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Deb, Welcome to the forum none of us wanted to join, I feel your pain and sorrow as my own, my wife Ruth passed on 2/14/10....You have choosen a perfect spot to start your journey as I call it because it truely is a ride/trip with many turns, roadblocks, peaks and valleys.... "How do you begin the process?" you have answered one of your own questions by sharing and joining here, this is a great support outlet as we all "get it" while family and friends mean well unless they have gone down this road they have not a clue...your writing is a wonderful outlet and a gift you have been given (I've been reading your blog) please continue to use it, I myself like to write and I have found that this has really came to to the front since Ruth passed, it allows me to share in a way that reaches people and friends in a new way... "How do you start to enjoy life again?"...I handle this day by day as to avoid let down and a sense of being overwhelmed if I look to far forward, also be open and receptive to everything, once I reached the point I understood Ruth was not going to be with me here on earth anymore, I learned to remember and love her in a new way, I am still learning this so I can not elaborate as I do not fully understand, but I am healing as I have choosen to control my grief not let the grief control me...Yes finish your project, I have done much the same and it gives you a good feeling and helps, I have found a new unopened puzzle Ruth and I intened on building as she loved puzzle's and built many during her isolation during chemo, so I am going to build it now and I know as I do I will cry some rivers but she will be on my mind and in my heart as I do, along with being very proud of me....take it slow we have no rush, you will heal at your own pace as you decide.....may God guide on this journey... NATS One of Ruth's Puzzles.....another favorite....

I'm so thankful I had a nice vacation and a safe trip...I flew for the first time in over 12 years, I was somewhat nervous but did well, the return flight was emotional as I felt Ruth with me during the first moments of the flight but it was nice...the family reunion was really nice and Brenda was given a warm welcome....I am so thankful and grateful for the time I spent with my Mother, it was so special, I will remember forever....I have so much to be thankful for, God has truely blessed me..... NATS

Mary, That's how it started for Brenda and I, friends first that is very important, just got in from final day of vacation finished great, I will post tomorrow as I have a few things to share...I'm so glad you have Tom, he does understand and "get it" take it as you feel comfortable we have no rush...going to close for now first day back to work tomorrow up at 4AM... NATS

Hello All, Well just wanted to make a quick post and say all is going great....we spent the entire day with my family at the reunion and what a wonderful time we had, the family took well to Brenda and we had a very special day....2 more days here then we fly home.....we had plenty of food, laughs and sharing memories, I am so blessed that I had this time and very happy to see my brother, sisters, neice's and nephew's, I even got to see my uncle my Fathers brother...going to be a little teary when we leave, but happy tears....everyone take care and God Bless..... NATS

Ok friends to many days have passed and no posts even myself....I grateful and thankful I am blessed with two wonderful sons, my youngest I'm having lunch with tomorrow and my oldest I will see Thursday when he picks me up at the airport.... I'm thankful for my vacation and going to see my Mother this week... NATS

