KATPILOT

Guilt is one of the most common feelings in grief MissingMom . Those "what ifs" will get us every time. I hope you can get past that one soon because it is certainly unfounded. I always go back to the thought of what our loved ones would say to us about that emotion. Right? You must know how your mom would be feeling looking down on you right now. I'm thinking she is most grateful to be loved by you. Suitearia I am sorry for your loss as well. I am glad you both found your way here and that is good advice about walking. I found that early in my grief's journey and it helps on so many levels. We all need to remember this. We make the best decisions we can but still sometimes we lose. There is not one among us who would have not wanted success in fighting that demon that took our loved one. For what it's worth, my guilt came from the fact that at the beginning of us becoming aware of the lump forming in Kathy's leg when the doctor said it was a rare cancer and the best hope for surviving would be to amputate her leg at the pelvic bone which she was not going to do......and that led to finding a second opinion at the Mayo where they said she could try a different route which could save all or part of that leg..........to being dead four months later. I wanted to go the amputation route but I backed her decision. I could have been more assertive but I wasn't. Yeah, I wore that one for a while but what good is guilt? It's an emotion that serves no purpose yet it hurts us even more than we already hurt.

Yes Cindy, As we go along on this journey, imagine who we'll meet tomorrow. When we look into the eyes of one who grieves, we almost see ourselves. That is someone we can talk with and one day the conversation just might be about something not related to sorrow.

Thank you Marty. This helps us to understand that to live is to honor.

Nice to see your words Fae. When I was listening to a song a while back, the lyrics made me think about changes. It's called "I've Been Waiting" by Sixpense. "So I'm changing who I am, Cause what I ams not good" It made me realize that I had a bit more growing to do which became a goal for me recently. I needed to crawl out of darkness and though I still can't see the light, looking down appears much more dark than where I am right now. I found myself thinking "if I could just lose the twenty pounds I gained after Kathy died, I might live a bit longer. That's the first time I've thought with optimism in a long long time.

No Marty, thank you for having me.

Amy I want to ad my thoughts about counseling and support groups. First of all, let me explain that I have had a good share of experience with both counseling and group. There is a large difference between all of them. Sometimes I have found help, and other times, I didn't. Some of the time however I offered help back to others. There is a difference between support groups, and "grief" support groups. When you first stated your fear of anxiety in talking with a group, let me just say that my first time was so very hard. When it came my turn to speak, I began to come unglued and left it as just giving my name and the name of my wife whom I had lost. I just couldn't talk. Next time was different. Times after that, I watched new people come in and not be able to talk either. But when they were anguishing I felt such pain for them that I forgot my own for a bit. Group is just that! You get more out of it than just releasing your own pain. Many people in my group had lost a parent, some a child, but all were suffering with a grief. It didn't matter after a while if I spoke about my deep feelings. The box of kleenex was right there in front of me. I can't speak to what you are going through because each person's grief is different and is their own. But we do share things that help each other. When my support group ended because it was offered for the first year, I was directed to this site. Here is where I can continue to learn, and grow, and to survive. I am back in group again after losing my step mom of 35 years who I was quite close to. Her death in January brought back all of the pain and as she died in hospice care, they kept calling me to let me know it was there for me. The truth is, I find myself giving knowledge of surviving grief while finding comfort too. I do know that if we want to grow, we have to be honest with ourselves and that means being honest with a counselor as well. They are people, just like us and they can offer tools with knowledge and wisdom best if they know who you are. I would think about looking for support groups that are specific to grief if you decide to go that route. Keep in mind, that you can leave any time you wish. If I find a knife dull, I grab a sharper one. I do also want to say that as a man, I thought I was strong enough to get through my grief without any help. By the second month after losing my wife, I was on the floor.........The rest is as they say "history" I'm still not over it, but I am still standing.

