KarenK

Thank you for the suggestion, Marty. It is a shame that someone who has 2 Associate Degrees and graduated summa cum laude could not find a job in the field he wanted. He is not a material person and was happy to just have a job to support himself and his son. His jobs have been minimum wage or less which enabled him to receive food stamps and state insurance. I imagine he will lose those when they move here. This state considers only household income(my SS) to qualify for all programs. Foolish as it is, my income is supposedly sufficient to provide for all of us without any state funded assistance. My house payment alone is 50% of my income. I have checked into many of the programs and we,as a family just don't qualify. If it were not for the fact that my former employer pays my health/dental insurance, I would not have. At least when he sells his place, we will have a small amount of buffer funds to fall back on. Believe me, I am really tired of falling back. LOL One day at a time.

Today, my son started moving their possessions into my house. He is depressed, discouraged, and in pain. In his heart, he has failed. He is losing his home, his anchor, his assurance of a place to live when I die. He worries what will happen to his son when we are both gone. He tried very hard to stay at his new job, but could not do it. The steroids he was given did not help at all. A few days ago, he was in tears, which are almost unknown to him. He finally said he could not believe what has happened to our lives since his dad and sister died. Ron was the glue that held us together. If he were here, he would guide us through this mess. But he is not and so it falls to me, probably the least wise one of us all. We know there are many who are in worse situations than we are, but this is a low point for this family. We met with a realtor yesterday. She feels she will be able to sell his place quickly because of the location. In disrepair, I hope a "flipper" will appear that will offer a fair price. There are many in this valley and surprisingly enough, few homes available for them to flip. We will bring some furniture here, try to sell some things and donate the rest. There is no more room here to store things for later yard sales(just too hot for that now). I will try to sell my grandfather clock that I received as my retirement gift. There is no sentiment there, but the 40 years of blood, sweat, and tears. I have enough of that and it just takes up space. His next step is to start physical therapy for an unknown problem. His insurance will not pay for an MRI to possibly cement a diagnosis. We only hope this will not make him worse and that he will not lose his insurance completely when he moves here. Grief comes in many forms.

Gin, My heart goes out to you. I kept Ron's clothes for a couple of years and then donated the majority to the Hospice thrift shop. My grandson kept a lot of the shirts, so there is a bit of Ron still here. It crushed me to have to sell his collectible items which he loved. The dog meeting went well. After a short time, they were chasing each other all through the house, playing. No aggressive behavior, just a little jealousy over my son. The doctor does not think the bleeding and the hip pain are related. He gave Robert one of those fecal smear tests to send in and also put him on some steroids for a week to see if they would alleviate the hip pain. He goes back in a month. He's just going to grit his teeth and try and work. We'll probably look for a realtor next week. Don't have any idea who to trust. The one who sold my cabin is 200 miles away.

Marty, For me it was Roy Rogers. Darn that Dale Evans! And of course, "The Virginian", James Drury. He is still around, but boy did he get old. LOL

Robert was fortunate to get an appointment today at 1:45 with my PCP who, it turns out, accepts his insurance. Kay, the dogs are both female, both about 5 years old. Robert's dog Tatum is a 120 lb. bundle of exuberant energy who thinks she is my lap dog. She attacks me with love. Marley is 75 lbs. of a more laid back personality, but she is protective of me. I just hope she understands Tatum's approach. They are both very territorial to their homes, so this will be a challenge, especially in the house. Our dogs have always had the run of the house as a family member. Will let you know how it goes. Heading out to pick Robert up soon. Will keep you posted.

