Trying to find positive things

[Gin]

Life seems so heavy most of the time.  I am trying to see some positive thing each day.  Here are a few.

 I went to the health club the other day and saw a young man who had a stroke when he was in his twenties.  He is paralyzed from the waist down and is in a wheel chair.  He used to use an arm machine when Al and I went there.  He would have to wait for a staff person to take the machine apart so he could push his wheelchair  in position.  Whenever Al saw him, he would go over and take the macine apart for him,,,removing the seat and foot rests.  I did it a few times and I found it hard.  Near the end, it must have been hard for Al also.  Yesterday this gentle young man made a special effort to push himself to where I was to tell me how sorry he was to hear about Al.   His speech is affected and it is hard for him to talk.  I thought that was very thoughtful. 

My friend went to Texas to visit her sister.  She is so kind to call me every day.  Her sister plays the violin.  She knew that I liked the haunting melody that was played on the Civil Was series.  Her sister played the song for me over the phone...not sure of the name...Ashaton Farewell?? What a nice treat.

My daughter invited me for lunch today.  It was just me, my daughter, granddaughter and son-in-law.  All of a sudden my grandson came in from college.  Someone was coming home for the weekend and he got a ride with him.  I told him that he knew I would be there so that is why he came.

Even those these are so minor compared to having my husband, they were nice.  The loss and loneliness are so overwhelming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[enna]

Oh, Gin, I think these are wonderful positive things. I have a hard time finding something positive every day but I too try because that is my life now. 

Anne

[Gin]

Anne,. Isn't it a shame that this is our life, now?  It seems so unbearable at times.

[enna]

Hi Gin,

I don’t know about it being a shame that my life is this way now. Every situation is so very different. Oh, I do miss my Jim. We had forty years together and they were ones I would not trade for anything. I would so love to have him here with me still but that is not how life is. I will struggle daily to make the best of how my life is now. I am retired from four decades as an educator. I have a beautiful daughter and son-in-law and two precious grandchildren with another on the way. I have met many new friends since the death of Jim (May 2012) and several here on this forum.  It is not how I want my life to be but it is how it is.

I so agree with you that life is sometimes unbearable. I cry but not as often as I did. One of the most healing things that I have experienced is being able to share with others who “get me” and understand the meaning of loss.

This forum allows all of us to come to a “safe” place where others understand.

Anne

 

[kayc]

Gin, you have the right idea, I've been practicing this since two weeks after George died.  Sometimes it IS a bit of a stretch to find something positive, but if you are mindful of what is going on in the day you can recognize good when you see it.  Also, to think back over your day and recognize the good that was in it is also a good way to keep things in better perspective.  Sometimes it's nothing more than "I have a roof over my head" (which at one point I wasn't sure I would have!), or I have food to eat.  It may not be lobster, but it's healthy and keeps me alive.  

I'm so glad your friend is calling you, that is so thoughtful and really helps.

[Guest]

Thank you Gin for helping me to refocus some of my energies.  I have always been a firm believer that we are the authors of our own novel.  With the passing of my wife it is difficult most days to take charge and to find positive things to focus on and yet I know I have positives every day.  It will help me to focus more on them than on what I have lost.

[hollowheart]

On 1/31/2016 at 7:48 PM, Gin said:

Anne,. Isn't it a shame that this is our life, now?  It seems so unbearable at times.

First, Gin, thanks for sharing. Your events made me smile. At this time in our lives it's always nice to have something appreciative happen to us.  As you said, it's a shame this is our life. I will agree to that. I'm not Debbie Downer all the time, but obviously I could find more positive things in my life in the past.

I used to watch Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and it would inspire me and make me think about my life differently, wanting to think positively and all that. Before I did think of positive things such as "well, I have all my limbs, I'm not in a bad third world country, I have food and clean water, etc."  But now it's still hard to think of that in the face of what I have loss. I had people tell me to be positive because I'm alive and I'd think 'for whatever good that is doing for me because it's not much of a life'

I felt good Thursday and Friday. I had found something I enjoyed and was enjoying it but I fell apart Saturday night (weekends are brutal) I dont' go around looking for anything positive in my life, I never did that before. Now I just make a point to enjoy what I am enjoying in the moment. That's the best I can do right now.

