Hard to believe it is 6 months

[Gin]

It is so hard to believe that it has been 1/2 year since I lost my husband, best friend, lover.  I can show nothing that I have done or accomplished in that time.  Just lots and lots of tears.  The days are so long and yet the time just passes.  Weekends are the worst.  Even when I see a friend, everything is just so empty and meaningless.  I have to really work hard to put some purpose and meaning in my life.  Even just a little.  

Gin

[Margm]

Yes you can Gin.  You have survived when I know so well you would have loved to go with him.  I understand 100%.  You have survived.  That is a monumental accomplishment. 

[scba]

I agree with Marg. Gin, you have survived. There is nothing else to accomplish in such a short time. we hold your hand.

[Gin]

Thanks Marg and Ana.  It is a rough road for all of us.

[Polly]

I can so relate Gin. This Tuesday will be 5 months for me. I feel the same way. Having a really hard time at the moment.

[WolfsKat]

It will be 6 months for me, also, on the 21st.  Still a nightmare most days......that I wish I could awake from.  On the outside, we may look, and even manage to act, "normal" again.......but, in truth, we are broken/bleeding......every day is a struggle.  All we can DO is to slog on, and pray for some peace in our torment.

[Gwenivere]

All these replies to Gin ring so true.  We do gets things done, it's that they don't matter right now.  Hopefully they will again. I looked back at the list I accomplished last year and it is very impressive.  Does it make me feel any better?  Nope, not one bit.  I live in meaninglessness.  Never have been here before and there are no guidelines.  I can't think of any time in my life there wasn't some kind of specific answers.  We are all here and can give each other validation.  Can you imagine going thru this not being able to talk to someone who understands?  That is the hardest part, when we have to deal with the world day to day.  Then we come home alone.  So many tell me they understand, but they don't.  They don't know about the dark in our brightly lit homes, the cold while the heater runs, the silence no matter how loud we turn up the sound.  Many times I lay down and just wish for some mercy from the universe.

[Margm]

Revision:: I came off harsh this morning around 3:00 am.  Appointment with doctor at 8:15.  I cannot sleep restful if I know I have to be up.  You see. I was supposed to go first.  I am like a second hand patched tire. My insides won't hold a stitch.  I have a lot to do before that old patch explodes. If I don't, I am leaving my kids with a mess to clean up.  Losing our mates took away our will to live.  It is hard on all of us, but if we can say we have made it six months or more, if we can still stand up, walk and make decisions, I think we will all be okay.  Maybe not happy, yet some might find a measure of happiness.

If you can still go to a job, if you can get six hours of sleep, you are accomplishing something.  I carry guilt, anger, anxiety, FEAR, big time fear.  We all do.  I hate change.  We accomplished a lot during all those years and I don't have my biggest cheerleader to tell me what to do.  And I have a terrible situation to handle with my mom and sister.  The anxiety alone should certify me for a padded room. Moving to an apartment, just plain moving on without Billy is unheard of. Still, I know I cannot handle a large home by myself.  But, some of you are doing just that. 

I think we are doing good with all the things we have to do.  We hurt, yet here we are. We don't think we are doing good because the pain is so raw.  We have triggers throughout the day, yet we make it through to another day.  Sometimes our biggest question is "why?"  I am old, yet I have to act like I am not.  I just keep thinking..........and miles to go before I sleep. 

After I get out of the doctor's office I have to pack and move to that other house 175 miles away, filled with Billy memories, hobbies, clothes, and make cosmetic repairs.  Things Billy should be with me to do. But yet here I am.

 

[mittam99]

10 hours ago, Gin said:

  I can show nothing that I have done or accomplished in that time. 

Gin, you've done the biggest accomplishment of them all. You're here. I know there are times you feel like you'd rather not be here but you are only 6 months in. Don't be so hard on yourself.

This new world is hard. We're living in a world without the intimacy, the laughter, the love, the sharing etc. that once filled our days. No one is going to accomplish very much after just six short months.

I'm nearly a year and a month into my journey. It's baby steps, but I do feel like the fog is less dense than it was 6 months ago. I feel like I'm accomplishing a bit more.

It takes a lot of time to adapt to this new way of life.  Keep posting at the forum and members here will try to make your journey a little easier.

Mitch

[kayc]

I read in the paper where a couple died in an accident, and my first thought was how lucky there were to get to go together.  It was premature, they were only 65, but still...I wish that could have been how we went, together.

[brat#2]

It is so true that our biggest accomplishment so far is still being here, making it through another day.  I'm almost 9 months into this journey and I'm like you Gin, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything.  But yet I have, I manage to do the day to day things that are needed to be done and to make it through one more day.  That day may be filled with tears, but I got through it and will try again tomorrow.

It's like Gwen said, it means so much to be able to come here and say what is on our minds and know that others truly understand.  We can all get through this together.

Joyce

[WolfsKat]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I read in the paper where a couple died in an accident, and my first thought was how lucky there were to get to go together.  It was premature, they were only 65, but still...I wish that could have been how we went, together.

Kay, that would've been MY first thought, as well......Connor insisted that this was what we'd do....go together, as it would be too hard for the one left back to go on.  But.......here I am, alone.  If it had to be this way.....I guess it's better for me to be the one left behind, as I could not want this torment for Connor......and, truth to tell, I am the stronger, emotionally, of us.

