Given up .

[Forever His x]

So next week it has been 3 months . i dont know how ive got through them and i dont get where the time has gone , im still looking for him and i cant find him . i think im going a little bit crazy . 

Not only have i got to get my self through the day i have to get our 15 month old through the day to not literally because he doesnt understand but i have to look after him all day after all thats whats being a mum is all about . His done so much in the last 3 months and his missed it all thats another load of emotions on its own . 

No one seems to be able to help no one knows what to say , the whole world is carrying on and im just stood here holding onto my little boys hand , somehow although his young i feel his dragging me through it all . Nothings changed since day one and ive seen peoples posts who have lost alot longer than me and they still feel pretty much the same , therapy hasnt helped i thought i was going to get something out of it coping methods maybe i dont know , not just be nodded at and told its normal i dont want this as my "normal" .
And if i hear that blooming word "time" said to me once more im going to explode , give it time to what learn to suppress it , for it to be longer since ive seen his beautiful face , yeah thanks for that " time " really is the answer ! i dont think so . i am a loner i dont have any friends i just have my family , because i had everything in my man i just wanted him and only him . 
Just what is there to do now just keep sitting in the fog all day listening to your head going round and around and around . i know its all part of " grieving " but i dont want to be grieving . 
There is just nothing now , im 24 years old and thats it now there is nothing out there for me . 
 

I give up . 

[rdownes]

I feel your pain I understand. I am almost at three months and and the loneliness seems to be settling in, I hate the new normal but I have accepted it. I miss my Kevin down to my soul, does it hurt yes,do we want to rip our hearts out to stop the pain yes. Grief just sucks, I will not not talk about time because I don't know if time is what we need I think at least for me personally I hold on to hope. Hope that I will find my peace one day, hope keeps me going. I will not let grief win my Kevin loved me more than the world and it is also that love that keeps me going everyday know matter how hard of a day I have. So many times I have said I give up I can't do this but I find my hope. I post and these amazing people reach out and offer their support even though they are suffering to I am here for you and feel all your pain and having a little one to take care of has got to be hard but your child is also your reason to keep going and don't give up just take it one breath at a time if needed it is hard and it may get harder but we can do this and go on with their love in our heart hugs to you.

[Gin]

Forever,

Don't give up.  Most of us have felt many times like giving up.  We did not.  Sometimes it seems so pointless to continue, but we are still here.  Young or old, we feel the horrible pain of losing the one person in the world that gave our life meaning.  Keep coming to this group where people really understand.  I know it is very hard for you and your son.

Gin

 

 

[Finch]

I have felt like giving up. 

I hope that you are able to derive some hope from your son.

Can I ask what kind of therapist you are seeing? Maybe consider changing therapists if the one you are seeing is not helping at all. Is this person specifically a grief counselor? 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Forever His x said:

And if i hear that blooming word "time" said to me once more im going to explode , give it time to what learn to suppress it , for it to be longer since ive seen his beautiful face , yeah thanks for that " time " really is the answer ! i dont think so .

Time alone does nothing to heal our grief, you are right about that.  But it does take time to process all this, and to put in our grief work.  It is so much effort it is exhausting, that is true, but everything helps, bit by bit...seeing a grief counselor, coming here and reading & posting, expressing yourself, I did art therapy too, reading grief books, videos on loss, it's not much fun, that's for sure, but little by little it all helps our coping abilities, our adjustment.  It takes more than that though, much of it is dependent on our focus and attitude.  It takes pushing through the pain and looking for good in your life and learning to appreciate what is rather than lament what isn't.  I started working on that just a couple of weeks after my husband died, so I know it can be done, but it's a work in progress.  There will still be times it'll all hit you and there's no magic pill to make you "over it", there will still be triggers, but they come with less frequency and after a while you look back and see that the pain isn't as intense as it used to be.  And it's very important, at some point, to give yourself permission to smile again, because many clutch onto their sorrow and pain as a way of staying close to their loved one, feeling guilt if they let go for a moment...hence the need to give yourself permission.  To think that all of this can be accomplished in three months or a year is ludicrous!  This is a journey for the long haul, but I don't want to leave you in despair...there is hope.  Not that you'll have him back with you, but that you will learn to live your new life.  And of course you don't want to right now!  No one asked if you if you wanted him to die, wanted your life to change, wanted your child to be without his dad!  You're angry about that and have every right to be!  It took me much time and energy (and yes, pain), to work through my husband's death, and I didn't have the additional things you have with raising a child alone!