Hello Mary, Dwayne and Becky, I have a few thoughts on your comments.... "no desire to find another partner to spend my remaining years with" "I feel the same I can't see me with anyone else" "I have no interest in having another partner so I tend to look ahead and see years of aloneness" I like all of you had the same feelings, thoughts and visions, and spoke those same words during several conversations with family, friends and associates, we all handle our loss different as we know but having those those thoughts and feelings really brought me down, it wasn't until after I spoke with Ruth's best friend Shea one day I stopped thinking that way, as she just brought to my attention how much Ruth would have been so sad and upset with me having such dead end thoughts after being such a positive, taking the bull by horn type of person I learned to be with Ruth....so I told her I would not think like that anymore because she was so right, Ruth and I even spoke of this exact topic on several occasions, I even told her I could not see me loving anyone or finding anyone that would accept me and love me like she did/does or even close....the actual thought made me sick and the many nights Ruth and I lay in bed with her head on my shoulder and my arm around her, I knew one day she would not be laying there anymore and cry myself to sleep silently so she didn't know, GOD I MIss Those Nights, but as many of you know I have been taken by surprise and found another special person her name is Brenda, now on occasion she lays her head in the exact same place....for me I was not looking for anyone it just happened, I feel God brought us together to keep us from the loneliness, we started with a simple dinner at Bob Evans as I was a basket case not leaving the house, not eating and had pretty much given up on everything, this went on for several months as it did we developed a strong friendship, see Brenda had lost her husband a year prior, she also was not seeking anyone as her and Glenn had been together for over 25 years, but as time passed we grew closer then out of the wild blue one night she had been over just talking and visiting after dinner when she went to leave I walked her out, as she was getting into her car I had an uncontrollable desire to kiss her...not sure why I just did..???..when I did she looked up at me and said how does it feel to know your still loved???...at that point I just said what and she repeated those words, I responded by it feels wonderful then she left. This happened on a Saturday night and we spoke nothing of it until Monday during our normal trip to Bob Evans for dinner, during that dinner we both seemed puzzled, shocked, scared, and like 2 teenagers being shy...we proceeded to discuss what was happening both very clear on the fact we did not want to be compared nor would we hurt each other and risk the wonderful friendship we had developed, both in agreement we have continued our journey into uncharted waters of a new relationship, both very open and receptive to the fact we are still both grieving our spouses but we have found our own unique type of bond that is special only to us, totally separate from our previous relationships...we have had a brief period of stop and evaluate things back in April as I had moved and was feeling pretty unhappy and ungrateful which did effect our relationship but I/we have adjusted, re-evaluated things and we indeed plan on continuing our journey, after all we are in our mid 50's we have both endured intense sorrow and grief with the loss of our spouses and we intend on being happy with the remaining time we have left here, our grief continues but with support from the other, and we have indeed been blessed with this bond that we have found..... so I would say to you all keep an open mind, and don't say never because never ever happens.....while our spouses will always be forever in our heart, the loss of mine has opened a hole in mine I'm willing to let someone else into so I may share all the wonderful things the good Lord has blessed me/us with... the ability to love, care, share, comfort and have feelings for someone, the birds singing, sunsets on the beach, the trials of life, the beauty of a grandchild laughing.... God did not intend for us to be alone.....may you all find the peace comfort and happiness you deserve as well, how ever and whenever it may come.... May God Bless us All NATS

Dwayne, Yes, I will keep this thread updated during the week and be checking the site...as I don't like missing any posts...I had a good relaxing day today, did some chores and started packing for the trip...made some homemade rubens for dinner one of our favorites.... Thanks to you and kayc for the good thoughts... NATS

Well here we are in June again and vacation time for me, I get 3 weeks now with tenure which is nice, Ruth and I always went on a family reunion vacation in June her family in Ky. then mine in Oh., we didn't make it in 2009 as she was diagnosed and began chemo in June, and of course I didn't go last year as it was first year without her, but this year I'm taking a leap in this process because as I've said many times I'm going to control my grief I refuse to let it control me....I'm on VACATION today and going to enjoy it just as Ruth would want, this year I will take a few days at home here enjoying my new house and doing some home duties, then I'm going to fly to Ohio with Brenda for my family reunion and introduce her to my Mother, oldest son and brother, sisters and family....we are so much of each others life now it's time....as a matter of fact she's the one who suggested it....our Mothers are getting up in years and having health issues so we need to enjoy them while they are with us, hers is local and we see her every week....my Mother being in Ohio is once a year maybe 2 as she does not travel well...as I imagined my Mother is nervous about meeting Brenda and I'm not sure why, our situation is rare compaired to other grieving individuals as we've found a bond and closeness that was brought together by grief ?? We both are able to share our thoughts and feelings about our spouses in a way that provides us comfort and strengthens our bond, we both understand that this bond is so different than the one with our spouse's in fact in many ways it's so strong and intense it seems surreal, we have had some hesitation but have decided at our age's and what we've both endured we deserve to be happy and we're going to die trying...the down side, one of us will grieve again but as I've learned with this grief it's worth it to have that bond and love you share with someone while we are here on earth, and God will indeed take care of things when that time comes, but I have learned life is much to short to be sad and unhappy....so we will be attending a family reunion and enjoying our first June Vacation, I'm anxious and somewhat nervous myself but looking forward to the challenge....the following quote from Marty's link is very fitting.... NATS Death ends a life but death does not end a relationship. If we allow ourselves to be still and if we take responsibility for our grief, the grief becomes as polished and luminous and mysterious as death itself. When it does, we learn to love anew, not only the one who has died. We learn to love anew those who yet live. -- Julius Lester--

