Alone

[Margm]

I have a great family.  I have wonderful close, understanding friends.  I am the newest member of our club of friends to widowhood.  I guess there is such a word, it does not have a red line under it.  Hood.....seems like we should have switchblade knives, guns, long gold chains around our necks. My neighbor and I were discussing this yesterday.  Neither of us felt old until we lost our husband.  Now we feel ancient. I have hid away from this despair, this lonesomeness inside my family watching movies and One Tree Hill with my granddaughter.  I still have family with me, eventually I will be alone.  But, isn't that where I am right now?  No pity party.  You, me, him, her, them, we are all alone..  My sister suggested a counselor.  Hey, I saw a shrink for 15 years.  She retired.  So am I.  I know what comes next for me.  I had it with me under all those pain inducing machines at MD Anderson.  The treatments were excruciating, but I had Billy with me.  Those treatments were a child's playground compared to this pain..  But, Billy instilled in me faith.  Faith carried me through all of it.  And Billy.  

I remember after my grandfather passed away in 1956.  Long time ago.  Each of my grandmother's kids and grandkids took turns staying with her.  She did not want any of us there.  Foolish woman we all thought.  We did not understand what I understand now.  She WAS alone, even with all of us there.  We can be standing in the middle of Times Square in NYC at midnight on New Year's, but we are still alone.  No one can really help us but ourselves.  

It is what it is.

[Margm]

Okay, I thought I knew how to edit, have done it before.  Cannot this time.  I have sent an email to Debi.  Here I am a Louisiana Redneck talking to people that are more world traveled than I am.  Who am I???  Still, worry about my friends in Brussels, London, and Slovakia.  As a teenager I had a penpal from Japan.  He sent me chopsticks.  No matter where we live, we are all in this together.   So, I guess we are all alone, together.  Contradiction of life.  

[WolfsKat]

34 minutes ago, Marg M said:

So, I guess we are all alone, together.  Contradiction of life

Dear Marg

A lot of truth in that statement!  We may, each of us, be alone.....but if by being here, sharing, hopefully helping one another, we can feel less so, emotionally.  And, I think.....at least for myself.....that this is just WHY I miss my Connor so very much.....out of all the people on this earth, and in my entire life, HE was the one person who made me feel part of a whole, not alone. We were so close, so attuned to one another, so much a "unit".....I never felt alone, nor lonely. I'm surrounded by  friends, when I'm with family the same.....but now....the "alone-ness" hits, hard!

[Margm]

I just got a lot ahead of myself.  Kinda like I was all inside my head and was a brave person.  Starting tomorrow I am going to be A-L-O-N-E.  My son has family in California.  They live there (not him, long ago divorce) and he is going to try to rescue his son, who is 30, like we rescued him.  He has just lost his dad and his son is out somewhere, don't know where.  He has to find him.  This is something he has to do.  This boy is so strung out on drugs and has failed rehab many times.  I see where he has got to try to save him.  But, our son, when we quit RVing to give him a place to crash and get off drugs, he was ready, he did the hard work, and he was in his 30s.  He has to try to help this boy.  Wants to bring him back to the program in Arkansas.  (If he can find him.)

I see this has to happen.  And, if he knew how afraid I am to be really alone he would not go. (He will not know at all). The last thing I wanted to be was to be dependent on someone.  I have been so really hipped up on being alone.  Now the pure honest truth is, I am afraid.  An honest, naked old lady ain't pretty.  I can go down to my daughters, they beg me to come.  I just am gonna try it, the being alone part.  Most all of you live alone.  My neighbor widow lives alone in a huge house.  I don't know why I am afraid.  

[Gin]

Marge, I am so afraid of being alone, too.  Weather permitting, I go somewhere every day, just to be out of the house.  I am on the phone a lot, but it all means nothing without Al.  He was the best to me and so accepting and non-judge mental.  We were always together and nothing can replace him, or even come close.  I guess for now I will stay here and put up with it.  Of course, no one really wants me to live with them.  I get really upset when the snow and ice come snd I feel so penned in.

gin

[kayc]

Margaret,

That's okay, I like rednecks, I am one...by choice!  Between Eugene and Oakridge is a world of difference, I may have grown up in Eugene, but I am Oakridgian, through and through!
When it hits me how alone I am is when I have a crisis and no one there to help or notice or care.  Like losing my job, or breaking my right elbow & nose & front tooth off (when out of work and before Obamacare), or having my roof destroyed by wind, or my truck break down.  I have to handle all of these things and more, by myself.  Being alone when going through loss of mom.  Making decisions.  Having my heart stop on me and my kids not even checking on me to make sure I came through surgery.  Coming home afterwards, not knowing if I can even get up from the couch or toilet by myself, and no one there to notice or care, let alone help.  Those are the times I realize just how alone I am.

