Wait. What?

[scba]

I agree Kevin, I struggle with not being able to be authentic about how I truly feel and see things, perhaps the reason i portray a different self is survival. Last week a friend of mine told me: you look so well! I was in disbelief. I may quote a song:"Say your lines, but do you mean them? Do you mean what you say when there is none around?"

 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, kevin said:

 Long story short I have a Judas in the midst......There was 6 of us and I got through the ordeal with hardly a stutter.....I believe we can go in and out "of character" because of what we are going through... 

Someone tried to set you up?  When you expressed no interest in that now?  Wow.  I can't even imagine being in such a situation.  Was is award winning like scba was talking about?

[kevin]

Exactly......then you just play a roll...not even a stutter......its not real.

[annew]

For me, it feels like I just have this pain that never really goes away and that I can no longer share even with close friends.  I get treated like I am holding on to the past or something else is wrong with me, when it is they who don't care....and want to fix me.  They just don't get it and it hurts to feel so unheard.  I don't blame me....except for when I want to deny and push away how I feel myself.  We have a culture so in fear and denying of death that no one knows how to hold a space for those of us who need help healing, so we have to do it here.  I am glad there is a "here," and at the same time sad society is so brutal to vulnerable feelings that are completely normal and healable. That just take time and loving awareness and hugs and listening really.  We deserve that.....and more.

[Anearia]

On 2016/03/08 at 6:53 PM, scba said:

I strongly believe that things making sense is a state of mind left behind.

Hi SCBA, i am intrigued by this phrase, i have re read it a few times since you posted it. Could you expand on it for me please? I am not entirely sure I understand. thanks

what you say about acting is so true-and also what Kevin said in the previous post. its almost like a subconcious rehearsal for how we will learn to cope and move on, or our gaurdian Angels giving us a repreive and insight at the same time. I am always so surprised when i cope well in a situation that i expect to be a disaster. At the moment i feel as if i am coping too well too quickly. when i listen to myself i sound like i'm a pro at this but meanwhile its only been a few days since my life was so dramatically and sadly shattered. it all sounds so melo dramatic and its horrible. like a bad movie with Bgrade actors-full circle form the acting to the reality. this sounds ridiculous sorry. im rambling again. its bizzare how the mind works and often leads one to express written words where thoughts cant go.

I must go to bed. good night all. may tomorro be better for all of us. my love to all of you

[scba]

I ment to say that when we are grieving, things don't make sense most time and sometimes we act in our daily life with no much sense. grief is very complex! I am glad you had a good day and that you are dealing well and since there are ups and lows in this journey, seize the moment. There is no right, wrong, fast or slow way to grieve, just our own personal way. 

[Anearia]

gos h, I know I said I was going to bed.... but the posts of the last 19hours just suddenly popped up...not sure exactly how to respond directly to  people, without sending personal messages. so if someone could please advise on that I would appreciate it thanks.

thats not why Im still up though.... I am wondering if this migration from openly admitting to folks that we aint coping to slowly acting that we are ok is not perhaps exactly how it should be? it makes sense to me somehow that we would  start to release others from our burdens as we are slowly becoming stronger and more able to fend for ourselves. Kevin, you mentioned something about a conversation a time back about colours? moving from grey to orange?

I know aswell that i am almost possesive about my grief and am finding that, although its only been weeks since Lars went, that I dont want to share anything with anyone. I want him all to myself. I have been invited out this coming Sunday and am seriously considering going-if only to show those so concerned about me that i am ok-well, thats what I want them to think.  [well, thats what my motivation seems to be, now that I have thought about it a bit more and read all these posts].

i like to analize things, to research my own emotions and disect them for my own desperation to understand the general insanity surrounding life.  Since I lost my True Love all my old interests are somehow meaningess. hollow. vacant.

I apologise if my comments offend anyone-I tend to offend most people. It is not my intention at all. I am so grateful to have this platform where we can share our feelings with others in the same leaky boat. pain makes one say strange and obscure things

strength to all

[Anearia]

2 minutes ago, scba said:

I ment to say that when we are grieving, things don't make sense most time and sometimes we act in our daily life with no much sense. grief is very complex!

SCBA thank you, yes, that makes sense! Grief certainly is complex... Keeping myself busy analizeing my own grief is all that keeps me going at the moment. Lars always teased me about thriving on information-it would appear he was right as usual.

Much strength everyone. Thank you for being here

 

[Guest]

So tired of not having recall for names, common things.  Tired of feeling like I'm heading into dementia although I know it is the grief.

