enna

Dear Marty, I do so need to work on the 'endurance and great patience' aspect of 'letting go'!!! Patience has NEVER been one of my virtues. I'll no doubt be working on it while I'm waiting to be processed in to wherever I'm going. I love Thomas Attig's writings. I do understand about holding on to memories. I don't know if I'll ever be able to open my fists and feel the release of my pain during my lifetime but it is something to work on and perhaps the pain will deminish. I appreciate the other quotes but I will have to spend time reading them to understand them. Right now, I am trying to move out of the darkness a little for I do know that I have so many, many things to be grateful and happy about. Anne

Thank you, Mary for your reply to my quote. The part about 'shutting down our grief'is important to me. I thought I was dealing with my grief in doses and letting the feelings come when they will - since my health scare I have resented that this has come at a time when I want to only be present to the loss of my Jim. I feel cheated that now I have to think of myself instead of Jim. Oh, I think of Jim only now I have something thrown in that only makes me upset. Usually, I would suck it up and do what I have to do, but these last days I have found myself being very negative. I am trying to pull myself out of it. Kay, I agree with you - I hate the phrase 'letting go'! I think after reading Marty's response I'm beginning to see the phrase in a different light.

In Darkness Comes the Light The last several days have been ones that caused me to question “Why?” I know there is no answer to this question but it still doesn’t stop me from asking it. Why is there so much pain when you lose someone so precious to you? Why do we have to go through so many hardships? Why do people we love have to endure hardship after hardship? Why go on in this earthly life when we have been ripped away from our soulmates – the one who has completed us when we were together? Today when I took Benji for our walk I thought about these questions. I battled in my mind that there is no reason for me to only look at the darkness. Here I am in sunny Arizona basking in the sun with temperatures in the 80s. I should be grateful. After our time in the park, I went over to Memorial Park where I have a remembrance paver identifying Jim as a pilot serving in WW11. He was so much more than a pilot. He was a son, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a Christian… Today I did more crying than thinking. My heart ached but I sat there for a while. I really have no reason to see only darkness so upon a friend’s suggestion I’m going to try to turn my attention to those things that bring joy and happiness to me. Benji, grandbabies, a rather healthy mind if not body, playing the piano (I’m getting better), pinning (I’m addicted), reading, listening to music, gardening, being outdoors, sitting by water, watching sunsets, baking, eating (well, what I’m allowed), meeting friends or talking to friends, and being a member of this ‘tribe’ of very special people. I don’t know if it will pull me out of this curtain of darkness but it will be a reason to focus on what I do have here as I wait for my time with Jim again. One thing I decided to do was open The Box that has been sitting on top of the fireplace since Christmas and read some of the messages my family and friends wrote on index cards about their memory of Jim. I was waiting for the first year of death to read the notes. To my surprise many of the messages were addressed to me telling me how lucky Jim was to have me. How he loved my cooking no matter what I cooked. The kids thanked me for taking care of their dad, friends were kind in their notes remembering how Jim loved to be at the ballpark keeping score for the Senior Softball Association. His golfing buddies remembered his good swing and the conversations over beer. His disposition never changed. People liked being around him. I love him. He kept me grounded. I am trying to figure out who I am now. I knew who I was almost eleven months ago. Today I am not sure. Anne ….the photo is a picture off The Box

This seems to fit me today and the last few days: "At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being." -Kathleen R. Fischer Anne

You know we are holding you close to our hearts, Shannon. Continue to take care of yourself and know we are praying for both you and your Leo. Anne

Please keep us updated, Kay. I am so sorry you are going through this. Know we have you in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Anne

Kay, I can't think of any better news than Arlie is alright. I feel like singing. Benji sends kisses to you and we owe them some play time together. Good news. And I'm sure you are so releaved. Finally some real good news for you. Love, Anne

Beautiful poem, Mary.

