enna

I have failed your test already, Fae. I do not DO chocolate in moderation!! I cannot pass a candy store without gravitating toward the door – if one were to admit our failures mine would be having no control in how much chocolate I eat! I could have invented Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or it was really me who opened up the little chocolate store – La Chocolat - in that small village in France! I have no health problems so eating chocolate leaves me in a euphoric state. It is even good for my heart but mostly my mind. I do not need pills. I eat chocolate. I love chocolate. I do understand that there are those who cannot eat chocolate due to health issues. It is good that you watch what you eat. We all need to do that but especially those of us with health issues. I have always been a health person except when there are things I just want to eat – I eat them and feel no guilt. I like many different vegetables and most fruits. I am not really a meat person but I will eat some red meat. I like white fish (mild) and salmon but I do not like a strong smelling fish like trout. Now that is probably more than you wanted to know! The most beautiful and comforting thing about being on this forum is as Mary said in a post – we are caring and we do give love and support to all who come here. I always seem to fall into the roll of nurturer and sometimes I fail to remember that I need that nurturing right now. I know you will continue to take care of your health. You asked about The Valley of the Sun – I love every part of being in Arizona. I live in the valley so I do not get the seasons but I am only a few hours away if I want snow or changing colors. This could be an entire book so I will stop here. About my heart – thank you for asking – I have taken hold of my health issues and I know what I have to do. I have only one more cardiac class (four down one to go) to attend and then I’ll be seeing the cardiac team only every two weeks. Blood tests have been good the last two times. My kidney failure numbers are stable and my cardiac doc said that maybe I’ll be able to travel in a few months. I need to see my grandbabies and hold them. Skype is good but not the same. They will come here in the summer after Sofia gets out of school. My congestive heart failure will always be with me but I can learn to manage it. My sodium restriction is still limited to under 2000MG a day (I have been told that the average intake of sodium per day by each of us is from 4000MG to 6oooMG) and I still cannot have more than 40 oz of liquid daily. This is very hard for me – but I must have the discipline to do it. Enough about me… I am heading off to take a dear friend to the hospital for more biopsies – he has esophageal cancer and will not be able to drive back home. It will be out patient surgery. His story is another book. Jim and I have known Otto and Terri for decades – Terri passed away four years ago due to breast cancer – I taught with Terri for several decades both in IL and here. We were like sisters. Send up a prayer for him. Anne

I have no magic words of wisdom except to say that we will have to 'feel' the pain of loss before we reach that place where we can take that loss and make it part of our new life. Somewhere down the line that will happen because we are strong. We can make it through any challenge. I have always found chocolate anything solves many of my moments of despair especially if we can't change the outcome of our new lives! Anne

Thank you for all your responses. I guess 'triggers' come in all shapes and sizes. Funny how we don't think about these things until that one memento flashes in front of us and than vulnerability sets in and we need to release all the emotions that come with it. I appreciate all the virtual hugs. It's amazing how warm one feels when so many arms are around you. I can't believe some of you still have snow on the ground! Anne

“Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report written on birds that he'd had three months to write, which was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books about birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, "Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.” Anne Lamott Reminds me of our grief - minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.... Anne

