If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

27 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I left one doctor because he would not work as a team, it was his way only.  That is not a good working relationship.  I’ve dealt with nurses and technicians and make sure to tell at least the doctor.

it can be hard to do, I understand that.  We don’t want to make trouble but when the rubber hits the road, we are all still peers.  Some just have different knowledge we need.  Like mechanics and plumbers.   

And that is how we have to do it.  If things do not go right, walk away from them.  I think they work for us and our insurance.  

[kayc]

14 hours ago, MartyT said:

Cookie, my dear, I hope you let your surgeon know about his office staff being so rude and uncaring toward you. These docs are so unaware of what happens with these gate keepers with whom they surround themselves, unless we (their paying patients) take the time to let them know. Even if it's in the form of a letter, I encourage you to share your experience with your surgeon. Let him know so he has an opportunity to do something about it. Maybe he needs to know how his staff is treating his paying patients. This is SO unacceptable, and I hear this all the time . . .

I have been through it at my doctor's office and she recently merged with another clinic and the staff has changed.  Everything is different now, some things better, some things worse.  Honestly, I don't think doctors have any idea how bad their staff can be, how we're treated, what we go through, but sometimes if we tell them they side with their staff and it's us that get cut loose, not the staff.  It's a hard place to be in, especially if you want to keep your doctor.  I've had to swallow a lot of "stuff" but if something was really big, I'd tell the doctor.    It can compromise our care!

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Cookie said:

I had to call the office to make another appointment to see them and the nurse and office staff were so rude.  I had to insist I see the surgeon.  So, you can imagine when I went in I felt like a criminal or something.  They don't seem to care about what I'm going through.  The doctor was nice when I got to see him, but getting through the nurse especially was horrible. 

Cookie,

I've been through similar experiences. 
I've had "assistants" argue with me about what I was calling in about when all I wanted to do was leave a message for my doctor and they refused to do it.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to make an appointment and another 2 1/2 hours to make the trip in to the doctor just to tell her what they refused to take a message for over the phone.  It's beyond ridiculous, it hurts their practice and it hurts patients' care.

Stand your ground girl, we've got your back!

[Cookie]

On ‎02‎/‎15‎/‎2018 at 8:52 AM, kayc said:

Cookie,

I've been through similar experiences. 
I've had "assistants" argue with me about what I was calling in about when all I wanted to do was leave a message for my doctor and they refused to do it.  It took me 2 1/2 hours to make an appointment and another 2 1/2 hours to make the trip in to the doctor just to tell her what they refused to take a message for over the phone.  It's beyond ridiculous, it hurts their practice and it hurts patients' care.

Stand your ground girl, we've got your back!

Thanks Kayc:  I just wonder what people like that are doing in a helping profession? 

[kayc]

Everything has changed, these are different times.  In my day, when I worked for doctors, they'd have had our hide if we'd taken too long answering the phone, yet we have to go through 2 1/2 hours of trying to get a real person just so we can make an appointment?  It's nuts!  And when you complain to them about it, they just sound like "What's YOUR problem??"

[Margm]

I think sometimes I have reached Rose Kennedy's "scar tissue" phase of this grief wound.  No stitches, the "skin" has not grown together, the wound is still as open as ever, but even though I sink into tears at odd moments, even though I feel total despair at moments, fear a whole lot of time, I can now feel the continuity of his being with me.  I cannot see him, cannot physically feel him, but at odd moments I will hear a noise in the apartment and my mind immediately leaps to "its Billy" and then immediately understands it cannot be.  Not really a let down.  Just knowing it is an impossibility.  But, the feeling happens enough now that I almost feel he is somewhere around me, I just cannot see or physically feel him.  Is this acceptance?  I don't know. 

Maybe worrying about my family, being stretched so thin by them that I cannot see daylight, knowing this is my life now and feeling I "have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep" and when that stops, maybe I will just let go.  Not on purpose, just floating the rest of life.  I have a few things to do to prepare, but someone always needs something and I get pulled so tight I think I will snap right then.  

So many people depend on me, but we depended on Billy too.  Life goes on, even if we don't.  One of my friends lost her 57-year-old son, her sister, and her little dog that had been her companion since her husband passed.  Our little forum family has losses that make our own loss, an individual loss.  A loss is a loss.

Mama used to have me say my prayers each night.  The same one.  I was afraid to go to sleep.  "If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."  I don't remember when we stopped that childhood prayer, but I think I slept better when we did.  

[Gin]

Marg,. We changed that prayer when my kids were little....thy love guard me thru the night.  And wake me with the morning light.  I did not like the dying thing either.

[Gwenivere]

I remember saying that prayer but not understanding it.  It was memorized.  When I did realize what it meant it freaked me out andthat was the end of that.