I so wish we had known of this site where support can be found for the loss of a pet. We are a pack as it is said combing people and dogs in the same home. And there is a pecking order indeed! When I met Kathy, she already had Mindy and having never had children, she was for all intent and purpose, her child. We became a pack when I moved in and I was like Mindy, depending upon the Alpha female (mom). She was the one who fed us, but when thunder would happen, Mindy was on top of my head as I lie sleeping. When Mindy died, it was so devastating to us but more for Kathy. This site would have been such a comfort to her. Before kathy died, she asked me to combine her ashes with Mindy, so now they both are still in my room and sadly there is just one member of the pac who goes on. When you spoke of the urn and paw print Priscilla, it made me smile before it made me sad. I feel for all of you who have so recently lost your pet. I know Kathy could never get another dog and frankly I don't think I could bear another loss. My sister however has had many dogs and gone through so much loss but I found this saying and I sent it to her because it speaks of who she is. Dogs come into our lives to teach us about love. They depart to teach us about loss. A new dog never replaces an old dog. It merely expands the heart. If you have loved many dogs, Your heart is very big. author unknown

I think our ears hear of death more acutely once we've been there. Like you say kayc, I too when watching news stories of families I don't even know, I feel so deeply for their anguish. I find myself drawn to people I meet who I discover have lost someone like there was some bond. It's almost like we were thrown into a lifeboat together and I wonder how insensitive I was earlier in life when those same people were all around me, holding up a brave face, trying to go about their lives. Now that I am on the other side, I never feel bad if someone doesn't "get it" and appears insensitive to where I am. They just haven't joined this club yet.

I know what you feel about the bills Mitch. I also had two incomes and we got by without a problem. Kathy did the book keeping since she was an accountant by trade so I never took the time to see how things were going. I always thought things were just fine but one day when I caught a glimpse of the business checkbook, I saw it was quite low. When I asked how we were going to pay all the bills, she just patted me on the back and said "If you knew how many times I had to rob Peter to pay Paul, you'd have freaked". The truth is, I worried always about the small stuff. Her attitude was "It will work out. It always does". Then she would go back to fixing dinner with that cute little smile on her face. So when she left, I was faced with all the bills. We owed the Mayo a lot of money since they were out of network for my insurance company and most of it was out of pocket. I was scared. I didn't know how I was ever going to get through it. Somehow, it just worked out. "It always does". Four years later, and I can now do all the books myself as well as work. Granted, I will be working for some years to come, but what else was I gonna do? Kind of reminds me of a Joe Walsh song....I think it's called the "worry song" and he says "You go to bed. I'll worry about it. I was going to be up anyway". So somehow every morning the sun still shows up even though we were sure it wouldn't. Before Kathy died, we needed to have our roof replaced because of hail damage. The insurance company gave us a check but it ended up going to help pay the medical bills after she was gone. I just did my roof two weeks ago. I am almost back on top. But you know Mitch? I would gladly be poor as a church mouse just to have her back, You will find a way through all this even if you can't see how yet.

Yes Mitch this new life sucks! I'd like to say many things about it getting better but it never ends completely. Today is Monday. Today I am back at work (self employed so I'm not really slacking and possibly getting fired for spending time here) and I am grateful the weekend is over. After more than four years, I had one of the worst weekends in the last two years. I crashed again just like at first and I know why this time. Real life distractions! I came to realize that I had a distraction for all this time which kept the demons away somewhat. I had my grandchildren and Kay, you will discover what a joyful experience it will be. My grandchildren live just down the street and so had become quite a big part of my days. All the joy of them running to greet me, hugging me, sitting on my lap at dinners, is now gone for three months. This weekend I found myself alone. I mean truly alone. I had no idea how I was escaping the pain. It just grew over with sugar coating. At work, I get a distraction again. But that's all it is........just a distraction. It's about time I got back to the business of grieving. I know I'll smile once again. It's just that you will always have grief show up at the door. I believe it will be less often as time passes but I wanted to tell you about what I do on Kathy's birthday, and Christmas as well. Perhaps it will help as you mentioned that you would have been out shopping. I still go out shopping.....I do. I'll buy her a gift that will be something to go in our home that I think she would like. The truth is, it puts a smile on my face every time. You see, birthday's are still birthdays even when we cross over. Hell, if we could still celebrate Presidents Day, why shouldn't our spouses birthday be any less important? George Washington was one heck of a great guy, but my wife? Here's to Tammy's birthday George, and Kay, here's to George as well. I'll be thinking of you both. Stephen

So true kayc. I'm glad things worked out for your DIL. Hope you find grandchildren as joyful as I have.

"There will come a day - I promise you, and your parents as well - when the thoughts of your son or daughter, or your husband or wife, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. Joe Biden I posted this earlier in a different thread but thought it belonged here as well. These words were spoken by a man who lost his wife and baby daughter years before when only his two sons, whom he had to raise , kept him from wanting to end his own life.................... And now has lost another son to cancer. Courage? Perhaps it's more than that.

