not.  You can't compare losses and tell someone who has not experienced this to let it go so you will feel better.  If that were the case, wouldn't we all have done that and now be basking in the glow of those happy memories at peace?  

I am a crazy lady right now for good reason and I will let no one invalidate that.  It is about the only control I have and I'm not giving that up.  We all have darned good reason to feel as we do. If others don't like it, find it uncomfortable or are disappointed in how we manage to live evert day, that is thier problem, not mine.  Now, to keep finding ways to tell them that without the very colorful language that springs to mind.

[kevin]

Well Gwen, your Seattle weather has finally passed over after about 7 days...rain, rain, and rain...that is depressing. I found a little diversion from the norm gave me a different view on things. I started working with the homeless and that is an eye opener. I know I feel hollow and like crap most of the time, but to do something of purpose, makes me feel better for some short time spans....I think KayC mentioned something volunteering she did and the feeling it gave her.....It is no magic bullet, but it does make me feel good some mornings and allows me to sleep....

[Gwenivere]

Kevin, I know what you mean about volunteering.  I have been doing so for 22 years at a nursing home.  Everything from one on one visits to those with no one, pet visits with former dogs, doing shopping and social hours where I am basically a waitress but for a very appreciative crowd.  No tips , but it feels good when they say we so look forward seeing you again on my next scheduled day.  I picked up an extra day now that I have more time.  I strongly recommend it for those like me that have no appealing hobbies or the attention span to do them.  I was hooked before but connecting with others is a lifesaver especially now.

Yes, the rain was getting to us all.  I think we get a break back to 'showers' this weekend.  Yippee.

[Tfer]

I think for me, the madness comes from the "unfairness" of it all. Many people were affected by my husband's death and their lives are forever changed, but not to the extent of mine. When you lose your spouse, your best friend and the one you spent all your days and nights with, nothing is the same. I feel like everyone else can pick up the pieces of their lives but I am left here, all alone. I was alone before and was fine with it, but then Ritchie came along and changed everything. Now, the world thinks I'm doing fine but if they only knew the insanity that lies behind my door.....

[Gwenivere]

Tver, yesterday I had a day that really brought home the impact (yet again) of the loneliness without Steve.  We live with that when we are alone and trying to interact with the world.  I went to a large bookstore and then into a mall looking for something.  Being the holidays, it was full of people into that.  I watched them and remembered times like that for me.  The people that were/are still in my life since his death all are carrying on.  Of course they should, they are intact.  They miss him, but not like I do.  Someone posted in another topic about this loneliness we feel in a different light that helped me.  She said the loneliness was for him.  Simple concept, but I had been feeling I was a lonely person in general now, but it is really because I felt intact with him.  The same people are still in my life, many if his disappeared because they were his buddies for activities.  The craziness I feel is missing him from our bed, talking, eating together, watching TV, sharing the day to day things and the special things every couple have.  The world sees me no differently either, but like you, I know the darkness my life has become when I am alone.  Nothing is the same from the moment I wake up til I go back to bed.  Even sleep is haunted by the loss.  My 'job' now is to try and stay sane and I don't even know what I am waiting for.  That I will stop missing him?  No.  That the pain will stop?  No.  That I can someday find a reason to keep living?  That's a biggie because right now as I feel none.  There was a time when I was single and fine, but like you, that changed when Steve entered my life.  He wasn't supposed to leave.  Trying to make sense of that has so far been impossible.  Logically I know the cause.  My heart does not.  It's twisted in a pain like no other.  I thought I knew deep pain.  Wuss I ever wrong.  

[kayc]

It IS unfair!  And you're right, your spouse affects every avenue of your life, so of course you're hit the hardest!  I hate hearing one of my sisters complain about her husband watching football loudly.  I reminded her that when she fell and broke her arm, HE took care of her like a real trooper!  When I fell and broke my arm, I was on my own, I had to figure out how to get the 40 lb sack of dogfood into the car and then when I got home, up on the deck and in the cupboard.  Let alone how to get the food out of it!  I had to figure out how to take out my garbage and carry in my groceries one armed.  I had to keep working and driving my stick shift car because I had no one to help me.  I don't like hearing someone complain when they are never alone on their holidays and can still kiss their husband good night!

[Guest]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

 I don't like hearing someone complain when they are never alone on their holidays and can still kiss their husband good night!

Maybe it is a good thing I'm a bit of a recluse because I do tend to verbalize things.  I also have found that bursting into sobs is a great way to change the subject back to the mundane I can handle.

[Mom's angel]

Gwenivere

I lost my mom 20nov she was 42.

I feel exactly the same way.

[Guest]

Mom's Angel - I am so sorry you lost your mom at such an young age.  It must be very difficult for you.  I know my daughter lost her best friend and confidante when my wife passed away.  She is struggling and will be for a very long time.  For  you it hasn't been four weeks yet, I wish you what little peace you can find.

Brad

[Mom's angel]

Thanks brad.. Losing mom is hard. I hope your daughter gets all the courage to go on.

We daughters have special connection with our moms.