nats

Dave, I pray you may find some comfort...here is quote that may give you a different outlook.... NATS ================================= Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. -- Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

I have the pillows lined up where Ruth slept not making the king bed so big....I have her things everywhere in my new home, and a memorial/shrine dedicated to one area of the family/great room...I kept a few special pieces of clothes and are bagged so they can retain her smell, I am still unpacking even after 3 months and I find "her" everywhere as I unpack, all the little things, but it's good as it keeps me constantly seeking to find more....I have felt her very strong this week also as this was our anniversary week... NATS

Tough week for me it would have been our 2 year anniversary Friday, but I am thankful I had the time we did, I'm going to have a cookout with my friend Brenda and our children (her 2 and family's and my youngest son and girlfriend) as they all helped me move and it's kinda of a thank you and house warming all in one, Ruth would have wanted a happy day planned so that's what we are doing, I am so grateful I have these individuals to allow me to understand I'm still very much alive and have a mission, not sure what but it needs completed, so I strive to live and complete the mission, grow the new me, cherish the new love I've found, and keep Ruth right in my heart where she has always been and will never leave....funny how this grief really opens our hearts and minds!!... NATS

Hello All, This hits home today, as this week Friday the 17th would have been our 2 yr wedding anniversary...for some reason the grief is trying to break me the last 2 days, some have told me it Ruth's sadness and mine combined as this was our special day after 7 years living together, I have her voice from her cell phone recorded on my PC it's hard to listen to but I do as I miss her voice, I hear it in my head but some days I just need to hear it, just like some days I must look at pictures, and a real funny thing is I have been watching this show on Showtime called "Nurse Jackie" and the actress is almost an exact "Ruth" in her younger days, not the isssue the show deals with, but her walk, talk, looks, and movements it's amazing it's like I'm watching Ruth, my friend Brenda is the one who brought that to my attention....I'm being strong and pushing ahead day by day....

Becky, I am no professional but I can give you my thoughts as I have been down that road with previous issues in my life requiring those types of meds., I am currently on an anti-anxiety med as well I'm on Clonazapam very much like your lorazapam they both function the same they just have different life spans in our bodies and the clonazapam is less addicting than lorazapam but both are if abused...I have been on a 1 mg dose as needed twice daily, it does help with the panic attacks and stress as well as easing the tears most days, I do not think it has prolonged any stages of grief as I have pretty much gone thru and go thru what everyone else does on a daily basis, it has helped for sure as I find myself requiring it less often as more time passes and I grow the new me, my Dr. wanted to add the anti-depressant but I refused as I had been on Paxil and Effexor XR after my divorce, they did not seem to have any major effect in my mood, emotions or outlook on things in fact it may have delayed my recovery as I went thru major withdraw when I was taken off Effexor, even on the gradual reduction....we each have to decide for ourselves, if they help and you have no side effects we need to find a comfort zone in managing this major change just be aware of any changes and be cautious....I have found that meditation, reflection and prayer work wonders and have no side effects except for positive feelings....also finding someone to share your feelings with, here, in person or a support group also works well....I am very Blessed that I have someone such as my friend Brenda to share all the same feelings with, as her Husband passed in 8/09, this is rare that we find someone to go thru this with and I truly thank God daily for her being in my life.... NATS

Becky, I am at 16 months since Ruth passed and it does get easier opposed to harder if we allow it, we all control our own grief is what I've discovered recently and the things we do and our attitude/outlook also control our grief, if we choose to face each day with the thought that we will never see or be with our departed again things are bleek indeed, but if we reflect and believe in being reunited days are much more comforting....one thing alot of people do not understand about our grief is none of us wanted this to happen but it has, none of us would want our loved ones in pain, unhappy or not enjoying life and in a lot of cases that was happening, it was with Ruth, I saw her decline and her fear as she grew tired from all the chemo, radiation, and numerous other chemicals God never intended our bodies to be able to tolerate and I look back and cry as it's my being selfish that is the heart of this grief because, Ruth was not free of pain, she was not happy with all the stress of the situation, she also became so sad when she could no longer walk, and she was not happy with what is was doing to me watching my wife being changed before my very eyes daily, so with that being the case I fully have come to terms that she is so much better being with me as my Angel and my guide....she will always be with me maybe not in a physical sense as we know it but she's far from gone....now that I've shared that kinda off topic rant, the weekends are hard as myself and Ruth shared much of what everyone posted as well, I'm kinda lucky I work most weekends but I still have my 2 days off Mon/Tue that are and can be rough as I miss the time with Ruth....I stay busy with life, my dogs, my yard, and discovering new things about life I didn't notice before, being forced into this type of life change takes time indeed for adjustment some of us require more time than others and part of our healing is the choice's we make in how to deal with this change, I myself am not going to let the sorrow of grief take away all the positive memories, the love, passion, and the companionship I shared with Ruth, I am in control of my grief the grief is not in control of me and I will so choose to face it with a positive outlook and a smile as I remember my beautiful wife and continue to rebuild my life as a new person, only now I'm being guided by an Angel....as well as God... NATS