I remember when I made that phone call to my father in law to tell him that his daughter was gone. My darling wife, his daughter, succumbed to cancer and he was so far away, too old to travel, and said his last goodbye when she and I boarded the air ambulance from Calgary to Phoenix. Five days later, I made that call and though I never had seen him cry before, his tears that night joined mine. No parent should see their child go before them but it happens all the time. Today I read something that brought it all back. It was from a father who lost his wife and baby daughter many years ago and left him with two boys to raise. Now one of his sons has died of cancer and so it goes on............. grief I can't even imagine as I think of my own losses. "There will come a day - I promise you, and your parents as well - when the thought of your son or your daughter or your husband or wife, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen" Joe Biden

Badturkeys I am sorry for your loss. You are faced with a tough situation when it comes with personal items you keep as you go on with the job of living. At your age, it is quite likely that you will indeed develop another relationship. I want to share something with you that may help. The first thing is that for now you are not in another relationship so what you can keep of your girlfriend's things, you should. I realize that you may have already given some items up, I would think that there are still some things that were between you and her................ Cards or letters for example. As you move on, it will be something you can deal with at a future time. My son lost his fiance when he was as old as you. I watched him go through much of what may be happening in your life and it was a hard time yes. Some of his fiance's things are still in my home as he wanted to keep them just because. You never stop loving someone because they die. But! That doesn't mean you can't still love another. My son did marry and now has children. He loves his wife indeed but she knows what he lost and if a new girl enters your life, my guess is that she would more than understand who you were and who you are. You've already shown us that your capacity for love is way up there if just that you stayed with her through such a rough time. Again, my thoughts are with you and I hope you find some tools to help you here on this site. Stephen

While on the topic, keep this in mind. Grief does cause stress which does facilitate shingles. I was told the first month that I became widowed, that I should get a shingles vaccine as soon as possible so I did. I went to my local grocery store pharmacy and it was done. I wasn't on medicare yet and I don't know if that even is covered but it was not that expensive and well worth it. In Arizona you must be at least 50. Just wanted to share that in case there is anyone still unaware. It is so very important that we take care of ourselves though often the desire is not there. Below is a truism I read just today. "grief didn't kill me (although I was sure it would) I noticed that I didn't cry myself to death (although I tried) I notice that the next day kept showing up (although I doubted it would come again) Life went on but yes, yes it got better I have faced loss painful, excruciating loss and, I'm still here Did you here me??? I'M STILL HERE !!!! Kim T. Hammer.

I just can't find a word or phrase that works for describing what I feel now after Mother's Day has come , and gone. For the first time in my life, I had nothing to do that day. No flowers, no card, no brunch to plan. But it brought back memories and thoughts of my own mom who I lost thirty five years ago and my step mom of thirty years who left this last January. And then it brought me back to my wife and her mom...........all gone. I truly felt alone facing that day. I thought "screw this!" I needed to do something. I brought my grandchildren over and we made a cake to surprize their mommy with. All the time I was doing it, I had a certain feeling that Kathy was there with me seeing this all unfold. I knew it would honor her to do what she would have been doing. That was the point you see. I was honoring her doing what would have been happening had she still been alive. And this my friends is the best ever way to honor them. To carry on if you will. It brings me back to something I read which is now stuck on my fridge. It says: "I will not fail you my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey's end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you" { author unknown } I think I shall honor the rest of them in that same fashion.

Qmary you are an inspiration. In my journey I have met and shared many thoughts about surviving with widowed veterans years further along this path. What you speak to is courage. Courage to keep going when all seems lost. In the first year of losing Kathy, I began to meet with a friend who was 17 years down this road. She too helped me and in fact gave me hope as you do for others lucky enough to read your words. I find myself today in a grief support group if just because the hospice organization that took care of my step mom at the end, provides this. By the way Marty, Joyce thinks the world of you and so do I. In this support group which is mostly made up of widowed souls so lost in their new world of grieving, I find an opportunity to show a light at the end of the tunnel. They can see some one who is still standing going into their fifth year. As my widowed friend told me early on, Steve, she said, "There will be times when you still break down, moments when it all comes back, but you move forward, you find joy in your life, you find yourself alive again". QMary you show us how true this is. And I thank you.

Nice. Truly nice! As all you that you have shared.

