The WORST Thing

[WolfsKat]

Maybe it is just me (though I imagine not so!),but the worst, for me, is never again being another person's #1.  We can have children who love us, others who truly love us, as well.....but they go on with their lives (as they should) and I am  ALONE.....there is no other person to share life with, to just "be" with, who is first in your life and you are first in theirs. No one to count on being there for you when you get home from work after a bad day....to commiserate, cheer you up..to make plans with.... No one to give a damn whether you even COME home. I know others love me, and I cherish that....but I am no longer the "most" important person in another's life. Will always be secondary, or less.....just the way it is. Connor and I were so very close....I so miss his happy "Honey! You're home!" every day when I'd get home from work....and sharing the events of our day with one another. I was cherished, surrounded with his love and companionship.....no one will ever love me like that again!  And THAT is what makes me feel the WORST.  I feel like I am rambling....but maybe others feel this too?

[KarenK]

Wolfscat,

I feel that way almost 100% of the time. Just plain lonely and empty inside. Some days I feel as if I'm turning to stone. It is even worse since my daughter died. I know my son loves me and I suppose my 3 grandchildren do, though I never hear from my daughter's kids. My live-in grandson does not express love to anyone.

One night in my "Griefshare" group, I expressed this very thing in tears. I know there are caring people in the world. At the next meeting, this group of strangers gave me a grocery gift card which was so much appreciated. And of course, all of you here care. Still, it is not the same.

I guess we have to look at it this way. For a period in our lives, we were loved and cherished by that one person alone. There are some who never get to experience that.

[kayc]

WolfsKat, Oh boy, do I hear you!  You are describing my life!  And it never goes away!

 

And yes, Karen, you're right.  I guess that's why we fluctuate between this lonliness and really feeling it, and appreciation for having had the most wonderful person/relationship in the world.

[kevin]

WolfsCat....my sister told me something very similar some time ago. She was a widow for 30+ years but was referring to her Oldest  Grandson as the only person who actually cared where she was and when she was coming home. And he is only 5 years old. Now I am in the situation, as most of us are, where the empty house greets us.....but I do appreciate my Dog and Cat.

[Guest Janka]

Dear WolfsKat,

to be the first is what I´m missing every day of my life since my beloved man Jan died...

I know how it feels...I have no real family,just the best friends of mine who have their own families...Me not...For my beloved Jan it was me who was the center of his life...everything of him...the first for him always and forever...We were as one person together...two hearts beating as one...He is irreplaceable for me until I meet him again...in the better world...a better place...of the two of us...

I love him for eternity!

PS:This music is in loving memory of you and your loved one forever.

Janka

[Gwenivere]

I so feel this also.  I never loved or was loved by someone as I was by Steve.  It will never happen again.  There are a few people in my life that care about/love me and I am glad for that.  But there us no one that pays attention to my day to day coming and going.  I have 2 dogs, but their glee is the pack back together and feed me.  I never realized how I took for granted his noticing if I was late or early.  Yes, we lose being the most important person to someone.

On the flip side, I also miss him being that to me.  It's so odd to walking thru life caring so much about someone we can't see anymore.  Something we carried with us all the time.  Life had meaning because we shared it together and could talk about things  happening around us.  I don't know about anyone else, but many things I see that I would archive to bring home to tell him I just toss in the bit bucket now.  I am always aware I am doing that as well.  It's just plain sad to live life and not care about much of it anymore.  Days are very long when we are not loved as we were.

[kayc]

Gwenivere,

It's weird to hear you saying the same things as I'm feeling, even though our time frame is so different.  I guess whether they've been gone a year or ten, it's all the same to us.

[Guest]

I often reflect back on my life before Deedo; I was happy; I was content; I was naive.  I did not know how wonderful and exciting life could really be.  I did not fully comprehend joy, love, compassion, beauty, caring, sharing, happiness.  And then I experienced it all.  Now it is gone and I have no one to share all the minutiae that makes up daily life; all the tiny things that bring smiles and warmth.  I'm fortunate in that I do have very caring children who worry about their Papa, but it is still not the same.  Our connections are measured in minutes and hours, not days and nights.  

I do like the comment about not only have we lost someone we love, but that we have lost someone who loves us; unconditionally.  While I am finding more ways to fill my days I am still existing only, waiting to go to bed and hopefully to sleep.  My dreams are bizarre, busy, strange but at least I can sleep and not struggle with what I have lost.

