enna

I am and have always been a MAC person - however, since I retired I have not felt the need to purchase updated smart phones or kindles or nooks. I prefer to turn pages in a real book whether I'm sitting in a lounge chair with Benji at my side or sitting in a pontoon boat at Lake Pleasant here in sunny AZ. I was a media specialist for over a decade before I retired and my idea of contact is to be in the presence of someone I really like and visit over tea or walk in a garden or sit and watch sunsets. Right now, the internet provides all that I need. I seem to be getting along just fine. Now, if I were working that would be a different story. My smart phone is a walk up Camel Back Mt. and ride down the Salt river on an inner tube (which we did in 1999)! A trip to Saguaro National Park or a hike down angel falls at the Grand Canyon. I could sit in the desert and watch the wild flowers spring open as they do - yes, in a desert. When you come to visit AZ I drive you through the painted desert - a sight to take your breath away. Red Rocks in Sedona provide a place for me meditate (yes, I did say meditate) as I remember just how much Jim and I loved spending time just looking at the colors during a sunset. Where did all these thoughts come from? I guess they came out just because I don't have a smart phone and I don't really care since I am getting along just fine with my non-smart phone. Thank you for the link, Mary. You know I love you and my bad just came out about the smart phone. Anne

Hello Fae, I am sending healing to you as you fight being under the weather. Many this year have fought that flu bug that is going around. I think that all my years in hospitals and classrooms I can not pick up anything!! My biggest fear is those shopping carts in the stores!! After being around kids for four decades there just isn't anyhing I can catch. Besides I learned the trick - wash those hands. I am glad that you are taking your sewing things with you where ever you end up. I have saved all of Jim's ties and I hope to make a wall hanging out of them when I start up at our arts & crafts shop here in Pebble Creek. I have also decided to create my own afcan with some of his shirts & pj bottoms that he wore. It is good for us to focus on lighter thoughts at times. I find myself walking away from sad thoughts so they don't consume me. This is just my opinion but I truly believe that Benji came to me through my Jim. He is a real light in my darkness. And he is really funny too. I think he understands 'people' language! Keep trusting in yourself. I believe that I am my most important person. Anne

This was an excellent video with Tara Brach telling her story of how she copes with a genetic illness. I so hope that I can really learn to meditate. It is not easy. It is hard to train yourself to BE STILL...perhaps if I had had the prescription that was mentioned in Marty's post above I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in with my health right now! I'm not blaming - only thinking about the things dotors could be focusing on in their practices.

woff, woff, woff from me and Mom made you a treat too... Benji

Our theme here seems to be about TIME. I am a firm believer that time cannot be measured. It just is. I keep thinking about that when I think of all of our loved ones who are not walking this earth with us right now. Our idea of time can only be understood as we see it here on earth but I believe that time does not exist in the hereafter (whatever that is to each one of us). Minutes, seconds, hours, days, weeks, etc are only our way of calculating time passing. Our loved ones are waiting for us. I believe this. Whether we have lost an animal, a child, a soul mate, anyone whom we were connected with in this life will somehow touch us when it is our turn to pass over. I know we are all hurting and struggling to go on with our lives. I know that my love for Jim was as unique as anyone elses love for whomever they lost. I know I will learn to live a 'new' life and that I have to go through this time just as so many of you have already done. I did not find this forum until a few months after Jim died. I think it was meant for me to find it. Caring people have gently nudged me on and I appreciate having this place to help me through my time moments whether they be in darkness or glimmers of light. I believe that the earth is our guide. If we ever stop to really see a flower or look at the waves of the ocean or watch a lemon grow on a tree or a baby laugh at anything we would be better for it. As so many have said in their own words we are a tribe of compassionate, loving, caring people and we will get through this pain because we are not alone. I am learning to sit and be still. When I can't do that then you will find me on Pinterest pinning. Anne

I do not ever feel that you lecture, Mary. You have a generous heart and are always giving of yourself. I do believe that our journeys are a bit easier because of the people on this forum. I do agree with Marty. Anne

"being heard heals us"..... from Debbie's blog above. I like the idea of being heard so I 'get' how we go ahead and tell our stories.