Hello All, Been away since Friday, took a few days with my friend Brenda and went to the beach for the weekend, we had a nice time rediscovering life again and all the beauty we tend to forget about, I am so thankful for all I learned about myself this weekend, and being able to share a walk on the beach with someone was the most comforting event I've felt in a long time....for the first time in a long while my eyes are now starting to see things again and most of all I am aware of it so I can enjoy every second....I am so grateful for all I have been blessed with..... NATS

Anne, Happy Anniversary, what a wonderful positive attitude and an approach that will indeed put grief at bay...It's so good to see the positive aspect you have put on such a special day...I am sure Dick is full of smiles and very proud as he watches over you.... NATS

Hello To All, It's been a few days....I am so thankful for all I've been blessed with and the strength I find each day to conquer this grief...also thanks for learning to "Love" again in many ways.... NATS

Hello My Friends, Yes indeed it can be overwhelming but finding friends and staying in touch with yourself can make it manageable, here is a piece written on just this subject....kinda of a different outlook... NATS =================================== Loneliness is too close a companion for me to be objective. It has gone home with me on long walks, sat with me on numerous silent evenings, stood with me in the middle of a group of laughing people, and lay across the bed with me as I cried because I didnt know what else to do. It seems that even when I escape it for a while, it is waiting not too far away. We have had long talks, loneliness and I, and I have to say that I have learned much more from our journeying together. We have become friends. But the friendship was a long time in coming. Loneliness did not just come into my life with the accident that left me a widow but it did become immensely intensified then . . . Could it be that loneliness is given to us as a reminder that this world was never intended to be our home and the things of this world were never intended to satisfy us? Verdell Davis

Melina, Happy Birthday...may you reflect on the positive days you have mentioned and know you are only apart from your husband for a short while...you should do something that makes you happy even if it's something small, or buy yourself something you have been wanting...it is still a special day for we are celebrating your birth, a joyful event and your husband would want you "Happy" trust me I'm telling you this as a husband...Take Care... NATS

Hello My Friends, It's been a day or so been kinda busy with work and doing some "family" things with my friend Brenda, on Friday evening we baby sat her grandchildren, that was so nice as they have taken well to me, I'm so thankful for that, we grilled, played and watched some TV, Saturday we went and visited her Mother, then attended a Birthday Party for her granddaughter, I'm so grateful I have these events in my life again, it's funny how you miss those events when there gone...I'm so Blessed and Thankful for all I have....and I pray everyone else will find some peace and comfort in there lives as they adjust to life without there spouse.... NATS

Mfh, I know what you mean these people have not a clue as to what we face each day, but I have come to the conclusion that those people need to be isolated during our grieving because they do not understand I have done just that....also a simple fact I have come to terms with and I'm going to start a thread reagrding the fact we can deal with our grief with pain and sorrow or we can deal with our grief in a more positive face the fact type of grief, the face the fact grief approach has worked well for me and I still have the waves of grief but they are now different, more managable I would discribe it I guess....but you have to decide I have told a few people that have been with that mindset it's not like getting over a cold or broken arm.....so take care and I'm sure others will have some good input as well..... NATS ---------------------------------------------

Tammy, You are strong and you'll do fine, but I do understand what you mean, those special events we all used to share are hard to take without our other half.....may the Lord provide you strength during your event....and remember Jeff will be standing by you today as well.... NATS

Hello To All, My thoughts on this are why/how can we feel guilt when we were just denying our loved ones were going to pass, we all saw the fight they had, we had the fight for them and did what we could but we can not feel guilt for something we could not control, regretful not guilt I would say would be more fitting, all of us truely miss our spouses I'm positive but with me when I look at the whole picture and Ruth's last days she was not "living" as I knew her, the chemo and radiation had taken my wife's life as we knew it from us a long before she passed, I saw her cry as her hair feel out, she cried when we could not make love because she hurt both inside and mentally because she said she never wanted it to get like that, she cried when she could no longer walk, and she cried the morning she passed as she knew I'm sure because I had ran to the drug store just 5 minutes from home and when I came home she asked to sit down and hold her, as I did she ask me to never leave her again not even for 5 minutes, I promised her I wouldn't, it was later that evening she went into shock and I had her transported to the hospital, only because I did not have the meds to keep her comfortable, the next morning 2/14/10 Valentine's Day she joined God, I feel no guilt, only regret, regret I didn't face the reality she was passing and love her more...regret she will not see our grandchildren, regret I can not hold any longer, and regret I'm so selfish that I sometimes can not understand she is much more at "life" now than in the days she was in pain and discomfort.... NATS

