When Time Feels Like an Enemy

[Gwenivere]

After Steve died, my mind stopped seeing the last 2 weeks of his suffering and blocked out a lot of the last 2 months when he was going in and out of a dementia state.  Since the anniversary of his death, images of that have returned.  Neither of these states were a conscious decision on my part.  I hate going back there and seeing more clearly how horrible it was because now I am not active in it so it really is more intense like watching a movie of that horrid time.  Ok, that is the background.

I got into a debate with my counselor as she feels reliving that again is not a good thing.  I agree with that, but did some thinking on why it is happening.  My mind is desperately trying to understand why life has lost all meaning.  Why all the things I did before bring no joy at all and have become chores.  Things I have to push or drag myself thru when once they were a part of my daily life that made it complete.  The only way I can answer that is to look back on what brought me to this place in time.  The caregiving was 5 years, but it was the last 2 that became such a huge part of our lives.  

I removed everything tangible about that time in the first month.  Medical supplies and ALL pictures of him compromised by treatments.  But now they re back in my mind.  The only sense I can make of this, because I really do not want to be seeing this again, is to placate my minds desire for 'whys'.  Why can't you (me) wake up after all this time and feel some reason to enjoy it?  Why don't you want to take the dogs to the dog park?  Why isn't your volunteering fulfilling as it once was?  Why do you find interacting with others so draining you would rather play games on your tablet than pick up the phone? 

The kicker to this is I already know.  My heart knows.  I've posted before about the mind/heart battle.  What I wonder is if they get in sync, will this be any easier?  Not easy living without him, but gawd.....I'd like to have done life that feels worth it.  This getting lost in tasks briefly and then right back to the nothingness is predictable and I hate it.  

Anyway, my counselor finally gets it and had stopped nudging me to something I can't do right now that I would love to.  The memories of the good times pre and post illness are even too much.  So not matter why I go mentally, it hurts.  I know I am not being singled out, but damn.  I keep being left with the very first question we all came into this with.....how will I ever survive this?  14 frigging months and I feel worse than ever.  Not exactly the small beacon of light I was hoping for after all these years of hell.  I am sooooo tired of creating things to do to fill the time waiting on an answer or a feeling of change.

[KarenK]

Gwen,

I was thinking about this the other night. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to any more. No more conversations, no more dinners out, no more vacations,  no more anything that we used to do. I have become stagnant going through the same motions day after day. I am certainly not suicidal, but often wonder just what is the point of going on. Life to me is just simply surviving now, paying that next bill and buying groceries. My highlight seems to be going to the library for endless books and movies.

And yes, those thoughts of Ron's and Debbie's last few days still prey on my mind. They are not something I will ever forget, even if I tried. Unfortunately they are burned into my brain, even more than the many happy memories that came before.

For some there is that light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps for some of us, there will never be.

[Kpl48]

Time does feel like an enemy. Without my support meetings to go to, I don't feel like getting out of bed. I've been very depressed and haven't been out of bed since Sunday. Haven't showered or brushed my teeth. I just try to sleep so I don't feel the pain of my grief. Each day becomes something to get through. 

Thank you for this topic, Gwenivere. 

[Gin]

Gwen,

i feel much the same as you.  There seems no point in doing anything.  Everyone tells me to remember the good times.  That does not work.  I want those times back!  Feel so empty and useless.  I am having a hard time taking care of all the stupid details involving banks and lawyers.  

Gin

[scba]

I find that the thing about second year is the silence that goes with the absence and the void. When I leave the office for lunch time, I cannot call him as I used to. I walk down the street in silence, I eat in silence, I do a break in silence, there are no sms anymore, nor pokes on facebook. Just silence, stillness. There is no need to check my mobile anymore. I wonder why everybody told me that working would help. It does in the sense that for 8 hours I must focus on replying emails. But after, I return to the silence, tired, yes, but it is there.

Maybe this article can help for further reflection.

[Guest]

I'm at twenty-three weeks; twenty-three day shy of six months.  All of your posts echo where I'm at.  I get up, I go through my day and I go to bed.  That sums it up.  Nothing seems to have much purpose.  Some times I sleep okay but then there are nights like last night; waking up every hour like clock work.  Like Karen I miss the conversations, the constant banter back and forth.  The last two days images of the last few weeks with Deedo have been floating in and out of my consciousness.  I don't feel overly depressed just empty, in a funk.

