Kat2005

I know actually how you feel. My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband June'09 and just this past August I lost my little 18 year old poodle Cocoa. I felt lost. The silence was deafening. I didn't think I wanted any more pets but I think it was Kayc that suggested getting another one. I was reluctant at first but I have to say it has made all the difference in the world. I adopted a little 1-1/2 year old poodle a couple of months ago and it was the best thing I ever did. She is so much company and being so young she is much more demanding. She brings alot of joy into my life. She is exactly what I needed. Maybe in a couple of months you will feel the same and get another furry friend. Take care, Kat

I don't remember where I read this quote but I think it is so true. "Life Isn't About Waiting For The Storm To Pass, It's About Learning How To Dance In The Rain." (author, unknown) Kat

I would also like to thank everyone. There are so many times that I sit at my computer and start typing and then hit the delete button. I am terrible at putting my thought down on paper so I don't reply to alot of topics. Usually someone always says what I am feeling so much better than I ever could. I am just so thankful for all of you here and I would like to wish everyone a Happy Holidays! Kat

Korina, This is also my second Christmas without Pat and I think I am having a harder time this year than last. It might be like Susie Q has said that the numbness has worn off and that the true reality of our loss is much worse. I am so happy that you have gotten a sign from Scott. What a wonderful Christmas present, I am so happy for you. Those little signs help so much. Wishing you and Kailyn a wonderful holiday. Take care, Kat

Procrastination is my middle name lately. I was never like that. On a good day, watch out, I will do everything I set out to do and that is such a good feeling. That is not always the case though, I don't know how many times I have decided to do something and then suddenly change my mind and say I can do that later. I get so mad at myself because I wait until the last minute and I am then rushing to get things done.

I never really considered myself single although I am. The "single" word didn't even cross my mind until I received a letter from Social Security concerning my husbands disability payments. The very last line of the letter stated, "marriage ended in death". Those four little words hit me like a ton of bricks. Not once did it enter my mind that I was no longer married. It is almost a year and half and I still wear my rings. I don't know if or when I will take them off. You just need to do and say what makes you comfortable. Right now I am still comfortable wearing them. Take care, Kat

I always light candles here. I find it very comforting especially during the holidays. Thanks, Marty. Kat

Tammy, You are right but for some reason this year it just feels different. Hopefully, I will be able to pull myself out of this mood and enjoy the holidays somewhat, especially for my son. I need to look at the positives in my life and be thankful for all that I have. I received a candle last year which I would light for Pat during the holidays. I will do the same this year. Take care, Kat

Thanks everyone. abergsma, thanks for your suggestion. Last year, which was my first, I did actually what you said. I went to gatherings and when I was ready to leave, I did. For some reason this year, I don't know if I will be able to do it. Maybe when the actually holiday gets closer I will have a change of heart. I hope so. Thanks again, Kat

I have been having a really hard time lately. With the holidays coming I am finding it really hard to cope. The holidays were really hard last year, but this year it seems so much harder. I have no interest in any of it. If I could curl up and disappear for the rest of the year I would. I know that is not possible. I am just so tired of pretending that everything is okay. This emptiness that I feel is unbearable at times. Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent and I know everyone here understands the ups and down of this journey. Thanks, Kat

Visiting the gravesite was one of the hardest things I had to do also. Like you said, seeing their name makes it so final. Give yourself time. You had two firsts at one time. It does get better. I now find comfort when I visit the grave and I hope you will too. I also want to say, what a wonderful way to celebrate Zubeir's birthday. Helping those in need is always rewarding and I know Zubeir is pleased to see how you celebrated. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care, Kat

It has been 16 months for me and I really thought something was wrong with me. Since we worked together, I constantly think about him at work and when I get home I constantly think about the life we had there. Just the other night, I told him in my journal that I am so afraid of forgetting. I know that is not possible but it is just a fear of that I have. It is like I am obsessed. I can't stop thinking about him when I am alone. I try to keep busy but no matter what you are doing there is always that empty house waiting. That is when my mind starts thinking about the old times and the life that will never be. It is just so hard to understand why this has happened. I know this is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life. Kat

This is the time of the year that I dread the most. I think it is the hardest because there is Thanksgiving and right after that Christmas and don't forget New Years. It doesn't help when you go into the stores and all the decorations are out at the end of September beginning of October. It makes this time of the year three months long and everything is centered around "family". The holiday's will never be the same. I think of my son and that is what gets me through this time of the year. He is my rock.