Hello Marc, You have found a place of sharing and learning from each other, I feel your pain and heartache my wife joined God 0n 2/14/10, I am getting by much better than most as I have found the "new me" someone I did not know existed and still learning, take each day as it's your last and you'll discover you get a different outlook on things...as you are approaching the year mark things will change I;m not sure why but they do...well hope you find some answers here, there's many good people here with many good tips on traveling this journey we are on....take care and may God Bless... NATS

Lainey, Thanks, I try and post these in hopes of helping others see some light at the end of the tunnel...each one has touched me or I feel that it fits the topic, I read from the link Marty posted and I read them from books, papers, magazines, and the internet, I have found they are very healing and comforting...I'm so glad you found some comfort in them...I will indeed keep them comming.... NATS

Today I thankful for a beautiful weekend and memorial day, It was nice doing yard work with someone again we trimmed and cleaned up in 3 or so hours, then cleaned up and cooked some good food for dinner, we did some sausage with onions and green peppers cooked in olive oil served on a hoagie roll, good food and good company, nice combination.... NATS

Mikaerin, Hello, I fully understand and have felt your sorrow and pain my wife joined God on 2/14/10, things seem impossible now and the primary focus you should have is YOU, friends, family and co-workers unless they have been on this journey have no clue what we are dealing with daily, if you have some close ones that are more understanding of your needs those are the ones you lean on, the ones that are pushing or thinking you will get over this like a cold need to be isolated until your ready....I had but a few friends before my wife left, now I have only 2 close friends and my new best friend who lost her husband in 8/09...the things you mentioned doing you will do at your pace, take your time we have no rush, take each day one by one getting to know the "new normal" as we call it, you have come to the right place we all welcome you and wish we did not have to meet like this....I pray you my find some answers and comfort here as we share our journey's with all the peaks, valley's, turn's and twist's..... May God Bless NATS

Grieving Friends, We have a rough journey for sure but this gives hope.... NATS ________________________ I never thought I could go on living when you died, but ~ I did. I never thought I would survive after burying you, but ~ I did. I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but ~ I did. I never thought I would be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but ~ I did. I never thought I would let myself love my new grandchild, but ~ I did. I never thought tomorrow would be different, but ~ it was. I never thought I would stop crying for you, but ~ I have. I never thought that I would ever sing again, but ~ I have. I never thought the pain would "soften," but ~ it has. I never thought I would care if the sun shone again, but ~ I do. I never thought I would be able to entertain again, but ~ I have. I never thought I would be able to control my grief, but ~ I can. I never thought I could function without medication again, but ~ I can. I never thought I'd smile again, but ~ I do. I never thought I would laugh out loud again, but ~ I do. I never thought I would look forward to tomorrow, but ~ I do. I never thought I'd reconcile your death, but ~ I have. I never thought I would be able to create that "new normal," but ~ I have. I never thought I'd want to go on living after you died, but ~ I do. Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily, with a smile on my face ~ and tears in my heart. -- Author Unknown

KS, That will pass indeed, Ruth did not come to me until after the first month or so, be open and receptive and you will find that it happens when you least expect it...this poem reminds me to keep all my thoughts open.... NATS God, Speak to Me The man whispered, "God, speak to me," and a meadowlark sang, but the man did not hear. So the man yelled, "God, speak to me!" and the thunder rolled across the sky, but the man did not listen. The man looked around and said, "God, let me see you," and a star shined brightly, but the man did not notice. And the man shouted, "God, show me a miracle!" and a life was born, but the man did not know. So the man cried out in despair, "Touch me, God, and let me know you are here!" whereupon God reached down and touched the man but the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on. -- Author unknown

Carol Ann, I pray you are doing OK, I know it must be stressful, but you seem strong so I believe you will conquer this... NATS

Good Morning Friends, Today I'm thankful I have been blessed with another Memorial Day, I will be spending the day helping my friend Brenda we are going to trim some shrubs her husband used to let grow but she prefers to have short, so instaed of paying the yard man extra I told her I would cut them, I Love working outdoors opposed to her which she prefers to have someone else do the work, but to my surprise she wants to help, I eatimate it will only take a couple of hours then after that we are planning a relaxing Memorial Day with some good food, I'm so thankful I have someone to spend it with.... NATS

Mary Linda, Thank You for the thoughts, we all can use those words of comfort...you are so correct we must stick together and support each other....I hope you enjoy your day..... NATS