It's not fair

[CharKath]

What a short night. Only 4 hours after a hot, humid ten hour day. Its taking forever for my sleeping to improve. Its not fair. Temps have been in the eighties, 90 today though. Farming alone is tough. Charley needs to grease the baler, I'm not sure I'm getting all the zerks. Its not fair. And his tractors clutch is getting tight. Adjusting those was his job too. The book says remove the clevis pin and turn yoke counterclockwise to proper adjustment. At which direction is that? Looking down at the top of the yoke or up from the bottom? I don't want to know this. That's Charley's job. And I can't find him to ask. Its not fair. Its gonna be a long day. Everyone is busy today. I get to do this by myself. Its not fair. I guess I better do chores. Time is marching along. Tomorrow is eleven months. I don't know how that can be. I just lost him. Its not fair. I think the word  "time" should be considered a bad four letter word. It drags you along whether you want to go or not. Sometimes its been kicking and screaming. Its not fair. I have soooo many questions I need to ask Charley. He'd know. But he isn't here to ask. So here I am, stumbling along, spinning in place. Its not fair.

[KATPILOT]

Try not to think of time as a  bad thing Kathie. Sometimes it can be your friend for it allows you healing and gets you to a softer time where the tears fall not as often and a smile catches you time and again. I know sorrow will still come visiting but time will step in. One thing I believe is that on the other side, time has no meaning.  For us time moves so slowly but for Charlie eleven months might seem like a day. You never know when he might be near and if you don't know how to do some of those things maybe just sit in the tractor and do nothing. Sit for a while in silence and let your mind go. Perhaps a solution will find it's way into your thoughts. He might just be there to help you see it.  He knows you can do it. I think Kathy knew I could do what first seemed impossible to me. I still wonder about how that came to be.

[kayc]

Counterclockwise...to the left.

I know it's hard.  Some things just don't get done now, at least not to George's satisfaction, but I can't be two people and I'm gifted in some ways and a nincompoop in others.

[KATPILOT]

Yes Kay I think we are all giftedpoops  but I also think we are better than who we were without them.  I don't think George sees it as not to his satisfaction. I think he would be proud of you even just for trying. I bet you do things better than you'll admit. Today I am making one of Kathy's recipes for my son that she use to make especially for him and he is coming over so I can teach him how to do it. His family is in Japan for two months so he's alone other than skype so we shall spend it together. I can't think of a better father's day for myself than knowing Kathy is watching us do it. It may not be as good as hers but I don't think it matters all that much. It's still better than not having it at all. When I was looking through her recipe files, I realized how badly out of order I had gotten them. That sure wouldn't be her idea of a good time but the good part is that I'm using them and she might appreciate that.

Best thoughts to you today dear Kay.

[KarenK]

Char,

My heart goes out to you. I sometimes complain about the little repairs that i have here, but farming is so very much harder. I can not imagine having to do this on your own. I tried to help my SIL on their farm because my daughter could no longer do it, just simple things and I was breathless. Are there neighbors nearby to help with the cutting and baling or repairs? My SIL had neighbors who pitched in, no questions asked.

Yes, you are right. It is so not fair.

[Patty65]

Totally relate Char.  The tools I can't (and don't want to) use, the disrepair, the questions I can't ask.  The only thing I was able to obtain was two passwords.  The broken plumbing and leaks, the shoulder-high yard... the things he put away that I don't know where.  It's totally not fair.  Grief makes it impossible, and the missing skills and knowledge just seals the impossibility into a fortress it seems.

[rdownes]

I am lost without Kevin he could fix anything a week after he passed our car started acting up my youngest son and his brother both looked on it my son's learned alot from dad on fixing cars and dirt bikes but they weren't figuring it out I remember asking Kevin in my head to help them figure it out, I do that alot he had an answer for everything you are right it is not fair

[Margm]

Billy and I separated for six weeks back in the early 90's or late 80's.  My girlfriend and I went to the movie.  I said "Debra, what am I going to do about changing my oil."  She looked at me like that was the dumbest thing I could say.  She said "you go to an oil changing place."  Okay.  

I gotta hurry and get away from this owning a home responsibilities, so I will start packing boxes to leave like Santa Claus at night in front of the thrift store.  

[CharKath]

Things went OK with my hay. Sunday i picked up 222 by myself. On monday a friend helped with the last 268. Found one new zerk on the baler I didn't know about. Haven't tackled that clutch yet. I have to find out what they consider top and bottom on that yoke. Right now there's a heck of a loud thunderstorm rolling in. I now hate those. That's something else that isn't fair. We used to sit on the front porch together and watch storms and rainy days. I felt safe with Charley there. Its just scarey now. Not fair.

