Alone

[KarenK]

Kay,

I feel so bad for you. The one thing I don't have to deal with is the weather. It is hard to know who to trust when dealing with contractors. Many years ago, we added a family room. Chose a "contracting company" as we thought they would do the entire job. Wrong! They subcontracted everything. Shoddy workmanship and a 6 week job became 6 months. Ron had to redo portions of the job. My level of trust is very low.

I am fortunate that Robert has done my Ebay selling for me with no problems. I have nothing of value left to sell now.

Like you, I am just tired of it all, but will somehow keep going. I could probably sell this place, but it's badly in need of an update and wouldn't bring what is owed on it. Then where would I go? Or maybe I would be better off to file a bankruptcy? I just don't know what to do and that is why I am lost. The person who would help me decide is gone. I appreciate everyone's feedback here as I have no one else to discuss it with.

Marg,

 I hope you are safely in Louisiana by now. I'm glad you have a special relationship with your granddaughter. My Kentucky grandchildren seem to have forgotten about me. I may have to get a Facebook account just to check on them.

Life is lonely and overwhelming right now. I know there are many out there who are worse off than I am.

[Guest Janka]

31 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

It's hard coming home and there never being messages except reminders of apts., robocalls, people looking for donations or politicians if there is an election.  I call the few people I know, but rarely do they contact me first.  Of course none of this would matter if he was here.  I'd rather walk in and yell...I'm home! and get a reply. I hate crowds anyway.  

Dear Gwen,

I know it.Contacting others almost always as the first,that´s what troubled me so much since my beloved Jan died.I still do it but not as often as I used to,because some of those friends who always say how important I am in their life and how much they love me still,they aren´t here now and make me tired of saying them "Of course,I understand",so I stop calling them now.Funny that it was always me who helped them in their hardest times,so I hardly believe that I´m now getting worse and falling ill miss them here so much.Where they all have been?I have the best friend of mine I know almost all my life and he is here for me always.Actually he had been the only one staying by my side and helping me each day before I met my beloved Jan.And he is always here for me again,even now that he has his own life somewhere else.That´s it.Those crowds make me somehow uneasy too.

Hugs from Janka

[kayc]

It seems so many of you having problems.  Janka, hope you get better!  Margaret, enjoy your grandchild, and I'm glad you'll get your truck worked on.  Yes, Brad, I think you're right...Gin, I'm sure he knew, that's why he avoided you.  I tried not to take it personally when it happened to me, but gosh I wish people didn't do that!  All our friends disappeared on me when George died.  My closest friends didn't even go to the funeral!  Seemed going to the coast, etc. was more important.  !!!  I keep that in mind now when there's a funeral to go to...no one relishes them, but I go anyway, it's for the living, not the dead.  They need our support.

BTW, my patio roof still not on.  They didn't come until after 1:00 pm today.  The day's more than half over by then!  Getting dark now.  I just want it done so bad I can't stand it.  5" water my firewood was floating in this morning because of it.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Janka said:

Funny that it was always me who helped them in their hardest times,so I hardly believe that I´m now getting worse and falling ill miss them here so much.Where they all have been?I have the best friend of mine I know almost all my life and he is here for me always.Actually he had been the only one staying by my side and helping me each day before I met my beloved Jan.And he is always here for me again,even now that he has his own life somewhere else.That´s it.

Sweet Janka.....I must have missed about you falling ill.  I am so sorry to hear that.  It's so hard to be without our beloveds as while they may not be able to fix it, their very presence can provide a bit of magical remedy.  I'm glad you have your best friend to be there for you.  I have one very dear friend, but she does not live by med so we can only talk by phone.  Most people I know here I have given up on for true support because they cannot do it.  One woman complained to me shout her wife and after having to have her life 'overtaken' for 2 ER visits, tried to say she understood what I went thru with Steve.  Really?  A week with a sick spouse could even be compared to years of endless medical crap knowing he was eventually die?  That was a tough one to respond to and not com off as a b*tch.  Are you feeling any better?  We can't have the shining star getting tarnished.  ?✨

[Guest]

Gwen - Deedo got the calls; I never did and now the only calls I get are from my kids and the Mayo.  But then that's the way I like it.  Only my cel so no answering machine.  

