nats

Jwielg1017, First I have felt your emptiness and sorrow and wish you comfort.... Yes many signs/messages indeed from my wife Ruth that include... pennies from heaven, her voice speaking softly, shadows passing in the room, the smell of her scent, objects that have been moved, movement in the night, the dogs sensing her and beginning to play in a frenzy as they did when her presence was physical, the warmth of her next to me and many more...I have read several books concerning this "afterlife"...I do not want to offend any members who may not believe in the afterlife or Heaven but in my opinion and based on facts stated in many books we do "live on" after we have passed from this "life", and the things I mentioned above enforce my beliefs...I am also involved with someone who lost her husband and we hear and get signs from him as well...it does not happen for everyone so I am very thankful, as it comforts me knowing Ruth is still with me and I'm learning to love her a new way...I would like to share these books with you and anyone else seeking answers and information regarding this subject, I have read these in this order.... "90 Minutes In Heaven" Author Don Piper "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" Author Harold S. Kushner "Heaven Is For Real" Author Todd Burpo (Currently Reading) Here is an interesting link to some more reading from Bob Olson..... "Grief is healing: To take away our grief is to take away our healing. And learning about life after death helps us heal with greater hope, comfort and peace." ~ Bob Olson The Grief And Belief Connection May we all find the answers, comfort and peace we are seeking.... NATS

Hello Shelley, Instead of wishing you a welcome here I prefer to say glad you found us...while we all go thru our phases of grief in very different ways we all have that common void and feelings of loss, emptiness and confusion, you have found a very helpful group of people here all with there own stories, all different but yet all to much alike in feelings...I fully understand your feelings and emotions, I am approaching 2 years on Feb 14. since my wife Ruth passed after an 8 month hard fight with lung cancer, 8 months from being diagnosed to passing, I still can not believe this has all happened and as I look back it seems as though time is passing at a pace faster than I like but I can not control, I really have no sense of time these days, 2 years feels like yesterday and the concept of time now is different as days are like hours, weeks like days, months are like weeks and years are like months...Dec. 16th is her Birthday and as it approaches along with preparing for Christmas the emotions are flowing and my heart is fragile indeed, even as we progress in healing we will have our moments...I wish you the best in the days ahead and we are all here for support, if you find you are lost in your grief come here for some directions as everyone here has so much to offer and you will learn much on how to travel the road of grief making it a little less confusing enduring all the ups, downs, twists and turns....I wish you comfort and peace in the days ahead... NATS

Dwayne, Great News keep up the positive energy and the positive flow/attiude you radiate. I am thinking about going back to school as well but unclear if I truely want to make that choice at 53...my Life has taken a new turn with Brenda in it now and we need to keep things simple I don't want any major changes for awhile as I am just settling from all the changes the past 2 years...we'll see, she supports me and has encouraged it but I'm just not sure...take care my friend, I'll be waiting to hear the test results. NATS

Deb, I'm no expert but do have input from my view...It is possible to grieve and find a new love and is indeed "heart stretching" I can speak for myself as I have fully opened my heart to another person to "Love", we are making our memories while continuing to grieve, and the "Love" is a different kind....you ask does it heal a broken heart?...I feel it opens your heart to allow it to heal somewhat but we will still have a place in our heart that aches with loss...You are so correct about guarantees so why not live it to it's fullest...since the passing of Ruth I have found a me that I didn't know existed on many aspects, some days are rough but most are filled with positive energy...and the "Love" I have for Brenda my new partner in life is one like no other...I hope you find your way and comfort zone, we were not created to be alone... NATS Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys. -- Alphonse de Lamartine

Dave, I love to hear positive energy and progress...I would say maybe on the Christmas music, I'm going into my second Christmas and Holidays since Ruth passed and I have had some near meltdowns unpacking "our" decorations as I'm preparing to decorate my new home, take it slow and I think you will find after a few songs things will settle with you, the emotions will likely never leave when you hear a special song but from reading your posts you will adapt...keep moving forward... NATS

