enna

No, Kristen, I did not keep all of it, but I do have a few pieces that I'll use when I create a mosaic dish for display after I finish two other projects I'm working on - the tie mural and the quilt I'm making from some of Jim's 'wear often clothes'. I'm hoping I'll not break too many things to start working on the mosaic dish!! I guess I'll only have to have a few special pieces and finish with other materials at the craft center. Is your weather nice enough to go for a walk? Please take care of yourself. That is one thing that we all learn as we move through our grief journeys. Anne

Mary, I like your picture of Charlie Brown. I almost posted this on FB! Oh Fae dear, I am glad that you are going to rest. We need to do that to renew ourselves. Taking care of ourselves is our first order of business. One thing that is good for all of us to remember is that each one of us is here because we have lost a loved one. Sometimes other obstacles come into our paths and we have to learn to make room for them. Illnesses are very common to those of us who grieve. Each one of us has to listen to our own needs and do what is in our hearts. We have to remember that we are here for one another. We reach out, we comfort, we encourage, we say and mean it that we do 'get it'. We speak what is in our hearts. "May the great mystery make sunrise in your heart." Anne

Hi Jan, Yet another book. I think I'll just let Marty buy the book and then I'll borrow it - oh, I forgot she doesn't loan her books out!!! Sounds like a good book to read - I'll keep looking for it to get to the states. We haven't connected for awhile. I hate the seven hour difference. Is your weather easing up? I suppose the winds from the sea can be pretty strong. When are Rainie and the girls coming? Have you made plans for the 4th? You know you will be in my thoughts. I hope you will do one positive thing for yourself on that special day, dear Jan. I am thinking but haven't decided yet - hopefully something will come to me and it will be what it is to be. Can't believe that we are coming up to one year of losing your Pete and my Jim. Oh, the stories people who have lost a loved one could tell. Anne

Mary, I am so sorry that you are still battling this chaos in the house. I am glad that the sun is shining and that you have a friend to go to. Bentley will be one happy dog to be treated with that long walk. I have always liked order whether it is in my home or was in my classrooms. I probably border on OCD when it comes to most things. I am one that has to have my bookshelves in theme order – I can’t leave more than two books on tables at one time. I may be reading more than three at a time but I always place them back in their spot! My kitchen counters look like no one lives here most of the time. I’m always looking for a blender or toaster – why don’t I just leave things out – no one is going to notice! You would have laughed at me if you had beamed yourself over for dinner to see how long it took me to arrange the tulips around the house! I kept cutting the stems down because they just didn’t look right! Martha Stewart would have been proud. I think I need a job! Dinner was good and the dinner ended early which was good for me. A small party - five - I missed Jim but I was with those who 'get it'. It was nice enough to be out on the patio both before and after dinner. Guess who stayed up and cleaned the eating area, ran the dishwasher and put everything away before I went to bed! Bentley’s therapy schedule sounds intense but I’m sure that when the house is back in order that will all fall into place. I agree with you about the grooming – I don’t know if I would want Benji groomed that often. I know how frustrated you must be, Mary. You have been dealing with so many things these past months that have kept you right on the edge. Yes, you will hang in because that is who you are. It is something very real to think about for those of us who are grieving. The least change can send us into turmoil and tears. That is when I usually go into my hole – you know – that place where we just sit and be still and don’t want to come out. Please take a shower and make them open up one of the bathrooms today… otherwise, beam yourself over to Arizona. Don’t forget Bentley. Anne

Good Morning, Mary from Spring Green. I will respond to your post above but first I'm sending a response to Mary in Arkansas. I am smiling (not at your frustration) but at seeing such a different Mary. You are usually our rock and you are so centered. I'll respond to you after I send this post to the other Mary. anne Oh Mary (from Arkansas) sometimes I wonder how any of us can have just one or two dogs in our lives! They bring such entertainment and love to us humans. I saw this video today and I thought of you and your corgis. Benji is a little like Sassy in that he likes to stay very close to me especially at times when there are strange noises around the house. Yesterday the landscapers came (they were supposed to come on Monday!) and when Benji heard the trimmers going he wanted to climb up on my lap. It wasn’t until I opened the door so he could see what was going on that he settled down. I know how frustrating those storms can be. Sometimes they seem like they will never let up. I have always loved the southern region of our states because of the lush green growth and the wild assortment of wildflowers that always seem to be present especially after a storm. Now I have discovered that there is this beauty (only different) in Arizona. Who would think that the desert could light up in a brilliant assortment of color but it does. Enjoy the corgi video. Anne