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Thank you for your response, Mary. Jim died on May 25th at 4:30 am. I do think it is good for us to know that we are not alone in our reactions to memories of our loved ones deaths. I do journal only most of what I write is private. I am beginning to understand that it is necessary to express our feelings to others as we go through this journey. I do know that I am not nor will I be the only one to go through a loss. All we have to do is watch the news - these bombings in Boston stop me right in my tracks and I think of how insignificant my little world is compared to catastrophes that are occuring all around us. Anne

This is very, very hard for me but I think it might be part of my healing on this journey of accepting Jim’s death to share some of my flashbacks of almost one year ago. I am finding that I am reliving those weeks just before Jim died. I remember the panic I felt every time he fell and I had to call 911. I am remembering one night when I went into the other bedroom just to try and sleep for a few hours and something woke me and when I went into our bedroom Jim was on his knees hanging on the edge of the bed just looking at me unable to get up!! That was one of the scariest times of my life. I called HOV and then they called 911 for me - it took three paramedics to life him up and into the bed – he was not really coherent (due to the ALZ disease) but otherwise all right. The paramedics wanted to take him to the ER just to check him out. We knew that there would be no more tests, no more probing, no more MRIs, CAT scans, bright lights, etc. and since he didn’t have any broken bones there was no need to go to the ER. Our HOV nurse asked me what I wanted to do so we kept him in his bed and told them we'd call them if we changed our minds. After cleaning Jim up and taking his vitals again and getting him comfortable the nurse left and told me to call her no matter what. She was only five minutes away. Jim and I talked for a long while and he told me he was all right and wanted ice cream! He did not know what happened. He said he was looking for me!! He thanked me that night for not letting the ‘men’ take him away. From that night on I did not sleep anywhere but in our bed until I had to have the hospital bed brought in with all the bells and whistles. Yes, I mean bells since Jim really liked getting out of bed and that is when he would fall so I had to pin a bell on his shirt so I would know when he started to get up. By this time I needed to follow Jim's wishes and keep him home with me. I knew things were not good. I knew he was slipping away from me. The pain is almost as real today as if it happened yesterday. I hope this is normal. Caregiving is a huge responsibility. I think it only works if you have had serious talks with your loved one and know just what he/she wants. I never doubted any decision I made when Jim was not able to because we did talk often about our end-of-life wishes. I felt honored to be with Jim as he began and ended his journey on this earth. Anne

What an absolutely wonderful day you had, Mary. I am so glad you finally got to hear Jane Goodall. This day has to be one of joy for you. It is good to have a little joy in our lives. Be sure and let us know if her talk will be online. And it is good news that your niece is ok. Anne

I think we are all going to wake to sadness many times in our lives now. Jan, you are approaching your first year since Pete died. So many emotions are surfacing for you as for me. May is not going to be an easy month for either one of us. I know there is no way to prepare for this so what I am going to try to do is open myself to any feeling that comes and try to remember what others have said – feelings are just feelings. I would consider it a major move forward if I could only sit and be still and let the pain enter and then leave. I cry so easily thinking of so many wonderful memories. I know Jim is not here physically but he is with me. He is in my very being. I carry him in my heart so as long as this heart beats Jim will be in me. This is NOT as I want it to be but it is the new reality. We will and do see glimmers of light, Jan. I am sure others can share with us those first years without their loved one. I can think of many glimmers of light that we have shared – visiting grandchildren, walking with Keilbi or Benji or Arlie or Bentley or our two corgis: Sassy & Faith, getting our hands dirty in the flower beds, watching the moon or the weather changes. I believe that our loved ones are with us as we sit quietly reading, drinking tea or sipping wine, listening to music, watching the stars appear, picking up poop in the yard before garbage day (for me that would be Sunday)! I do talk to Jim when I’m doing that. My dear Kay, we do not know where any of us are headed. I would like to be as graceful and beautiful as you are right now. Whatever comes our way we will be ready for we all have suffered so much. No suffering can be compared so I just like to think that if we accept what comes our way with grace then we will be all right. Those who have been on this journey can hear what we are saying and they know that our lives will never be the same. Anne