Kay - Adding insult to injury.  Too bad they just can't get it done.  Floating firewood makes it hard to start a fire.  

[hollowheart]

I'm with everyone else in feeling that aloneness. My sister was the main reason I got out and did things. While I did go out alone, I knew she was always available when I did want to go out with someone, and she was always convenient for that and to just squash the silence and loneliness.  I feel like my iphone is useless now. She was the only one that called and texted me, and now all I get are alerts from all the apps I have. How popular I am! Today I just about screamed from boredom and loneliness. Almost had a crying breakdown, but somehow pulled back from that. I love TV, but I was never a 'stare at TV 24/7' (occasional binge watches of TV shows) type of person, I always broke that up by interacting with her. Now, I just go from TV to my ipad watching more TV apps for something to do and it's so boring and sad sometimes. I just want conversation and laughter and company. 

I finally contacted a friend who disappeared and she claimed she wanted to give me some space. The conversation went well, but I still resent the fact that she could have just contacted to say "I'm thinking of you". In reading all of your posts it's hard when your good friends go on with their lives, people you would think would want to check on you the most. They're enjoying the old world while you are in this new world of hell.  The boredom and constant days of trying to find something to do are suffocating to me. I never had enough time before, now I have nothing but time to do things and no motivation or energy to do them. I think the sadness makes me tired. All I want to do is sleep. 

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

 Now, I just go from TV to my ipad watching more TV apps for something to do and it's so boring and sad sometimes. I just want conversation and laughter and company. 

Sometimes I feel like my iPad and I are dating.  I spend so much time on it killing time.

[Gin]

Isn't it terrible that we have to kill time?  I count how many hours I have to deal with until the day is over (I hope ).

 

[Gwenivere]

It's sad that has become the highlight of my day, when it is time go to sleep.  Waking up, the first thing I think is....great, 16 hours to go til I can sleep again.  And the sleep goes by too fast.  

[kevin]

All this waiting only means we have spare time........now I spend far too much time watching sports, making up for lost time maybe, but I do enjoy it.....Because we don't socialize , there has to be a void, normally in the evenings. Trick is to find something with value or purpose to occupy this void. In the meantime , and to compound our dilemma , the winter season , we are housebound many extra hours......Sunday is my busy day.....Church, Football Game, and Volunteer work....throw in a dog walk and I need a nap...........it's getting better, but very slowly...

[Guest]

7 hours ago, hollowheart said:

 

I finally contacted a friend who disappeared and she claimed she wanted to give me some space. The conversation went well, but I still resent the fact that she could have just contacted to say "I'm thinking of you". In reading all of your posts it's hard when your good friends go on with their lives, people you would think would want to check on you the most. They're enjoying the old world while you are in this new world of hell.  

HH-

My experience is old friends really don't understand and they think they are giving you what you need.  I have had neighbors complain that I don't drop by.  I never dropped by before Deedo died unless I was with Deedo and also they have legs and know where I live.  Why do I need to be the one to initiate?  But again they think this is what I need.  Truth is I've never been that sociable and really don't desire to change.  What I need is something to give me a spark in life; something I can commit to and enjoy.  Kevin was right; the season does not help. My outdoor time is significantly limited.  Maybe I'll need to break out the cross country skis.  

[kayc]

I don't remember being bored, there was always plenty to do, especially since I now had to do what we BOTH used to do.  But having chores to do in and of itself isn't necessarily motivating.  I felt such a keen loss of connection!  Losing George was more than enough to deal with, but then all our friends too?!!  And suddenly being financially strapped, then losing my job...it was a lot of stress.

I am highly organized, a planner, but what I miss from not having George in my life is the spontaneity.  He was the one that brought FUN into my life.  Without him my life is rather humdrum.  Perhaps that's the boredom you guys talk about.  It's not about whether there's things to do, what we do have to do we don't feel like doing, there's no motivator, no spark! 