I've learned to cook for one, watch a movie alone, do all of the tasks around here alone.  But sometimes it'd be so friggin' nice to just have someone to take a drive with, or hold me, or sleep next to.  Those are the times I feel very alone.

[Margm]

Kay, you are a brave woman.  I patted myself on the back when I changed out the license plates.  Two screws.  There is a lot I have to do.  And, I am the only one that can do it.  Maybe I will finally realize this.  But, you have had illness, accidents, and have handled them so handily.  I could say that maybe I will grow a pair, but I doubt that would be proper.  (Said it anyhow).

[kayc]

It didn't happen overnight.  It's evolved over a long period of time.  And I've had my share of anxiety attacks, pity parties, and wishing I wouldn't have to wake up and do it all over again.  But at least I've never attempted suicide and so far I've never given up putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going.  I've learned so much on this journey, I consider it a silver lining to the cloud.

[hollowheart]

Kay, I am definitely a weakling compared to you. I know some people may say, well you do what you have to do. But that still does not mean you make it through. I have always been the type of person that depended on others to make decisions. I freak out over a menu when the waiter is waiting for me to order.

I always felt like I was making the wrong choice or messing something up. I'm not always good at understand things and feel like I will be taken advantage of. It scares me not to have someone I trust to confer with.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

19 hours ago, Gin said:

Marge, I am so afraid of being alone, too.  Weather permitting, I go somewhere every day, just to be out of the house.  I am on the phone a lot, but it all means nothing without Al.  He was the best to me and so accepting and non-judge mental.  We were always together and nothing can replace him, or even come close.  I guess for now I will stay here and put up with it.  Of course, no one really wants me to live with them.  I get really upset when the snow and ice come snd I feel so penned in.

This is the worst of it for me.  And for all of us when I think about what everyone has written.  Alone.  To feel so alone in ones home, out in the world, in my heart often because I can't feel his love replenishing me.  I hate feeling trapped too if the weather is bad.  I'll take my SUV out just to see if I can make it down the street and back to the grocery store.  Just had to know I can leave if I have to.  I've always done that, even when Steve was alive.  Now I am trapped and no car will solve that.  So many days I feel I am losing my mind in this solitude.  Phone calls help, but when they are done, it is back to the cold silence.

Aren't I just a frigging Mary Poppins today?

[Margm]

Same here Gwen.  If I visit someone I cannot sit still.  My daughter helps take care of my mother.  I am about 165 miles away right now and my daughter would do it for free, but it helps me to know I am giving some support to my sister.  She teaches two days a week at a college close to her home.  My mom needs in a full care place, but my sister would lose the house.  

[Guest Janka]

5 minutes ago, TH said:

I'm independent in nature, through having to grow up fast... and introverted too, so I've never been one for tons of friends or going out endlessly, though I do love to travel. And it wasn't until I lost R that it fully hit me, that you can have people around and yet still be so alone. I'm at home with my mum and brother currently, I have a few people who email and R's family is incredibly kind and supportive, but I am alone. I am lonely. I've lost half of myself, and feel like I've lost that independence and ability to be comfortable in myself. It's very difficult to deal with not having someone you trust implicitly there, someone who just understands and supports you regardless, who will listen and care. It's something that can't be replaced... just have to find ways to cope, I suppose.

My dear TH,

you´re lucky to have a mom and a brother too.My mother and brother don´t care.I´m all alone,having just my belief in God and my best friends helping me as much as possible.You´re right,as they can´t replace someone you love the most,the part of yourself,the one you can´t live without...I fully understand,but I´d do anything to have a loving family now...

With love Janka

[KarenK]

My life and my finances are a mess. When Ron was here, at least we were in this mess together. We had each other to lean on. He always said he would be happy living under a rock as long as we were together.

Now I am in this mess alone and I am just lost. I have made some big financial mistakes caused by grief and loneliness, I guess. It is my fault. I accept that.

I have been waiting for 3 months to hear back from the state sponsored "Save Our Home Arizona" program which assists low income individuals with mortgage payments. The paperwork was to be submitted by a representative of the local community service organization. Her last correspondence assured that it had been done. I asked for an update on Monday. Guess what? She vacated that job in December. Her client files were transferred to another housing organization. The new representative tells me that my application was never submitted. I must now start over again with application, a million required documents, etc.