Yes Kay we who have lost their mom's have time to think about them on Mothers Day. This is the first one that I will not have any involvement. I won't be buying flowers, signing a card, and going to brunch. I had grown to think of my step mom as my mother over the last thirty years and having taken care of her for the last four years, brought us closer. I will say her name was Wilma because I want to show her identity as not just my step mom. I like to think I made her happy as I could for those last four years. I will always be grateful for having the time I could talk together with someone about grieving our mutual losses. She never stopped telling me how lucky I was to have had Kathy in my life. They were both women without children of their own. Had Kathy lived beyond me, I have no doubt that my youngest son would have been there for her too. So like you Kay, now I am thinking of my own mom and though I was only 30 back then, so many memories are starting to come back making me wish I could have done more for her on that special day because without her, I wouldn't be who I am today. Maria here's hoping for some joy on Sunday. There is something I have noticed of families with love in them, and that is that comfort finds them within a common bond when a loss happens. Even if it's not the most happy birthday for your dad, it will get happier one year soon. Remember that your dad can only be better off by just having you in his life. He will get through this. Somehow, we all do even if we can't see it at first. Like so many of us who have lost our moms, some sorrow will creep in. I hope we all find a little time to smile as well.

No matter what, it's sweet and touching beyond belief. Thank you for sharing that.

We still read it Maryann and it fits in anywhere you might have chosen.

Somehow this just seems to belong on this thread.

You've got that right Kay!!

Mitch it is a fact that grief is a lonely road to travel and a simple truth is that Tammy is the only one who could truly satisfy that craving you have. I know I felt alone at first and still do much of the time. Nothing was ever going to remove the anguish of losing Kathy. It just wasn't going to happen no matter how much I tried to be with people who I thought would bring me comfort. At the end of the day she was still gone and I came unglued just the same. Only time is going to help you my friend. For now nothing will make sense. Answers will not come. Forty five is too young for certain. My wife was not much older and I was left feeling bad that she was cheated while I kept on living. Hell, I was ten years older than her when she left. Why I lived on and she could not was just one more question without an answer. You are likely to find more unanswerable questions in the coming months. I know what you mean about watching a program that Tammy would have wanted to see. Kathy just loved Dancing with the Stars but I find it too painful to watch. I turn it on sometimes and just let it play. I may have said this already but it merits another mention. I could not handle the pain at first. I sought out a grief counselor which I feel saved my life. Not a quick fix, but a tool to help you survive. I still involve myself in group meetings and I spend a bit of time here reading often late at night when sleep evades me. I use every tool I can find to get through all this and to grow. Yes, I said grow because we are not dead yet, and I believe they would want us to keep growing. Do you know I still dig through and read about Kathy's earlier life and find more and more about the woman I love and gain more respect for her all the time. One day you will learn to honor your bride by doing things she would love to see you doing. That will come in time but be certain of one thing. She is still with you. She is inside you effecting decisions you make and paths you choose to travel. You see, we are all affected by our loves. We shared so many times with them that we are not the same person we were before we met them. They became more like us and we them. Think about that when you make decisions, buy groceries, make changes in your home. For now, just one day at a time................it will ease as time goes by even if your love never dies.

It truly is hard to take pleasure in anything right now Mitch. In the first months of this journey, we can hardly give a small rats +++ about much and that's okay. We struggle just to get through our day and find ourselves at the point of "losing" it so easily. Like you mention Micki, traveling alone is one of those times when it hits the hardest. I know this doesn't offer much comfort, yet it will get easier as time goes by. I would never have believed it myself when told this but it's true. At first we feel that our love was deeper and more special than any other person could be experiencing. We sometimes feel that ours was the most important love affair that ever was. Then you spend some time here or perhaps in a group of other widowed souls and you begin to understand. You begin to realize that pain is all around you and you begin to hold fast to each other like souls in a lifeboat watching your very in common ship go down. Everyone here died a little that day. Those of us who have traveled longer hear and remember. Dear God do we remember. Take note. We are still alive and working through this. I still have nights when I wake up in a very dark place but not always. I find myself reading a lot of what others write thinking about those souls struggling to stay afloat. Sometimes I find strength in what I read. Sometimes I pick up tools that help me on my journey. The point is, we are all in this together. We are all friends with something in common and we have a pretty damn good mentor. Maryann I was writing this as your post appeared and what I said goes for you too!