Please everyone take care of yourselves. Don't forget the fluids and tender loving care of your bodies. We are a fragile bunch and we can pick up most anything. My thoughts are with all who are under the weather. Sending hugs to all. Anne

I just lost a post that I wrote. As I copied it from Word, and started to paste it to this thread it just went puff!!! Strange… Fae, I also believe that we do not choose when the light returns. I only know that there is much more darkness for me right now. For the first two months I thought I had died along with Jim. I can’t even tell anyone what happened or where I was for those months. I know I went to my daughter’s for several weeks. I know I returned to AZ and spent time doing paper work that never seemed to end. I think I cried. I think I ate. What I remembered most was wondering when Jim was going to come home. I do not ever recall feeling the pain that consumes me right now. Today I am feeling more with the heart than the mind. I still try to be in control – having answers for every little thing. I function better when I don’t allow the heart to take over but it is slowly taking over. And if that is a good I just want to tell you that it hurts deeply and I don’t like this pain! Kay, my prayers seems to be that of ‘being still.’ I used to jump up and busy myself when painful thoughts came into my head. Now I try to stay and be still. I am trying to talk more about me and how I feel but it is foreign to me. I would rather be in the roll of listener and nurturer where I am more comfortable. As Jan mentioned about waiting at the door for Keilbi to wee and turning back to go into the house to be with Pete – it doesn’t happen. When I sit on the patio in the evening and watch the sunset and wait for the darkness it is not the same without Jim. As Kay works around the house getting all the chores done I’m sure she is wishing that George would be there to keep her company and help her. Mary’s house is waiting to be painted and things are piled up and memories of when she first moved in with Bill sent her reeling. As Nats entered into a new relationship with Brenda his memories of his dear Ruth reminded him of the ‘new person’ he is becoming. And you Fae are right there with the rest of us. Who would not miss sitting outdoors and watching the beautiful Montana landscapes with Doug! We are all of us forever changed. And no one really knows what we are going through because we do not wear black. Everything is inside or invisible as Mary said. This place gives us a way to share our pain and darkness and hopefully our glimmers of light. Anne

Discipline – it seems that so many things we do in our lives require discipline. The link Marty gave us about establishing a daily meditation practice to maintain a healthy mind rings true here. I found tip # 8 – keeping an “excuse book” close at hand interesting. I am always finding excuses for delaying meditation. If I were to write down WHY I really would not have a good excuse – just an excuse. Discipline requires training the mind to stay still and that will take a lifetime for me. Thank you, Mary, for the link to Sound True – I use this link and do find that it is easier for me to listen to background music as I attempt to meditate or else it is just another excuse for me to fall asleep! fae - I did not know you had the flu! Is that in another post? Anne

Mary, I am glad that you enjoyed the play. Is it spring yet in Spring Green? Enjoy your Sunday. Fae, thank you for sharing part of your life here on our forum. I do feel that this is our forum led by a very wise 'chief' and filled with so many extended family members. When we open our hearts to another's situation it moves us along on our own journey and shows us that we are all one family in a way. I am not happy that I am here for the reason I am here but I am grateful that I walk with others. It helps me accept the pain that is in my heart. Anne