It Doesn’t Make Sense Out of the blue and for no reason at all I had a meltdown over a cocoa mug I knocked off the counter that Jim drank from for years. There was a pair – both blue with snowmen on the outside and snowflakes on the inside. I would make hot cocoa at night when Jim could not sleep. It was a special time for us. I think Jim used to wake up on purpose just to have that mug of cocoa with me! I don’t know why it sent me into an emotional outburst. You would have thought that someone was hurting me the way I carried on – thank goodness it was warm enough to have the air on and the doors and windows were closed or there would have been just a few people ringing my doorbell! Benji did not know what happened! He kept following me around until I settled down and then he sat right by me for a very long time. My therapy!! I’m sure it wasn’t the mug that sent me into deep despair for a few hours. I know that it was part of my Jim. It tugged at my heart to the point that I wept like a kid having a tantrum. I did not even feel foolish. I just had to let the emotion move through my body. This is when grief really sucks. No one can understand it unless you are grieving for a loved one. Most would say ‘get over it, it was just a mug!’ I am still at the stage where I find it very hard to sort through things that were so Jim. There is a long sleeved white tee that he wore to the point of the neck and sleeves being frayed and I just can’t throw it out or use it as a cleaning rag! I tried to wear it around the house but we women have boobs and the tee was only a large in men’s – no room for the boobs! Today I can smile at my outburst of yesterday. We are so fragile. Is this sense of vulnerability going to be with me for the rest of my life? Will I always be right on the edge of falling apart over ‘things’? Perhaps I will not react so strongly over the next ‘treasure’ but then again maybe I will. It tugs at the heart and as long as our hearts are beating I guess we’ll be vulnerable! I know I’m not alone in this grief experience. Anne

Refreshing - loved the picture - thanks Marty.

Pleasantly surprised to find you on this thread but so glad you are looking around the different ones. That is how we get our strength. I cannot answer any questions that begin with WHY? I used to ask and have learned that it is just how life is – think of who we would be if we could answer that WHY question! You will cry and be mad during this journey and that is all right. People do mean well and they really don’t ‘get it’ so we have to accept their kindness and just accept that they do not understand. It is too soon for you to have things all together right now. Many of us are months and years into our grief yet we do move through this Kristen… each at our own pace and not without much work. Remember, slow and breathe, slow and breathe. That is what I have learned here. You will love Jan – we are two peas in a pod – both of us have lost our loves around the same time. Both of us will be remembering our first year without our Pete and Jim this May. Believe it or not both of us are moving through our journeys with our Pete and Jim right in our hearts as you will always keep Marcus. Hugs Anne

Seems to be my day for reading and listening to my inner self. I found this in my e-mail today and thought it worth sharing. Again the topic - why meditate? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kripalu/jack-kornfield_b_3098879.html

Of course you should be here, Kristen. You will find love and comfort here. All are welcome and we share what we want to. The picture of your ferret is so cute. Is your business named after your ferret? I'm glad you liked Benji's picture. He does not look that way today. He is five and eight months old. Your business sounds very interesting. I thought I would be a veterinarian when I grew up but life took me in a different direction and instead I was a nurse for a while and then changed to teaching. My teacher profession lasted for over four decades! I taught middle school through high school for most of my career and then took to mentoring teachers and working with them in technology integration. Hugs. Anne

Hello again, dear Kristen. That is one thing that I have become very aware of since I’ve been on the forum – we are not alone. There is great comfort to not only know that but to actually feel it. Many times it will bring tears to your eyes but that is good because we are told that tears are good for us – releases those toxins and gives us a chance to breath a little better. We do have to remember to think of one day or one hour or even minutes at a time as we try to grasp what has happened to us. Marcus must have been such a beautiful person. The two of you were so young in love. When you are very quiet I bet you can even feel his arms around you. It is what is in our imaginations. Many times I have felt my Jim’s hand in mine and saw his twinkling eyes just look at me. He did that a lot during his last months of life. I hold on to the good memories but it has taken me awhile to get to that place. What you are feeling is all normal grief right now, Kristen. Nothing you say sounds ‘awful.’ Your feelings are real but they will change over time. I like the picture you chose for your posts. Here is a picture of my Benji (before his hair cut) whom I rescued in January. He is a Shipperke/Poodle mix. He came into my life at the right time and I love him. Anne

