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10 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Pat, crying is usually cathartic but let's face it, what we're crying about now has a different level of pain and complexity to it.  For me, the tears are always just below the surface. Whether it's a thought (or any trigger) those tears seem to burst out without notice. These tears are different. They are the tears of a permanent loss. Tears that come from the loss of so much love.

 And I think what makes them different is that we know our loved one isn't coming back. That we will hurt and cry for that loss the rest of our lives. This isn't the normal tears of daily misery that just says "life sucks". These are tears of sheer agony. In many ways, we've lost everything. Our whole world has disintegrated. Our heart shattered into a million pieces. 

I'm so glad you wrote the above because I never thought of it that way.  You are right, crying in the past was about mostly temporary problems and frustrations that got resolved one way or another.  This one won't.   Although extremely painful, the loss of parents, pets and friends were the natural order, as is a spouse at some point for one of them, but oh so different!  I always think of the exception of losing a child and can only imagine the horror that brings your soul.  

So we cry and cry now but it cant soothe as it did other losses and problems.  I think of the times in my youth I cried like it was the end of the world about a breakup.  So little did I know of what that truly felt like for that person to be forever gone not just from my life, but from the world.  

Ive never cried so much with so little relief as now.  That feeds on itself too.  Knowing it will keep coming back again and again and the outcome is the same, I'm still alone without being so special in one persons eyes and heart.  Yet we have to live with that feeling for them....unrequited now.

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The tears are starting to help, but they come from a place so deep.and foreign its almost frightening. I find that I feel my worst after I don't cry for awhile. The tears get stuck and the tension keeps building until it turns into this huge ball of pain and fear in my chest. Sometimes music helps me break through. What do you guys do? Anyone else experience this "stuck" "frozen" feeling sometimes?

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I decided to go through the box I use for the "coffee table" and the first thing I saw was a plaque that Billy had bought me on our 33rd anniversary.  I closed the box.  Not going through any more of them.  I might not ever go through them.  They are really nice plastic buckets/boxes with latching lids.  I don't mind looking at them.  He had written on the back.  After 54 years, there are too many things in those boxes.  I'm through.  

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I'm kind of like you, Marg, it's hard to go through that stuff.  I never felt stuck as in couldn't cry, the tears flowed plenty in the early years, and even now and then in later years, but I don't worry about whether I cry or don't.  The important thing is not to stop the tears if you feel like crying, let them come and go as they need to.  I know someone who was married 50* years, happily, it's been over a year and she hasn't cried yet.  She says she isn't trying to stop them.  She had a breakdown after he died.  I would think a grief counselor would be warranted but she hasn't seen one.

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

 I never felt stuck as in couldn't cry

Crying to me is a constant.  I have many ways that I do it.  They come on without thought, they just happen, anywhere, anytime.  Walking in Walmart, driving in the car, looking at clouds, always the moon, dog food commercials, any movie, any song, any time of the day or night.  Probably why I quit wearing mascara, although I know about all the water proofs, they still burn my eyes.  And, I still talk to Billy, although not like the first few months.  Strangely, today is the 21st month.  I feel like a pro.  I'd rather not feel that way.  

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I'm a big crier. Tomorrow is Susan's birthday and I'm getting together with some of her friends tonight for a bday "party". In preparing a card I read past cards from me to her and from her to me and was crying violently, screaming. So much love expressed, "love you more every year" etc and now I'm supposed to live without that warmth. 

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On 6/28/2017 at 3:04 AM, mittam99 said:

Pat, crying is usually cathartic but let's face it, what we're crying about now has a different level of pain and complexity to it.  For me, the tears are always just below the surface. Whether it's a thought (or any trigger) those tears seem to burst out without notice. These tears are different. They are the tears of a permanent loss. Tears that come from the loss of so much love.

 And I think what makes them different is that we know our loved one isn't coming back. That we will hurt and cry for that loss the rest of our lives. This isn't the normal tears of daily misery that just says "life sucks". These are tears of sheer agony. In many ways, we've lost everything. Our whole world has disintegrated. Our heart shattered into a million pieces. 

I'm so glad you wrote the above because I never thought of it that way.  You are right, crying in the past was about mostly temporary problems and frustrations that got resolved one way or another.  This won't.  