Mary, sorry about the confusion with the books. I was referring to the book I am reading now, How To Be Sick by Toni Bernhard. I must have been sending my post the same time Fae sent hers. Yes, I know you recommended Atoms and Eden. A book I can't tackle just yet - if ever. Anne

You are awake, dear Mary! I thought you just might sleep through the week. We also are having strange weather here in AZ. Our temps yesterday dropped 20 degrees with rain and this morning I awoke to the 50s!! I tried to stay awake to watch the basketball game last night and didn't make it - Michigan was doing great in the first half but sadly, they lost - good effort though. Remember, April showers bring May flowers. And you do so know, Mary, that those memories will always be so close to us. Fae, I love Rumi. I get an e-mail everyday with a quote of the day. Just another treasure I found on one' of Marty's links - Grief Healing.com, I think. Kay, did you get paid yet??!!! Anne

This book has been recommended in another post - one I can't remember but I think Marty recommended it. My copy of How To Be Sick by Toni Bernhard arrived last week and it is a wonderful story of a very brave woman who found herself facing a life-time illness and how she turned her story into a positive experience and how we can transform our experiences into ones of acceptance. Anne

I like your quote, Mary. Here's one that came to me today in my e-mail. "Surrender yourself, and if you cannot be welcomed by the Friend, Know that you are rebelling inwardly like a thread That doesn't want to go through the needle's eye! The awakened heart is a lamp; protect it by the hem of your robe! Hurry and get out of this wind, for the weather is bad. And when you've left this storm, you will come to a fountain; You'll find a Friend there who will always nourish your soul. And with your soul always green, you'll grown into a tall tree Flowering always with sweet light-fruit, whose growth is interior." Anne - Jalal-ud-Din Rumi (Translated by Andrew Harvey from A Year of Rumi)

My thought about faith is that it just is...I agree with Kay. I don't look for definitions or explanations, I just accept that there is something that can't be explained. I really do believe that things will turn out the way they are suppose to and I am alright with that. Anne

Oh my goodness, Fae, That is true cowboy country you talked about when you mentioned Arivaca Ranch. I have never been there but I have dreamed about riding horses in and around Tucson. Some other day perhaps - in another life! Anne

Thank you for Mary Oliver's poem today, Mary. I could listen to her read for many hours.

Thank you for Mary Oliver's poem today, Mary. I didn't want this to appear twice!

My dear Fae, I am jumping in here to invite you to Arizona during your travels so I can just sit with you and listen to you talk about your travels. You would find a definite place to be in the moment with me. I am quiet and I am working on interupting people (a habit I'm trying to break). I get so excited about what people are saying that I often don't allow them to finish a thought!! Seriously, your life is very interesting. Mine is a peaceful one filled with more reading and playing with Benji than discussing issues. Perhaps later in my journey. You would have a chance to see the beauty of Arizona and share in my love of the Red Rocks in Sedona. I think Mary already knows about my 'interupting' issues. My task today is to plant more flowers and see my cardiologist this afternoon. I'm hoping for something positive - like maybe I'll be able to fly this summer to see my grandbabies. Quantum physics is BEYOND me, but if you'd like to discuss Robert Frost or Literature I could keep up with most! Anne ps - I really must learn to proofread before I send a message!

Thank you, Marty. I'm sorry for having you waste your time on this again. I thought the other posts were back. I have let it go today, really. I have always saved my own writings. It was the responses that I've now lost. Anne

This looks like a positive to me - I noticed that 'Looking for the Positives' and 'Transformation on this Path' have all their posts back. When I checked on mine 'My Beloved is not with me Anymore' - page 6 - I still have no posts from Nov. 5th to the end of March. Does this mean that someone is perhaps working to recover the lost posts? If this is wishful thinking on my part it is alright with me I just felt a tinge of hope. This is not meant to have anyone (Marty) feel bad. Anne

Now I’m smiling. It is good to hear that we women are normal! I wonder if the men clean up before their cleaning ladies come!! My lady said to me yesterday – why do you need me – your home is beautiful…so I told her I tidied up and made the bed before she came and I even removed the clutter in the kitchen – I even liked the way it looked. Seriously, it is something we have to do and I am grateful for the help right now. I shall look forward to seeing her again. Anne

Thank you, fae, for your encouragement about my health. Your flourless chocolate torte sounds delicious. Please send me the recipe and I will fix it and eat it. And I love any berry and real whipped cream and always extra chocolate – you’d be surprised how you can use chocolate chips! I have been known to put extra chocolate chips in my hot cocoa, on popcorn, dip my fudgesicles in chocolate chips, and even eat them with my apples after dipping the apple slices in caramel. Did I mention that I love chocolate! Kay, you asked about bread and salt. Bread has always been the worse sodium culprit. It is the number 1 source of sodium in our diets. Breads and rolls have more sodium than chips or pretzels. I love potato chips too and have never been able to eat just one so it is good to know that I can have more than one chip! A small bagel has over 348 MG of sodium, one bread stick has over 500MG. There is both sodium chloride and sodium bicarbonate in breads to give them texture. Gives bread its spring and just makes it taste so good… now, that is probably more than you wanted to know about bread! I used to love bread but it probably helped in my heart failure over the years. There are low sodium breads that I will have to learn about. Right now, I’m thinking of those delicious cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster that have about 400 MG of sodium in each one and who can eat just one!! If you had asked me a few months ago if I had any health problems I’d have to answer no. Today is a different story. I was quite humbled today because I had my cleaning lady for the first time ever! I felt embarrassed to have to have this help right now. I will accept this as a lesson in humility and be thankful that I have someone who can help me with the heavier housework. She cleaned the shutters, the baseboards, the floors, and did vacuuming throughout the house besides the general cleaning while I took Benji to the circle and took a two-hour nap!! It is difficult for me to ask for help so this is good for me. I am learning to ASK. I wish I could be hopeful for recovery – at least I’m learning how to manage and live with heart failure. Anne