Gwen,

I may be wrong but I think the return of the images of Steve, not as you wish to remember him, but as he was when he needed you are coming back because you are progressing, just not in a way you would like.  What you saw and felt in those final days, weeks, months, years were very dramatic and very upsetting.  We didn't notice so much because our focus was on providing care and comfort.  I believe the mind blocked those images for the first year because it was already dealing with so much pain.  Now they are coming back because now you are getting strong enough to process and deal with them.  I know you don't want them back but I believe they are there for you because now you can handle them and they won't go away on their own.  Just a thought.

[WolfsKat]

Although I have a few hours here and there that I almost "normal"....they are fleeting and I know the pain of my "alone-ness" will hit yet again.  If I keep busy at tasks, I can keep it at bay for a time.....but nights are the worst time for me. It was always the best part of the day for us, the evenings....I'm home from work, we'd have dinner, do the few little chores together, usually chatting the whole time.....in all of our years together, it seemed we never ran out of things to talk about!  Then we'd watch TV together, take a stroll, or putter on our respective computers....have a glass of wine, and happily snuggle together in bed.  That may not sound "exciting".....but for us, it was good.....I miss this, with Connor, SO very much!  I don't really watch it, but I have the TV on 24/7....it's been on the same channel for months. I just cannot stand the overwhelming silence!  So, like others here.....it is very difficult to find joy in things.....Connor and I were so closely intertwined....we did everything together, we have friends, yes....and they come over often still....but Connor and I were happy with just the two of us, we  felt no driving desire to share our time together.

[Guest]

Kat

in my mind what you described is the best. 

Like you I can't watch t. v. Except mine isn't on much. Only in the evening when I'm streaming but just background noise b

[MartyT]

scba, the article you shared by Megan Devine of Refuge in Grief is so well done. Thank you for drawing our attention to it. I hope everyone here will read it.

An excerpt:

I can’t give a happy ending to things. I can’t tie things up in a pretty bow and say, “Everything’s going to be okay, and you’re going to be even better than before,” because I don’t believe that and it’s not true.

At the same time, I can’t leave you with no message to live into. I can’t just say, sorry, this is going to suck forever and ever, and you’ll never feel any different. I can’t leave you, or anyone, down in that basement rocking in the corner. That’s not appropriate either.

Finding that middle ground is the real work of grief – my work, and yours. Each of us, each one of us, has to find our way into that middle ground. A place the doesn’t ask us to deny our grief, and doesn’t doom us forever. A place that honors the full breadth of grief, which is really the full breadth of love.

[Source: Entirely Healed or Permanently Broken? by Megan Devine]

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Then we'd watch TV together, take a stroll, or putter on our respective computers....have a glass of wine, and happily snuggle together in bed.  That may not sound "exciting".....but for us, it was good.....

We did the very same thing!  To the letter.  And yes, it was good.

5 hours ago, Brad said:

I believe the mind blocked those images for the first year because it was already dealing with so much pain.  Now they are coming back because now you are getting strong enough to process and deal with them.  I know you don't want them back but I believe they are there for you because now you can handle them and they won't go away on their own.  Just a thought.

And a good thought.  They definitely need processing but so hard to watch live a movie playing out in front of me.  When they happened I was I involved.  If this means some strength, that is a good sign.  Just so so hard like you with Deedo.  I know what you mean about the funk.  Hangs like a cloud over me.

7 hours ago, scba said:

I find that the thing about second year is the silence that goes with the absence and the void. 

I've never had the TV on so much with no interest.  A cold companion for the evenings.  It isn't really sounds of real life, but it beats the silence that makes things as cold.

 

[hollowheart]

17 hours ago, scba said:

When I leave the office for lunch time, I cannot call him as I used to. I walk down the street in silence, I eat in silence, I do a break in silence, there are no sms anymore, nor pokes on facebook. Just silence, stillness. There is no need to check my mobile anymore.