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Tom, there was a line used by 2 characters in Blue Bloods we adopted.....she'd say I love you, he'd say I love you more and she said I love you most.  I so miss saying that seeing who got the last line.

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Tom, there was a line used by 2 characters in Blue Bloods we adopted.....she'd say I love you, he'd say I love you more and she said I love you most.  I so miss saying that seeing who got the last line.

We did that too.

Party went well, I was OK till we sang "happy bday" then after all were gone took a long walk around some of our favorite places. I believe that it's good to do this stuff, and it wd be wonderful if Susan can feel it on the other side, but it doesn't bring me any closer to adjusting to life without her.

 

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Tom,

I think you brave to have a party for her, that's tough.  I feel with you, it'd be wonderful if Susan can feel it on the other side, maybe she does!

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18 hours ago, TomPB said:

I'm a big crier. Tomorrow is Susan's birthday and I'm getting together with some of her friends tonight for a bday "party". In preparing a card I read past cards from me to her and from her to me and was crying violently, screaming. So much love expressed, "love you more every year" etc and now I'm supposed to live without that warmth. 

The cards are so so tough. I was getting some shorts out of the closet the other day and noticed something underneath them. I pulled it out and it was Lori's last birthday card and Valentines day card to me both from February. I opened them up and read them and there were her words. "Can't wait for the next 45 years", " Can't believe we are so blessed", etc... I went from feeling ok to a pile of tears and sobs within 1 second. It's also hard knowing that I won't ever have those celebrations with her. No more cards. No more singing Happy Birthday to her. No more opening my eyes in the morning and seeing her face. 

I'm glad that you got to spend her birthday among friends and got to visit your special places. We have to hold onto those memories and touchstones.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The cards are so so tough. I was getting some shorts out of the closet the other day and noticed something underneath them. I pulled it out and it was Lori's last birthday card and Valentines day card to me both from February. I opened them up and read them and there were her words. "Can't wait for the next 45 years", " Can't believe we are so blessed", etc... I went from feeling ok to a pile of tears and sobs within 1 second. It's also hard knowing that I won't ever have those celebrations with her. No more cards. No more singing Happy Birthday to her. No more opening my eyes in the morning and seeing her face.

Everything in our lives seems to easily trigger the pain of our loss. Everything they ever touched, every memory in our head, songs, movies, TV shows, restaurants... the list is truly endless. This grief journey is wrought with so many emotional roadblocks. Unfortunately, there's no GPS to navigate us through the potholes in our path and the land mines we face daily.

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3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The cards are so so tough. I was getting some shorts out of the closet the other day and noticed something underneath them. I pulled it out and it was Lori's last birthday card and Valentines day card to me both from February. I opened them up and read them and there were her words. "Can't wait for the next 45 years", " Can't believe we are so blessed", etc... I went from feeling ok to a pile of tears and sobs within 1 second. It's also hard knowing that I won't ever have those celebrations with her. No more cards. No more singing Happy Birthday to her. No more opening my eyes in the morning and seeing her face. 

I'm glad that you got to spend her birthday among friends and got to visit your special places. We have to hold onto those memories and touchstones.

Thanks Eagle.

Exactly. Some people seem to think that I am deliberately focusing on the loss instead of the happy memories. But this is not a choice or a mental exercise. As soon as I see Susan's loving words my throat constricts and the tears start. Might as well try to not blink with a light in my face. I thought that with celebrating yesterday today would be less intense but I am really feeling it.

Tomorrow for even more fun I have a person coming over to help me with her clothes.

All the encouraging talk from therapists, family and friends...I don't believe it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE ?❤️?

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21 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Tomorrow for even more fun I have a person coming over to help me with her clothes.

All the encouraging talk from therapists, family and friends...I don't believe it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE ?❤️?

I would be upfront with that person and let them know how difficult it is going to be for you(and it will be difficult Tom). That you may cry at a moments notice or for things that your friend may not bat an eyelash at. Hopefully some of the tears will be tears of joy as you reflect on Susan and the happy times she spent wearing those clothes. I have a feeling that Susan will be there with you to help you tomorrow. 

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2 hours ago, TomPB said:

Tomorrow for even more fun I have a person coming over to help me with her clothes.

