nats

Hello Bob, I have felt the pain, sadness, and loss you feel my wife passed 2/14/10 after a brief 9 month fight with Lung Cancer, she was diagnosed in June 2009 and passed in Febuary 2010...from my point and approach I take a positive path in dealing with this such fearful event, I'm taking the time day by day continuing to live as she wanted but yet grieve her and miss her, somedays more now than early on...you are feeling normal if we have a normal taking this journey...stay in contact here and you will learn much, but the time is yours to heal we have no rush... NATS "Grief is healing: To take away our grief is to take away our healing. and learning about life after death helps us heal with greater hope, comfort and peace." ~Bob Olson~ ~Author~

Kayc, I think that they missed a good prospect from what I know of you here, everything does somehow work out, keep looking positive.... NATS

Here is a poem by Ruth Ann Mahaffey (Author) I stumbled across her web site and she does some very touching work, you can Google for more she prefers not to have URL linked...Ironic her name is Ruth.... better grab a box of tissues... To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say... but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above. Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you." It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on. I need you here badly; you're part of my plan. There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man." God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do. And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you. And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight. God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night. When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain. I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned. But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand. But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er. I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before. There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb; but together we can do it by taking one day at a time. It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too... that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain, then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain." And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile, knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile. So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low, just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go. When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind; I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind. And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free, remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me. Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author) ©Copyright 1998-2006

Deb, You bring a tear to my eye as I feel what you have conquered, somethng big here, positive energy....I myself never said goodbye I said "see you later my love" based on my beliefs, it left a better feeling in my heart, and I never say goodbye to anyone now as well it's always "I'll see you later"...goodbye is to final for me but we all need to do what works for us...I have written many times on Ruth's Facebook page now locked down except for myself and it is nice to express in writing our feelings...wonderful positive energy here thanks for sharing.... I also kept a daily journal of from the first chemo treatment until she departed, I made entries twice daily keeping everyone informed of all the ups and downs, I have saved it in the origianl form and read it at times and just cry my eyes out but I am so happy I did it and have it.... NATS

Dwayne, Hang in there, be patient, good things happen for good people sometimes it's just a small challenge, I have had to endure the same situation when I bought my new house (new to me, built in 2006)there were delays in closing and the paper work was held up in Miami by another title company but after some delays it all worked out, I feel the same about your delay, it will work it's way out...remember to just "go with the flow" taking it day by day.... NATS

Well I don't know if anyone ever posted this or it is posted somewhere on the site but I thought it might be helpful for the old and new members to understand this process we are going through...I'm no expert just passing a message.... NATS _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief": 7 Stages of Grief... 1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. 2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. 3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back") 4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 7 Stages of Grief... 5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. 6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. 7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. 7 stages of grief... You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

Dwayne, Happy to hear your eye appointment went well, and being noticed again is indeed uplifting, we both know our Lord works in ways we do not understand so I will pass a saying on to you that Brenda has taught me "go with the flow" and you will find your way or over come hurdles with ease... Regarding the faith, Brenda did not have much touch with faith during her time with Glenn and is finding comfort in the faith I have, we both have became spiritual and are finding our way with the Lord, I truely believe God brought us together as the first afternoon she came to visit Ruth when she found out she was sick I heard a voice tell me we would be together when Ruth passed, now this was obsurd as far as I was concerned at that point because Ruth and I never thought she would not beat the cancer, guess we under estimated the distruction that evil stuff does, anyway I never gave it another thought and she contiuned to visit Ruth, I noticed that as the time passed Ruth and her found a new closeness they somehow missed during there life, see Ruth was Brenda's aunt (Ruth was 9 years older than me) and it seemed that Brenda was sharing and preparing Ruth for the outcome as Ruth grew more sick as Brenda had already been down the path when Glenn passed, in fact she came home one afternoon and Glenn had passed in bed...when Ruth did pass Brenda was the there for me daily guiding me thru making all the arrangements and taking care of the details as I was a wreak, Ruth wanted cremated and Glenn had been cremated so Brenda was able to guide me there and if you really want to hear the real twist is I picked an urn out for Ruth that was an exact duplicate of the one Brenda had chosen for Glenn and we had never discussed it nor had I seen his urn, when she walked into the church the day of Ruth's memorial and saw it she looked at me and said Oh my God you picked the same urn I did!! We did not have contact for several days and when we did it was a brief phone call, then one day I had Mondays off and she called me saying she worked on my side of town on Mondays how about dinner at Bob Evans, I was cautious to say the least but we began weekly dinners becomming wonderful friends as we had much in common with our losses...as time passed we became closer but both still cautious and her not wanting to be compared to Ruth being her niece I assured her that was not the case as she was/is completely different from Ruth in thinking, personality, and looks....well time continued and one night I decided it was the time to express the feelings I had building in me so I kissed her as she was leaving one evening after a long talk and visit, to my surprise she looked up at me and said how does it feel to know someone still Loves You....I was taken by total surprise, looked back at her and said very nice...well we have continued down our road of "our world" and have both found a new Love, we speak daily of our spouses and share stories of them, we have started our own memories and it feels good, God guides us daily and we give thanks and praise the relationship we have discovered... Your correct when you say people do not understand our way of dealing with this grief, our wives would not be happy if we took any other route, and I for sure do not want to live my remaining days in sorrow being sad so that's why I choose to travel the road I am..I pray you find happiness on your journey you are indeed on the right path and have an open mind, it's ironic how we both have chosen this path, I truely feel blessed to have encountered someone like you...keep the faith my friend... NATS

