nats

Today and everyday I am thankful and grateful God has been by side during these months since Ruth left, and so grateful I been granted the opportunity to continue my life in the way Ruth wanted it....with me being happy....at times it does not feel right that I should be happy when I hear and read all the sorrow my fellow friends in grief deal with, it's very confusing at times because I'm continuing my life and still grieving....all with positive energy....??? NATS

Hello Ksbeachum and Pilla, First of all I feel your pain and sorrow, Second, you have come to the right place to visit during your journey, you will find much comfort and knowledge here, the people are all going down the same road they just have different routes....I get by and function with faith and the constant reminder my wife Ruth would be so sad to see me not living my life... so with that in mind I move forward one day at a time sometimes an hour at a time but each day I find positve energy somehow, somewhere but I do, because I feel her happiness when I do opposed to feeling her sadness when I'm down, some people say that the grief we feel at times is comming from our spouses as they are also sad they are no longer here on earth with us.....I pray for all the grieving spouses everywhere and tell you we all are here to help, with that I leave you one of the many quotes I am posting as they do indeed provide comfort and understanding for me and if they can help anyone else in even the smallest bit It has served it's purpose... NATS When Does Grief End? Grief hits us like a ton of bricks, flattens us like a steamroller, hurls us into the depths of despair. We know in a flash when grief hits, but when does it end? Like the month of March, grief rushes in like a lion and tiptoes out like a lamb. Sometimes, we don't know when grief leaves, because we won't let go of the lion's tail. Why do we hold on so long? Grief offers us safety, protection from the world. We don't want to let go because we secretly fear that we'll forget our loved ones, and we don't want to forget – ever. We don't want to let go because we fear the future and having to face life without our loved ones. We don't want to let go because we make the mistake of measuring our grief with the depth of our love – when neither has anything to do with the other. How do we know when grief has run its course? How do we know when we've grieved enough? Cried enough? "Died" enough? How do we know when it's time to let go of the tail? We know when we feel joy again, in something or someone. Joy in living. Joy in life. We know when we wake up in the morning and our first thought is on something other than our loss. We know when we look ahead with a smile and back with fond memories, and when we no longer dread the nights. We know when our life starts filling up with new interests and people, and we start reaching for the stars Grief ends when we let go of the tail. Margareet Brownley, "When Does Grief End?"

Sad, Here is a writing that might help.....my God be with you.... NATS ------------------------- "When a loss hits us, we have not only the particular loss to mourn but also the shattered beliefs and assumptions of what life should be. These life beliefs must be mourned separately. Sometimes we must grieve for them first. We can't grieve the loss if we are in the midst of "It's not supposed to happen this way" . . . We intellectually know that bad things happen ~ but to other people, not us, and certainly not in the world we assumed we were living in . . . Your belief system needs to heal and regroup as much as your soul does. You must start to rebuild a new belief system from the foundation up, one that has room for the realities of life and still offers safety and hope for a different life: a belief system that will ultimately have a beauty of its own to be discovered with life and loss. Think of a lifeless forest in which a small plant pushes its head upward, out of the ruin. In our grief process, we are moving into life from death, without denying the devastation that came before". -- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

Tammy, I am in much the same position, I was married for 25 years then divorced, met Ruth 7 years ago and we both found the "Love" we thought was not possible, she always told me God saved the best for her till the last, we didn't marry because we were afraid things would change, that I regret we didn't do sooner, once we found out she had cancer I couldn't imagine her not being my wife and we married June 17th 2009, she was so happy that day I'll never forget the whole fun and rush to plan the wedding as the doctor only gave us the weekend to have our "homeymoon" as she was scheduled Monday to begin chemo....she had so much fight and she taught me so much the last months until God called her home on 2/14/10...I found no purpose until Brenda who had lost her husband came into my life, in fact I heard a voice tell me we would be together when Ruth passed but I just blew it off as I did not expect Ruth to be going anywhere soon....but here I am at 15 months and have found the purpose, we have each other, at times I feel guilty but I must think God has a reason for bringing us together and Ruth and I always talked about "reasons" as well...so it is possible to find answers, comfort, and purpose but I think it will find you, I don't think it's something one can find on there own...one thing I've noticed is we both contiune to grieve our spouses but with each other we can handle it in a differant way....we have taken on the attitude it's "us" against the world, she is the thunder and I am the lighting and between us we can conquer grief together but we are also very aware that one of us will have to grieve again, not a happy thought, but we can not live life on reservations we must live life as each day is our last "be happy and enjoy what we can".....I reflect on this and things make some sense.... NATS "You are not a human being having a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being having a human experience". —Wayne W. Dyer