[Wifflesnook]

At the moment, three years or more later, I'm feeling this even worse than usual. I do have a son and a daughter and I do have grand daughters, and I know they love me. But to Pete I was the centre of his universe as he was to me. And that wonderful closeness and feeling cherished has gone. I'm lucky that I had it as I'm sure you all feel too, but now we have to somehow live on without it. And it's very very hard indeed. It helps to share even just a little. Jan

[Tfer]

Yes this is one of the things that's hardest for me. I do have loving parents who call me daily and my kids do care but they have their own lives to live. Yesterday I was waiting for my 16 year old son to come home and he was so late - I made a nice dinner and just wanted to be able to sit with someone for a change. And I burst into tears when he got home. I am so alone, all the time and not that he's going to hang out with me, but at least there's another person in the house.

I never realized how important it was to be each other's #1 - to always have each other's back, to send little messages and pictures during the day just because you were thinking about each other. I am so appreciative of having had Ritchie, and cherishing each other....now I don't know how to live without him.

[kayc]

I was married six years to a monster.  He beat on me and cheated on me throughout the marriage.  It wasn't until I was willing to take the risk (of being murdered) that I finally got away.  In those days the police didn't protect you and there was no womenspace to flee to.

I was married 23 years to a man that was controlling and emotionally unavailable (Viet Nam Vet that wouldn't seek help).  No matter how hard the kids and I tried, we couldn't please him.

Then I married George.  My soul mate, my best friend, my lover, my greatest supporter and fan, we adored each other.  Neither of us was perfect, but we were perfect for each other.  We didn't get nearly as long in each other's lives as we wanted, but the time that we had couldn't be surpassed.  I miss everything about him today just as much as I did ten years ago when I lost him.  I've adjusted to the shock, I've had to live without him all these years, I don't cry as much as I used to, yet I carry the sadness of missing him every day inside of me.  I carry the loneliness, the constant awareness of his absence.  Yet I also carry the knowing he made such a difference in me that he exists with me still.  I reach inside of me where he still is, for comfort and encouragement.   Having had him in my life makes all the difference to me, it enables me to go on.

[hollowheart]

13 hours ago, Brad said:

 Now it is gone and I have no one to share all the minutiae that makes up daily life; all the tiny things that bring smiles and warmth. 

Brad, I think this is in the top 3 of things that make losing someone so special so painful. I know for me, I only had one person who was available to me to say random things too, things that no one else would care about, or to bring up something that would only mean something to us. Losing that connection is like losing an arm, and no one really understands.

I'm struggling with that loss of connection very badly, I think worse now as time goes on. I feel like I'm gasping for air in needing someone to talk and discuss things with. Seeing or knowing something that you know your loved one would appreciate but no one else would and not having them to share it with is maddening. At least it is for me.

[WolfsKat]

16 minutes ago, kayc said:

 Yet I also carry the knowing he made such a difference in me that he exists with me still.  I reach inside of me where he still is, for comfort and encouragement.   Having had him in my life makes all the difference to me, it enables me to go on.

Kay, I very much like this.....reaching inside to where he still "is", and having that help you to go on....I'm going to remember that...thank you <3

[Gin]

everything is so hard without my Al.  He was my third husband and the joy of my life for 16 years.  First one wanted out after 31 years and 4 children.  I met the next one at a church support group. Married much too soon.  He had lots of mental problems.  Took his own life after we were married  a little over a year.  Then after 5 years, Al came into my life.  We were everything for each other.  Did everything together and adored one another.  Now at 76, I lost everything.  I have friends and some family, but that one special person is gone. It is hard to face living without him.  Memories do not bring consolation.  I miss him even more when I think of all the good times that are gone.  It is so hard, but we all have to struggle and survive.

[kayc]

Gin, forgive me if you've already said, but when did Al die?    I'm sorry, it is hard.  George was my third husband too, the love of my life.  We also were everything to each other and did everything together.  In time the memories will most likely bring you more comfort, but in earlier years the pain is just so intense.  Regardless of how much time passes, though, there's still those times when it's really really hard...without them.

[Margm]

I met Billy this month in 1960.  He said he had never had any responsibilities and I had not either.  We literally grew up with our children, and I think 55 years later we were about to get things right.  I will forever miss him until I can be with him again.

[Tfer]

I'm finding these days that I get some consolation when I do something that Ritchie taught me to do. He was so handy - could fix or build anything. So now when I fix or build something as I try to do to keep myself busy, I feel like he's proud of me...sometimes, like he's laughing (lol!) but mostly that he's proud. I can almost hear the "atta girl" and that makes me feel a little better.  

[Gwenivere]

I've had those times too.  Getting something done Steve normally would have fixed.  I actually think he might be intimidated by some as some he overthought the solution.  :-).   He would sing a line from a song that went.....that's right, women are smarter than men.  Sure miss doing stuff with him.  Or watching him be the hero.