[Gwenivere]

I have to keep reminding myself it is the grief.  I am so changed from the person I was.  My mind gets confused and then I say...well, look around you.  Does the fact that Steve is gone and the whole world altered give you a clue why you can't operate as you once did?  Sometimes I feel I have aged about 10 years in the paper 16 months.  It's frustrating as hell.

[brat#2]

I completely understand.  I make lists of things to do and things to remember, but then sometimes I can't find the lists!!  I also feel like I've aged at least 10 years or more in the past 8 months.  I've been having problems with my left hip and some days I can barely walk, had to get my husband's cane out last month, just so I feel safe when I'm away from home and don't have things to crab onto.  It's horrible.

Joyce

[KarenK]

Anearia,

I don't think I was possessive about my grief in the early weeks. Rather I "wore my heart on my sleeve". I did not go anywhere alone, always had my son with me. I found myself relating my sadness to strangers in the store. I don't know why except that I was so terribly crushed and had no friends. When I look back on it, it was stupid, because a stranger surely wouldn't care what I had suffered.

If your friends are true, they will hold you in their hearts and of course we  here will walk beside you.

Tough one about Lars truck. Not sure what I would do. Perhaps you can tell your dad gently that you just aren't ready to let it go yet, maybe in the future.

Brad, 

Don't feel bad. Now I know why my mother had notes stuck everywhere as she got older.  LOL

[kayc]

My mom put masking tape notes on the door.  Now I understand.

[iheartm]

4 hours ago, Anearia said:

thats not why Im still up though.... I am wondering if this migration from openly admitting to folks that we aint coping to slowly acting that we are ok is not perhaps exactly how it should be? it makes sense to me somehow that we would  start to release others from our burdens as we are slowly becoming stronger and more able to fend for ourselves. Kevin, you mentioned something about a conversation a time back about colours? moving from grey to orange?

I think the above is a very good point and one that I've been thinking a lot about lately. I am pretty frank with my friends during this time. My view is "don't ask the question if you don't want the answer" so acting like I am okay is something I'm unable to pull off. I've always been a pretty private person that did not wear my heart on my sleeve. At all. Since M left, I have had what I consider no choice in whether to be open and honest or not. The grief and sadness is just too much to bear and any attempt at hiding or cloaking it in any way is something that just would not work. I'm not a wailing lunatic at all but I've cried in front of many (unheard of in my life) and have no care about it because this event is so much larger than anything I could ever hope to contain.

I do think though, that now that a few months have passed, that time means something very different to me than it does to friends. For friends and acquaintances, it may seem that a good bit of time has gone and I "should" be starting to come to grips. To me, it feels like it happened yesterday and there is no day that I do not dissolve into tears at a few points just because. I know that everyone means well but their clock is out of sync with mine. I have noticed more and more people who are willing to speak to me more about how I am or writing me emails, texts, and messages because they feel enough time has gone by. I am still unable to answer anyone. 

On the one hand, I really hope at some point I will become stronger and more able to fend for myself but it feels to me like that will never happen. On the other hand, I am having what I guess you could call anticipatory guilt in wishing for that because just entertaining the thought that that may happen at some point makes me feel so bad because it will be like I am moving on without him, cutting him out, leaving him behind...

[scba]

I totally understand how you are feeling. I was quite open, honest and blunt in the first 6 months. That changed when I hit the 1st year mark and stopped, keeping my grief very privately and sharing my feelings with few people. I too understand that feeling of kind of leaving my love behind, but I hope that being stronger will be a way to transform the relationship in something more trascending. 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, scba said:

I ment to say that when we are grieving, things don't make sense most time and sometimes we act in our daily life with no much sense. grief is very complex! . There is no right, wrong, fast or slow way to grieve, just our own personal way. 

You always have the most articulate way of wording things.  I had a day today that made no sense compared to yesterday.  It's the not being able to count on any consistency that gets so irritating.  I keep trying to find something each day to ease the pain, but what works once won't necessarily again.  I think that is what gets to me most.  When he was here, I never had to make sun efforts.  Ideas came to mind and you just acted on them.  Now I wander around looking for things to give a day just a little meaning.  

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, scba said:

I totally understand how you are feeling. I was quite open, honest and blunt in the first 6 months. That changed when I hit the 1st year mark and stopped, keeping my grief very privately and sharing my feelings with few people. I too understand that feeling of kind of leaving my love behind, but I hope that being stronger will be a way to transform the relationship in something more trascending. 