The hits just keep on coming for me and my little family. After 4 months out of work, my son finally got a new job. I have been paying his expenses as well as my own. My credit cards are in the ozone layer. I can't remember if I mentioned that he had been having rectal bleeding and severe hip pain for a while now. This is especially frightening to me as both Ron and Debbie died with cancer. He had put off going back to a doctor because he was trying so hard to get a job and as long as he was not on his feet for an extended period of time, the bleeding and pain stopped. This is the 3rd week of his new job and the bleeding and pain have returned. He doesn't want to lose this job, but had to ask for time off. His state provided insurance has changed hands and he must find a new doctor which he will do tomorrow. In the meantime, he has decided to sell his house so that he and my grandson can live here and we will try to help each other. His place is a wreck, but we have no money to fix it up so will have to sell it to a home flipper, I'm sure. He needs to sell quickly so he's not behind on payments. Fortunately, it is in a prime location and he does not owe a lot on it. I am donating my living room furniture to Goodwill to make some space. Even though it will be crowded, we will make do. We will start moving things tomorrow. There is no one to help except the 3 of us. I hope our two big dogs can get along. They are not friends yet. If his medical problems turn out to be serious and he can't work, somehow we will make do. I may soon be crazier than I am now. Kudos to you Gin, for passing your driving test. My license expired a couple of months ago. Just have so much else going on that a valid driver's license is the least of my worries. I remain stunned at what has happened to my life.

Happy Birthday, Mitch. Your celebration activities sound a lot like mine did back in March. lol I'll forever miss that call from my daughter and Ron's and my birthday dinners combined. Today was my mother's birthday also. She would be 107. She lived to 96, so 62 is still a baby.

Four years ago tomorrow marks the day that my Ron took his final breath. In my mind, I still see the hospital bed in the family room where he faded away. Graveside, a few days later, I still see my daughter crying and hear her words that ripped out my heart, "Mama, mama, soon that will be me". One year later, it was. This never gets any easier.

Chellaboosmom, We are here to walk beside you on this most heartbreaking path you must now walk. There is no easy way to cope. I am so sorry that you have lost your son. I lost my husband in 2013 and my daughter one year later, both to cancer. His death was "peaceful" and heartbreaking. I had to make the most difficult decision of my life giving permission to remove life support. For as much as I loved my husband, my daughter's death brought me to my knees where I remain. She suffered greatly and like you, those days are forever imprinted on my brain. I understand some of what you are feeling and can tell you that the pain is not as sharp as it once was, but I don't foresee it ever going away. There are still some days where it just seems like a bad dream, but then I realize that I'll never see either of them again. I cry less often and someday you will also. I do hope you have a support system at home or nearby. My son has been my rock and my salvation in addition to all of our family here. We are ready to listen whenever you need us.

It's the damn stupid things that get to me the most. Yesterday, doing some errands, the rips in the steering wheel cover jumped out at me. The cover is old, but chosen by Ron. The rips are from his driving the truck he loved so much, HIS truck, only now it is my truck. I don't think it will ever feel right. And yes, AB3, I feel invisible also.

Cookie, I'm so sorry that you have lost Ranger. Believe in your heart that he and John are together watching over you.

Welcome home, Darrel! Many of us lose our minds temporarily and do & say things totally out of character after the loss of our loved ones. Even after all this time, some days I am still searching for mine. Financial devastation is another side effect for some of us also, as if we didn't already feel stomped into the ground. I have learned to exist one day at a time, doing the best that I can. Tomorrow will have to take care of itself. I'm sorry you have been through such an awful time and hope that your health and financial situation continues to improve. Karen

Kay, I apologize. I should not have been judgmental, especially without knowing the circumstances. Sometimes the absurdity of situations just sets me off. I surely hope he will get some help and their marriage can be saved.

Kay, I feel so bad for your daughter What a snake he is! We can never know what goes on in people's minds or why they seem to have lost them. When Debbie's son Paul was a month old, her husband of 14 years came home from work in the middle of the night and announced "I don't love you. I never loved you", took off his wedding ring and left. She was truly blindsided and called us at 4AM with the news. I had been there just 2 weeks before and all seemed well. He had a complete breakdown and ended up in a mental facility for a time. Ron and I helped in any way we were able, but it was my ex's mother who saved her by moving in and helping her with the 2 small kids for a time. I love that little woman, bless her heart(she has Alzheimer's now). I hope time will soften this blow for her. Somehow we will all pick up the pieces of our lives and go on.

PURPOSE--------------I have been thinking about this for some time now, even more so since I watched last week's episode of "Underground". Harriet Tubman was relating the events of her childhood and fight for freedom. The gist of one of her statements was that you could endure anything if you had a purpose. Yes, I am enduring, but what is my purpose now? I truly can't think of one. I can almost understand how Ron felt as he became more and more ill. He couldn't eat, drink, leave the house, take care of his personal needs, or contribute to society anymore. He felt that he was just taking up space and using air that someone else could use. From age 17, I have always had someone to take care of, provide for, love and nurture, someone who needed me. It is hard to no longer have any of that. I love my son and grandchildren, but they don't really need me. They can do fine on their own. I'm still searching for that new purpose.