Time is flying by. I am living on credit cards I can't pay. I am no longer necessary to the work force.

Looks like I am going to end up under that rock ALONE. I am sad that I no longer matter.

[kevin]

Widows I developed  a great amount of respect for , woman have a harder row to hoe in this Journey, no doubt about it.....Don't want to sound sexist, but 90% of the time the male is the main bread winner, and his parting(death) is not entirely planned for....The emotion of Grief is shared equally, but the financial burden can be insurmountable for the woman. I know a woman 65 years old and restarting a career....... , and we know nothing is ever Fair..........

[Margm]

Karen, I'm so sorry.  I hate political BS and all the things that go with it.  I have a friend, the longest time of being a widow of all of us, and she has her own business.  Family have taken her money away.  She cannot retire and we are all early 70's.  I can remember when our supervisor at the hospital where I worked had to retire at 65.  She fought it and got to work one more year.  At least now they cannot go against us because of our age.  I know the government helps people.  I think you might need to talk to someone, especially since you submitted your paperwork so long ago..  It was not your fault the woman is not working there.  You did your part.  

And sometimes government workers can be "unmentionable" people.  I used to be one, but I did not have to work with the public.  Still, I saw what and how some people got treated.  You have to hold your own with them, remember the taxes you pay, well, in fact, you do pay their salary.  I have to remind my daughter that you can catch more bees with honey than vinegar though.  At a restaurant, she will still make them take food back, and I know that should be okay, but sometimes it isn't.  

[KarenK]

Marg,

The "system" is not designed to help those in need. If it was, there wouldn't be so many homeless out there.

It is embarrassing to have to ask for help in the first place.

This is like a comedy of errors. When trying to email me the "new" application in an attachment, it would not fly for some reason. I offered to come to the office and pick it up. Her latest email says I may not qualify anyway as the assistance is based on the original price of the home. I purchased this home 45 years ago. It has been borrowed against, remodeled, and refinanced many times for a much larger amount than the original price, the last time being a week before Ron was diagnosed with cancer. He died 6 months later. It does not matter that the payment is half of my SS check.

AND, if I might happen to meet the criteria, I can't pick up the application. It is a web based program only, no visits to the office. She requires a "VALID" email address. My email address is fine. Perhaps there is some thing wrong with her attachment.

GRRR! This is so frustrating. I long for the days of "Little House On The Prairie"

Okay, I'll shut up for now.

[Guest Janka]

6 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Marg,

The "system" is not designed to help those in need. If it was, there wouldn't be so many homeless out there.

Dear Karen,

this is how it´s going on here in Slovakia now.I know what you´re talking about.It´s a hard fight to survive for someone without needed help,any close family,all alone after such a loss of beloved one.

With love Janka

[Margm]

I do not understand politics.  My family was in minor politics and I hated the mud slinging so bad I would not vote for years, especially since I voted for Nixon.  But that is another story.  Okay, I won't go off on my rant on politics or religion.. I actually just posted a rant and deleted it.  I know it is embarrassing, but dammit, we have paid taxes all our life and lived a good honest life.  Billy kept trying to cheat the IRS and I know they laughed at him, never would let him cheat.  So, now I will just take it to HR Block and let them do whatever they have to do without anything to take off.  It has even gotten to where old people cannot afford dog food or cat food for their own meals.  But, there are food stamps out there.  There are people who do not need them getting them with lies.  Oh, I cannot say much more, but please do not go hungry or without a place to live.  There has to be a way.  

[kevin]

Karen, squeaky wheel gets the oil.........whoever your dealing with, ask for a name, and confirmation documentation......State Services will help you with your  problem  applications, if you sit down and "squeak", write a letter a week to your Congressman and tell him what's going on, and engage with local Seniors group for any assistance(computer stuff),,,,,,,,,Keep records .......my heart goes out to you.....

[kayc]

Oh Karen, I am so sorry for all you are going through, and I understand how you're feeling.  I applied for energy assistance two years ago and was approved, but they don't do anything because they don't have funding.  A friend tells me she's been on their list for five years.