My dear Jan, It sounds to me like you are pursuing your journey as your heart will tolerate. Already as you mentioned in your post you confronted your feelings in two ways. To me this is huge. You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to read Pete’s e-mails and edit them and to listen to a favorite piece of music that both you and Pete loved. Most of all, Jan, I think it is very brave of you to finally allow yourself time to cry. The fact that you cried and sobbed says to me that you are not suppressing anything now. Good for you. You and I are going along our paths in similar time frames. Both of us have lost our husbands in the same month/year and the pain of separation has been almost unbearable. We have talked about this. We are coming up to our one-year mark. I cannot call it an anniversary. You told me that you also went through Marty’s E-Mail Class early on after you lost Pete. Today Lesson 16 came in my e-mail and the topic was Doing the Work of Mourning. Work is the important word here. It takes work and our grief will just sit until we are ready to do that work. Some great help and links to help us understand what it means to do this work of mourning are in this lesson. I would suggest that you go back and find that lesson and read some of the links. You will find out that crying, sobbing, listening to favorite music, and reading are all things that tell us we are doing all right. I think you are moving forward in your journey – it’s personal for each one of us. Remember, we are going to be gardening and sharing our creations soon. Hopefully your spring is not too far away. I can imagine the sea can remain cold for a while. Love those grandbabies. Anne

Kay, is your computer fixed? I am thinking about you today and hoping that the weather in Oregon is starting to warm up The guys at the firehouse were happy to get the brownies. I am going to bring Benji back and they will get him on a fire truck and we'll take pictures. He is sooo black that I thought I'd put some white spots on him and he can look like a reverse dalmatian. One of the guys remembered Jim. He lost his father about ten years ago and said that his mother is still having issues. He asked how I was doing and that really touched my heart. I had to fight back tears..... I could not go to the Estrellas because it was already close to noon and the temp was almost 85 degrees. Anyone who knows the mts knows that it would have been too late to walk. I will go another time and when I have someone with me. My strength is not there yet. It is all very different for me. I know I have to live with Jim in my heart but it is hard not to have him with me physically. I don't know if I'll ever get to that place. Sometimes I wish I had not loved so much. It hurts. I think I am at that mourning stage of my grief and I do not like it. I have been feeling quite abit of sensitivity during these days. Benji and I went to our Memorial Park here in PC and I spent awhile thinking about Jim. I left with an ache in my heart wishing that he was here. It took all the will power i had not to eat those brownies but I can not have anything like that for now!!! You know that I too would have taken them to the mts and probably eaten all of them since Benji can not have chocolate!! I can have fudge or candy just not anything with flour. I'm going to have a cup of hot chocolate now and add a little hersey's (a lot of) chocolate to the cup. Anne

Dear Mary, I am so sorry for causing you any concern about Bentley. It was not my intention. When I first brought Benji home I found a wet spot on the kitchen tile and I thought it was an ice cube from the ice maker. No smell and clear. I think what happened is that he was in a strange home and probably didn't know how to wake me. He has done it twice now and I know it is not the ice maker. Benji has been checked out by his vet twice now with blood tests and his kidneys are fine. I feel so terrible to have brought you this concern on your birthday. I am so sorry. Anne

First of all I want to start off by saying - I know this is a VERY serious topic and I absolutely do not mean to take it too lightly, Marty, but I think I found out the mystery of the water on the floor at Mary's. I tend to agree with Mary from AK on this ... and Kay, I would leave no stone unturned ... I still think it's Bentley ... ...see how water can be transformed by each individual intention... "Water is the collective unconsciousness that contain all memories from the beginning." Carl Jung