My heart goes out to you...I know this is painful.

[Widowedbysuicide]

17 hours ago, Gin said:

Forever,

Don't give up.  Most of us have felt many times like giving up.  We did not.  Sometimes it seems so pointless to continue, but we are still here.  Young or old, we feel the horrible pain of losing the one person in the world that gave our life meaning.  Keep coming to this group where people really understand.  I know it is very hard for you and your son.

Gin

 

 

Please don't give up.  It was quite usual for me to feel like that more often than not in the first few months.  I was told it was a normal feeling, and I gave myself permission to feel that way some days.  Other days I gave myself permission to do what ever I needed to make it through the day.

As Finch mentioned, a qualified grief councellor can be of great benefit.  Not all councellors work for all people, you and your son deserve the best.  Perhaps someone in your family can help you find a councellor that is more compatible.  No one wants you to feel as you do; however, there are times when the advice that is meant to help actually hurts very deeply.  Please know that the hurt is unintended.

You said, "i am a loner i dont have any friends i just have my family, because i had everything in my man i just wanted him and only him."

I totally understand what you are saying.  My husband and our son were all the people I wanted and needed, before my husband died.  That is why I find my life so lonely now, he filled my life.  For nearly 36 years I felt very fulfilled, satisfied, content, loved, appreciated, adored, and complete.  Learning to live without him, and all of his caring is difficult every day.  But, when I think 'how would Gord do this, what would he say,' I also remember him telling me that he was always proud of me; he said I was a very strong person and there was nothing I couldn't do.  Those memories, our love and seeing a good councellor is what is getting me through the days and nights.  It's been seven months and there are better moments that are lasting longer.  I look forward to those moments, minutes and in time there will be better days.  

It isnt what is out there for you now...  It is what is inside you for yourself and your son.  Outside comes later...

Marita

 

[iPraiseHim]

Marita,  That is a great post. I remember  your first few times here. It is great to see the grief survivors here making their way and continuing to learn and grow.  You are an inspiration to the newly grieving and the rest of us on this group.  Thank you for sharing your heart with us.  - Shalom

[WolfsKat]

I struggle with the "depression demon" on a daily basis.......losing your soulmate is such a horrendously neverending nightmare!  It can be hard to find a focus, or something that anchors one to this world.....all you can feel is the tremendous pain, and the desperate wish to be with them, once again.....for all of "this" to be a horrible dream that you will awaken from.  I've been widowed 9 months now......still battling the "depression demon" that seems to want to suck all of my energy/interest in life....but, I do believe at last I'm winning a few skirmishes.  I think we are, all of us "works in progress".....we will never "get over" our grief, impossible!  But hopefully, all of us can find something to give meaning to our lives, as they are now......but, oh, how very difficult this can be!

[brat#2]

6 minutes ago, WolfsKat said:

I struggle with the "depression demon" on a daily basis.......losing your soulmate is such a horrendously neverending nightmare!  It can be hard to find a focus, or something that anchors one to this world.....all you can feel is the tremendous pain, and the desperate wish to be with them, once again.....for all of "this" to be a horrible dream that you will awaken from.  I've been widowed 9 months now......still battling the "depression demon" that seems to want to suck all of my energy/interest in life....but, I do believe at last I'm winning a few skirmishes.  I think we are, all of us "works in progress".....we will never "get over" our grief, impossible!  But hopefully, all of us can find something to give meaning to our lives, as they are now......but, oh, how very difficult this can be!

All so true, I'm just tired of being a work in progress.