I think we are given an OK to be crazy, sad, mixed up, whatever for a time.  The year thing changed all that for me too as the expectations were I would magically be better.  I tell so very few people it is now worse for the time being and may for a long time.  The longer I can't see or talk to him, the lonelier it becomes.  To others that seems backwards.   Like losing a favorite trinket and adjusting to it being gone.  But objects don't love us.  Objects can be replaced.  Objects don't share our thoughts, feelings or experiences.  They don't make new memories with us.  The 'memories' I am making now (few that they are) I he no knew to tell them to.  My watch or whatever doesn't care about that beautiful bird that showed up at the bird feeder and can't talk about the last movie I saw and what it meant too me or how it sucked.  So I do the same thing.  I don't talk to people much about it anymore.  They don't get I am missing more now than before.

[Anearia]

Ihearthim and Gwenivere,

I am suffering a huge amount of giult already as our last year and particularly the last few months were horrible. there had been talk of divorce and such nastiness. we still loved each other and cared but the day to day was pretty unbearable.Then the last week things were so much better, He was off the booze again, and starting to talk to each other. and then he was gone. me the tough cow not wanting to back down and apologise and Lars probably not even aware that he had to say he was sorry about hisbehaviour.[he died suddenly, no warning or nything, just 2 days feeling grotty in bed and the quack saying he might have pancreatitis on the Friday-he was gone by 0900 on the saturday, at home].

I get the feeling that we need to accept thatthey too are having to move on with their lives-in what evr form that may be. I do think that it is in our best interests to try to do that. I know that Lars wouldnt want me to mourn him forever, but I also know he wouldnt want to be forgotten. So i will try to move on-and not feel giulty about it, as he is quite probably watching over my shoulder, or maybe he's to busy with his new life to be that worried about what I am up to! I will always rememeber him and honour that memory-and also respect the choice he made when he left here so graciously releasing me from the burden of having to spend my life nurseing for him. he woldve hated that and probably have done himself an injury if that was how it panned out...

At least thats one area-if I ever get there where I wont feel giulty-probably more lonely, but not giulty.

I think i said once before that the way I am feeling is a very selfish giult. because, its about me, how I behaved towards Lars, I am seeking forgivness and almost permission in a way to feel grief. Its like after all the horrible things I said  dont have the rigth now to feel sorry and sd that he's gone.

[annew]

 

He was/is the love of my life and showed me how valuable I am, how worthy of just being loved.  I still feel/know that love and it is what has gotten me through the horror and shock at his dying so fast and so young.  I cannot break that loving bond, nor would I want to.  I can let go of the last 10 years as he got sicker and sicker and less able to enjoy his life but I don't ever have to let go of what he gave and what he left.  It is ours forever and nothing and no thought or feeling can change that.  He will always be the love of my life.  I realize a lot of others don't get me because they never had a love like this, one so completely all in that it feels like you died with them and that I wish I had in many ways. I don't want to get over that love, I am grieving, I am not insane. Before I met him, I had one foot out of this world myself, there wasn't much I wanted here and I felt my heart ask me if there was anything else I wanted and I thought "well, I have never been loved for who I am."  I met him two weeks later and he spent the next 25 years showing me that kind of love. Yes, I miss his presence and yes, I am glad he is happy and well now and still loves me so well.  I have been so blessed to have a love like that, that never dies, even when bodies do.  Not everyone gets to know that kind of love, so unconditional, so complete, so utter committed.......all or nothing.....and still is.

[kayc]

There is no "moving on" from George & his love for me, there was awareness of his death and how my life has changed as a result.  I have accepted this is how it is now, I don't like it but I try to make the best of it.  I have some good things in my life, but I also have loneliness and struggle, and imagine I will the rest of my life.

[annew]

51 minutes ago, kayc said:

There is no "moving on" from George & his love for me, there was awareness of his death and how my life has changed as a result.  I have accepted this is how it is now, I don't like it but I try to make the best of it.  I have some good things in my life, but I also have loneliness and struggle, and imagine I will the rest of my life.

You're right Kayc....it's just life....and grief has a life of it's own....

[scba]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

You always have the most articulate way of wording things.  

Thank you Gwen, and I take this as a compliment because English isn't my mother tongue.

I do understand your thoughts about building up new memories without your husband. I think that the fact that I remember very little moments and episodes from this year and six months it is explained by the fact that I was/am hurting, that days seem to be all the same, and that memories without my BF in my life are not quite worthy to keep.

[Gwenivere]

I can so relate to the memories I am creating now not being worthy to keep.  Maybe someday that will change.  But for now, they are so meaningless.  I might tell someone in passing, and then whoosh!   They are gone.  It's very apparent to me that not sharing them or experiencing them with someone you loved so deeply makes them 2 dimensional and in black and white, not color.