Good Morning My Friends, Today I'm grateful for an evening and night with my best friend Brenda, we are both so lucky to have each other as we rebuild our lives without our spouses, I never imagined the closeness we have found, I'm looking forward to spending Memorial day with her...I'm also grateful for my health at 53 I'm blessed I have no health issues...and I'm thankful I have today... NATS

Brian, One thing about this journey I have learned more than ever is "time waits for no one" so we must take things a day at a time as we have no clear direction since we've never been taught how to make this trip....I do know that as time passes we really do not "get over" as we'll never "get over" our loss but we do manage better, that I tell you as encouragement to continue on the path your on, you are making progress I assure you, sometimes we just don't and can't see it as we feel so lost, hurt, all alone, angry, confused and very sad, with all these emotions flowing at once things can be so overwhelming so if we take the time element and use it to our advantage we progress quicker on our journey...as the others have said day by day is how I get by but the past month I have been setting some goals and attempting to make some plans, June will be hard as that's our wedding anniversary and for some reason we feel the roughest during these times but I will move forward with memories of "happiness" as Ruth would have wanted not the "sadness" this thing grief wants me to feel...I'm serious about my quote a year ago..... "I Refuse to be Held Hostage by Grief" NATS/SW 06/2010 NATS

Kayc, you are so right do we really know what keeps us going during these peaks and valleys of grief? We all have much to be thankful for, even when it seems we don't.... Today and everyday I'm thankful and happy for my job during these tough economic times...I'm thankful and happy I have dinner plans and will not be home alone tonight.... I'm thankful and happy I'm finding my way a day at a time..... NATS

Brian, I went to several Hospice Groups myself, they were very helpful I'm glad you shared your experience with us.... NATS

Well Kay now that you reminded me I feel bad, I am so thankful for my two "pup dogs" as Ruth would call them, Gizmo a cocker/pikeniese mix that was Ruth's dog when I met her and still brings tears to my eyes when I play and love him there's so much Ruth in that dog it's amazing and Goober our pure bread shih tzu that my oldest son gave us and who is a Daddy's boy, they both keep me so much company sometimes I take them for granted, I will not be doing that from now on...when I think back they have helped me thru some pretty rough days...and something that really stands out is the way they act and play almost as if showing off for someone when I feel the presence of Ruth in the house, they get real wound up at times, some days they get that way before I feel Ruth's presence almost like when she used to come home from work...so Yes I'm thankful for my dogs they make me Happy... NATS

Thankful today for another day just enjoying "Life's Simple Things"....detailed the SUV and changed the oil, cut the casing for the new headbaord I built, had an enjoyable evening with Brenda, she made dinner and we watched "American Idol", I'm grateful I have someone to share with...very nice song Tammy... NATS

Hello All, My happiness today was just doing the little things around the house, grocery shopping, a trip to Walmart, then preparing dinner for my friend, after dinner we did some catching up on a few episodes of "Nurse Jackie" a Showtime series......nice evening.....

Somehow we must reach a place where our love and memories are liberated from the painful emotions linked with the death of our loved ones. It is in that liberation that we find an awakening to new possibilities, to new understanding and to growth. -- Roy P. Peterson, Ph.D., in "Memories of Loved Ones"

Brian, I myself will and did not say goodbye, I told my Ruth after I kissed her when she was passing with her heartbeat stopping.... "see you later my Love, until we meet again in heaven"....I also have her Urn set up in the great room overseeing the whole room so she is with me each day....I pray and hope you are comforted..... NATS