Joyce

 

[Forever His x]

Thankyou to everyone for replying , i know i dont reply straight away i just find it hard . 
i like reading what you put as it does make sense i just dont want it to because i cant believe im in the situation , everyday is a struggle and i also feel guilty for doing daily things and doing all the things i do with our son as his missing out on so much and should be doing them to so why should i be . 

The answer to what therapist am i seeing , im under a nhs based therapy told them the situation but i have been put under a primary care therapist ? and i am only getting 6 sessions have been to 3 now missed one today but i havent got nothing out of it its just me talking he doesnt talk back , just says its a normal part of grieving but that doesnt help me , or maybe thats what therapy is all about just me talking and them listening . been a weird day today with in my head , as im thinking about therapy and questioning it as i didnt attend today , then im annoyed its not all about him but it is because im only going therapy for this reason , is it bed time yet ? not that im sleeping that much . 

 

[MartyT]

You say you feel guilty for doing daily things and doing all the things you do with your son because your beloved should be doing them, so why should you be? You are doing those things because you are your son's mother, and right now you are the only parent he's got. I hope for your son's sake you will let that be reason enough. Perhaps instead of feeling guilty for doing things with your son without his dad's physical presence, you could find ways to include memories of his dad in your activities with him. Then it might feel as if time spent with your son is a way to honor the memory of your beloved. As he grows and develops, are you noticing how is your son like his dad? What does he do that reminds you of his dad? Do you tell him that? What special things about his dad would you want your son to know and to emulate? How can you begin bringing memories of his dad into your daily life with your boy? As someone once said, If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing. 

If seeing your therapist isn't meeting your needs, I hope you will let him know how you feel about working with him. You might consider asking him to help you find an in-person support group, where you can be among others whose losses are similar to your own. The thing about grief is that you're never going to find someone who can "fix" it for you. And if something you're doing isn't helping, then it's time to try something else. You say that reading the responses you've received from other members "makes sense but I just don't want it to." Unfortunately, my dear, the only way through this grief of yours is to go through it ~ and you must decide to do that, even if you don't want to. Regardless of how much you wish it to be otherwise, there is grief work to be done, and you are the only one who can do it. I understand that you don't want to do it ~ I've yet to meet anybody on this site who wants to do it ~ but if your therapist isn't helping, that doesn't mean that there is nothing left for you to do. Pay a visit to our Tools for Healing forum. Do some reading to get some ideas about what else you can try that will help you better understand and cope with your grief. And please take time to read Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief.

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Living with grief is very complicated.  It is easy to become overwhelmed by everything when you have to manage everything by yourself now all those things the two of you did together before.  Not getting enough sleep also adds to the grief brain and that is huge.  In some ways this new life with grief is like not learning to drive before you are required to drive a race car.  I know how frustrating things can be, I get to where I just want to have a temper tantrum and force the world to change.  We won't change the world but we can cut ourselves a break and stop expecting so much from ourself.  When we haven't had the experiences before and we are not looking after ourselves we can't expect to be able to do all things perfectly or easily the first time.  Like the car, we need to look after our bodies and brains.  Cars need fuel and mechanical repairs and sometimes the road ahead is full of boulders.  This is like people on this journey.

If you aren't getting what you need from your therapy and have no option of a different therapist there may be some organization that can help you find something.  I'm glad you are here so you will find comfort and understanding.  This is a community of people of all ages and experiences and everyone here wants to help you at this most traumatic time.  When people say your thoughts or behaviours are normal it can be hurtful.  I've started to rethink 'normal' and my feeling is that for me to be told my actions and emotions are not unusual feels better.  We don't always hear the message that we are given because of how we interpret certain words and phrases.  If you can help yourself to rethink some things like I have it may make your life a little less awful.

I'm sorry that you have lost your love and are feeling so much anguish.  I hope I can give you some hope for finding your way on this journey.

Marita

 

[kayc]

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

[Finch]

Forever His, I didn't realise you are in the UK. Have you contacted Cruse? That is the organisation I am seeing my grief counselor through. 