[CharKath]

Its going to be one of those nights. I'm tired but can't sleep and I just want my Charley back. I need one of his bear hugs and I love you from him. Its just unimaginable never getting that again. My guilt and regret have got together again are running amuck in my mind.  I tried to do everything right, but I don't know. Never will I guess. I wish he could tell me himself I did OK, its not fair. Wishing for someone to talk to is no good, they're all in bed. I hate these four hour nights, but after 8 months I should be used to it. I don't see how this gets better tonight. Seems like I just lost him. Can't keep it together at all. What did i do to deserve this?  Not fair.

[kayc]

Remember his voice saying it to you...nothing has changed as far as he is concerned, he still loves you.  Now hear that voice again, in your mind.

[CharKath]

I'm trying, but its hard. I don't know I'm gonna get through this. How do people manage to do this? I'm lacking something I think.

[KATPILOT]

You aren't lacking Cathie. It's just one of the hardest jobs you ever had to do.  One day though you will feel good just being able to say "I am still standing".

[Margm]

11 hours ago, CharKath said:

Things went OK with my hay. Sunday i picked up 222 by myself. On monday a friend helped with the last 268. Found one new zerk on the baler I didn't know about. Haven't tackled that clutch yet. I have to find out what they consider top and bottom on that yoke.

 

On 6/19/2016 at 8:14 AM, CharKath said:

That's Charley's job. And I can't find him to ask. Its not fair.

Yokes and zerks.  You have beat anything I have ever tried to do.  It might have been Charley's job, but I bow to your chutzpah.  

Billy used to say "that's my job" and when I came in and it was 79 degrees in the house, Billy was not here to do his job.  GoodGosh, it was a job for me to figure out, but I was not bringing in bales of hay or figuring out a tractor.  Our yard, the whole two acres needs mowed and you could probably pick up another 200 bales with the intelligence and strength that you have shown us.  Just making that AC start working again was enough for me.  Now,, I feel very small indeed with my accomplishment.  The person I am giving the Cub Cadet to will mow it Saturday, plus I will pay.  Soon after I hope to be gone from this house responsibility with the refrigerators, stoves, washing machines, AC, roof, yards to mow, equipment to keep up.  Billy hated keeping up a house, that is why we loved living in an RV.  He did not mind keeping it up, and that was no small task.  

At age 40 Billy was in the ICU with blood pressure that would not go down.  Found kidney arteries that were occluded from atherosclerosis.  He came too close to a stroke.  He quit the cigarettes, but continued the liquid poison he would swallow the next 35 years. Stents were put in and the rest of his life we went to his nephrologist twice a year.  He took two blood pressure medicines the rest of his life, but he was being checked twice a year.  I had two types of cancer at 39 and was sent overnight to MD Anderson Cancer Hospital in Houston, miles from our home.  Then thirty-two years later (because of the massive amount of radiation to kill the cancer) my colon burst with overall sepsis, like what killed Patty Duke.  Billy watched me go into spasms of pain so many times.  It was expected I would go first.  I think they forgot to tell me that though.  I wish now they had told me so I could have exited before Billy.  But, if I had, he would have hurt like I do.  I keep thinking that as fast as he went, he would not have hurt long.  

No life is not fair.  But we have to keep living it until we don't anymore.  

[CharKath]

Gee I'm sorry about all your health problems. Sounds like your a tough one to keep down though. Charley and me were always pretty healthy. We only had one cold in the last 7 years. Of course being home bodies helps I'm sure. I've been farming for 38 years now and by myself really the last two. But Charley was right there watching and could answer any questions I had. He'd sit on the front porch and watch and wave to me as I worked. We were a team. We thought alike, knew the farm came first, could finish each other sentences, soulmates are just the best thing ever. It was wonderful to have someone who had your back and could rub it too.

[kayc]

Nope, nothing wrong with you, like Steve said, it's one of the hardest jobs you've ever had to do (getting used to this).  It takes a long while to get used to our new lives without, it really does, and we may do a lot of crying along the way,

[Margm]

Kath, you are so brave, you are so courageous.  You are so strong.  Just read what you just wrote.  I nicknamed Terri WW for Wonder Woman.  I don't know what to call you because your accomplishments are so great I cannot find words.  You can carry on a physical labor job that  none of us can even think about tackling.  Yet, like you, doing things by ourselves is like doing our life without our heart, arms, or legs.  I cannot find words.  You all, and I mean all of you, you take my breath away.  