Well the turkeys ate, the dressing gone and the pies are now pieces, I had an emotional yet fulfilling day and I'm very thankful for the "family" time...I was very teary eyed in the morning and have some tears today but I guess that's the way it's supposed to be... I didn't make the shopping this mornning as I was exhusted and overslept, also feeling somewhat depressed today but I'm headed out now to pick up lights and poinsetta's for the yard, I'm not going to let this depression dampen my day...We had a great dinner and I really enjoy Brenda's grandchildren they bring a smile to your face as they are so carefree, we ate, watched football, and had a nice afternoon/evening with plenty of memories shared both of Ruth and Glenn along with the new memories created during our celebration...well bound and determined to decorate today gotta get going, eveyone enjoy your day in what ever way it takes to find comfort... NATS

I am also grateful and thankful for all of you, Wishing we all did not have to meet on this forum but in another way, I have found much wisdom here reading what you all share and knowing each one of us has faced this "Life Challenge" with the support of a group of people on the same level is indeed special. I Wish all of my fellow grieving spouses and indiviuals the Happiest Holiday's possible, sometimes I feel guilty that I have found a new path on life as I see and read the pain some of you are still in, if I could take even a piece of that pain away I would in a heart beat as I find that helping others now takes a new role in my life, I was cautious at first posting about this new path but I share with you all as a way to express that hopes, dreams, and happiness may have been lost with one person but it is possible to move ahead and have those feelings again with another if we wish, when and if we are ready to do so. Once again I wish the best to all of you and may you find the comfort you are seeking.... NATS

Hello To All, Just some thoughts as I can relate to this thread on all levels as some of you may remember I moved in March from our Marital home due to Ruth passing without a will and issues with her children, but that's another story...I cleaned her closet out early I think within 2 months if I remember Brenda helped me, with her having gone thru the same with the passing of her husband she was a great help, it was the best thing I did to start my healing as it gives you the closure and acceptance at the same time, two steps we must take to conquer and control this grief journey...I had very mixed feelings about moving as I was both sad and happy, sad I was leaving our home but happy for the new home I was moving into, I'm really much better off with the outcome as we were in an old double wide on 2.5 acres, those homes don't last and the property required intense work something difficult for me as my best partner was no longer with me to help, the home was hers when we met and never really felt like home to me anyway for some reason, but we made it feel comfortable over the years by remodeling and making it our home. The packing and moving was very hard as I had to decide what to keep and what to get rid of, I moved into a much bigger, newer home so furniture was no issue I needed more but with only 1/3 acre I didn't have the storage buildings for all the other items we had... I sorted and packed slowly and if in doubt I kept it, after I got in my new home I had about a month of adjustment because I had no memories of Ruth here, no looking across the room and remembering she used to sit there, kinda like "the chair" thing, but with a positve mind set I slowly made it "my home" and began to have the memories of Ruth come to me in a new way, as the house was set her presence began to make it's showing, the decor was from "our home" so I began to remember her on the sectional sitting close to me and sharing our suttle "little things", we all move at our own pace and we need not be rushed but if we wish to expidite the process of continuing our lives in a somewhat happy manor we must face these things one by one day by day, and with a positive outlook we can and will survive and find the new us without our loved ones here in the physical sense but fully with us in our hearts, minds and souls forever...even as I love again I know Ruth will always have a special place in my heart just as Glenn will for Brenda as long as we keep them in our hearts we'll somehow survive until we meet them again in our yet another "new life and journey"...but for me the path of dealing with these issues head on is what works for me and so far it has been very helpful taking this approach...I wish the best for all of you and may you find your paths clearly... NATS