It's free but there is usually a waiting list for in person therapy but worth registering with them. They have a phone counseling service too but I didn't find that so helpful. My therapist visits my house for the sessions and I've been seeing him for several months, weekly.

 

http://www.cruse.org.uk/

[Jgillen]

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  I am approaching 4 months without my soulmate and I am raising our two children, 4 & 6 years old.  One book I have read recently discusses the same frustration about 'time healing'.  Your healing will not be determined by time, but by you doing what makes you and your son feel better little by little.  I spend a lot of time in nature with my kids.  That seems to help us.  I know how hard it is to look at your beautiful children and think about what he's missing.  But, keep those wonderful memories going when you find the strength.  I have also found a grief support group in our city that is for children and spouses.  I hope you can find a good fit for you.  don't give up!!

[Patty65]

I totally, totally understand about the "time" word...  and it seems no "end" to the "time" either -- I heard it everywhere, and it was so frustrating.  I am at 5 1/2 months and I'm hearing that word less, and sometimes I honestly wish I heard it out in the world, because the loss would be acknowledged at least.  Now I'm trudging along in no-mans-land with everyone tip-toeing around me, figuring out whether they can approach me normally or still with caution, but not talking about it anymore.  I keep bringing up his name, to keep him close, it's up to me now.  Now I'm just living out that "time" and I can't expect much from myself, at least at home.  My daughter is 21, and living 5,000 miles away at college, and still, while feeble, it's still the only thing I can grasp to hold onto to keep going sometimes.  She still needs me.  So I go on.  Your son needs you.  As manic, depressive, phobic, whatever, that I get in this grief, I just keep getting up and doing the next right thing.  It's all we have, till this mysterious "time" passes, or so they say... The days that I don't believe this "time" will ever pass are the days I lose hope and want to give up, so I try extra hard to have a core, like here or my therapist, to turn to on those days.

Hugs,

Patty

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thinking of everyone on this thread...

[brat#2]

So true, Marita

 

[JJ660]

I just wanted to let you know I can relate to you. I lost my soul mate during my pregnancy, and I'm now raising our daughter alone. Yes, the milestones hurt. I hope you're able to keep memories of your husband alive for your son.

 

Have you looked into a grief support group? In all honesty, I feel they have done much more than a counselor. Plus, they're free. Seems a lot of counselors dont know what to say.

 

Exercise and keeping busy helps too.

 

If you ever need to chat, feel free to message me.

[KATPILOT]

JJ just a feeling I have about counseling................if it seems that they don't know what to say, they may just not be the right counselor.  This is spoken from a veteran through whose life's journey exposed him to different needs for counseling. I've seen the good and the bad.

To all who are reading this, support groups may seem difficult at first, even quite painful, yet they help in more ways than you can first imagine. Once you have allowed yourself to show your vulnerability in front of others, you start to feel different and in the early days of grief, different is almost always better. I found that tools I needed became more apparent and visible when I looked from a different point of view.

On ‎8‎/‎13‎/‎2016 at 2:59 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Thinking of everyone on this thread...

Thanks for posting this Marita.    It will find it's spot on my fridge.

[Forever His x]

So i have cancelled my current therapist as they cant offer me a grief counsellor just a therapist that generalises in all causes and to be honest im getting no where with it and its a waste for someone to sit and nod at me , it doesnt help , so i shall go and find a grief counsellor .
I had forgotten a few of my medication well the anti depressants i was subscribed felt no different not taking them to taking them , but my thinking it bad like really bad so tomorrow im going to start taking them . 

So lately what am i up to ready for this ... im on a mission im determined to find him , this hasnt happened it hasnt been three months since ive seen him or kissed him or all of the things we do together and as a family . surely its not just me and my son now ! ,i need to find him . i cant carry on with out him . i was standing at a crossing last week watching the cars go speeding past thinking how easy it would to just stick my foot out and get dragged along with one . simply really isnt it . i feel like im going insane . im going to be young and lonely let alone old and lonely . why im writing all this again i dont know , how do i get out of this i dont . i hate my self i hate my life . 
I love my little boy , yet i feel so sorry for him because i cant give him everything i want to he needs his daddy just like i do i worry how his going to grow up , i have yet to explain all this to him , who does that who tells their little boy what has happened why cant he just see his daddy , why cant i have my fiance . 
i feel sick i feel ill im making my self ill with my own bloody head. i am really really struggling and the only thing that will help me is him !! , this is it now this is me . 