I can see Jeff now with that beautiful smile on his face. What a wonderful way to celebrate his birthday. I am so glad it was a positive day for you and your family. Kat

Karebare, First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my husband of 25 years on June 23, 2009. I, like you needed people that were going through what I was going through. This sight is wonderful. Everyone on this site, no matter where they are on this journey are here to offer words of support. There is always someone here to listen. I agree with everything Tammy has said. We all have seconded guessed ourselves. Remember to take care of yourself and take one day at time. We are here for you. Keeping you in my prayers, Kat

Rachel, I think we try to makes sense of everything and that is why we second guess ourselves. Should I have done this or should I have waited to do that. I think it is a natural healing process that we go through. The outcome would have been the same and we made the best decision that we could at the time. You did everything you could have done. I learned later that hearing is the last sense that we loose. If I would have know that on the last day I would have said so much more to him. It does bring me comfort to know that he did know that my son and I were with him. He knew you were there and he heard you. Take care, Kat

Lainey, It will be 16 months this Saturday and I still go back to those last days at hospice. I guess it is just our minds trying to make sense of everything. I will never understand why. I will always feel cheated of the life that should have been. As for the holidays, they will never be the same for me. I tried to keep busy as much as possible. They were difficult but I got through them with the help of my family and friends. I can't believe that they are just around the corner again. I used to look forward to them and now I dread the thought of them. There is one thing that I do. Last year on All Saints Day the church gave candles to the families who lost loved ones. I would burn it at night when I would light the Christmas tree. Pat loved the tree and by burning the candle it makes me feel close to him. Maybe there is one special thing that you could do to honor Lars. Take care, Kat

Kayc, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Kat

Thanks everyone for sharing such beautiful stories. Children are amazing. Kat

The grief process is such a roller coaster of emotions. I know there were days when I have said I can't do this by myself. Then I would look at my son and think of my family and friends. They are what keeps me going. I will always have this hole in my heart and nothing will ever change that. When I am having a difficult time I try to think of something positive in my life and most of the time I will write in my journal. That always helps. You need to remember you are important to alot of people and they need you as much as you need them. I know it doesn't seem like it right now but it will get better. Four months is not that long. Don't be so hard on yourself, and your not a downer. We are all here to help each other. Take care, Kat

Thanks! Kat

Tammy, Thanks for the update. I am so glad to hear your dad is doing better and that is great news about your daughter. It is nice to hear some good news. I would love to know the name of the CD that you got. Take care, Kat

WOW! I really don't know what to say. Sometimes people alienate themselves because they don't know what to say or do for us. They don't understand that we sometimes just need someone to listen. I am really sorry that your friend is not there for you. Maybe she is going through something in her life that she hasn't told you because she knows you have alot that you are dealing with. I know it is not the same as sitting down with a close friend but just remember we are all here for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care, Kat

It helps tremendously when the people around you understand. Pat and I worked together, so everyone at work is very understanding. They don't know exactly what I am going through but they are there when I need them. The last couple of days for some reason have been quite difficult for me. Tears while I am sitting at my desk is not unusual. (I am in an office by myself). It just brings me comfort to know that if I needed someone to talk to there is always someone here for me. It also makes me feel good that he is still brought up in conversations. He was such a funny person and they always say how much they miss his humor. He knew how to put a smile on everyone face. He was so much fun to be around. Kat

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! You were blessed to have such a wonderful man in your life. Hold on to your memories .... just like Jeff's arms are holding you today. He will always be with you. Take care, Kat