Yes, Holidays are indeed different and will never be the same...This year will be my first Holiday's and Christmas in my new home, I have been having the SUG's for the past week, Ruth and I always decorated our home with a true "winter wonderland theme" complete with Santa's village under the tree and a train slowly making it's rounds about the buildings and lights, and our special focus was our nativity sets placed about the house never forgetting the "reason for the season"...last year I did very little I put up a small white tree as Ruth always wanted one but I always balked at the idea, funny how I wanted it last year maybe I thought she would return if I did that I also placed all her snowmen around the tree no village, it was peaceful indeed, the navity sets were palced in the normal places allowing me to keep things in some perspective, this year it will all be about finding the NEW areas of my home to place these special holiday decorations...I'm planning a small village and some lights outdoors and of course the nativity sets will be my focal point one will be placed on the credenza with her memorial and I'm sure I will find spots for the others, Brenda gave me a new piece for my village last year so the village will indeed return this year not on the same scale but it will be set up around the tree and the train will be making it's rounds once again...I will keep things on a small level as it's so hard with all the emotions flowing...Brenda and I have made plans for a week away leaving the day after Christmas for a week at the Beach and to get away from everything as we build our new memories and move forward with our life together...Thanksgiving will be spent at her house with her children, grandchildren and my youngest son who lives in Florida feasting, sharing and giving thanks for all we have been blessed with, I have the day off so I will be helping her prepare the meal something I have always done since my first marriage and I missed doing last year as I worked...Friday I will decorate the house and do some shopping something I have always wanted to do (I must be nuts), Brenda has to work but will join me in the evening for a quiet evening of reflection and relaxing at my home...I feel the emotions with a great amount of positive energy this year as I keep reminding myself Ruth always told me I must continue on with the vibrant life I convey and she will be right by my side as my guiding Angel to comfort me when I'm feeling the sadness...I wish and pray for a comforting Holiday Season for everyone here and those going thru what we are all going thru everywhere... May God Bless Us All... NATS

BLW215, These memory issues will pass, I made a list early in this process and still have to some weeks, our minds are on overload at this point, keep the positive energy flowing, I know this is a hard thing to do but it will help. Move at your pace to find your comfort zone. NATS

Hello Everyone, KayC, that is a beautiful picture so peaceful, but I sure understand what you mean about the hazards and extra work it puts on those who live in those conditions, I used to live in Ohio and it's not as bad as in the mountains but we had our fair share of snow and ice, Ruth on the other hand was raised in the hills and mountains of Kentucky, we visited several times and although beautiful we chose to live in Florida where we just had to put more clothes on when it got cold and shuffle to protect our delicate plants... --- The Holidays are approaching and I also feel the "tide" changing if you will in the emotions, I have been somewhat teary eyed the past week seeing all the Holiday decorations and the new pieces they have came out with this year, the first thought in my head is Ruth would have enjoyed this so much and we would have had so much fun buying pieces and adding them to our village...I intend on decorating my new house this year complete with a small version of our village under the tree built with her favorite pieces, even though I'm leaving the day after Christmas for a weeks vacation with Brenda a new tradition her and I started last year that's our special time and a time for us to share and be away from the rest of the world as we know it to just relax, enjoy waking to the sounds of the waves rushing in on the beach and not having an agenda or deadlines to meet...but even as our lives continue and we have found a new love we both have days that we speak and reflect of the times we had with our spouses never taking away any of the special memories and with no hesitation in shedding a tear if need be...to all my fellow friends in grief I wish you all a smooth journey during these days approaching and hope somehow you may find even an ounce of comfort... ---- the weather here today is 57 degrees for the high and tonight reaching into high 40's, time for the small space heaters... NATS Now that I am gone, remember me with smiles and laughter. And if you need to cry, cry with your brother or sister who walks in grief beside you. And when you need me, put your arms around anyone and give to them what you need to give to me. There are so many who need so much. I want to leave you something -- something much better than words or sounds. Look for me in the people I've known or helped in some special way. Let me live in your heart as well as in your mind. You can love me most by letting your love reach out to our loved ones, by embracing them and living in their love. Love does not die, people do. So, when all that's left of me is love, give me away as best you can. -- Author unknown

LOH, You will be surprised what you can learn here, we have many people wise in there own ways how to deal with the grief journey, we have a broad range of opinions and thoughts which allows us to adapt ideas and solutions to help our own needs...we all just need to keeep our minds open and receptive from the spiritual aspect, afterlife, and many other thoughts we each have...I find the most single best tool is positive energy and it takes no degree or title to figure that one out, if we are sad and closed minded everyday we will never get on with the life we have remaining, our departed surely would not want us drowning in grief for years... I am one who does use positive energy and am doing so by not being stuck in a constant grief pattern or way of thinking, I take each day one by one as if it were my last, being happy that I am moving forward yet still able to miss Ruth, and Love her in a new way... NATS