[Margm]

I don't think any of us understood it Gwen.  It was just our parents trying to train us up in the way they wanted us to go.  I resented my dad for insisting that we even attend brotherhood services sometimes, cook for them, serve them, run off the church bulletin, clean the church on Saturdays.  Daddy was one of three deacons.  On one Sunday in the month we traveled to one of the other Missionary Baptist Churches in the area, that meant three services on Sunday.  Monday was girls auxiliary, Tuesday I think was free, Wednesday was prayer meeting.  But, they trained me up in the way I should go and  even though it is a mustard seed faith most of the time, it is still faith.  I don't want to run from it.  But, even though it provides some comfort, it is not as close as I need and I am lacking somewhere.  

I need that comfort. 

[kayc]

Wow three services on Sundays, can't even imagine that.  It's a wonder you had time for "family time", all that going to church!  We went Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, pretty much any time the doors were open.  I was church secretary, Head of the Stewards (kind of like Deaconesses only a little more) and my husband Chairman of the board of Trustees (like elders and deacons wrapped into one), this was the Nazarene Church where I raised my kids.  I taught Sunday School, Junior Bible Quizzing, Kids in Talent Training, Caravans (scouting), set up the nursery and policies, worked with the youth, did prison ministries, put on Vacation Bible School, in charge of Missions, in the choir, I did it all.  My husband helped build the church, took care of it.  We were on the church board, passed policies, ran the church.  My kids grew up picking out clip art and folding bulletins.  After 23 years my marriage ended.  When my son had his kids he said he didn't want the church to be so all-consuming to their lives, wanted family to be more important.  I never knew he felt like that.  All those things I did were with and FOR my family!  I'd hoped they felt a part of an extended family!  I know Paul Sr. and I didn't put the time and effort in to us as a couple as we should have, how could we have the time when we were so busy with everything else?  But I sure didn't know the kids felt gypped when my every living breath was for them!  Sometimes you feel like no matter how hard you try it's all for naught.
I guess in all the going to/from church they felt shuffled.  I bet your dad would be surprised how it's affected you too Marg.  Ahh, we do our best, we didn't have a how-to manual.  When I grew up I attended church alone, my parents never went.  They didn't even go when I was singing a solo in front of 500 people.  I guess the pendulum swings too far.

[Margm]

Kay, I felt a lot like your son.  My dad was too strict and I remember how it started.  Citizens of the area all his life, his family's life, my life, he used to take me to First Baptist, drop me off and come get me.  I will forever remember, Mrs. Braley, my  Sunday School teacher who came out to the car and said "Elvie, you bring your child to church and you drop her off.  Your the one who needs in church with her."  I can imagine my dad driving real fast to get the few blocks to  home.  Telling my mom in such an angry voice what Mrs. Braley, an old family friend, had said to him.  But, the next Sunday he and Mama were in church with me.  And from then on it became an obsession.  My sister used to argue with him when she would come home from college.  I was out of the home, married.  I had escaped everything, out of the pan into the fire.  Daddy and my sister argued religion.  She was a good debater.  I learned all this since Billy left.  Daddy got so angry, he got so confused with the arguments that he quit being a deacon.  I really hate that.  She would argue, it would get so heated he would go to the door to her room.  She would close and lock it and he would go outside her window.  And then he passed away.  I did not know all of this.  His ground had been shaken and his belief had been shaken.  Lifelong belief.  I feel bad about that.  He was a Christian through and through...............but, you don't argue religion or politics.  Something I learned early in my life.  Mine and Billy's. 

[kayc]

Some things are meant to be lived, not argued.  We don't get anywhere with arguments anyway, no matter how armed we are with information, no matter how good a debater we can be.  It's not up to us to control other people's thinking or way of life.
But having that mustard seed faith grow inside of you, now that's something to hang onto.  It's there to aid you when you need it most.  

[Margm]

Of course Kay, you have to have two people or more to debate, or you can to a tree, I guess, but the tree does not talk back.  I don't know why they argued religion, but it had to be both of them.  

Rather makes me wonder.  Where was my mom.  She was always the winner of all arguments.  Daddy told her once women were not to be deacons and she very strongly disputed this.  Like in a lot of churches we had women that were leaders, their husbands stayed home.  Mama found the scripture.  Daddy backed down.  You don't dispute the Bible to my mom..

[kayc]

That's one thing about the Nazarene Church that was different from the Baptist, women were leaders, they were on the Church Board, but in the Baptist Church it's only men who are elders making the decisions.  Women are in the kitchen.  That bothered George.  Bless him, he always understood me.

[Margm]

I remember once a fellow from another church informed my daughter that if she went to church with him, women were to be silent. (She ended that relationship right then.)  I remember pictures of old church services where the women were all on one side, the men on the other.  I'm glad women finally found their voice.  Strange customs most all of us come from if you are involved in any church.  

[Gin]

I had a very bad today and I can not explain it.  It was not a birthday, anniversary or any other special day.  Just missed Al so, so much today.  Feel lonely and alone.  More than usual.  