My sister and I both loved our iphones, each other were the main people we texted. We had a lot of in jokes we'd text each other, and random complaints about late trains and buses. No one to send goofy Memes to that would appreciate them and send me some back. Just silence. I don't even charge my phone half the time. No one calling anyway.

15 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Then we'd watch TV together, take a stroll, or putter on our respective computers....have a glass of wine, and happily snuggle together in bed.  That may not sound "exciting".....but for us, it was good

Me and my sister enjoyed watching YouTube videos and movies together, and just sitting and talking. We would go out, but 9/10 we were homebody's and enjoyed our evenings together. That was good and it was great fun for us.

17 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gwen,

I was thinking about this the other night. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to any more.

This is the main thing that I don't think I realized in the beginning. Then it soon came to light that what I looked forward to right after work (calling her and texting her) was gone, and chit chatting and hanging out in the evening was gone. And in reality, there are plenty of things I could do and want to do, but I want to do them with my sister, Denise. I used to do a lot of things by myself, but it's different when you want to and when you have to.

Even when I don't want to watch TV I keep on doing it because what do I do when I turn it off? I have zero energy for anything else. Like Gwen said, everything has become a chore now when before it was a daily routine.

[Kpl48]

Hallowheart and Gwen said: 

Like Gwen said, everything has become a chore now when before it was a daily routine.

i took a shower this morning and am getting ready to go to the grocery store and pharmacy. It's been storming here in California. I live in the desert near Palm Springs, so I have stayed home since Sunday because of the possibility of flash floods. I've also been very very depressed and overcome by my grief for Andre. I just stayed in bed with the TV on. The only comfort was sleep, my little dog (always by my side), and reading all your posts here. 

I wanted to reach out and call some close friends, but I've been feeling like they've had enough of my tears and talk about how much I miss Andre. They keep coming up with suggestions (solutions) when what I need is to be listened to and comforted. Everything I have to do seems like an insurmountable chore. I try to get through such doings as quickly as I can so I can go back to bed. When I'm out with people I feel better, but the minute I get home I sink back into the grief. Being home and driving in the car are the worst times for me; especially in the morning when I wake up. Most of the time I wish I could just die, except I don't want to abandon my little dog Fonzie. 

I took my daytime pill for depression and drank some coffee. That's going to help me get out of the house. I have so much to be grateful for: 23 years with my beloved, financial security, a beautiful place to live, of course my little dog, many new friends, my support groups, all of you here in the grief healing group, a chance to live the good life Andre said he wanted me to do...and more. All of your shares keep me going. Through you all I know what I'm feeling and doing is normal. It's all a part of our grief journey. 

I attached a pic of Fonzie. Hope it goes through!

[hollowheart]

Look at little Fonzie! I want to cuddle with him too.

I feel just like you with the bed thing. I go home and go right to bed. I guess it's sort of my protective space or something. I just mostly feel like there is nothing else to do but get in bed and watch TV--and really there isn't. 

I also have the same thing with friends and their suggestions. I don't want that either, I just want someone to listen and comfort me as well and to just get what I am saying and not push me to do this or that. I don't need to hear I need to "go on with life" don't these people think I know that? That we know that?

And despite all the things you have to be grateful for you still want the one thing that gave your life meaning. It may not make sense to most, but that goes beyond financial security and a beautiful house. (yes we all want that too) but still...you know what I mean.

[Guest]

UFF DA!!!! Today's ambush:  Today has been an so-so kind of okay day; otherwise about as good as it gets these days.  I was pretty distracted with the snow and just lounging around this morning, cancelling plans, having a late brunch.  I decided to check the mail and of course more distrations since I was going outside decided to shovel drive and clear off car so it would be as much of a chore later.  Got the mail and an envelope from Medicare caught my eye.  The time was this was a daily occurrence frequently with multiple Medicare and supplemental statements but they had trickled down to a rarity.  I've been working with the Mayo on some billing errors and assumed it was dealing with that.  NOPE! I opened it and it was the statement for Deedo's last eighteen hours, spent at Hospice of the Valley (what a wonderful place with wonderful people).  Suddenly the flood gates opened and images of those eighteen came gushing forth reducing me to a blubbering mass.  It isn't bad enough that grief has changed my mantra from "I am so lucky to have such a wonderful life" to "I hate my life!".  It isn't bad enough that now the best I can hope for is a so-so kind of okay day; but now even when I get one of those grief has to rear its miserable, ugly, despicable head and snatch even a so-so kind of okay day away from me.  