Dwayne, I'm so glad you are moving along at a good clip...the helping others is for sure satisfying...I'm off today so cleaning and doing the house chores then later this afternoon after school I'm taking Brenda's grandchildren fishing, my boy's have decided to wait on having children and Ruth had no grandchildren per say her daughter adopted children but they were never close like that, one of Ruth's dreams was when one of my boys had there children she would have grandchildren, she passed before this happened....Brenda's grandchildren and I have became very attached and it's a pleasure to be around them, they had some confusion at first when they saw me kiss there Nana and out of the innocence of babes ask me why I did that, I explained to them that I loved there Nana is why, they looked at me smiled and went about what they were doing, so I have kinda became there papa with this relationship and feel blessed to be able to offer them some things there papa can't God Rest His Soul...I here the excitement in your encounter at the restaurant it does feel good indeed, I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts...take care my friend.... NATS

Dwayne, Once again you say things that are so like myself, always a leader not a follower, wanting to help others as we feel it's part of the plan for us, and discussing what was to happen to our wives with our wives allowed us to once again to "lead" ourselves on this new journey...I have many times wondered if I ever offened anyone with what I posted and wasn't sure if some of the things I posted were proper but said them anyway...MartyT is wonderful, the forum is wonderful, and we all are traveling a path we have no map for, I myself find and relate very much to your feelings and thoughts but I understand MartyT's point and your response to MartyT shows your character you should be proud...as you said we must all find our way and we will, some of us will just find our way sooner than others and some may never find that comfort zone, keep on movin' along my friend... NATS

Cheryl, In response yes, I do use the word CONTROL as well as the action of CONTROL to manage and handle my grief, I decided early on in my grief I had to take CONTROL, it was my survival mode, I have taken CONTROL of some of the things in life I never have since Ruth's passing, I have learned also that no matter how much I think I'm in CONTROL that life and things happen I have absolutely have no CONTROL over, that's LIFE..tires flat, fridge broke, etc. that's when I wake up and see that I only CONTROL what I can and go with the flow, take a deep breath, cry if needed then say OK, just gotta get it fixed it always could be worse...but in short I take life different now, I have started over on a new journey as we all have, I have just chosen to try and CONTROL the path I travel with the least amount of pain along with positive energy, and I'm trying to enjoy my final days here before I also pass... NATS

