If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

59 minutes ago, Marg M said:

But, alone, I could not listen. I had a stupid crying jag. 

My friend said now I could find myself.  I did find me, and I don't like it.

 I miss music, but I just can’t listen to anything from when Steve was here.  All I ever hear are the bands on the late shows.  Even some of those tear me up. 

I don’t like this new me either.  I don’t know her and she is so alien to me.  She finds doing what I used to to do monumental.   She just wants to stare into space and leave, for where I don’t know.  She’s not very good at communicating with the few people I do know.  She’s resentful, angry, lonely and never feels good, ever.  She even finds the dogs irritating when they were so much a part of life.   

I cant really blame her.  Her body is in pain all of the time.  She’s been isolated for over 3 years in this house.  Going out just brings her back here.  The changes of living alone with never any plans for the future kill the spirit.  She’s even finding crying  and screaming unhelpful.  All around are reminders of a life that was fulfilling.  Seeing others, even on TV shows, are a constant reminder.  

Sleep is the only place there is some peace.  The lure of that is getting too strong.  That’s my biggest fear for her.

[Gwenivere]

 

 

[Gin]

 

Marge and Gwen,

Al used to play his mandolin every night.  No music for me anymore, either.  I do not like the new person she has become.  She is extremely lonely and does nothing of any value.  She tried to volunteer, but those positions required too much walking.  She cannot walk well either.  I do not think she does anything well anymore.  She tries, but does not succeed.  At least her sciatica has calmed down so the pain is much less. She joins your club.  

[Gwenivere]

Gin, I hear you on the pain.  I know if I could just walk, stand and sleep as I used to it would make all the difference.  This is the absolute worst time for physical limitations.  I have things I want to do, but have to weigh the cost.  The worst being taking a shower.  It’s a must and so hard.  Talk about depressing.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 She’s even finding crying  and screaming unhelpful.

Don't scream, even into pillows, it just hurts your head and provides no relief.  

[Gwenivere]

Can’t. Help it, Marg, crying just doesn’t cut it sometimes and it’s not like I choose to.  It’s called keening. A level beyond tears.  Wailing would be another definition.  All I know is I can’t breathe and say anything.  It’s a primal pain that surfaces.  All my mind is thinkingbis NO NO NO!!!

[Gin]

Gwen. I loved baths.  Well, yesterday I tried one again.  I almost could not get out of the tub!  Wouldn't that have been a pretty sight for the poor 911 folks.  So, for awhile it will be a shower chair.  

[Gwenivere]

I have one of those, Gin, but not the shower head needed.  If I had motivation, I’d get one.  Maybe someday.  I just plan a long time for a simple task now.  I miss enjoying what we’re simple things.

[TomPB]

Ah, the bathtub. We have a very nice big whirlpool that we carefully selected in one of our renovations. Then...Susan died in that tub. Early on I summoned the willpower to take a bath, twice. Have not been able to do so since. But I do take showers, and then I'm standing where she was lying....

[Gin]

Tom,. That must be so very hard!

[Gwenivere]

 

[Gwenivere]

I posted the above because I want know where to find some.for all of us..  💔

[kayc]

The last hug I got like that was from George.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I miss music, but I just can’t listen to anything from when Steve was here.

Me too, Gwen.  George loved music and had eclectic taste so that's a wide array that's out.

[Gypsy]

This is my first time with this discussion group, I have no idea what to say other than I just recently lost my beautiful husband of 50 yrs 3 months ago, we were married very young me 17 he 21 he was the most wonderful husband, father, friend, brother and human being that could ever be, my true soul mate, I am so lost and broken, my heart is in a million pieces,. I have Two wonderful children and grandchildren, very loving and supportive family and friends but my pain and loneliness do not stop, I miss him so terribly I feel sick, I cry so much especially at night I always asked God to take me first because I am just not strong enough to go through all the pain, but he didn't listen,does anyone out there feel the same and is there anything I can do to try and feel a bit normal again,  

[DaveM]

Gypsy, I am so sorry to hear that. There are dozens here that share that pain, and hundreds who have been here before. I have been here a year but we have some members who have been here many years. We will lend shoulders when you need us. When you can, look through some of the threads here, and read some of the information Marty has provided for us.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gypsy said:

I always asked God to take me first

Gypsy, I am so sorry you have to join us.  But, these words you spoke, I thought I would go first.  My history is repeated so many times, I won't go into it.  There is nothing wrong to say.  Pour your heart out, get it off your chest and then the next day do it all over again.  We were married 54 years and I wanted 54 more.  I cannot say it gets totally better, but the waves stop beating as hard after awhile and then there is all of a sudden that one you cannot swim out of, but you do.  I think I'm doing better and then a day like today when we lose one of our members, it just throws you back down again.  But, you said you had family.  I wanted to follow Billy,  and I never considered my family.   It took a couple of days and I knew I could not follow him.  He had said, the one left must stay.  Here I am.  Today we are suffering through losing a member of the forum and his losses just were too many for him to bear.  Please keep reading, you are among friends, and we are all different and all the same too.  You might see daylight in the next year or so.  I begrudged my family being around at first, I wanted to suffer by myself.  You get used to them after awhile and know for some reason you are living.  Some days I do, some days I don't.  I'm just happy we have a place to come and cry when we want to..  A lot.  