[Guest]

With Deedo around I could sit and do very little and never be bored.  Always laughing, smiling and enjoying life.  Now I read, get on the computer, do my brain training, put on Netflix but watch little, go to the gym, visit neighbors, shop when I need to, but find little if any enjoyment in any of these things.  Deedo and I loved movies, any movie, now I can't watch a whole one, just wander while they play looking for something to hold my attention.   I also miss the spontaneity.  The warmth of having Deedo close by. 

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Without him my life is rather humdrum.  Perhaps that's the boredom you guys talk about.  It's not about whether there's things to do, what we do have to do we don't feel like doing, there's no motivator, no spark! 

Exactly! I used to do humdrum house things like cleaning the bathroom, organizing, throwing out garbage, laundry, dishes, with a mindset of what I would do afterwards: watch some TV or go hang with my sister and see what she was up, talk, laugh, watch a movie. 

I can't tell you how much cleaning I could be doing, but the sadness of basically having nothing left to my life but cleaning is depressing. I also agree about the spontaneity. Well, in the fact that we usually decided where we would go the day of. I miss going out with someone who was attuned to what I liked to do. Going out with new people feels awkward. We usually don't want to do the same things, it feels uncomfortable. Only makes me miss her more. 

[Gin]

People always say to remember all the good times.  That makes me sadder because I do not have it any more.  They just do not understand!

[Gwenivere]

In the beginning I turned down all social extensions.  Many tried several times.  I just wasn't ready.  Now it is up to me to reach out if I feel the need for that.  I can understand why people would stop trying as I would do the same thing.  It was getting emails now and then that made me realize how long it had been since I communicated with some.  This is not to say there weren't people that really did walk away as well.  People I did talk to and then vanished.  But most I found felt that I wanted to be left alone.  They can't know when we are ready again, so we have to reach out and tell them, even if it only means talking on the phone and not doing dinner or movies or whatever.  I am only in the infancy of that right now after 15 months.  Socializing is a whole new world now that I am on my own again.  Can't undo the decades it was an us thing, even when I did meet people on my own.  Don't have someone to come home and share it with, plus what I have to share with others is drastically changed.  Nothing about what Steve and I are doing.  It's a whole new thing now.

[Gin]

Al and I used to go out to eat usually 3 times/week.  Now I never go.  I might order something to be delivered.  It sure is different not having your loved one with you.  Alone is no fun.

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, hollowheart said:

I can't tell you how much cleaning I could be doing, but the sadness of basically having nothing left to my life but cleaning is depressing. 

I never minded cleaning.  But now that I am on my own, there isn't that much to do.  I miss that feeling of accomplishment.  I still do it from habit, but I know it us because I need something to do.  If it weren't for the dogs, I could let even more slide and the place would be fine.  It just adds to the length of the day.  I always had some chore before settling in for the evening.  Steve was the messy one.  Always something I could do to be a part of a living household.  I miss it having more meaning because life is supposed to be messy.  Especially living with most men.  

[hollowheart]

I don't mind cleaning that much either. It's not having anything to look forward to afterward that gives me no energy to want to clean in the first place. I'd clean and know that after I did the essentials we'd watch some movies or just hang and chat. Having nothing to look forward to sure makes the days long and slow. I miss conversation!!! 

[WolfsKat]

On ‎1‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 1:57 PM, Gin said:

People always say to remember all the good times.  That makes me sadder because I do not have it any more.  They just do not understand!

Gin, I surely understand!  My Connor and I always had such FUN together....planned getaways, impromptu ones.....we liked to be "on the go" and experiencing things together.....we called it having "adventures".  It could be a planned vacation in Daytona Beach at a oceanfront resort for a week, a cruise to the Bahamas.....or something as simple as going to the town park and feeding the wild geese and begging squirrels for a few hours. We went on many dolphin cruises, museum visits, Disneyworld (Epcot being our favorite), festivals, winery tours, road tripping up to New Hampshire.....enjoyed trying new "ethnic" places to dine at (found out we both love Persian food)......we did more in our 4-1/2 years together than I'd ever did with my ex-husband of 30 years!  My friends/family/coworkers......all of them always asked where we'd been and what we were planning next...some said how envious they were of both our closeness and our adventures together!  Now....suddenly....it's just GONE,  Done. Over. Even if I could financially continue to do so......why would I wish to, alone?  My fellow traveler, my partner in "adventures" is gone......yes, I have wonderful memories.....but remembering them, at this point at least, is not a comfort.....it is yet another bitter reminder of what I've lost, and will never have again!