My heart goes out to Butch and his family.

Thinking of you, Gin.

Sending winning vibes across the waters to you, Patty. Remember to grit those teeth and bite your tongue.

Gin, So glad your daughters have stepped up to help you with the cleanup. I can't imagine trying to do it alone, much less while you are in pain. Teeth are not my friends right now either. I took a regimen of antibiotics for my infection, and got to the dentist last week so he could replace the temp fillings. Mouth was sore, but all was better until Friday when pain started again. I guess infection had gone into hiding because today it has moved to the left sinus area. Face is all swelled up. So will call tomorrow for a different antibiotic. Grrr! I'm so sick of this. Would love to get a small health break. Kay, glad your surgery went well and that your neighbor is being helpful.

Butch, There are just no words to express the sorrow and heartbreak I feel for you and your family. Peace, my friend.

Patty, Love cannot be explained or justified, nor should it have to be. It is simply felt deep in your heart and soul. Although I have only met you and Steve one time each, you are both beautiful people. My best to you as you celebrate those lives you have loved and lost and the new life that is beginning for you. Life is what you make it.

Marg, I have not considered leaving, but remaining more quiet. I'm sure those of you here get tired of hearing about my many problems. My grief combined with all that I have lost and will lose is simply insurmountable and hopeless. My son had to quit his job in January for health reasons and has been unable to find another one. In addition to struggling with financial responsibilities here, I am now supporting his household. All of this on credit cards that mount each month. I have been very sick for the past two weeks to the point where I couldn't stand up. My bad teeth need temp fillings again and the pain was excruciating. I took so many pain pills they stopped me up. My son brought over some of the leftover colonoscopy prep(nasty stuff) and it worked ,but I lived on the pot for 4 days. My grandson came and stayed with me for a few days in case I passed out trying to walk. I cannot remember the last time I slept for more than 4 hours. The worrying about what to do when I lose this home is on my mind 24/7. Yesterday was my 70th birthday, but no cause for celebration. Did not have a soul to speak to all day except the dog, but she is a good listener. Another year without the birthday call from my daughter. I know how sick I am when I can't even make it to Joe's Bar B Cue for the free meal. I feel totally defeated and hopeless. That is it in a nutshell, so I will shut up about it now. Just please, don't even consider leaving. We need you. I need you. We old southern gals have to stick together.

Oh, Kay, I just saw this post and I'm so very sorry this has happened. I understand the helpless feeling you have. We always want to "kiss it and make it better", but sometimes it is just not possible. My daughter lost her first baby also, due to an overbearing Mother-In-Law. I would gladly have killed the woman at the time. I truly hope your daughter reaches out to you. Sending hugs and love.

Thanks for the info, Kay. I tried it, but no one appears the right age or looks familiar. Of course, it's only been 55? years since I've seen the guy. LOL Was thinking of you today when I turned on my air conditioner. Here you are shoveling snow, and it's supposed to be 95 here this week. It amazes me how everyone's climate is so different.

Marg, I think Billy & I would have been "$hitkickers" together. I have several CD's of Western movie themes, including some I recorded form youtube. Legends Of The Fall is one of my favorites. I bought the movie from Amazon. Sometimes it makes me sad to play them as I see Ron sitting on the couch watching his Westerns. Perry Mason was a favorite of my dad's. The Virginian(James Drury) was my heartthrob. I still watch him in the middle of the night. Like so many young, handsome stars, he has not aged well. I have autographed photos of a few Western stars I have met over the years, "Cheyenne"(Clint Walker) being my favorite. I have tried looking for that old boyfriend on the Internet and although his name is unusual, I have yet to find him. Attending a military academy would have put him right in the thick of Vietnam, so perhaps he is gone. I don't belong to Facebook so can't search for him that way. For me Gin, I think it's the old Country music that gets to me. I can remember us playing all the old albums and here come the blasted tears.