[Guest]

HH -

In the moment is the best place to be.  I'm happy you felt good Thursday and Friday. That is something to appreciate.

[hollowheart]

2 hours ago, Brad said:

HH -

In the moment is the best place to be.  I'm happy you felt good Thursday and Friday. That is something to appreciate.

My saturday night breakdown was my own fault. I got on Pinterest and started reading some grief quotes and some hit RIGHT DIRECTLY in my heart. Oh wow, some were just spot on. I just had a cry fest and I was like 'why did I do that?"

Brad, I thought about you this weekend because my distractions were running low, lol. I was running out of things to do and it actually made me feel anxious. I was thinking 'what am I going to do if I have nothing to do?!?!?" But I did find something to do.

And I watched "Grease Live" last night and really enjoyed it. My sister is not a fan of Grease so it didn't make me sad until the part in Grease Lightening when he goes "Keep talking, ohhh , keep talking!" She always loved making fun of that part in the song, lol. 

[Guest]

Today the sun is warm, the lake is beautiful.  I am grateful to live where I live.  

C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed  is talking about misery, whether a toothache or headache or grief: "Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”

Lately I have tried not to focus on my grief but on the positives in my life.  It is challenging to say the least and I have had mixed results but I was happy before I met Deedo.  I know that at some point I will be happy again.  Cognitively, I understand my happiness is not a betrayal to Deedo's memory but instead it is something she really wanted for me.  I am honoring her by searching for things that bring me smiles. 

But then it remains staying in the moment and that certain song can reduce me to tears.

[Guest]

Many of us, myself included, have rather effectively personified grief.  We do it in an attempt to convey emotions, I for one have never felt before; not until July 29, 2015 at 10:43 on a miserably hot morning.  For the past twenty-eight weeks and five days that grief has dominated my existence.  Today I felt comparatively strong until I stumbled upon a box of photographs Deedo had sorted and labeled during her last days here in her beloved cabin.  They were sorted by the kids' names.  I lost it.  A surprise attack of grief.  

But I am still trying to stay focused on Gratitude.  It started with the tribute Light Up A Life, the Sunday before Thanksgiving, where a speaker spoke of the need to find things in our lives to be grateful for.  Over the course of the next six weeks this theme repeated itself; enough times so that even someone as slow as I eventually began to catch on.  Lately I've been reading the book: Gratitude by Oliver Sacks.  Oliver Sacks is the neurologist who wrote the book Awakenings; a best seller that was later turned into a movie.  In writing the book Gratitude, Oliver Sacks had discovered he had terminal cancer and proceeded to write four essays during his last days.  He wrote the following:

“Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.”

Excerpt From: Oliver Sacks. “Gratitude.” 

This thought resonated with me as I too am grateful to have found a life replete with excitement, joy, love, being cherished and cherishing in return.  I still find beauty daily as I wander aimlessly around my little corner of the world.  These are all things that grief cannot rob me of; they are part of me and always will be long after I have gone.

[Guest]

Watching the Darcie Sims video yesterday impressed me.  Thank you so much George and Anne!  I had just finished reading an excerpt from C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed when I watched the video of Darcie's closing speech.  She talked of ways we find for avoiding the use of the words: die, death, dying.  She passed, we lost her, my wife is gone, etc.  C.S. Lewis put it this way: "I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?”

Deedo died.  She is dead.  It hurts.  But in that hurt I am also reminded of her joy, her laugh, her cackle when she was really tickled.  Those things help me to smile.  Over the course of several years Deedo kept her "Book of Secrets".  This book captured her innocence and zaniness better than I could.  Here is one page from her Book of Secrets:

 

I am so lucky to have had so many smiles over the past thirty-seven years.  

 

 

[scba]

This is very beautiful Brad.

I watched too Dacie Sims videos, but I need to watch them more times. I acknowledge her message, but I cannot make it mine yet. I always quote your phrase that the path from the brain to the hear is the longest one. It is very true! 

