Cookie Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 Hollowheart: I'm hoping that "not fitting" feeling goes away someday. It really does make you feel unbalanced. That's when the anxiety comes on. When you've been a part of something for so long, it's almost impossible to go on alone it seems. I know what you're saying about nothing being fun or exciting because you don't have that person to share it with.... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted March 15, 2016 Report Share Posted March 15, 2016 Bratt#2 and everyone: Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not alone in this feeling, the back and forth and the horrible waves that hit you. I guess this is our lot in life for a while, hoping that it gets better over time...... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 11 hours ago, Cookie said: I had a dream about him last night. He was about 25 in it and he was just there. What was disturbing about it was that I didn't get any emotional feelings like love or affection...he was just there. I have had dreams like that. I see him at a distance. I can't get to him, there are always obstacles. Or we are doing something and I don't feel we are connected as we were. Those are very hard to take. I have had only a couple where I felt the connection and they tore me up too because I had to wake to that not being there. I don't think there is any 'winning' is this grief crap. Oddly, tho, in all those dreams he was about 25 too. In his prime and the guy I could not take my eyes off. In my minds eye I see him at about 40 when he was at that age when men look so hmmmm.....sophisticated? Not too young and getting that seasoned look of what life is really about and what is truly important. Settled would be the word, I guess. I'd say mature but Steve never really grew up and that us another thing I miss. The most responsible man I knew who could be a silly child too. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 I had made some research with people I know who lost loved ones and there is a coincidence in that in their dreams their beloved ones looked younger. My personal theory is that the soul matches the image of the time of life when we were the happiest or felt very complete. Or maybe looking young is a reflection of them being in peace. These are my thoughts about.... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 Could be, scba. I do know that was the time the relationship started and all thoughts were about that. Nothing mattered more than getting to see them. They burst into lives and took over all logic and sense because we were falling in love and that is so potent! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 Yeah, I felt that way about him until the end....that potent love thing. What's strange is that it wasn't until after he died and I saw a video someone had shot of him that I saw the real deterioration. I mean I saw him go down, but I was more focused on his spirit, his twinkly blue eyes so that the other stuff was in the background somewhat. That was a hard day when I saw the video. I made them erase it. I don't want to ever see him like that again, prefer to remember the beautiful man I was married to for most of those years..... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 Cookie, you know I keep thinking about a time me and my sister went to the grocery story. This was a store that was pretty inconvenient if you were on foot as you had to walk across a huge parking lot and then half a block to the bus on top of carrying groceries. When she got sick she didn't have the energy or heart capacity anymore and got tired faster. I remember walking ahead of her pushing my cart across the parking lot and I turned around she was struggling so hard and looked so exhausted pushing her cart. She was walking so slowly. Just one more thing to make me so angry that NOW I have a car. I think remembering that makes me so sad. It was also the weekend she went downhill and died and I think she just pushed herself more than she should have. I blamed myself for a while because I took so long to buy a car. I never wanted to see her like that again either. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 Janice - That is one of the hardest things for me to get past. Watching, so helplessly, as my wife turned from such a dynamo into such a fragile, feeble, shadow of herself; seeing all of her piss and vinegar evaporate. I have a picture of her with our granddaughter blowing on dandelion puffs. It was the last time she really had the energy to go outside and play. It has the Winnie the Pooh quote on it. It is so comforting because it captures her love, but then it also is upsetting since it was post chemo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 5 hours ago, Cookie said: Yeah, I felt that way about him until the end....that potent love thing. What's strange is that it wasn't until after he died and I saw a video someone had shot of him that I saw the real deterioration. I mean I saw him go down, but I was more focused on his spirit, his twinkly blue eyes so that the other stuff was in the background somewhat. That was a hard day when I saw the video. I made them erase it. I don't want to ever see him like that again, prefer to remember the beautiful man I was married to for most of those years..... That was THE first thing I did when I broke the shock a bit. I was unstoppable finding every picture and video from when he was in his last year. I got rid of them all, forever. I always saw the deterioration, but was so wrapped up in the caregivers job and monitoring his treatment (some of which I cancelled because he suffered too much trying to buy time), it became a selective blindness. That lifted and I could not stand to see what had become of him. He hated it too so I know I did the right thing. Slowly those images are fading in my mind. When they come I look at a picture of the him he was before this all started. Of course that brings on other pain. I may be lost and adrift now, but I do have one goal......defeating the images a demon brought into our life, brought down a good man and took my husband from me. It's time of power is over. I have to banish it from hanging around. It did enough and more. I've never felt so much hatred in my life. But it is deserving of it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted March 16, 2016 Report Share Posted March 16, 2016 It is interesting that our loved ones appear to us in dreams in their "prime". Perhaps it is our subconscious protecting us from reality. Although I rarely dream of Ron or Debbie, both are sort of in a fog when I do. They do appear much younger and healthier. Being with him constantly, the deterioration was not as profoundly apparent until close to the end. I look back now at his last photo taken 3 months before he left and see just how much he had changed. The change in my daughter was very apparent as I had not seen her for 4 years. I remember thinking how much she looked like my mother at age 96. My Debbie was only 50. Cancer is such a ravaging disease as many of us have experienced. I try to keep those memories at bay and remember them before the bad times. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 4 hours ago, KarenK said: I try to keep those memories at bay and remember them before the bad times. It's the only way I have found to stay semi sane thru this, Karen. What the diseases did to our loved ones is insidious. I can't let that be the way I remember them. It's just too cruel. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 Gwen, you got rid of the last year's pictures, etc. because you didn't want to see the deterioration...when George died, I got rid of everything connected with his job because I felt it was very much responsible for his hastened death (heart attack). They pushed him and pushed him and pushed him! I didn't want to see his work clothes, the coffee mug they gave him, or anything to do with them! In my way I was getting rid of HIS "deterioration". 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 I can totally understand you doing that, Kay. Anything that bears responsibility in our loss has to be banished. Yet, here we are, left without them. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 I truly understand getting rid of those pictures and bad memories but the other day I came across a picture I took of Kathy being loaded in the airplane when we came back to Phoenix where she would die five days later. She still had a little smile on her face and hard as it is to be reminded of that time, I crave every photo I have of her. It's those memories of the end that occasionally just pop into my head most uninvited. How I wish I could tear those up. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 Yes those memories are so very painful but what an honor it was to be able to be there for my love at a time she needed me most. For those last seventeen months I felt like I was able to give Deedo all of the love and care that she had given me for the previous thirty-six years. If she had to die, and so sadly she did, I am glad that we were together for that journey as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 11 hours ago, kayc said: Gwen, you got rid of the last year's pictures, etc. because you didn't want to see the deterioration...when George died, I got rid of everything connected with his job because I felt it was very much responsible for his hastened death (heart attack). They pushed him and pushed him and pushed him! I didn't want to see his work clothes, the coffee mug they gave him, or anything to do with them! In my way I was getting rid of HIS "deterioration". Kay, how were they when he died? Did co-workers say anything to you or did they seem very sorry for your loss? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 Brad: I wish I had your positivity. You seem to look at things in such a good way, and I am filled with so much pain and resentment at times. I am also glad that I was there for John, but at the same time hurt and resentful about what happened to him. You seem like a very nice person.....Cookie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 Cookie- I had thirty-seven years of living with the most positive person I have ever known. She greeted each morning with enthusiasm and excitement. When I would get angry with people she was quick to point out that I had no idea what was going on in their lives. Now I'm starting to understand. I think a certain amount has rubbed off but I still have a long way to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 23 minutes ago, Brad said: Cookie- I had thirty-seven years of living with the most positive person I have ever known. She greeted each morning with enthusiasm and excitement. When I would get angry with people she was quick to point out that I had no idea what was going on in their lives. Now I'm starting to understand. I think a certain amount has rubbed off but I still have a long way to go. I was like that! Well, I didn't great each day with enthusiasm and excitement, but I'd try to be positive about people and life and situations. I'd tell people when they got down on life to think of positive things in their life: they had all their limbs, they didnt' have serious health problems, they had a place to sleep, etc. Now I"m like "eh, whatever" it makes me feel like what did I get for trying to be a nice and positive person? what did my sister get? I am definitely resentful. I will never be one of those people who want to help others after they suffer a tragedy. Somehow I found these videos on Youtube where someone put together a series of compilations of missing and/or murdered children, what happened to them, if their murderer was caught. And a few of the parents started organizations in their children's honor, like a non-profit or something that helps search for missing kids or promote child safety. I was thinking if my child had been kidnapped and murdered I don't think I"d have the energy or mindset to create an organization in their name to stop it from happening to someone elses child. I'd curl up in the corner and die. I would never want it to happen to anyone else, but I think I'd be bitter knowing my child had to be the one that didn't get saved. I really hate that those feelings come out, but I admire those who can do that without bitterness and resentment. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 17, 2016 Report Share Posted March 17, 2016 7 hours ago, hollowheart said: Kay, how were they when he died? Did co-workers say anything to you or did they seem very sorry for your loss? hollowheart, The coworkers were great but the company sucked. The company gave all his tools & equipment to his "friend" who kept them. My son drove 150 mile round trip to pick up his belongings for nothing. I had over $2,000 in receipts for tools George had bought and kept at work (they made him provide everything on their "list") and they gave it away!! The company didn't send flowers or a card or send a rep. to his funeral, I've never seen a company so callous! Another guy died and they "wrote him up" without checking on him for nearly a week! His coworkers, however, showed up at his funeral. I was disappointed that his supervisor didn't come because George had given him a ride to work every day for months, at his own expense and time, out of his way. For that he couldn't pay his respects?! My response, however, is the opposite of yours. Having gone through this loss and knowing what it feels like, I don't want anyone else to suffer my experience, and I'd help anyone going through such loss! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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