[Gwenivere]

Kat, it's great to have the memories indeed.  It's so hard knowing we wont be making more together.  That is why I feel like our 'novel' is done.  I wanted to have many more chapters.

[WolfsKat]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Kat, it's great to have the memories indeed.  It's so hard knowing we wont be making more together.  That is why I feel like our 'novel' is done.  I wanted to have many more chapters.

Gwenivere, I like your concept of your life together as a "novel".......I felt much the same.  In fact, the beautiful small wooden chest I had made for the rest of Connor's ashes has these words carved into it  "Beloved Husband, our love story does not end...a new chapter will begin in infinity".  When I die, my wishes are for my ashes to be combined with his, and then interred together.

[Margm]

Life for all of us is a series of contradictions.  You are mostly all younger than I am.  Some of you listen to music, some love to see your lost loved one's pictures.  I understand the shrine to our loved one's.  I have to avoid all the people who want my company.  I.want to hide somewhere.  And that is exactly why I am not inside that big house with 54, and more, years of tools, pictures, clothes, remembrances of a life that no longer exists. I wish I could get past "three months today."   I am in Louisiana.  I know I am the only one who can do this.  I feel I should not be here, but they want me here.  No one wants me in that big vacant house on the little five widow street.  I have to put on my big girl pants and develop a new pair of family jewels.   I hope that does not offend.  Talk itself is easy.  When I confront my age, I have many frailties, but I can still walk, lift and pull without assistance, and after 80 combined years of both having government retirements with also some SS, I probably have the least to complain about.  My age is all I have against me.  That and courage.  Billy admired courage.  He would be ashamed of me.  But, he would not have worried about bills, he never handled anything but income taxes.  And that big house, he would have just got in the RV and left.  He would not have an address, but he would have had to pay attention when the automatically deposited retirement checks were garnisheed. . Talk about contradictions, I could not leave Billy's or his brother's urns at "de house" alone, so I. brought them with me.  I think I go beyond a shrink of any kind's wellhouse of classifications.  And I am trying to type from a tablet.

[hollowheart]

9 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

.all of them always asked where we'd been and what we were planning next...some said how envious they were of both our closeness and our adventures together!  Now....suddenly....it's just GONE,  Done. Over. Even if I could financially continue to do so......why would I wish to, alone?  My fellow traveler, my partner in "adventures" is gone......yes, I have wonderful memories.....but remembering them, at this point at least, is not a comfort.....it is yet another bitter reminder of what I've lost, and will never have again!

Yep. The sudden GONE of it all is excruciating. You and Connor rocked the activities. You can't replace that, even with someone else. It won't be how you two did it. Me and my sister didn't travel but we enjoyed city adventures. Living in a big city there was always something to do. And because we both were always available (no kids, husband, boyfriends) we had built in party partners at the drop of a hat. We didn't need anyone else. 

Now, I might see something fun but no one available to do it with or who would be interested. Now I'm just alone with my memories. So I don't know why people say that about memories. Who wants that to be all that is left? When people ask me if I have weekend plans I always get this sorta mean thought of wanting to say my sister is gone, of course I have no plans! But I can't say that. It just hurts to literally never have any plans anymore. Nothing exciting to mention on Monday and God help me if I have to listen to someone else's happy weekend. 

[kayc]

Margaret, You have no idea how many times I just wanted to get in the car and go...anywhere!  Away from money pit place, away from responsibilities, etc., but yes, like you say, would probably wake up to a mess on down the road.  So I tough it out.  Besides, I have my pets to take care of, they force me to be responsible.  I've been super responsible all my life (one of the fallouts of being an adult child of an alcoholic), but sometimes I just don't feel like it.