I am glad that you liked the video, Kay, Jan and Mary. I love birds and so did Jim and I loved how he would whistle along with the birds when he was sitting on the patio. He was always in a good mood. He just loved life so. I liked the story of your mom not wanting to cage the canary, Mary. My feeling exactly… Today I am feeling good. It is a different kind of a day. Not so full of sadness as peaceful with pleasant memories of Jim. More than I have experienced those first ten months! Simple things have brought a smile to my face – like Jim’s love of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a glass of milk (I had one today with one slice of bread even though I am not suppose to have bread). I remembered the time we went tubing down the Salt River when we first came to AZ. I thought both of us were going to die as we tried to stay in our inner tubes. I guess the kids thought we’d enjoy it. This is something the college kids do on Spring Break not senior citizens! We laughed about it. I remember when we went to the White Tank mountains and hiked way too far on a trail and when we found a place to sit down we both looked out over the city of Phoenix and marveled at how beautiful everything looked. Sometimes things just take your breath away. There are other memories but the thing I feel different about on this eleventh month of Jim’s death is how calm I’ve been today – not really sad just calm. I have flowers blooming all around the house – the mound in the back is full of yellow and gold and red and purples – butterflies are feeding on them. Our orange and lemon trees have fruit on them. The Jacaranda Tree has turned green and I’m hoping to see those purple flowers soon. Several hummingbirds are flying around and little finch and mockingbirds are making noises. I miss Jim but I feel like he is all around me. Oh Mary, you always get to me whenever you ask me how I’m feeling!!! Tears now are happy ones. I am glad you cut your day short today. We all will be looking forward to your home being back in order. My landscapers are coming on Monday and I am going to have them plant some rose bushes around the front entrance and along the side of the garage. I hope I will be able to take care of them. I'm having a small dinner party tonight so I better get busy and set the table (yellow table cloth with a variety of colored tulips). The meal will be simple: salad, ribeye, baked potato, green beans and sherbert for dessert! I can't have ice cream so neither is anyone else tonight. Anne

This is not news we want to hear. We have you in our prayers. I know that your mom is right by your side. Hugs Anne

I have used this Daily Meditation by Henri Nouwen for many months now and find that it centers me as I start my day. Perhaps others will find it helpful. Anne http://wp.henrinouwen.org/daily_meditation_blog/

Hello Kristen, We are always looking for things to read to help us along our journeys and I know how much it helped me to have information at my fingertips during this first year. This link goes to one of Marty's sites that is filled with readings that you might find helpful. Thinking of you today. Anne http://www.griefhealing.com/helping-the-grieving.htm

Today is the eleventh month of my Jim's death. I woke up thinking of what it was he loved most (besides me) and I found what I think is the perfect thing. Jim loved anything in nature and he could sit and listen to any bird and whistle their song. Today my heart is filled with this memory of Jim. Anne

"Every artist dips his brush in his own soul and paints his own nature into his pictures. " This find is so moving. Thank you, Mary, for sharing this treasure. It touched my heart in a healing way. Anne