Oh how I hate ambushes!!!

[hollowheart]

Oh Brad, I'm so sorry. This made me sad. These are things that no one knows about that keep us down. Just when you think you are making it, this happens and people wonder why you can't keep a good mood.

I hate ambushes too.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

I don't need to hear I need to "go on with life" don't these people think I know that? That we know that?

And despite all the things you have to be grateful for you still want the one thing that gave your life meaning. It may not make sense to most, but that goes beyond financial security and a beautiful house. (yes we all want that too) but still...you know what I mean.

No, they don't know.  They can't.  I've become a little more forgiving about that.  There just is no way to know how this feels unless it happens to you.  All I ask from people now and do tell them is please don't offer suggestions.  I've thought of them all and you are only speculating on what you think will help.  I have appreciated input when I mention I hated coming home to a dark house and an obvious solution was to leave some lights on.  That kinda stuff is helpful.

Yup, I am very grateful I don't have some of the day to day worries others struggle with for living survival.   I truly feel for everyone that has to deal with that on top of this life changing emotional slam.

[Gwenivere]

Oh Brad, what  a horrible thing to have hit you now or ever.  The medical billing machine is cold and heartless.  Of course it would drag you to a place so painful.  On a lesser level than what you got hit with, I spent months getting off the hospital mailing list of updates for all the progress they were making about prostate cancer.  Like that does me/us any good now?  

I hope your day isn't totally plunged into that dark past.  But I know how fragile we are about these things.  

[kayc]

Brad,

I'm sorry that ambushed you out of nowhere.  I hope the rest of the day isn't ruined by it and it can turn back into an okay day before it's over.

[Guest]

Went out and helped neighbors shovel their drives.  Provided a good distraction and we're back to so=so kind of okay.  Thanks all for warm wishes.  It helps.

[WolfsKat]

2 hours ago, Brad said:

Oh how I hate ambushes!!!

Brad

So sorry you got hit with that......it sure does not seem to take a lot to send us for a quick nosedive!  I got hit when I rec'd a  Christmas card from a uncle in CA, who had not heard that I'd lost Connor.  Addressed to both of us, of course, and a cheerful note wishing "You two lovebirds" a merry holiday. I just broke down, could not stop wailing for hours. We are so fragile, emotionally. Good to see that your day went back to so-so/okay.....I guess we all will get more of these days than bad ones, eventually.

[MartyT]

Brad, I love what you did with the ambush that hit you out of nowhere: You "distracted" yourself by going out to help your neighbors. Good for you  ♥

[scba]

a thought that appears to haunt me is the fact that in the end,what only remains are just memories. Memories....and nothing more? Is that all? To love someone, to wish to die to join him or her, just for living with memories? I seriously don't understand this so called life.

[Guest]

I suppose I'd rather be left with the memories, even the bad ones, than nothing to show for the amazing thirty-seven years I got to spend with that remarkable lady.  Granted, I would have rather lived out our dreams, travelled the world, been the amazing grandparents we are, and then die peacefully, hand in hand, at the same moment at a time when our worlds had shrunk down to our house.  Sadly, it was not meant to be so give me my memories because we really did have a fairytale life together.

[Guest Janka]

9 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

I attached a pic of Fonzie. Hope it goes through!

Dear Kristine,

your little dog Fonzie is such a darling that needs you and loves you really much!I can see it in the eyes.You´re lucky to have such a nice company by your side.

Janka

[KarenK]

Brad,

I' so sorry this krap interrupted your "ok day" In time, these Medicare things do stop coming. They seem to run way behind  in relation to explanation of benefits statements. Got another one of those cremation offers for Ron today. I have gotten used to the stuff, i guess. I just tear them up and put in the recycle bin before I get to the door.

Bet you did a lot of shoveling. You are buried there. I looked at the Pinetop webcam at Hon Dah earlier. Still raining in bits and pieces here, but should clear out by tomorrow afternoon. If it's dry enough, I'm going to the Flagg Gem Show in Mesa(just like to look around).

Hope your evening is going better.