Becky, I feel your anxiety as well...Thanksgiving is approaching, Ruth's Birthday 12/16 and then Christmas, the three days she Loved the most, I'm already feeling the emotions tangle in my mind and stomach...I am going to be with my new family on those days and not alone and I am so thankful I have them, but even as I build my new life and memories those days without Ruth will be felt I'm sure...my thoughts will be with you, as I told Dave keep the positive energy flowing and we will somehow get by... NATS

Dave, My thoughts are with you today...when you have the the ovewhelming feelings today just focus and remind yourself of the "happy times" you had, I do this when I feel the SUG's and when an up comming event brings the anxiety about...stay positive you will preveil... NATS

Melina, I also do not think your over sensitive I just think people who are going to comfort a person or be around them know the simple things as they do not understand so we must teach them... NATS Comments to avoid when comforting the bereaved "I know how you feel." One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels. "It's part of God's plan." This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan." "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important. "He's in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked. "This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace. Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ." Source: American Hospice Foundation

Dave, Grief indeed leads down a stream, journey, path, road, or whatever you choose to call it...all the questions and fog you feel are normal from my grief journey and I am approaching my second year in Feb., and my second holiday in the weeks to come, I feel the presence of Ruth daily and lately more so than normal, I hear a door close, I feel her in the room, one thing is when that happens is the dogs go into a frenzy and get so excited, what I do is just enjoy it...It's good you have found someone to be close with, I am in a new relationship with a caring, beautiful person who is also so accepting as she is a grieving spouse as well, for us we are moving slow yet waisting no time doing the things we enjoy and building our new life as we both have really dicovered just how short life is now that we've experienced the loss of someone so dear...keep the positive energy flowing opposed to negative, move at our own pace, and take things day by day is all we can do...I ask myself everyday if this new life I'm living is a dream so don't feel alone, I also have been thru an ernormous amount of change in 21 months that I think is why we question Dream? or Nigtmare?....but we really know it's Life and Reality.... NATS

Ken S, I truely feel your heartbreak and emptiness, my wife Ruth passed 02/14/10 and even as the time has healed parts of me there is still a big void without her...I'm no expert here by no means but I wanted to give you my thoughts on the clothes and personal effects... I with the help of a dear friend Brenda who has now become my best friend and love cleaned Ruth's closet out early I'd say 1-2 months after her passing, I can't remember as it's a fog...I kept a few pieces of her clothes like her wedding dress and 1 or 2 pieces of her favorites outfits, if you do this I would recommend not getting them cleaned as they contain there precious scent, my friend Brenda had her husbands clothes dry cleaned and now regrets it as she has no scent left, I also would not recommend giving her clothes to family members as it will be pretty upsetting to see them in her clothes, Brenda made that mistake as she gave some of Glenn's shirts to a neighbor as they were about the same size and now at times she see's him wearing them and it's very upsetting...other items such as jewlery and other items I have kept they are packed and placed in a special room I have in my home, I have four bedrooms in my new home and one is dedicated to her items...she also had an extensive collection of crystal and some limited edition plates, the crystal is still packed from the move but Brenda has decorated the top mantle above my kitchen cabinets with the plates and silk green ivy, it looks beautiful, so fitting almost as if they were made for there, the crystal and curio cabinet is set to be reassembled soon, I took pictures before I moved so I could get it back just the way Ruth had it set up. On the positive note it gave me the closure and acceptance needed to start the healing process, I do not regret it at all, but we must all move at own pace and do as we see fit to make "US" feel good no one else matters at this point "YOU" must feel good about it. I have a shrine set on her favorite credenza in the living/great room it contains pictures, her Urn and a few special ceramic and crystal angels topped with silk greenery and lily's, I spend many a day in front of that area speaking to her and at times I even hug her Urn...take it slow there is no rules or guides for this grief thing just do as you see fit but ensure you don't make choices you may regret if in doubt pack it away as you've done. Concerning your home, Yes take it slow and make it your's now, re-decorating will allow you to heal and you need to create your owncomfort zone...I started doing that in "our" home but when I found out I'd have to move I stopped, it is now done and in progress in "my" new home. You have found a great place here with many different outlooks, opinons, and thoughts, many have helped me along the way and there is much needed understanding here so keep posting and we will all be here to try and ease the pain of this journey none us of wanted to take.... NATS