Hello dear Lindakate, and thank you so much for the hug. We all need those hugs from time to time. I am so sorry for your loss. 35 years is a good long time. I can tell you how I felt on December 17th when Jim and I would have been married forty years. My beloved died on May 25th in 2012. I shall just be coming up on my first year of his passing. It was such a painful time for me to go through the Thanksgiving and Christmas times. I had many firsts during those two months. The anticipations of those days ended up being harder that the actual days themselves. One thing I have learned being on this forum is that tears are good and there are many of them. I am not ashamed to cry. The people here are so compassionate and there is something so cleansing about letting the tears flow. You are so new in your grief. It will take time. You need to take care of yourself and that means rest, eat, exercise, and play. All these things will give you the strength you need to do the work of grieving. I must go back and look for your first posts. What is your husband’s name? How long did he have pancreatic cancer? I am just so glad that you are here. We are all here for one another. I agree with Mary. The link she posted from Marty's site helped me through many trying times. Anne

Thank you for letting us know how your day went. I thought the whole day may be too much for you. How was Bentley? I am glad that you were out of the house for awhile. Your voice was starting to sound like Johnny Cash. Have a good day tomorrow. Hope the weather is good. I shall try to honor the pain and fear that took hold of me. You know I am a slow learner and need to be told more than once. Remember, I'm the one who couldn't find a way out of the hole I was in for a very long time... love you, Anne

My dear Kay, I’d like to address the section in your post where you talk about your lunch with your mom. It is very common for someone with Alzheimer’s disease to not know who people are and to not know how to dress themselves in the later stages. I can remember so many times when one of the kids wanted to take Jim out for lunch and he’d be very upset because he would not know why this person was taking him out. He did not know that Pat was his daughter. He did not know who any of the kids were. He recognized faces but he had no idea that they were important to him. He could not understand why I was not going with him. He also did not know how to dress himself and could not understand why I wanted him to remove his boxers that he was wearing over his pants. As I went through the late stages with him I would often sit down when alone and cry wondering what was happening to this gentle man I loved for forty years. Over the five years that we went through this disease I learned to enter his world and tried very hard not to show any emotion as to why I might be frustrated. He did not understand. He thought everything was fine. I know it is different with each person but it is very important to know that even though someone cannot express himself clearly they still read the emotions of someone close to them. They know you are upset but they do not know why. This journey is such a cruel disease. It breaks my heart looking back at my own journey with Jim and wonder if I did everything I could to make his journey pleasant. We really never know what they understand so it is very important that we show compassion and sensitivity in our dealings with them. I love your positive attitude you have with your mom. As I have said before you are an example to follow. What a beautiful person you are in how you deal with your mother today as she goes through this disease. Love you, Anne I just saw Mary's post and those of us who have gone through this know all too well the journey. Marty, thank you for the link from Mary Pritchard. I am convinced that meditation is what will be key in how we handle the rest of our lives.

My dear Kristen, When I had those feelings of being so alone I made myself go for a walk. For me there is nothing more beautiful than being in nature. I had a dream once where I was out in a field of wildflowers and I sat down and could actually see myself turn into part of the field - crazy - NO - just a way to go to a different place for awhile to distract yourself from the grief. Sometimes it is good to walk away from the grief for awhile. Use your imagination to place yourself in a safe place - float in a hot air balloon - swim with the dolphins - pretend you are flowers popping out of the ground that is still hard from the winter - sit in an open space and have ten puppies lick your face - Your Marcus is in your heart and you will always be with him and his love for you will carry you. Anne

Thank you for your response, Mary. Yes, I am learning that there is no answer to the question “WHY?” You know that I will take this setback and try to turn it into a positive. Fear and disappointment have a way of motivating us to do something crazy like eat too many chocolates or have more than one scoop of chocolate ice cream or plant six rose bushes instead of three! The cardiac team made no change in anything for me. I just have to come back in eight days for evaluation and blood work. There are things I have to watch for and I always have to call if anything different changes. I feel your hugssssss. I think as humans we always take any bad news harder than it really is, Jan. I should not have been so high and mighty going in thinking I’ve been a good girl so I deserve a reward! Our EGO always seems to get in our way, doesn’t it! I know there is a lesson in this somewhere for me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for reminding me that it is far better to go through life’s disappointments with a positive attitude, Fae. Many of us know chronic pain in our lives. It is a matter of learning how to accept it and live with it that will make us strong. Your prayers are so appreciated and it gives me courage to hear about your health and how far you have come. My strength will come from knowing that I am ‘being carried softly and gently in so many hearts who care so deeply for you.’ Thank you, Marty for this lovely expression of love. I am always overwhelmed by the tenderness expressed by everyone on this forum. I’ll quote Ralph Waldo Emerson who said, “Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.” This should take me a lifetime to accomplish. I just read your post, Kay. I so appreciate your prayers and love. That means the world to me. You are one of my role models in how to go through your life with grace. Anne