Hello again, Nats, and thank you for being here to respond to my post. I flashed back when I saw your name and remembered how much comfort I received after reading your first post. In deed, darkness does come before the dawn. We sometimes forget that there are others who are taking this journey right along with us. I continue to be amazed at how sensitive people on this site are for everyone reaches out to give a hand, an ear, or words of wisdom to one another in their grief. I like your idea of finding ‘new meanings” if we are only patient and take the time to nurture our broken hearts. I know how much you loved Ruth and you are now finding new life with your Brenda. How wonderful for you. My goal will be to learn how to be patient and go through this pain with dignity knowing that it will all turn out however it will, according to God’s plan for me. I think my faith is strong but I am so weak that my weakness has brought me right to my knees. On my knees I do not ‘pray’ I only remain motionless unable to be positive or thankful waiting for the slightest bit of light. I know it is within me to get up and do something about this lack of gratefulness and I try even though I do not see yet where it is taking me. I know I am not alone in this struggle and this does give me some comfort. Not that I want others to feel this pain just that I have others walking beside me is enough for me NOT to fall apart. Anne

Sending you a ray of sunshine as you heal. I continue to keep you and Leo in my prayers. Anne

Fae, I am looking for the time when hope does become a reality to me. Usually I am an optimistic person so I am having a hard time walking through the negatives right now. I will keep in mind your comment about keeping the 'tiny ember' alive when I do get a spark of hope. Some of us are just too close to our loss...it is hard not to focus on the pain. Jan, you will enjoy the good weather you are having because that is in your nature. We are all here walking this journey together. Anne

I have a long way to go before I can 'embrace' pain. I know it does not define me but right now it sure consumes me. Perhaps years from now I can look back and say to myself, "See silly girl, everything turned out all right!"

My dear Kay, yes, I think you posted about George’s Christmas stocking before. I know I read about this type of thing and for me I liked the idea of The Box. I am glad I did not wait until May 25th to read some of the notes. They touched my heart and at the same time made me miss Jim even more. I really have tried to accept what is happening in the moment but being very weak I find I am always struggling with accepting what’s happening right now. I’ve been a good one for giving advice to others about keeping your chin up and being positive but I am a very poor example to my own words. I think we focus on ourselves because we do spend so much time alone even though we are doing for others we still have our homes to go to and often we are alone in our homes. I never felt aloneness until Jim died. Now I am struggling with this even though I know I’m not really alone. It is very difficult to live in the moment. I still continue to be so impatient. If I had the power to change one thing about me it would be to be more patient and to believe that I am loveable. You are a treasure I appreciate, Kay. I have received strength from many on this forum. I know I have not walked alone. And I know that we are all in our own pain. Anne

It is about time that your grass is starting to show signs of spring. And I think it really is a positive that those geese are gone from your bathroom. Anne

thank you, Mary... pain is not something I would ever wish on anyone - you have been a source of encouragement to all here on this forum - anne

The quote you mentioned about 'shutting down' is from your response to me, Mary. I was trying to say that it is important to me NOT to shut down as different obstacles enter our paths as we move through our grief. It is not in my nature to be negative so I struggle with the negative thoughts instead of letting them just be or accept them. Another quote I found today: “Wounding and healing are not opposites. They're part of the same thing. It is our wounds that enable us to be compassionate with the wounds of others. It is our limitations that make us kind to the limitations of other people. It is our loneliness that helps us to to find other people or to even know they're alone with an illness. I think I have served people perfectly with parts of myself I used to be ashamed of. ” ― Rachel Naomi Remen I like the idea that 'wounding and healing are not opposites.' Anne

Mary, thank you for saying in words what is in my heart just not in my action just yet! Hope is what keeps us moving and the essay Marty posted was very thought provoking - my meditation for the first part of this day. I know I have not only much to be grateful for but I also believe that I have a contribution still to make in this world of ours. Your willingness to express your journey has given me hope to continue on my journey. It's the pain that I could never have imagined one could feel after the death of a loved one that has taken me by surprise! My hope today will have to be that this pain eases up down the line. Anne Thank you Marty for the early meditation essay. It needs more than one read from me. I am one of the slower members of this 'tribe'.