[kayc]

In our sermon Sunday, a book was quoted from, it was called "Choosing Gratitude".  I so wholeheartedly believe in that as our choice!

[Guest]

I've been negligent with my attempt to find gratitude the past couple of days.  It isn't so much that I haven't found things to be grateful for but more of a dark haze lingering in my mind.  That dingy emotional haze that lets you know all is not right.  I started reading a book the other day by Janice Kaplan called "The Gratitude Diaries".  Although I'm just barely into it I am finding things for me to focus on.  

In the first chapter she is focusing on the difference between gratitude and happiness.  “Because it’s not dependent on specific events, gratitude is long lasting and impervious to change or adversity. It requires an active emotional involvement—you can’t be passively grateful, you actually have to stop and feel it, experience the emotion.”  Excerpt From: Janice Kaplan. “The Gratitude Diaries.” 

This is a biggie for me as I tend to confuse the two.  In November, when the speaker had the unmitigated audacity to brooch Gratitude my initial reaction was "What Do I Have To be Grateful For!!!!  My Wife is DEAD!!!!!  But now that I am focusing on gratitude when I'm not focusinng on grief (probably 15 minutes a day compared with 17 hours and forty-five minutes a day) I slowly am able to realize I do have much to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful that while I am not wealthy, I do have the means to be comfortable.  I also am grateful that if one of us had to leave the other that it was me left behind.  I would hate to know Deedo was suffering the way I am.  Thirdly, I am grateful I have the time and energy to enjoy the area I live in.

 

[kayc]

Good for you, Brad!

And while I get tired of being so alone sometimes, my sisters (both married) have confided their woes to me today & yesterday and made me grateful I live in peace at least.  The Gratitude Diaries sounds really good! It IS a choice.  Some act like it's beyond their control, but that's just simply not true.  Anyone can choose joy, anyone can choose gratefulness, they go hand in hand.  Happiness is a different term altogether.  Happiness is contingent upon externals, whereas joy is not.  

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Anyone can choose joy, anyone can choose gratefulness, they go hand in hand.  Happiness is a different term altogether.  Happiness is contingent upon externals, whereas joy is not.  

Wow, that is really something to contimplate, Kay.  I know Steve and I were happy together, but that was exceeded by the joy of love.  Definitions really become more clear as we delve deeper into what the love we had and lost.  By that, I mean reciprocal.  It explains so much why when we are left alone trying t pop find those emotions become so elusive and possibly not possible close to what we knew rather as.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Anyone can choose joy, anyone can choose gratefulness, they go hand in hand.  Happiness is a different term altogether.  Happiness is contingent upon externals, whereas joy is not.  

Kayc -

You hit the nail on the head.  So much of what we experience on the day to day is perception.  One can experience ten wonderful things and one bad thing in a day and human nature will focus on the bad thing.  There are those, like my Deedo, who are able to look past the one bad thing and focus solely on the ten wonderful things.  I still tend to see what I no longer have and that's why I'm trying so hard to reframe my day to day.

To quote the Bard  Hamlet: “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

 

[kayc]

Focusing on the bad...that is explained in that Anxiety Webinar I listened to yesterday morning.  It has to do with how our brain is wired for survival, the fight or flight thing kicks in.  That's why it seems part of human nature...it is.

[Guest]

46 minutes ago, kayc said:

Focusing on the bad...that is explained in that Anxiety Webinar I listened to yesterday morning.  It has to do with how our brain is wired for survival, the fight or flight thing kicks in.  That's why it seems part of human nature...it is.

There is plenty of research supporting this.  Lately there's been research on the effects of gratitude on the brain.  Intriguing stuff.  I am beginning to realize that I do not need to say goodbye in order to move from the darkness to the light.  I know what Deedo wanted for me, I just need to continue to search for the way there.

[kayc]

I have never (nor will ever) said goodbye to George.  I have accepted his death.  In the beginning I hated that term, I equated being in favor of with acceptance, until I learned that is not what it means.  It's more about being at peace with what now is, and after all we can't change it, nor do we get a say so in it, so it's best to make the best of it for our own sakes.  