[CharKath]

Another short night last night. That's two in a row now. I went to bed at midnight and at 4:38 was still awake. Then I fell asleep sometime after that only to wake up at 7:25!!! Ive never had so much trouble sleeping in my life. I was getting 6&7 hours while staying nights with my friends. But after 3 months I knew i had to come home and sleep has escaped me ever since. How long does this keep up? Its now starting the 9th month of this. Is there an average time for this to go away or like everything else in this journey,an individual thing and no one knows?

[MartyT]

Sorry to say, Kathie ~ but yes, it is very much an "individual thing," like everything else in this grief journey of yours. I've gathered a number of articles on this topic, but you might also consult your primary care physician to make sure there's nothing else going on physically with you that could be causing the disruption in your sleep.

See Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief

[kayc]

I had a very hard time sleeping after George died, sometimes having to go to work after only a couple of hours sleep.  In looking back I should have taken sleeping pills, the doctor offered them, but I was trying to make it without drugs.  I think the lack of sleep hurt me more than the drugs would have.  Melatonin did nothing, neither did sleepytime tea, etc.  Are you working?  If not, maybe try not fighting it, and be up during the night and sleep when your body will finally cooperate.  If you have to go to work that won't work though.  

[CharKath]

I'm definitely working. Baled hay last week, ground feed and worked in the garden today. Going to work on the combine tomorrow. Planting crops I was putting in 12-16 hour days and no difference. I can be dead on my butt and still lay awake at night. When Charley was here he was my protector and I felt 100% safe. Now he's gone I hear everything, my imagination works overtime, I don't feel safe anymore. Its the middle of summer and my windows are all closed because of that. And I don't have a/c just fans. I was never afraid of the dark before, but I am now. Ain't that awful to admit to for an adult.

[kayc]

Oh yeah, you're the one that works continually, sorry, I forgot.   I'd go to the doctor and see what he suggests then.  You need your sleep!  It sounds like some anxiety, which I am all too familiar with.  I've used meditation (we have a lot of them on our site), but my mind is overactive at night too.

There's no shame in being afraid of the dark.  You're probably used to sleeping with your husband and now that you're not...

[CharKath]

I did go see my doctor back in may. He said I had situational depression and offered me stuff, but I wanted to hold off and see if the work would straighten me out. So far it hasn't. I have found out being outside all day and working keeps me from getting so down. We had a long rainy day this week and I about fell apart. I need to be out and keep my mind busy. Suppose to rain all day tomorrow, but be nice all next week. That's something to look forward to. 

[Margm]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

There's no shame in being afraid of the dark.  

Have always been afraid of the dark and at my age, doubt that will ever change.  I do not like putting my feet anywhere under my bed before I go to sleep.  But, with my reputation for the kind of housekeeper that I am, it is understandable that I have dust bunnies under my bed that I have given names to.  They are not handsome either.  

[Margm]

12 hours ago, CharKath said:

 I can be dead on my butt and still lay awake at night.

You all know what I have to do to sleep.  I take one Xanax and one clonidine (blood pressure med that makes me sleepy).  I do not abuse either med.  But, this is what works for me, might not work for anyone else in the world.  I think I might miss out on dreams, cannot remember any.  I have woke up and thought Billy was beside me, and softly I remember he is not.  I could say sadly I remember, but it might be sad underneath, but it is also just a matter of fact.  I hit the floor as soon as I wake up.  No laying in bed for me.  I do my most work when I am sick, definitely afraid to be in bed then.  I know to watch for the rise in temperature that shows my ticking bomb is reaching the end of the clock.  

A woman at Walmart (checker) and I were talking.  Her husband could not understand why she slept so soundly.  She told him that if he stood on his feet 16 hours a day he would sleep soundly too.  

Right now your grief is interfering with your sleep.  I know, from experience, before the battery operated clocks, if you wound a clock too tight, it would quit working.  So, you and me both, our clocks sometimes are wound too tight.  Mine is relieved with drugs and it runs again the next day.  Just remember, wound too tight, eventually you will need to get one run by batteries.  I do get my rest.  Might not be the acceptable kind, but I accept it gratefully.  

Mama was a tightly wound clock.  Often she would go to bed and say her body was singing.  As a kid I listened but could not hear it sing.  Now I know what she meant.  At night, your body sort of vibrates in a way you can feel it in all your nerve endings, like it was making sounds.......like it was singing.  

Mama was that fine line between genius and insanity.