Brian, First you can not rush this process, I can relate to your stress, I did not follow any of guidelines for grief, I became involed with someone after 6 months another grieving spouse her husband passed in 8/09, being my main support system we found ourselves deep into a relationship before we knew it...then at 14 months I purchased a new home and moved from our marital home due to other matters to dramatized to go into....the move was rough I won't kid you but I've been here now 2 months now and I am feeling very happy about the move, it's really feeling like "my new" home and my Ruth is very present here which I feared, there was some issues of no memories of Ruth here but she's making some new ones here...we can read, listen, share, and numerous other things but at the end of the day we must do what's comfortable for each of us as we are the ones who have to deal with our feelings and grief....Marty is so right, take care of yourself it's a smoother journey if we are rested and keep our strength up....one thing I did also was I faced all the challenges and "firsts" head on and had no reservations, upon getting past those challenges I felt great comfort in dealing with them that way as it gave me confidence and a feeling of conquering those tasks at hand, it has also given me a new strength....so keep moving, the fact you are seeing what you are facing is the first leg of this long journey that contains many peaks and valleys as well as many sharp turns, take the journey slow and you'll have but minor crashes but you will have traveled many miles faster than you think....May God Bless You....and that's another major factor that gets me by each day, my faith, but I'll touch on that later... NATS

I'm thankful today/now for speaking to my oldest son in Ohio we had a great talk, he's planning a trip to Florida in October...I'm also thankful for waking and seeing another day..... NATS

My positive energy and happiness today was going out to dinner and a movie "Water For Elephants" with my friend Brenda the first Friday in a few weeks since we put things in slow motion and she held my hand, Oh! what a wonderful feeling again...we also ran into my son at the restaurant where we ate, in fact we ate at the same table as they were finishing dinner, we had a nice visit with him and his girlfriend...my son was shocked to see Dad out on a date which was funny as he was the one who encouraged me and said just give it time...

Tammy, It's good to see positive energy during such a tough journey, I have been practicing this for some time now and it works because we truly do have much to be thankful and grateful for.....I start each day by saying "Good Morning God, Thank You for another day" and "Good Morning Ruth" just as if she were here, I have also figured out this grief thing likes depression and if your down things are much harder...I am at 15 months since Ruth passed and I feel a new grief now that I practice this "positive energy attitude"....it's like the qoute.... "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain".-- Unknown Take care and keep it flowing.... NATS

Lucia, First you will never bore anyone here I'm sure I can speak for everyone....I don't think we will "get over" or it will "get easier" as people think..as most of the people that say that have never lost a spouse or life partner, they may have faced the passing (I use passing not death due to my faith) of Mom's, Dad's, and so on with grief but nothing can come even close to this type of grief and emptiness as this for sure takes a piece of your heart, and we do indeed feel as if part of us has passed as well, and when you think about it we have, the part of us that was with our spouses has now passed with them...as far as your diagnoses, you will not forget him as he is not only in your mind but in your heart as well...I know it's scary an illness without our spouses, I have some issues with my vision and I'm scared...keep in touch this is great relief shareing our grief and sadness.... NATS

Brian, We all know the waves of grief and how it almost makes time stand still while passing at an alarming rate during the first few months....I think that's a built in overload failsafe God must have given us, as things are done but we're not sure how and when....the chore of taking care of the clothes is a big task conquered, I did Ruth's within weeks, it allows us some closure and lets us have a powerful reality check for sure, not one I really enjoyed...like everyone said take your time, try and re-group daily if needed I did early on as I was plain and simple paralyzed at times...just remember easy does it....we are here for you.... NATS

Brian, All I can say is WOW, my Ruth always said "but time is only a concept" how ironic you should make that statement...Yes, at times days are weeks and weeks are days during this journey of grief, that's why we need to take it one day at a time so we have a grasp on reality, I like to have plans and goals to look forward to but with Ruth gone from here it's hard, I do/have learned to adapt by setting my own goals as I just bought and moved into a new home so that's keeping me busy, I also have a friend I spent lots of time with the last 6 months but that's taking a break as it moved to fast which is causing grief waves for Ruth and my friend both as I miss them...see I become very attached to people I Love and Care for and have bad separation anxiety when away from them, so I have to work thru the fact it's just God, me, and my dogs from here forward and I will keep an open mind to what may or may not happen in the future...but I'm going to try and live today good as it's a "present".... NATS