In my readings this morning I came across this article that I found most interesting and wanted to share it. As a neophyte (well almost) in meditation – at least in mindfulness - I found this answer to ‘Why Meditate’ by Sakkyong Mipham Rinpoche to be helpful to me: Why Meditate? “Meditation is based on the premise that the natural state of the mind is calm and clear. It provides a way to train our mind to settle into this state. Our first reason for meditating might be that we want some freedom from our agitated mind. We want to discover the basic goodness of our natural mind. To do this requires us first to slow down and experience our mind as it is. In the process, we get to know how our mind works. We see that wherever the mind is abiding—in anger, in desire, in jealousy, or in peace—that is where we also are abiding. We begin to see that we have a choice in the matter: we do not have to act at the whim of every thought. We can abide peacefully. Meditation is a way to slow down and see how our mind works. The untrained mind is like a wild horse. It runs away when we try to find it, shies when we try to approach it. If we find a way to ride it, it takes off with the bit in its teeth and finally throws us right into the mud. There is potential for communication and rapport between horse and rider, between mind and self, but the horse needs to be trained to be a willing participant in that relationship. We train our minds with shamatha practice, the simple form of sitting meditation. Shamatha is a Sanskrit word that means "peacefully abiding." Like all types of meditation, it rests upon two basic principles, known in Tibetan as ngotro and gom. Ngotro refers to "being introduced" to the object of meditation, while gom is "becoming familiar." In shamatha practice, we are introduced to and become familiar with the simple act of breathing. This is our object of concentration, the place we return to again and again when the mind has run off and we find ourselves clutching the horse's neck, hoping we won't end up too far from home. The untrained mind is weak and inflexible. It lives in a zone of comfort. When the boundaries of that zone are challenged, it reacts by becoming more rigid. In contrast, the trained mind is strong, flexible, and workable. Because it can stretch beyond where it feels comfortable, it's responsive—not reactive—to challenges. Through shamatha we can train our mind to be flexible and tuned in to what's happening now. We can apply this workable mind in all aspects of our lives, including our livelihood, our relationships, and our spiritual path. So another reason to meditate is to develop a strong, supple mind that we can put to work.” Anne

Thank you, Mary. I have a section of my office set up for where I meditate. It helps me to be able to elevate my feet so I have a lazy boy chair big enough to stretch out in and also Jim's favorite straight back chair that I find so comfortable. I also have gone out in the yard and sat on a swing surrounded by AZ flowers, cacti, and trees. This becomes a little tricky when the hummingbirds are buzzing around the hibiscus bushes and the mockingbirds are going at it with song! It's easy for the eyes to close especially if I am listening to guided meditations! Do you see why I have some difficulty being still! I will go to your link above later. I think I have already seen it. Again, thank you for all you share. Anne

Dear Kristin, I am so sorry for the loss of your Marcus. You will find here that we love having our loved ones names mentioned. I can’t say my Jim’s name enough. It makes me feel good when other people mention his name also. We here on this forum have one thing in common and that is our soulmates are no longer physically here with us. I can assure you that you will not upset anyone by telling your story here. This is a place we come to open ourselves to the love that flows from the people who are going through similar yet unique journeys. There is no judgment here only kindness and understanding. I will be facing my first year without my Jim at the end of next month. We had many years together and would have celebrated our fortieth wedding anniversary if we did not face this separation through death. You are so young and your loss is so fresh that if there is one thing I’d ask you to do it would be to take care of you. Rest, eat, walk, cry, and do whatever it is that keeps you strong physically. We will walk with you and never tire of hearing whatever you want to share with us. What a beautiful picture of you and Marcus. Thank you for sharing it. I look for many more posts from you when you feel like being here. Hugs Anne

This is absolutely wonderful news. I am delighted that we are staying just as we are. This forum is so organized that it makes me happy that nothing is changing. We still continue to receive all HOV news from you as it comes in. Thank you for being the moderator of this site. Anne

very nice, Mary

Thank you for sharing the Costco trip. Oh, if I would have been there you would have been hugged and for longer than a few seconds! I am sad that you had the encounter but glad that you once again shared with us how 'triggers' come out of no where.