Cheryl, Yes to clarify I still grieve Ruth but in a positive way, I with the help of God "CONTROL" my grief as I choose not to be held hostage feeling sorrow and pain 24/7 dwelling on the fact Ruth has passed and is no longer on Earth, but my faith allows me to see, visit, and feel her daily as if she were here and I do not dwell on the fact I can not hold her or caress her as I did when she was on earth...with these practices I CONTROL my grief and allow myself to grieve on my terms...I do have days of crying and feeling sad but I reflect on positive thoughts of Ruth not the fact she is gone, and I believe she is gone only from earth not my mind and heart, many people after months or years still can not believe there spouses are gone, they say it every day, but that's part of ACCEPTANCE another major hurdle in grieving and grief CONTROL...I found the ACCEPTANCE very early in this journey but then I had a coach, a fellow grieving spouse, whom guided me along with God, we cleaned Ruth's closet out except for the special things I wanted about 2 months after her passing and doing that is for sure the fastest way to ACCEPTANCE....finding someone to be close with is also another major factor in CONTROL of grief, when you understand there is life left to be lived and know your spouse would want you to be happy living that life that also provides a level of CONTROL over the grief....I hope I helped explain and clarify, sometimes I myself am and can be confused in sorting all this out...I would be happy to explain more if needed.... NATS

Hello My Friends, Just my thoughts... I also have always liked to be in CONTROL of things but in reality we can only CONTROL or MANAGE aspects in our lives that are within our reach...I did much the same learned all the side effects, planned the healthy dietand much more for Ruth as I really thought my being in CONTROL would change the outcome, I think it helped both Ruth and I but the reality was she was not going to be cured or healed and life would never return to NORMAL (now that's another topic NORMAL)....since her passing I have learned that the CONTROL we have is at the least not much and only limited to today as we never know what tomorrow may bring...so I be must one of the few because I do choose to CONTROL what I can about my life and have chosen to CONTROL my grief as it brings me happiness as I have and am learning to Love Ruth in a different way and I'm finding a new life with someone else to share all of Gods beauty with, if I didn't I would not be happy, and most of all Ruth would not be happy as she always wanted me happy more than anything....I will always miss her and I will and still do grieve her and have SUG's but life is now brighter again, God has placed us all in this journey for a reason and we are not to question just follow and I do with all my heart... NATS In order to get from what was to what will be, you have to go through what is.

Dwayne, May God continue to guide you and be with you during the journey...we have much in common regarding faith and our control over the grief...it's comforting seeing each of us progress and learn our new way of life...as always my friend... "God Bless and May The Lord Be With You" NATS

Kathey, Yes you have found a safe haven to share all your feelings and emotions, everyone one of us here "gets it" unlike the people who have never lost a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other...our worlds have been turned upside down in a pool of tears and at times we feel as if we are drowning as it takes our breath away...you will find many answers here let God and your heart guide you...I am approaching 20 months since my wife joined God, I will tell you that life does change for the better as we heal, but we never forget them...try and focus on the positive memories and good times you had and the journey will be less painful...we all are here for you just ask...may God Be With You ♥ ... NATS

KayC, Hope all goes well...looks like you had many prayers that sure helps...Please update us... NATS

Hello Janine, My friends in grief have said many words of wisdom, I can only add you have come to a place of sharing, caring and understanding, we all feel many of the same feelings you are having and will have, Please confide in us when your in need of direction you will find many aspects and guidance to comfort you...the journey we are on has no map so follow your heart and put yourself first it's now you that needs the the care, provide it to yourself...one day at a time you will heal but do so at your pace placing positive thoughts and memories at your focal point...may God be with you and provide you with comfort during this challenging time.... NATS

Very fitting considering my recent encounter.... NATS Apparently, the messages that come from beyond can be swift and delicate and if we are not open and receptive they will fly by unseen and unheard, and will fall to earth, we know not where. If we can catch them in their flight, we will find that peace descends upon us and we will feel the breeze of an angel's wing as it gently reaches out and touches us. -- Linda Pendleton

Kayc, Thanks it was a wonderful happening...something that I never expected, but I've noticed a strong longing for her this week now and she has given me signs since as well, tonight all 3 of us felt her presence both dogs were playing as if she were standing here urging them on, and I felt warm as I looked across the room at her Urn...I am thankful.......♥ NATS

Earl, You wrote..."I happen to believe that my Wife, the magnificent Wanda, would have had a much harder time with this new, unwanted life than I am, and so I have to believe that by being still here, I have spared her this final pain, the grief that won't let up, and to be truthful I feel good about the fact that I'm taking that grief instead of her".....I also feel the same way as you on this one and have given this much thought many times, it hurts but I am glad also that it's me not her going thru this....she was such a happy person with such joy in her every breath, I don't like to think what would have happened if the tables were turned... Take Care My Friend In Grief... NATS