Brian, You did well posting that's small steps to healing, I am no professional but I do know what works and learn more daily....I hope reading the posts allowed you to feel comfortable to write we all understand and are more than willing to help, it's a shame sometimes we can't all have a big gathering to meet each other face to face as we sure have some special people here...you are doing well keep taking it daily and don't overwhelm yourself...at 15 months I still have many rough days and we can expect that, because more than likely it will be this way forever, missing them in some little way...keep the positive energy flowing and things go better also....May God Be With You NATS

Hello Everyone, You are all so welcome, anytime I can pass something along or help someone who is grieving it makes me understand more why God has decided for me to experience this journey, I also have found that just being helpful and nice to people also give me a great sense of security now something I never had before....I cherish little things now also something I took for granted before....I do indeed feel Ruth daily as well which is somedays very hard to deal with because I can't touch and hold her.... NATS

Brian, Reading your story brought me to my knees, you see my wife's name is Ruth also and she joined God on 2/14/2010, I am praying you are comforted by God's touch during this rough time...if there is anything you wish to discuss you have came to the right place, we all know and feel your pain and sorrow...and as far as rebuilding don't look to far ahead just take things a day at a time, you can and will rebuild as you feel the time is right there's no rush...Please take care of yourself as Mary said you will need energy, this is a very exhusting journey we are on and sometimes the peaks and valleys will drain you, if we approach things with rest and nutrition our journey is more tolerable, the lack of sleep and food tends to make the trip harder..... May God Bless You.... NATS

I was given this by someone and wanted to share... NATS Death is nothing at all I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you Whatever we were to each other That we are still Call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort Without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant It is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind Because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval Somewhere very near Just around the corner All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again.... -------- Video version

Harry, It's good to see positive energy and thoughts, I also feel there is much to be done and shared before I am ready to "Go Home" with Ruth, she also guides me each day and her spirit lives so strong, while I still grieve I am also comforted by her presence, what many of us fail to understand is most of our grief is from our own selfish ways of thinking and feeling sorry for ourselves, I'm pretty sure none of our spouses would have wanted us sitting around drowning in our sorrow, not when we were all so full of life together as "one", now we must move on still as "one" just with the others help from heaven.....What motivates me is Ruth, still after 15 months of grief in my daily routines I remember her fight, positive attitude, beautiful smile, her laugh, her tears, the funny saying's she'd come up with, the little way she walked, the blown kisses as I was leaving for work, the passion we shared, the holding of each other as we discussed her cancer, the lying in bed with her head on my shoulder and me weeping because I knew some day she would not lay her head there anymore, not as I know it, and the unconditional Love that woman expressed for me, so is she really "Gone" ?, I think not, just in another place or dimension, I say this and live this because if she were truely gone I'd have none of the above, so she is indeed very much "alive" and with me daily....it took me many months before this came to my attention but it is part of the master's plan for us to continue as our job on earth is not complete yet....so with that being shared and my outlook I leave you with this..... God Bless All.... NATS How We Survive If we are fortunate, we are given a warning. If not, there is only the sudden horror, the wrench of being torn apart; of being reminded that nothing is permanent, not even the ones we love, the ones our lives revolve around. Life is a fragile affair. We are all dancing on the edge of a precipice, a dizzying cliff so high we can't see the bottom. One by one, we lose those we love most into the dark ravine. So we must cherish them without reservation. Now. Today. This minute. We will lose them or they will lose us someday. This is certain. There is no time for bickering. And their loss will leave a great pit in our hearts; a pit we struggle to avoid during the day and fall into at night. Some, unable to accept this loss, unable to determine the worth of life without them, jump into that black pit spiritually or physically, hoping to find them there. And some survive the shock, the denial, the horror, the bargaining, the barren, empty aching, the unanswered prayers, the sleepless nights when their breath is crushed under the weight of silence and all that it means. Somehow, some survive all that and, like a flower opening after a storm, they slowly begin to remember the one they lost in a different way... The laughter, the irrepressible spirit, the generous heart, the way their smile made them feel, the encouragement they gave even as their own dreams were dying. And in time, they fill the pit with other memories the only memories that really matter. We will still cry. We will always cry. But with loving reflection more than hopeless longing. And that is how we survive. That is how the story should end. That is how they would want it to be. Copyright © 2009 by Mark Rickerby