Hello Everyone, OK...first what is the BEST? and How Do We Know It? I think we feel we had the BEST because that's what we know and have lived for however many years loving that person, we all fall into a routine and most of us do not notice that as long as Life is Good, before I proceed let me say I Love my Ruth with all my heart and soul, always will and I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat as to seeing her endure all the pain, fear, and sadness knowing she was leaving, but I couldn't that's not the way it was supposed to be for some reason...the new relationship should you decide cannot be compared in anyway to your previous relationship as each of us is new to the other and we will never "replace" that special spouse, but you can learn to Love again as you are building "new" memories...we are such creatures of habit we find it hard to face change some more than others, my Ruth was also a BEST but I'm learning really there is no BEST for me as I am discovering all the quality's and outlooks on life this new person radiates is also a BEST in her own way...I am in no means saying or stressing you find someone many will and many won't just a fact, but allow yourselves the ability to feel and explore your journey with all options open for all of you have so much Love to share, someone should feel that and be part of your lives...but one thing I've learned is "time is just an element" and I no longer am in a rush to do anything, of course I do the day to day living motions but other than that I am fully just adapting and finding the new me with no deadline or timeline and I am living each day as tomorrow may never come...doing the things that make me happy and sharing my heart and soul with a new individual, and during all this our lines of communication regarding our spouses is as common as the news, we speak candid and free both being able to express many of the not so perfect times in our previous relationships with our spouses, after all no couples life is all roses, now this is in no way negative of them, that's just how they were and part of the reason we Loved them so much...just as we had those things our spouse will not be able to share with us that used to drive them crazy...as always just my thoughts and feelings, we all have to follow or own hearts where ever they may lead... NATS

Hello Everyone, I felt the need to get in on this one as I'm in a relationship and have some input that can be taken as seen fit... We both have lost our spouses and have fully decided to continue our lives with new goals and memories that are our's never intending on comparing or replacing our spouses. --- First SusieQ, You wrote the below and my input is below your question... "-could I take off my wedding ring? When you feel the time is right yes. -could I put the pictures of us in the house away or relegate them to a lesser place? NO, In my new relationship both of us still have the pictures of our spouses hanging on the walls as well as the new pictires of us. -would I endlessly compare and judge? You may have some thoughts but if you find the right person you will find you are fully aware of this new unique person and accept them for them -could I leave our home or invite someone else into it?" Yes, once again if and when the right person comes along you will find your excited about sharing your comfort zone, and you will establish your own new comfort zone with this person. I hope maybe you found an answer in there somewhere. --- The biggest question everyone should ask themselves before and if you are considering a new life and love is are you willing to grieve again? Because that is indeed a very important matter to consider...the very first night Brenda and I shared our first kiss and discovered we had crossed the line from friendship to love she ask me "you do know one of us will have to grieve again if we go on" I looked at her and said I know, but I'm willing to because the feeling of Love and devotion, along with sharing one's life in whatever aspect it reaches out weighs the grief for me...I feel my higher power and what I've learned on this journey will carry me yet again if needed and for Brenda, she is an amazing strong independent woman who has learned much as well, including the the faith aspect that I am sharing with her so she also will carry herself and survive...for me life is much to precious and short to be alone, we both have found this to be a totally new, real, journey and we are making it "ours", but we are still loving our spouses in a differant way as we go on...may you all find the answers you are seeking... NATS

Stacy, Your positive energy is uplifting and good, I feel this is just great for you..it's so good to hear and see such progress being made, you should be very proud...as far as Deric hearing you, I just say keep an open mind, I not so sure any of us really know what those who have passed can hear, see, and feel...it's also great you are finding comfort in faith, that has gotten be farther thru this grief journey more than anything... NATS