The darkness keeps creeping back in: Today’s news at my Cardiac Team’s office was not what I expected! I have been going along fine – following directions, going to classes, reducing my sodium and fluid intake, eating right, and exercising. I thought for sure that the nurse would have good news for me and tell me that we can schedule you for once a month now. That did not happen.Instead two of my tests were not so good. Not to get too technical - my creatinine level (a blood test) doubled which means that my kidneys are not functioning as they need to – and the test they check for the congestive heart failure jumped over 40 pts from two weeks ago which means that my heart failure is worsening. So instead of seeing them in a month I have to go back on May 1st! Long story short the blood that goes into the ventricle is not pushing out to the rest of my body to give it the nourishment our bodies need. Enough said about my chronic dx. I am sharing this because I have been told by a very wise person (Mary) that this too is part of my grief journey!! Today I am discouraged and frightened. I am too young to think of leaving this earth. The reality of all this is – I am too old (according to transplant banks) to have a kidney transplant. They would not do one on me. And, if my heart failure is worsening medicines will not help. I have already made my decision several years ago that I will not have artificial pumps or other devices planted into my body if my outcome is death. My Living Will is specific... I am NOT thinking about death right now just trying to get a grip on the reality of my situation. Funny, one of the books I am reading is titled: How To Be Sick by Toni Berhard. I was starting to accept my new chronic illness and want to be at peace with what I can and cannot do. I have been so involved with the grieving process of losing my Jim that I now have to make room for another type of grieving – the loss of my health!! This confuses me. It makes me sad/mad. I don't want my health to be a destraction to my focusing on my Jim. I even think it is unfair! How dare this happen to me. I'm trying very hard not to use the words, "Why is this happening to me?" Anne

You are in my prayers, Shannon. Love, Anne

Thank you for sharing your story of Mindy, Stephen. I think what you are doing with Mindy's Money is absolutely wonderful. Marty, I did happen to catch the segment about the sniffing dogs on 60 Minutes and I thought it was excellent. Anne

smile, sunshine, healing, peace - what a collection of beautiful, positive words you have awakened to, Fae. We have no room for fear in our hearts. I think it takes away from the love we are all filled with and what is most important to focus on as we journey through our grief. I liked the symbol of the blade that you used from your dreams. You do not need it anymore because your Doug is safe now and I believe he is watching over you. Look around you, Doug is in all forms of nature as is my Jim. I think that is one reason why I am so drawn to anything in nature. When I hear a hummingbird or see a flower move in the wind or watch the stars at night or feel the water in a pond flow through my toes or watch a butterfly land on my arm or look over and see Benji looking at me I think of my Jim. I am finding that I live much more in the present than I did. I like that feeling. I am glad that you are not getting up on any ladder - ever! Please try to slow down and love each moment - we are so quick to let those moments go. I'm off to my visit with my cardiac team. My feeling today is that I am grateful for right now. Anne

My dear Shannon, I walk with you as you take care of your body. You know that as we care for our bodies we also care for our souls. Be brave and know that we are with you. My special prayers are with you today as you go through this surgery. Let us hear from you when you are able. Anne

Thank you for the advice about how to care for roses, Marty. I have always had them in the house but I haven't grown them outside - I will remember about keeping their "feet" dry and using the bone meal. Have a good drive to Galena (one of my favorite towns and you will be so close to Jackie that I am jealous), Mary. I'll be looking forward to hearing how your workshops go. Buying the compost is a start, Jan. Let's get busy and get our hands and noses dirty. My nose always itches when I'm out in the yard and I have my garden gloves on!! Anne