I hope you know, Tom, that if you don't feel as if you're ready to do this, there is no "rule" that says you must. Sorting your beloved's belongings is something that can wait until you feel ready, willing and able to do it. There is no hurry. See Tips on Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings 

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Thanks Eagle and Marty. There's good advice on that link. I'm doing this on advice from a grief counselor who is a huge help to me with a woman who was highly recommended and with whom I have had a very good discussion. I am going ahead but based on the link will be extra careful about what I might want to keep. As with all these minefields I don't know how I'll react till it happens. I've arranged to have dinner with my brother, who is another huge support, tomorrow night for backup.

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I'm glad you have backup, Tom.  I did that in a 'task mode' stage and it was really quite easy.  I kept a few things that were my favorites.  I don't think I could do it now.   Too far into the reality (not saying you are not), but for me I decided one day the homeless could use them and if I didn't do it then while still quite numb, it would be too much.  The shelters appreciation more than made up for my not having to look at clothes he never wore anymore anyway.  Also I knew he would have wanted them to have them.  It's one of those situations you weigh the pluses and the minus's.  

Hope you treat yourself to a fantastic dinner and dessert.  ?

 

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18 hours ago, TomPB said:

Some people seem to think that I am deliberately focusing on the loss instead of the happy memories. But this is not a choice or a mental exercise.

Tom,

If anyone says something to you, explain that this is a PROCESS and in the earlier years thoughts of them bring pain, but in the later years it brings a smile at the happy memories, you are not there yet.  Time to process is not other people's place to give, it is, however, something they should realize even if it means pointing it out to them.  Some will be stubborn and hold to their ignorant views, I guess all we can do is let their opinions go for what it's worth.

I hope it goes well and I'm glad you have "backup" too, that's so helpful!

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12 hours ago, TomPB said:

Thanks Eagle and Marty. There's good advice on that link. I'm doing this on advice from a grief counselor who is a huge help to me with a woman who was highly recommended and with whom I have had a very good discussion. I am going ahead but based on the link will be extra careful about what I might want to keep. As with all these minefields I don't know how I'll react till it happens. I've arranged to have dinner with my brother, who is another huge support, tomorrow night for backup.

Thinking about you Tom as I know today will be tough. You can do it!

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Thanks friends. It's done. It was like reading the whole history of our marriage, starting with Susan's dance career, running thru every vacation....cried on & off but really hit later. Kept everything with a special connection, pandas, turtles, presents from me, nightgowns I've held onto, sailing...now on train to Providence for dinner. With doors closed bedroom looks same, but it's not the same. The new reality is a lot more real. 

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I am having hard time, 8 months 3 days and it's getting worse. Been trying to get here but not doing well. If you all get this tex has to be God knowing how desperate I am. Married almost 50 years, month and half short. 

People all around but sooo alone.  Trying so hard to make it. 

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Tal, that is so true. There is no loneliness like that we experience. After being part of the team we have been a part of, we are all torn asunder. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Please come here and vent and fuss and cry and yell as much as you need to. We hear, and we understand. It's because WE KNOW. 

And Tal, we care.

Dave

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3 hours ago, Tal said:

I am having hard time, 8 months 3 days and it's getting worse. Been trying to get here but not doing well. If you all get this tex has to be God knowing how desperate I am. Married almost 50 years, month and half short. 

People all around but sooo alone.  Trying so hard to make it. 

Tal,

I'm sorry for your loss too but glad you found this place.  50 years is a long time to be with someone, a huge adjustment to them being gone.  I didn't even meet my George until my 40s, he died of a heart attack when he'd just had his 51st birthday.  He was the best part of my life.  It felt like we just put our lives together and suddenly had to undo it.  It's funny how quickly you can used to someone being in your life, cuddling, talking over the day, we meshed so well, we could finish each other's sentences.

I didn't see how I could live a week without him, now it's been 12 years, hard to believe.  I miss him each and every day of my life.

The one thing you'll find here is that no matter how long our journey, we "get it".  We understand that this has no ending...not until the day we're reunited.  It doesn't stay the same though, it evolves, little by little we begin to adjust, but it's the difference between surviving and living it feels like.

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