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Gypsy said:

does anyone out there feel the same and is there anything I can do to try and feel a bit normal again,  

You've found your way here, Gypsy, and you'll soon find that you are among kindred spirits whose feelings are similar to yours ~ but even so, the grief reactions you'll experience will be unique to you alone, and you'll discover those as you go along. Here you will find the compassion, understanding and support you need and deserve ~ and you'll find lots of information about grief, too. We believe that the more you learn about what is "normal" in grief, the more you'll know what to expect, the less "crazy" and alone you will feel, and the better prepared you will be to deal with it. Eventually we each become the real "experts" in our own grief. For now, however, rather than looking to "feel a bit normal again," a more realistic goal for you might be just to get through whatever you're experiencing now ~ even if it's just one hour or one day at a time. I don't know if your husband was on a hospice service, but if so, please know that you are entitled to 13 months of bereavement services from that hospice. Otherwise your local mortuary or hospital can point you to whatever bereavement services may be available in your community, and I encourage you to investigate, discover and take advantage of them as well. We're so sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but welcome you with open arms and caring hearts. ♥

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gypsy said:

This is my first time with this discussion group, I have no idea what to say other than I just recently lost my beautiful husband of 50 yrs 3 months ago, we were married very young me 17 he 21 he was the most wonderful husband, father, friend, brother and human being that could ever be, my true soul mate, I am so lost and broken, my heart is in a million pieces,. I have Two wonderful children and grandchildren, very loving and supportive family and friends but my pain and loneliness do not stop, I miss him so terribly I feel sick, I cry so much especially at night I always asked God to take me first because I am just not strong enough to go through all the pain, but he didn't listen,does anyone out there feel the same and is there anything I can do to try and feel a bit normal again,  

Gypsy,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  It took me a lifetime to meet George and when I did, we both knew we were soul mates, the ones that belonged together, we met in our forties, we were so happy!  He's been gone 12 1/2 years now, this is unlike any grief I've ever borne.  This is what I've learned in the last twelve years, I hope something in it will be of help to you, if not, know it came from a caring place.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gypsy]

Thank you Kayc for your kind words and for trying to help me, I don't think I will ever get over the loss of my wonderful Husband who's 

name is also George, I just pray that in time I will learn to survive without him.

christine 

[Margm]

Gypsy, I keep looking to the sky, talking to the sky and tell Billy I cannot do it alone, and then I go on and do it alone.  

[Gypsy]

Thank you all so much what wonderful people you are do compassionate and understanding, I have joined a support group starting Feb 7th I pray this dill help me as I am in dire need of help I didn't know I could feel so much pain I loved my husband to death he was my salvation and best friend I just miss him so so much he died of cancer but was not in hospice but was looked after so well in hospital 

but they couldn't cure him, thanks for you all being there,

christine 

[Gin]

Christine,. So sorry for your loss.  Welcome to our grief family.  It is so, so, hard to lose your soul mate...the only one you want and can have no longer.  We are all on this road together.  I finally found the love of my life when I was 60.  16 years of supreme happiness and now such horrible pain.

Gin

[Cookie]

Gypsy:  My heart goes out to you....50 years is a very long time.  I was married 47 and have felt and feel very much the same as you.  It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost my sweet John to cancer.  Things change, but I still struggle.  I think I've learned to manage some.  I still miss him as much if not more since he left, though.  Sounds like you have a lot of support and that is good.  No, it won't taking your pain away unfortunately, but it does help in the sense that  like for me I felt so vulnerable without him suddenly and it is good to have people who care about you around.  Please know you are cared about...hugs, Cookie

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gypsy said:

Thank you Kayc for your kind words and for trying to help me, I don't think I will ever get over the loss of my wonderful Husband who's 

name is also George, I just pray that in time I will learn to survive without him.

christine 

I don't think there is such a thing as "getting over our loss", the best we can hope for is to learn to survive and make our lives one we can live.  But to get from initial loss to that point is quite a journey, it requires much from us and that can feel exhausting because it is!  We're all here doing this together, a grief family of sorts, know you are not alone.  George is a good name.