Oh Mary, what a wonderful post to wake up to. It was nice to have part of my meditation already planned for me. I am a visual person and I loved following the path of this lybrinth. Two quotes following the lybrinth in stuck in my mind: "Absolute unmixed attention is prayer" by Simone Weil and "Patient endurance attains to all things" by Saint Teresa of Avila. Going out of the lybrinth I loved the blue door with the cactus on either side and what I imagined to be roses on one side and the church on the hill was beautiful. Thank you for this 'treasure'. I love this revised version of your poem 'The Lybrinth of Grief' - I have the first one framed and near the place where I have my memory area. One of my mantras has been and allow me to quote your verse is: "What am I to learn from this teacher (grief) that invaded my life?" Since we are all on this journey I think it is a question most of us will ask for the rest of our lives. Thank you Anne

I just now caught your post, Jan, in response to my reaction to the broken cocoa mug!! I do not think that the ‘waking of grief’ ever stops. You and I are walking this journey together and I think that we will find that we’ll be thinking of more positive things in our Pete and Jim’s lives as we journey along. Please do not brush those moments of joy aside. That is our new life now. We will always have that hole in our hearts but I do believe that we will soon look at some of the fun, happy times we had. Did you buy the compost? I have decided to plant some roses around the house. I have seen roses thrive in our AZ temperatures. I love the smell of roses and when I have the door open I can smell the hyacinth flowers, the jacaranda flowers, and the rosemary come through the house. Now I want to smell the roses. I know you think you don’t want to experience any happiness without Pete but because you are a strong person and you love life you will experience a happiness that will be different. And you know that Pete wants you to be happy. Remember, he fell in love with someone who is full of life. Anne

I have failed your test already, Fae. I do not DO chocolate in moderation!! I cannot pass a candy store without gravitating toward the door – if one were to admit our failures mine would be having no control in how much chocolate I eat! I could have invented Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or it was really me who opened up the little chocolate store – La Chocolat - in that small village in France! I have no health problems so eating chocolate leaves me in a euphoric state. It is even good for my heart but mostly my mind. I do not need pills. I eat chocolate. I love chocolate. I do understand that there are those who cannot eat chocolate due to health issues. It is good that you watch what you eat. We all need to do that but especially those of us with health issues. I have always been a health person except when there are things I just want to eat – I eat them and feel no guilt. I like many different vegetables and most fruits. I am not really a meat person but I will eat some red meat. I like white fish (mild) and salmon but I do not like a strong smelling fish like trout. Now that is probably more than you wanted to know! The most beautiful and comforting thing about being on this forum is as Mary said in a post – we are caring and we do give love and support to all who come here. I always seem to fall into the roll of nurturer and sometimes I fail to remember that I need that nurturing right now. I know you will continue to take care of your health. You asked about The Valley of the Sun – I love every part of being in Arizona. I live in the valley so I do not get the seasons but I am only a few hours away if I want snow or changing colors. This could be an entire book so I will stop here. About my heart – thank you for asking – I have taken hold of my health issues and I know what I have to do. I have only one more cardiac class (four down one to go) to attend and then I’ll be seeing the cardiac team only every two weeks. Blood tests have been good the last two times. My kidney failure numbers are stable and my cardiac doc said that maybe I’ll be able to travel in a few months. I need to see my grandbabies and hold them. Skype is good but not the same. They will come here in the summer after Sofia gets out of school. My congestive heart failure will always be with me but I can learn to manage it. My sodium restriction is still limited to under 2000MG a day (I have been told that the average intake of sodium per day by each of us is from 4000MG to 6oooMG) and I still cannot have more than 40 oz of liquid daily. This is very hard for me – but I must have the discipline to do it. Enough about me… I am heading off to take a dear friend to the hospital for more biopsies – he has esophageal cancer and will not be able to drive back home. It will be out patient surgery. His story is another book. Jim and I have known Otto and Terri for decades – Terri passed away four years ago due to breast cancer – I taught with Terri for several decades both in IL and here. We were like sisters. Send up a prayer for him. Anne