Susavi, I feel your pain and sorrow as my wife Ruth joined God on 2/14/2010...everyone of us here wanted or want that last kiss, hug, smile or anything from our most beloved spouses...things will change as you travel this journey we are on, we are all here to listen and share with each other...you have a good outlook on things as none of us wanted any pain or suffering for our loved ones, know they are now at peace and in the glory of God and now have become our guardian angels...I like Dwayne pray for your comfort and that you will find some peace in the days to come.... NATS

Becky, I'm happy for you and your story brought me happy tears, God works in ways we don't understand and somehow finds a way to bring things in perspective when we least expect it...my two dogs have been a constant reminder of Ruth and how much she loved them, she had a mixed Cocker and Pomeranian when I met her, him and I made instant buddies and my son gave us a litte Shiatsu a few years back and the two are the best buddies, I cry often as I look at her dog as he is getting old and I know he will not be with me much longer, it gives me the feeling that he is the last reminder of her still with me, I really am going to have a hard time when God calls him, but I know he will join his master in heaven when the day comes, I have already decided to have him cremated and placed along side Ruth in my home and I will have to get a companion for my little one, but for now one day at a time.... I am happy that you have found some comfort, keep the positive energy and feelings flowing I find it much less painful if I stay positive... Take Care and My God Bless NATS

Dwayne and Dave, Yes I must say it was an extraordinary presence and sign, with a beauty like I've not seen or noticed before, the butterfly is so graceful in flight, truly another one of God's wonderful creations for us to enjoy...I have been at such peace since this encounter it's really amazing... NATS

Carol, Deborah, and Mary, Yes, It was indeed an intense feeling and emotional as well, I have never felt a feeling like that in all my 53 years as far back as I can remember...what really tops it off is I just spoke to Ruth's sister the other evening as she had things Ruth wanted her to tell me but she was waiting until I was better off to handle it...she told me Ruth wanted me to find a bigger home, a house not a mobile home...I've done that, some of you know I've bought a new home because Ruth's children didn't want me to have our property....second she told me Ruth wanted me to find someone like Brenda to make me happy and so I could continue to live the life God intended me to live...well as you may know Brenda and I are together, both starting a "new life" together after both losing our spouses...I'm not sure why all this has come about at this time but I don't question it I just go with the flow...and Yes I'm truly blessed in many ways, we all are, we just sometimes don't see it... NATS

-- Hello My Friends, I am not one to generally start topics but I respond frequently, I decided I would post this as today about 11:30 this morning I had the most incredible experience, I have been having a bumpy week for some reason as I was stressed I would be moved from the location I work at now to another and really did not want to move...I woke this morning and felt a great weight lifted as I was advised I would be staying...as I prepared to cut the lawn I became very emotional as I gave thanks for my prayers being answered no change in locations, while doing this I had the most warm feeling overcome my whole body and Ruth's presence was strong almost as if speaking to me I heard you will see me today???...I proceeded to start cutting the lawn, after the first or second round I noticed a large monarch butterfly appear and follow me briefly around the yard, then as I circled the yard again leaving the back yard and came back around there were more butterfly's this time many and the monarch was still present, all the others were just fluttering everywhere, yellow ones, black ones, and other colors mixed, needless to say I just burst into tears as this was my sign, I made another round and they were still fluttering all about the yard but the monarch was now gone, I continued to take in every moment of the beauty of the fluttering of wings and said thank you God and Ruth for the visit and bringing your friends please return soon...I cut my lawn every week and have never seen a butterfly once, I am truly amazed and comforted by this unusual experience and just wanted to share... NATS

Sharon, You are on the right path to start the healing and you have the correct attitude, it's very painful I know but we must move on, I had a hard time getting this in the beginning...cry all you need to it's the best healing tool we have, I still cry even as I am in a new relationship and a year and seven months since Ruth joined God, it's something I'll always do I'm sure because I will always miss Ruth but I've learned it's OK...and as I move forward I am truely learning to Love Ruth in a new way, buy taking what we had and building on that, understanding what I learned and all she taught me about Love I am able to cherish Life in a new way and take nothing for granted...may God be with you in the days to come and provide you some peace and comfort.... NATS