It is so true, and I know it to be so from my own personal experience, that gratitude does affect every aspect of our being!  

[Gin]

I am having a lot of trouble with my computer.  I will probably have to have someone help me.  I was on the phone with ATT for a total of 5 hours the other day trying to fix it.  SO, I have to clean up a bit around the machine.  There are chords all over the place.  I was pulling out some papers that AL had stuck around the machine.  Recipes he downloaded, etc.  I was throwing things out, but if it had HIS writing on it, I could not throw it away.  It is kind of like Marge said about not letting anyone touch BIlly's things. I guess I do not want to say goodbye to Al, either.

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, Brad said:

So much of what we experience on the day to day is perception.  One can experience ten wonderful things and one bad thing in a day and human nature will focus on the bad thing.  There are those, like my Deedo, who are able to look past the one bad thing and focus solely on the ten wonderful things.  I still tend to see what I no longer have and that's why I'm trying so hard to reframe my day to day.

To quote the Bard  Hamlet: “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

Steve was like Deedo.  I always admired that as I became a glass half empty person from all the challenges our lives became when he got sick.  It hasn't relented since he died since my health has suffered.  I do miss his positive energy despite what he was going thru.  Being alone creates a challenge to find good things.  His ability to stay focused on his passions kept me insulated many times from the harsh reality.   

I only have this problem with the quote......Steve being gone is bad.  No amount of thinking will change that.

Gratitude eludes me right now.  I am in a place that can't grasp that, as much as I would like to.  

[Guest]

Warning: May contain too much saccharin for most.

I have just returned from a seven mile hike.  That was two plus hours of just me in my head and quite a diverse playlist.  This gratitude thing is working, for me, today.  When I set out I decided not to let sadness into the hike.  Don't get me wrong, it tried and it tried very hard BUT overtime it showed up I forced my mind into positive memories.  I did not cry but I did smile and laugh a lot.  

Before Deedo was diagnosed I was a very lucky, fortunate, ignorant (ignorance is bliss) naive, blessed person.  After Deedo was diagnosed I continued to be that same very lucky, fortunate, ignorant (ignorance is bliss) naive, blessed person.  Through Deedo's illness I was fortunate enough to meet hundreds of angels, (not unlike our dear Marty) who have dedicated their lives to helping people like my wife and me find our way through the worst moments of our lives.  I am so grateful for these angels in human form from the American Cancer Society, the Mayo Clinic, Hospice of the Valley, St. Mardi the Miracle Worker, St. Margaret the Magnificent, our comrades-in-arms at the Hope Lodge, both living and dead.  My journey through Hell was much easier because of them.

I also spent a lot of time reflecting on my children.  When Deedo and I first talked of a family,one thing becamae apparent: We wanted to adopt.  If I knew then what I know now we never would have headed down that road.  BUT we were ignorant and naive enough to think it was what we were meant to do.  Because we were so naive adoption for us was a breeze.  We contacted an attorney and five months later we went to the hospital and picked up a beautiful five day old baby boy.  To make a long story short we adopted three beautiful and bright babies in four and a half years never waiting more than five months from initiation to adoption.  But we were too ignorant to know that's not how adoptions are supposed to work.  I am so thankful for those three kiddos.  They are now in their thirties and what wonderful adults they are.  I am lucky.

You will note that I am focusing on past blessings, yesterday, today and tomorrow are still too raw but I am finding that, for this moment, right now, I am not as sad.  I am not moping around wihing for something that I know cannot be.  I still focus on my grief far more thant anything else... far, far, far more.  But I can reflect, at times, not on what I don't have but on the wonderful life I have lived.  I can honestly say I have loved life, not so much now, and maybe, someday, I'll find that very lucky, fortunate, ignorant (ignorance is bliss) naive, blessed person I used to be.

 

Gwen - I agree!  There are things that no matter how hard one tries, just cannot be reframed into anything else.

[kevin]

We control how we feel......Positive, Thankful, and Grateful for what we have. I like Brad's Hamlet quote