Pilla, Your welcome....Let me elaborate some more on this process, I feel I have a first hand understanding of this from a womans point as well.....and here's why, see the new person in my life lost her husband 8/09, he was an avid car builder and mechanic, he had an entire garage full of car parts and a Corvette and 1940 Ford Coupe along with engines, parts, tools, etc., she/we are still sorting and selling items, she has sold the Vette but still has the Ford, while many items have been sorted we will always run across things that trigger us, but she has totally redone their house with her colors and decor "made it hers" she says, I also have moved from my marital home and am very blessed I have a beautiful new home, while we both have dreaded sorting, cleaning, selling and otherwise getting rid of our loved ones items we support each other but we feel a sense of loss again yet we also find a closure that is much needed and allows us to heal and continue....another thing it does is brings us closer to our spouses in the new way we are learning to love them, that's very important....anyway Brenda and myself both have our waves when we do what we must...one thing I did do was kept a few special pieces of Ruth's clothes in a garment bag unwashed and her smell is still present and at times I long to smell her sweet perfume and I open the bag for a brief moment, I cry and feel sad but only for a moment as the aroma soothes me instantly as I feel her presence totally surround my body, almost as if she is hugging me....my thoughts are with you as you take on this task but I assure you all will settle and you will find a comfort zone, just take it day by day.... NATS

Hello Friends, For whatever reason I do not dream, every now and then I have a small dream but for the most part I do not dream, I have only had one dream about Ruth and it was almost a year ago, it's good to hear it happens and I am fully open and receptive to these dreams.... Kayc, I'm glad you had your dream and I hope you find a positive thought with some comfort....but to be honest if you wake feeling the sorrow and loss I'm fine with not having dreams, I feel enough of those feelings on a regular basis....

Dwayne, The journey levels out trust me...we can help by being positive as we discover our life without our spouses...what I have found is small changes in decor, lighting, and habits make the journey smoother.....it's good you can watch the DVD I do the same, keep moving forward I have and do read all the posts here and your doing well....just as Pauline would have wanted I'm sure, so take it slow keep the momentum and may you continue to heal.... NATS

Thank you all, Yes it was indeed an exceptional event, I'm thankful I have these "contacts" with her, they do change your outlook... we are having our sale today going kinda slow a little overcast but picking up some.... NATS

Well tonight I had the biggest wave of grief to control....as I was unpacking boxes sorting items for a rummage sale this weekend I ran across many items from the our place I had forgotten about, pictures, cards, unopened puzzles (Ruth loved puzzles), and different assorted items that set off many memories of my beautiful wife....needless to say I was 100% knocked off my feet with a wave of pure emptiness and missing her, I have had these before but not like tonight, as I was sitting on the floor in tears viewing our pictures, the dogs got so excited and went into a frenzy playing, about the same time I got the most awesome contact from Ruth I have ever had almost like she was in the room, the room got very warm and I heard her voice only very faint, assuring me all was OK, and she is so pleased with how I am dealing with her being gone, I heard a quiver in her voice as if she were crying saying how much she missed me....when I heard that I just lay on the floor in total tears....after a few moments both dogs came to me and started kissing me and offered there comfort almost as if told to do so....anyway this journey we are on is the most unpredictable trip I have ever been on but I'm going to continue to move ahead as normal, and all is well now I really have a more comforting feeling now, I guess this was good having this sale and forcing me to unpack/sort these remaining boxes, one more roadblock conquered.....anyway just felt the need to share and get this off my mind..... God Bless All... NATS One of her many puzzles attached....she built several while sick I have them all framed...many we worked on together...the unopened one I plan on building very soon....