[brat#2]

I so agree Kay and Wolfskat - I would much rather that we had gone together, but if Dale was the one left to go through this, I'm not sure he would have made it this long.  I'm not saying that it hasn't been very difficult for me and will continue to be, but I'm glad it's me being tortured and not him.  I wouldn't wish that on him (truth be told I don't wish it on anyone), but since we have to be here, we need to get through it together.

Joyce

 

[Gin]

I always wished we would go together, also.  This was not our first  marriage and we were so happy that we found each other. I was 61 and Al was 65 when we married.  This was a marriage that we dreamed of but never had before.  We were so fortunate that we had 15 wonderful years, but like everyone here, we hoped for and  wanted more.  I guess it was a blessing that he went first.  Al had so many health issues  and was also blind for the last year.  Blessing for him but a curse for me.

gin

[Guest]

I am always envious when I hear about couples going together or in short order like Doug Flutie's parents.  That's what I refer to as a Notebook moment.  Sadly it is so rare.  

I was over at a friends and she brought up a mutual friend who died last week after a very lengthy illness.  I mentioned how hard it has to be on her husband.  My friend replied that the husband had commented on how his wife was no longer in pain.  I tried to explain that while I am thrilled that Deedo is no longer suffering, it does little to mitigate the daily pain I am in missing her.  I don't think my friend gets it.  One can be happy that one's life-love is not suffering.  One can be happy that it is us and not them who is going through this misery.  But that happiness does little to alleviate the pain.  That gratitude does little to dry the seemingly endless tears.  The comfort that is provided does not ease the loss.

[brat#2]

I know what you are saying Brad.  People tell me that "he's no longer in pain" or I should be glad that he didn't suffer long (4 1/2 months from diagnosis to his passing) and YES, I'm am happy about those.  I didn't want him in any more pain and to suffer a long time, but my suffering of losing him will last forever.  It's hard to explain that to someone who hasn't been there and that is what is so nice about posting here.  Unfortunately you all get it.

Joyce

 

[Gin]

My good friend has been so good to me through all this.  However, she still does not get it.  Yesterday she gave me a blow by blow description of all the great things that she and her significant other did all day...go to church, go out for breakfast,  toured her old neighborhood, shopped, went out to lunch, drove along the lake shore, etc.. Any one of those things I would love to do with Al but.......  No matter how much they feel for us, it is not THEIR journey.  It is OURS, even though we do not want it.

gin

[scba]

I too agree. Of course I'm "glad" he is not suffering anymore (but why he had to suffer a horrible illness in the first place?). Of course I could not want him to be in my place now. How could I want him to go through this heartbreking situation while fighting a disease? I find hard to put grief in a corner by saying these statements to myself. It is "yes, but.....". The truth is "take out the essential person and a whole life collapse".

 

[kayc]

I also am glad George wasn't the one left behind.  As hard as it's been for me, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially him!  And of course if we'd gone together it would have been really hard on the kids.  One of the last things he made me promise to get a stress test, so I guess he wanted me to live, probably for the kids' sakes.

[Gwenivere]

Since we have no kids except our furry ones, going together would have been ideal.  Sure would have beat the heck out of watching one us suffer.  We both knew it would be the kids that would be the thing left to keep the one left behind going.  My fantasy would be one a drive and the last thing we heard or saw was each other laughing or in one if our philosophical discussions.  Ya know, anyone outside this group would think we are such morbid people!  

[Margm]

I wanted to go together.  He said "No, the one left must stay."  I had had two close calls.  The last time, I think he actually thought about one of us "leaving."  I still lived in "happily ever after land."  That land did not exist. 

[kayc]

I don't think it's morbid at all to not only want to escape the pain we've been through, but also still be together.  Makes sense to me!

[Cookie]

I wanted to go with my husband.  I even asked him, and he said, "no, this is my journey."  I know how it feels.  I wasn't suicidal, just couldn't imagine living in a world without him in it; still can't.....

[Cookie]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Since we have no kids except our furry ones, going together would have been ideal.  Sure would have beat the heck out of watching one us suffer.  We both knew it would be the kids that would be the thing left to keep the one left behind going.  My fantasy would be one a drive and the last thing we heard or saw was each other laughing or in one if our philosophical discussions.  Ya know, anyone outside this group would think we are such morbid people!  

Having children isn't necessarily a force keeping you in the world.  I have two, and although I love them dearly, they have their own lives and mine was so tied to his.  It just seems punishing to be left behind and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I know I really sound morbid....having lots of depression lately....9 1/2 months and counting.

[WolfsKat]

59 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Having children isn't necessarily a force keeping you in the world.  I have two, and although I love them dearly, they have their own lives and mine was so tied to his.  It just seems punishing to be left behind and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I know I really sound morbid....having lots of depression lately....9 1/2 months and counting.

I do understand what you mean.  The depression is like a huge, cold, dark void that I'm constantly trying not to slip into!  I'm not sure if it's possible to ever come to terms with it, totally......the best I hope for is some measure of peace, enough to enable me to carve out some kind of life that is not overwhelmingly filled with grief.  My kids ARE my anchor to life.  Although all are grown and have lives......I've been amazed at how much they still need me....in a good way.  For instance, my youngest will be planning a wedding soon.....and shortly thereafter hopes to begin a family.  She says she cannot imagine either w/out me present to celebrate......and will need her Mum for moral support, no other would do!  They still call Mum to ask for advice and encouragement......so, for them, I want to wish to live on.