I'm having someone redo my patio roof (34' x 15'), they've been there three days and haven't even BEGUN to put the new roof on!  They cut one of the beams, why?  A mistake?  How do you do that?  I've heard him say he bit off more than he could chew.  THAT instills confidence!  My anxiety is through the roof and my sister keeps telling me more doom and gloom stuff, I tell her I DON'T need to hear it.  I'm trying really really hard to maintain positive attitude without losing it.  I went out to get some wood out of my wheelbarrow this morning for my fire and it was under the tarp soaking wet in 5" of water.  I am so tired of this!

Sometimes I just feel the struggle of living is just too much, I keep trying, but I'm so incredibly tired.  And I hear of people traveling, going on cruises, having fun.  It's hard!  I'm going to a wedding today.  It's impossible to put into words all I'm feeling about that.  Just a few years ago that was me and George, on top of the world, going to be together forever.  How does this happen?

Karen, all I can say is, keep going.  Do what Kevin says.  Me, I might have to hire someone to clean up this mess, something I can ill afford.  And the diamond earrings I sold on eBay?  Turns out someone hacked into eBay and bid on them without being registered and no intention of paying for them.  Cost me a ready buyer.  I had to fight with eBay about that last night.  It just never stops, does it.  eBay told me it'd be ten days before they could close it so I could relist because they have to give the buyer time to receive my refund.  What refund?  They never paid!  Every time you call you get someone foreign reading from a script in a sing-song way.  So frustrating!

[Margm]

Karen and Kay, I will be following on my Kindle 10 inch pad, but might not do my usual answering (hallelujah for ya'll).  I woke up at 5:00 a.m.  My granddaughter saw on FB that I was awake and was calling me begging me to come on down.  I was going tomorrow anyhow.  To tell you the truth, I am totally wimped out.  The echoes in this big house could not be quieted by the "white noise" I play at night.  Billy was hard of hearing and had tinnitus.  He heard crickets all the time and the thunder and rain CD he played at night drowned out the cricket noise and allowed him to sleep.  He used to hunt without ear plugs when he was a kid to his 30's.  He started hunting with a camera after that and I know he wished he had used ear plugs.  We come from an earlier time that was not so enlightened..  I was born and went my 12 years in school in a papermill town before the environmental rules were in force.  Anyhow, I am fixing to wimp down to Louisiana.  Kay and Karen, I sure wish you both luck.  I am going to get my truck up to date and dependable while I have someone to take me and leave the truck the length of time it takes.  Billy had two checkups a year (physicals and lab work)..  Mistakes are made.  I hope they are better to my means of transportation than they were to my reason for living. 

[Gin]

All of a sudden the phone calls are not coming anymore.  The days are so long!. I went to the health club, not because I wanted to exercise, but just to get out.  One of the guys there who always talked to us seemed to avoid me.  It is possible that he did not know that Al had died, but I am sure then  he had to wonder where Al  was.  We were always together.  I just felt even more alone.  The wind chill will be at least -25 tonight and tomorrow so have to stay in.

[Guest Janka]

My dear Gin,

this is how I feel now.I also had been always surrounded by many people,but then my beloved man Jan died and since I´ve been struggling all alone.There are still the best friends of mine,but now while I´m getting worse and falling ill,everything becomes quiet and there is only one best friend of mine helping me as much as possible by now.Now I see the truth.I´m here for you whenever you need to talk to.Please,take care.

With love Janka

[Guest]

Gin -

My guess is he was avoiding you because he did know and did not know how to respond.  That was me prior to Deedo getting sick.  Her illness did teach me how to respond to people going through cancer and dealing with grief.  Sorry it's so chilly there.  We've had snow yesterday but today is bright, sunny and 30° F.  Cold enough to keep my icicles and warm enough to clear off my car for me.  

I've been hitting the gym lately too.  It's amazing how hard it is to get back to where I was prior to the cancer.  Before I was swimming a mile (two if I had time) without a stop.  Now it's a half mile with frequent stops.  Had to scale  way back on the weight machines too.  Oh well, it will come back with time.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

All of a sudden the phone calls are not coming anymore.  The days are so long!. 

This has been the hardest thing to adapt to for me.  I didn't get that many calls, but Steve was so popular, I was included in so many things.  It's hard coming home and there never being messages except reminders of apts., robocalls, people looking for donations or politicians if there is an election.  I call the few people I know, but rarely do they contact me first.  Of course none of this would matter if he was here.  I'd rather walk in and yell...I'm home! and get a reply. 

As for exercise, I hardly do anything I did before.  It's taking a toll.  Oddly, it seems I was healthier before he died and afterward everything started kicking in with various maladies that were but annoyances before.  Don't know if I could handle a gym, plus I hate crowds anyway.