How Lovely . 


I will look into the cruse people as suggested i didnt know about them so thankyou , i will also look into some groups in my area see if i can attend one of them . im also going to look though the link that has been posted too and the quote that was posted was lovely although upsetting , all these little bits i didnt know about might be able to help in a tiny way so thankyou . 

[Forever His x]

On 11/08/2016 at 11:18 PM, Jgillen said:

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  I am approaching 4 months without my soulmate and I am raising our two children, 4 & 6 years old.  One book I have read recently discusses the same frustration about 'time healing'.  Your healing will not be determined by time, but by you doing what makes you and your son feel better little by little.  I spend a lot of time in nature with my kids.  That seems to help us.  I know how hard it is to look at your beautiful children and think about what he's missing.  But, keep those wonderful memories going when you find the strength.  I have also found a grief support group in our city that is for children and spouses.  I hope you can find a good fit for you.  don't give up!!

hello , 
i am also very sorry for your loss and experience too , i would love to be able to stay in contact and chat , as i dont know anyone who has suffered this loss and especially who have children . me and my fiance loved the out doors and so does our little one now , breathing in the fresh air seems to help both of us but is so upsetting too . 
i feel so guilty im seeing him grow and his not and just how are you meant to carry on with this life when it wasnt meant to be this way . you sound very strong for your children i hope i can be for my beautiful son . 

[Forever His x]

13 hours ago, JJ660 said:

I just wanted to let you know I can relate to you. I lost my soul mate during my pregnancy, and I'm now raising our daughter alone. Yes, the milestones hurt. I hope you're able to keep memories of your husband alive for your son.

 

Have you looked into a grief support group? In all honesty, I feel they have done much more than a counselor. Plus, they're free. Seems a lot of counselors dont know what to say.

 

Exercise and keeping busy helps too.

 

If you ever need to chat, feel free to message me.

Hello , 

thankyou for replying to me , it really helps hearing from people in the same situation and having the little ones . im also very sorry for your loss and what you have had to go through . as i just replied a few seconds ago i havent looked into a grief support group i think its something i might try as others have said its good . How old is your daughter now ? how is she , im worried for my sons future with what has happened, its all so wrong i dont know how to stay strong and i dont know how to carry on when i dont want to but have to for him . his so beautiful and such a lovely little boy makes it harder . How do you cope  ? 

Id love to keep in contact, 

[rdownes]

I feel your pain it does stink and hurt beyond words my kids are older but it is still just as hard on older kids because they had them in their life longer, there is no easy way out of this  we will struggle everyday now but it is the price we pay for love, I have had some really bad days lately just coming out of them but if it meant not having my Kevin in my life for the time I did to avoid this pain I would take this anguish anyday he showed me what is was like to be unconditionally loved, try to hold on to the love I know it is hard since we can't see them or talk to them anymore, or feel their touch anymore but I truly believe they are only a breath away I hope you find a sense peace hugs.

[kayc]

I didn't understand some of the things you wrote...you said you're on a mission to find him.  ???  How?

You also said:

1 hour ago, Forever His x said:

I will look into the cruse people as suggested i didnt know about them so thankyou

Cruse people???  Not sure what you're talking about.

Your little boy needs you, and yes it'd be great for him to have his dad but since there's just you, you're all he knows.  Do you have a father or brother or friend that could help fill the male role in his life?  If not, maybe a big brother program when he's older, even things like boy scouts can help.  My son had a dad but spent a lot of time with men in our church (hunting, men's breakfasts, workdays, etc.), as well as sports (coaches, etc.).  It all helps!