WolfsKat Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 May sound silly......but....kinda just hit me. Early on.....I literally prayed to die too. Now I've realized........I don't want to die quite yet....I just want the "wanting to" to go away......to feel better enough NOT to wish to. ......if that makes sense? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 Makes complete sense to me as I feel that way too!! Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 Yeah, I understand what you mean. I remember walking across the street early on almost getting hit and not even blinking. I knew then how much this had changed me. But I don't want to cause that much grief to my parents. I think that is the only thing that starts to stop that thinking. I want that feeling too. I want to feel some kind of life purpose again. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 Quite common. I too went from wanting to die to wishing to die to okay if I go. It seems to be a natural progression. Today I'm good to go but wish to experience all in life that I can. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 21 minutes ago, hollowheart said: I want that feeling too. I want to feel some kind of life purpose again. That is the thought that stirs that wanting to give up in me. The times I wanted to die. I don't recall consciously thinking I had a purpose, I was just living life as I always had. Without sharing that now, purpose has become this 'thing' I am supposed to be searching for. I never had to before, ever. Even before meeting him in my younger days. It seems when you find that connection with someone it is just there. Whether it was caring for them when ill or out shopping for the foods you ate together. So it's kind wierd now to be thinking....what is my purpose? Never had to define it before. Now it is a tough question that never crossed my mind. I also think it is society that adds to that pressure. I never gave a darn, and still don't, about what I did. This is like the grief demon poking at me to make worse. I really hate that guy! Won't leave me alone to work on issues I choose. It says....here, have another one. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 Same for me. I wanted to die, and yet, why do I go to the doctor? Today was a particularly lousy day. I went to the foot doctor, who is very nice. First I am met by the receptionist who tells me what a beautiful day it is. Doesn't she realize that there are no more "beautiful days" without Al. What do I care that the weather is beautiful and sunny. It is not sunny in my heart. Then the doctor starts saying the same things. He can hardly wait to get to the ballpark. I don't care about the weather or the ballpark. Spring just means more outside work, which used to be fun, and now is not. All day I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach like I used to have right after AL died. Really wonder if things will improve. I had to deal with the plumber a few times this week. Al used to take care of that stuff. And a oil leak in the car. Gwen...chase that grief demon away for me, too. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 43 minutes ago, Gwenivere said: So it's kind wierd now to be thinking....what is my purpose? Never had to define it before. Now it is a tough question that never crossed my mind. Gwen, I'm reminded of something I once heard David Viscott say (he was a brilliant psychiatrist I used to listen to on talk radio as I commuted to work in the 1980s). It's one of those quotes that stuck with me because I think there is so much truth in it, and it makes perfect sense to me: “The purpose of life is to discover your gift. The meaning of life is to give your gift away.” 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Im still at the first one. Thinking of the ways to do it. But I know I'd ruin my daughter's life, she's heading into her last year of college 5,000 miles away and needs me. Maybe by the time she graduates (can't bear to think of that of going without him) I will be at another stage of that, like you. I cant imagine but one long miserable year to find out. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Well, Gin, that is one of those incongruities! My mom was always talking about "wanting to go be with the Lord!" One day I told her, "Well, for someone who wants to go be with the Lord so bad, you sure do take good care of yourself!" She looked at me kind of funny. But she took up jogging in her 70s, ate healthy every day, worked hard around her place, was very predictable and methodical in her habits...and lived into her 90s. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 Deedo ran every day, closely watched her diet, maintained her weight, did everything right, plenty of antioxidants, was the picture of health and then was diagnosed with lung cancer (nonsmall cell) the kind nonsmokers get. Grandma lived to be 98. Go figure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 18 hours ago, Gin said: Same for me. I wanted to die, and yet, why do I go to the doctor? Today was a particularly lousy day. I went to the foot doctor, who is very nice. First I am met by the receptionist who tells me what a beautiful day it is. Doesn't she realize that there are no more "beautiful days" without Al. What do I care that the weather is beautiful and sunny. It is not sunny in my heart. Then the doctor starts saying the same things. He can hardly wait to get to the ballpark. I don't care about the weather or the ballpark. Spring just means more outside work, which used to be fun, and now is not. All day I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach like I used to have right after AL died. Really wonder if things will improve. I had to deal with the plumber a few times this week. Al used to take care of that stuff. And a oil leak in the car. Gwen...chase that grief demon away for me, too. Gin, this is how I think sometimes too. And I may project that anger and annoyance out to people. I'm not always that way, but yes normal things are usually met with a lot more negativity than in the past. Before, on a beautiful day I might hit my sis up for going to Chinatown for Dim Sum. Now, nope! So maybe that's what I mean by "life purpose" knowing that things like that don't exist anymore in my life sorta makes me feel like I have no life anymore. Sure, I can go on my own. But...the point is I didn't before. And that's a very big point. Paying attention to the weather for BBQ's and fun outings is fruitless now. I see signs around the city for festivals and such, no one to text to say "Wanna go?" constant reminder how my life has not changed for the better. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 21 hours ago, Gin said: What do I care that the weather is beautiful and sunny. It is not sunny in my heart. That's always a tough one, Gin. We're finally getting some really nice days here and they don't do much for like they used to. Mostly I'm just glad I don't have to towel off the dogs. Last year I was still in shock and enjoyed the sunshine. This year is so much different. It may have come from going thru the winter and holidays with the realization this is permanent and forever changed, the big scare with a mini stroke and realizing I was alone and/or I'm just tired of everyday never seeing him. Probably all of it. Whoever said we are not given more than we can handle never got more than they could handle. The worst is so wanting to enjoy things around me but I can't. It's not a won't, it's definitely can't. I've tried and it only emphasizes how hard this is. Since when do we have to try and enjoy something so simple as sunshine or other little things that used to bring us joy? It really sucks. I feel happy for those that are seeing some 'light'. It hasn't been a year and a half yet, so I cut myself some slack. Just odd that I find better last year. But then......I was still under the protection of shock and finding I could manage our home alone,. Now I know I just plain old don't want to. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said: ...I'm just tired of everyday never seeing him. Yep! I am literally tired of that. I feel like I could sleep all the time. I feel my sadness has robbed me of any energy. I know I really get frustrated with not having her here, especially with my car now. The sole reason I wanted to buy it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 30, 2016 Report Share Posted March 30, 2016 I use to love going outside and just sitting on the porch on a nice day and watching the birds and stuff, we use to that together. There has been a couple of nice days lately, so I went on the porch, thinking I could do with time outside, and after about 2 minutes came right back inside. Couldn't handle being out there without him. There are so many things that need to be done around here both inside and out and like you said Gwen, I just don't want to. Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Joyce, I filled the bird feeders for the second time this year......went nine months empty. Even dug out the bird books to try and name a few.This was a great source of entertainment for both Angela and myself. The birds sure came back in a hurry and the good memories. Granted it will never be the same , but it keeps memories a little fresher......always the best 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 I moved our birdfeeder to right outside the dining window. Now I see it everyday eating lunch. There is so little that I find any pleasure in, so I consider it a good sign I tend to it now keeping it filled. Baby steps. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillT Posted March 31, 2016 Report Share Posted March 31, 2016 Gwen, Joy to you that you make baby step(s). Seem that that is the best we can hope for. I will watch the birds outside my window and think of you on your journey. Bill 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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