Brian, Glad to hear your good news, I feel excited for you, you must be feeling pretty good about it...keep the positive energy flowing... NATS

I give thanks and I am grateful for being able to see what a wonderful life I've been blessed with... I spent my 2 dyas off working around the house and relaxing, I'm getting excited, I'll work till Sunday then taking a 9 day vacation, I'll spend a few days at home working/packing then I'm taking a few days with Brenda and flying to Ohio to visit my Mother and son.... I feel I'm truly blessed... NATS

Dwayne, The same thing happened last week to me, I was completing the last task of changing the cell bill from her name to mine as we changed her plan to a family plan 7 years ago and kept it in her name, I had intentions of upgrading to a smartphone but I'm also not one to spend on myself, I had done the research and decided but changed my mind and decided to keep my existing phone, while I was standing there in the store I felt this overwhelming warmth engulf my entire body, and I felt the wave of tears getting ready to roll as I herad her say "you go ahead and get that phone it's what you want, I want you happy", well needless to say I have the phone and I'm glad I listened to her... NATS

Becky and Dwayne, I express and share what I have learned during this journey in hopes someone can see and feel some comfort during such a rough time, if I can help anyone even see a glimmer of hope, peace or comfort I've given back something I have found and I am finding, and as far as wisdom I not sure how wise I am, I'm just going with the flow and adjusting to what life has thrown my way...I must give credit to God, Ruth and my new companion Brenda as without all the guidance they have provided I would not be where I am today.... NATS

Melina, Yes I agree, maybe your looking to hard, Ruth comes to me when I least expect it, but then another way I see it is you saw the signs you just didn't notice it....he was present in your son and you were seeing a sign the entire event....I also think that's also part of your calming feeling....may you continue to heal.... NATS

Lainey, Thank You so much, I have to work but I have spoken to my youngest son who lives in Florida and I expect a call from my oldest who lives in Ohio soon these children are from my my first marriage and Ruth loved them so much.....I also had my first call of the day from my friend Brenda wishing me Happy Fathers Day, we are going to Ohio week after next to visit my Mother and my oldest son, it will be the first time they are going to meet Brenda.... NATS

Brian, There's days I feel the same way, did you ever think maybe the wave that's been hitting you may be Ruth's sadness that your feeling because she is upset you are feeling the stress of finding a job?, I have been told and read our loved ones reach out to us when they are feeling sad, missing us, and feeling dispair.....tears are not a bad thing they help us heal see below...... From Wiki.... "Tears produced during emotional crying have a chemical composition which differs from other types of tears. They contain significantly greater quantities of the hormones prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone, Leu-enkephalin and the elements potassium and manganese.... William H. Frey II, a biochemist at the University of Minnesota, proposed that people feel "better" after crying, due to the elimination of hormones associated with stress, specifically adrenocorticotropic hormone. This, paired with increased mucosal secretion during crying, could lead to a theory that crying is a mechanism developed in humans to dispose of this stress hormone when levels grow too high". I also miss my morning coffee with my Ruth, she did not drink coffee until she got sick then we spent many days having our coffee and just being together, damm I miss those days...but now the days I spend with Brenda we share our coffee and remember our spouses, there is indeed a reason for everything.... NATS

I have learned to control my grief not let grief control me. I have learned to Love again, something I did not think was possible. I have learned to like myself. I have learned to enjoy the little things in life. I have learned I no longer take life for granted. I have learned to live life one day at a time. NATS

Thanks Brian....well had an enjoyable evening having the cookout, being the host I had no time for sadness, I did miss my Ruth and had some moments during the day and today as Brenda and I were talking about her I had some tears but that's normal....I'm thankful and grateful once again for another day of progress, I notice the grief is taking a turn just have not figured out which way but I'm in control so I hope it's not planning on any detours....once again I conquered a rough day and shook the sadness.... NATS

Today is our wedding anniversary, I am so thankful for the years I had with Ruth, she taught me so much about loving someone and myself which I didn't do before I met her....I miss my wife indeed and feel some sadness today but I will not let it overpower all the happiness I had with her nor will dampen the new happiness the I've found with Brenda, I am so thankful and grateful for the things God is allowing me to learn, conquer, and grow the new me....Thank You God NATS

Carol Ann, You have traveled far on your journey and are setting examples of how we all must move forward, not to hurt any feelings but we all control our grief it does not control us unless we choose to let it, this I discovered about 3 months ago when I moved from our marital home to my own...this thing of years going by and no progress is a matter of the grief controlling the individual (my opinion), while we all move in different directions and pace I choose like you to turn things around like the saying making lemonade when you are given lemons in life....so keep the forward motion and I'm right here behind you, making lemonade, triumphing, and moving forward at God's speed....here is a saying that really touches on the progress aspect... NATS I walked a mile with Pleasure. She chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser For all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow, And ne’er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her When Sorrow walked with me! —Robert Browning