Thank you, Marty, for your kind words and I am so glad that virtual flowers are giving you some light. I feel so bad that many of you are still waiting for spring. It seems like everyone I know on the forum is waiting - waiting is difficult when the winter has been so long. I remember those cold, snowy, icy days in Iowa and in Illinois! Now I am blessed to be in the valley of the sun here in AZ. I will be glad when you don't have to take your truck to work, Kay. Snow and ice are very dangerous to drive in especially on hills! I'm glad you are peaking into Pinterest. Hope to see that picture of the Goberian - Is it a puppy? I am addicted. That web site has been a help to me in my grief journey. When I am on I do not spend too much time thinking about being alone. It is a very good break from grief. It's almost as good as chocolate! NOT! Mary, I know how beautiful your yard will be - it can't help but be lovely because that is you. I am so looking forward to walk your labyrinth with you when it is completed - if you invite me.

Today there is some peace, Fae. I have spent more time listening to Tara Brach's meditations since it is too windy to be out in the elements for me. I took Benji very early this morning and he ran around and enjoyed meeting other doggy friends - as long as they are his size or smaller! He hides by my leg if there are big dogs. I think he just isn't too sure and it's so hard to have them greet when on a leash. I was listening to one of Tara's meditations and she talked about 'icecubeness' - I liked the idea of allowing myself to soften or disolve as I relaxed to her words. I think I might be starting to take care of myself. Please continue to get rest. One of the things that I have decided to do is gather some material from Jim's wear-a-lot clothing and head over to the arts & crafts building and make a quilt. I am going to use his ties for a geometric wall hanging. I hope it turns out - I am not very creative but there are people here who are and I should be able to do it with help. There is this urge inside me to want more light to come into my life right now. I am growing tired of the darkness because that just isn't part of my personality. I own the darkness but I so want to choose the light. I don't know if that makes any sense but it sounds good to me. Anne

Today I found tip number 6 from Marty's post above in the link: 10 Tips for Establishing a Daily Meditation Practice to be of interest to me. 6) Avoid judging your meditation. It is tempting to think you are "good" or "bad" at meditation. In truth, there is no such thing. There is only distraction or non-distraction. If you tell yourself you are bad at something you will lose all motivation and are unlikely to do it. If you understand the purpose, this will never be a problem. Anne

Thank you for the link above, Mary. I think there must be many Barry Lopez' who know our stories. My positive thought before my morning meditation. As a matter of fact - I think I'll just focus on this quote while listening to some meditation music... Anne "Your light is seen, your heart is known, your soul is cherished by more people than you might imagine. If you knew how many others have been touched in wonderful ways by you, you would be astonished. If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be shocked. You are far more wonderful than you think you are. Rest easy with that. Breathe again. You are doing fine, more than fine. Better than fine. You are doing great and don't let anything or anyone steal your rights to feel good about yourself." Neale Donald Walsch

My dear Shannon, Happy birthday to you. I caught this before I shut dowm my computer. You are sooo young and have sooo many years ahead of you. I wish you happiness. I shall be looking for more DX when you get it. Please let us know. Your questions will be answered and you will know what you have to do. Always remember, dear Shannon, we are a strong bunch and we do what we have to. You are in my constant thought and prayers. Keep us posted as you are able. We are here. Love you, Anne

'old' - I don't believe it...

Mary - I just saw this - we must have been typing at the same time - You are too funny - I will not say anything more about technology - everything is fine as long as we remember that they are TOOLS - I still love to hear someone's voice over the phone rather than texting or e-mailing - Can't you plug a light in so you can read? Opps - I for got - you have a kindle.

I really do not like the time changes!! Those I know and love to communicate with are either two or three or seven hours later than I am. It's not even 8:30 here and most I communicate with are already in bed or close to it! I have done 'soft belly' meditation, Fae. And you are correct - I love nature even mud - when my father was alive I used to go fishing with him in the Missouri River and I would get the worms - where did that come from?!! Be well. I think I might need to go to sleep early...

Well, it seems like it only took a few tries to get YOU to see the light. So glad that you are taking it a little easy. I guess I'm still wondering if you are wearing shoes or slippers in the house. I do not consider what you are doing wasting time. I think it is cathartic to sit and do nothing - isn't that what meditation is all about? It was good talking with you tonight, Mary. I'm glad I'm far enough away that you cannot slap me!!