Hello Overwhelmed, I feel your loss and pain, I also had almost the same situation here, Ruth's Will was not updated after we married and I had her two children to deal with, they knew what there Mother wanted as she, them and I had discussed her wishes, but after her passing it all changed, her son decided he was not going to sign over his portion of the deed to the marital property I could live there as a life estate, pay all the bills and then when I passed they would get the home and property, my wife had several pieces of jewlery that the daughter was to get but when they started "not honoring" the wishes of my wife my defenses went up...I hired a lawyer for probate and they got disbared, my records were now tied up with another lawyer an hour away, I consulted with them but decided not to use them, I remembered I had coached a boy in baseball and his Dad was a lawyer so I hired him, he advised no probate and to leave the the home as it was upside down, and they could not do anything without my signing over my 1/2, done, as painful as it was, it was a blessing as I now have a nice home built in 2006, I have not heard from the children regarding the jewlery since they last asked for it and I advised them if they signed a letter of "hold harmless" for her estate they could have it as it was appraised and had little value compared to what the creditors may seek...it is rough dealing with all this for sure, I still get stressed thinking they did not honor there Mothers wishes I'm sure she is sad...hang tough and focus on the important issues first, do not let anyone bully you into making choices you don't want to make, you are the surviving spouse now and you have many rights you may not be aware of, I would seek legal advise ASAP to find out about your options...on my side they even tried to get the life insurance info 1 day after her death, didn't happen...in short I got everything but the home which I find out now from my wife's sister Ruth wanted me to find a nice home and get away from the 2.5 acres we had to maintain...somehow it all works out just take it slow...you have found a great site and will find many answers as we have many wise members here, we support you completely.... NATS

Hello LOH and Friends, Just my thoughts here on the relationship aspect being that I have been in a new one for over a year now and Feb. will only be 2 years since Ruth passed, for me/us it was something that just happened, the main difference is my new "Love" is also a grieving spouse and I contribute that to part of our success and acceptance of each other fully and unconditional, LOH I would also as kayc mentioned proceed with caution we are all very fragile during this process, I/we have and it's most healthy not to rush...another important thing to remember is you both need to be comfortable talking and keeping your spouse in your new relationship as we will always have that gut wrenching feeling of our beloved spouse passing and we know the pain it's unforgettable indeed...let your heart guide you and take things at your pace there is no time table for this journey.... NATS

Dave, You do not give yourself enough credit, how about looking at it another way, instead of fall why not a stumble, it seems to me you are doing quite well and I will tell you something no one else has, you know what it's OK to feel better...Dave would want you happy just as my Ruth would me and I'm sure all of our spouses would...keep the positive energy flowing... NATS

Dwayne, I second that, Happy Birthday my friend. NATS

Hello Dave, During the first year is the roughest from the experience expressed in my grief support group and fellow grieving spouses, some will say it's get harder but we are all different...what has worked for me is learning to love Ruth in a new way...based on your Psychic sharing it seems you understand and believe in afterlife much as I do...you also mention feeling his presence, I also have experienced the same during the past 20 months and have learned to love Ruth in a new way...I would continue to take it slow and don't rush things the first year, and take the feelings of his presence to guide you... let yourself find some new things and learn some about yourself first, I made list at first of goals I needed to do and I always keep thinking Ruth would be so sad to see me waisting away in grief....I took it slow and used her presence to drive me, feeling her with me as I did even the simplest chores allowed me to conquer tasks and start to find the new me a me without my spouse, I work the list as I can some days allowing myself to say it's OK today if I just want to cry but find something positive to conquer...let your heart guide you and you will find your way is what I found...I also add... I am very blessed as I have found someone to travel this journey with me, she lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago and we share much of our grieving but yet have found a new Love and Companionship, I tell you this only to let you know we can Love again if we so choose, it may not be for everyone but for us it's a continuation of our lives and a new exciting change for our journey...the only caution to that aspect is one of us will have to grieve once again, but I myself find it worth the love shared while here so I'm willing to face it again .... NATS