[Gwenivere]

Gin, if there were some explanation, I would love to hear it.  I get slammed at the oddest times and especially late in the evening after a long day without his contact.  Seems I go to bed crying every.night now.  Thought that had passed, but it’s back.  I’m aware of obvious triggers, but those that materialize out of thin air are insidious.  No preparation for those.  You are NOT alone in that.  I was sobbing in my counselors office, that made sense.  Talking to a neighbor I teared up and just had to say......sorry, emotional day.

[Margm]

Gin, it does not have to be a special day, some days are just like that.  Dark and gloomy, rainy weather brings on my chronic depression, and it is raining for days.  

[TomPB]

Agree there are attacks where I can see the connection, even if it’s a stretch, and those that are totally random. My mini vacay has been as good as could be hoped but getting ready to return today I’ve been slammed by thoughts of all the travel routines we had developed, her planning & packing, had me looking at a beautiful ocean & crying. 

[kayc]

What people don't get is these attacks can come out of nowhere even years later, we don't reach a point where we ever stop missing them and when we are our most vulnerable, and all kinds of things can affect that (physical issues, weather, financial straits, holidays, other loss, discord, darn near anything) and then we're subject to such attacks.  And sometimes we don't even know why it's hitting right then.

[iPraiseHim]

27 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Agree there are attacks where I can see the connection, even if it’s a stretch, and those that are totally random. My mini vacay has been as good as could be hoped but getting ready to return today I’ve been slammed by thoughts of all the travel routines we had developed, her planning & packing, had me looking at a beautiful ocean & crying. 

TomPB,

It is actually good of you to recognize these grief moments as they remind you of your time with your beloved wife, Susan.  It took me quite awhile to travel through this process the you describe. (I still have not arrived)  The transition from US and WE, to just me and who I am now.  It is a slow process and it is important to recognize it for what it is. 

You love and miss your wife everywhere in your life.  Most men just ignore, stuff down, drink, or do anything to ignore these feelings.  I have come to discover that it is both a Grief and Healing journey.  People told me this when I was early in my grief but i couldn't fathom the concept.  I was just trying to make it through each moment after my wife died.  I am glad you found a safe haven like I have to travel this journey with kindred spirits. We are here to help, share, and lift each other up when the unthinkable happens and we all learn to deal with the grief and loss of our beloved.  - Shalom

[TomPB]

George, thanks for those nice thoughts. I didn’t make a conscious choice to feel Susan’s presence & loss everywhere. I don’t know how to do anything else, we were so perfectly joined. I agree about the journey. The subtitle of my grief counselor’s book is “the journey to acceptance and beyond” and we talk abt me having an identity as Tom instead of as half of T&S. I just don’t know if it’s possible.  Susan was too sweet and loving. 

[Margm]

These days, after viewing so much loss, my word salads cannot even fill a two oz cup.  What can you say?  So much loss.  One of our own could not take it anymore.  And, we are all left wondering that if it had been us, could we have taken it either.  No words.  The dam has broke. 

[Margm]

Well, since this is the only kind of salad I have had since March of 2014, I will start another word one.  After school Bri likes to go the "long way" home so she can listen to her music out loud, otherwise she uses ear bud/phones.  Sometimes we play it on the TV, especially if I am tempted to watch the news some mornings.  

We started out down the road that I used to ride the parish school bus to NW Tech school (trade school).  It was close to where I live now, but they built a modern one over off the interstate.  That is where Bri goes to school.  The road was a rough, secondary road that gets washed over lots of time.  The bayou, where my granddaddy's folks come from is up this road.  And then, we passed this house that I remember as a 17-year-old, it was my ideal home.  I saw it each day being built.  I think it was a Jim Walters home, (my desires have always been simple). Now, Billy was not in the picture yet.  And there it was.  My dream home.  To be fair, that house is well over half a century old and people have not been kind to it.  And, I am over three-quarters century old, and these last few years have not been kind.  And riding around in our home country I always come up with "what if's" but know there cannot be any "what if's" because if we said "what if," then we "did it."  And so many of those "what if's" were not us.  Can you imagine all of the "did it's" that you can do in 54 years.  We might not have got to do the things we wanted for as long as we wanted, but damn if we didn't try.  So, there are no "what if's" for me.  I didn't cry.

Tonight, going out to the laundromat that ole moon is almost full.  I talk to Billy in the moon.  I told him, "well, we are entering into our third year of breaking up."

I also believe in C.S. Lewis' quote: "But some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again."  I'm looking forward to that.  

[Gwenivere]

I don’t have any 'what if’s' either, Marg.  We did everything we wanted to do. My mind is full of all the things we did.  We had no big plans in our future because age was catching up to us and our contentment was being at home now.  It’s that contentment I lost when I lost him.  I’ve tried to reformat the definition with other things that don’t cut it.  Nothing even close.