KarenK

I have been trapped in that zone for a very long time now.

Loneliness has no age restrictions. I would enjoy having some companionship. I have perused some of the dating sites, but it goes against my nature and my pocketbook to pay for obtaining a date. Why not just hire a gigolo? lol Seriously ,the men I found in my age bracket were looking for women 25 years younger and not for companionship. It was kind of creepy and frightening to me. In reality, I think I was looking for Ron and of course, he wasn't there.

Marg, I'll bet each and every one of us complained to our mates about something that got on our nerves and they complained about things that we did. That's just human nature. What we wouldn't give now to experience those trivial little things! Someone on the cancer forum was complaining that her husband left Gatorade bottles sitting around. I bit my tongue and didn't tell her that one day she might hopefully look around for those bottles again. I only wish I had Ron's clothes to pick up off the floor where he shed them.

Had a less than joyful moment yesterday. I was channel surfing and landed on the Jewelry Channel which I sometimes peruse to break the monotony. They were presenting a gold pendant with an angel and the inscription "Always by your side". It was like the one I gave my daughter during her long battle with cancer. Needless to say, it does not enhance the Christmas spirit for me, which is non existent for me. For the first time in my long life, there is not a single present under the little tree. Of course we all know, the presents we really want wouldn't fit there anyway. Hope everyone has a peaceful holiday.

Cannot seem to get into the holiday season, either. Have not even put up my little tree. Can't think of anything to get for "my guys" with my meager funds. Dodged another bullet today. I'm prone to skin cancer and get nervous when new mole type things appear. Had a pre-cancerous thing removed about four months ago from my arm. Discovered one which was getting bigger on top of my head a few weeks ago. Couldn't see it, of course, but was worried because of the growth factor. Went to my dermatologist today and he froze it off. It was not cancerous, but would likely continue to grow. It had a fancy name, but in reality is known as a barnacle of age. Oh, the joys of getting older. LOL

Happy Birthday, my Anne! Hope you are doing something fun today and enjoying this cooler weather, finally. Karen

Gwen, My heart breaks for you. I know the empty feeling well. My daughter always called me on my birthday, the last time being in March 2014. I remember Ron apologizing to me for no birthday card in 2013. He was in the hospital on his journey to death, yet he still remembered. All of those bittersweet days gone now, "Happy" is no longer in my vocabulary anymore either. I know it's not the same at all, but belated Happy Birthday,my friend. Karen

Marg, Thank you for referring to me as a "young lady". It brought a small smile. I am but your younger sister at age 70. I don't know how I got this old. I felt it somewhat after Ron left, but losing Debbie was the kicker, I guess. I am certainly a bit slower, dizzier, and less sure of myself than I was 4+ years ago. A week from today represents my 45th wedding anniversary to be celebrated in my mind alone. I will get through it as I have done before. My son,grandson, & I are still struggling along in Scottsdale looking online for a place in the mountains that will fit us and 2 large dogs at a price we can afford. Now that winter is upon us, it will be difficult to move. We hoped for Colorado, Montana, or Wyoming but prices are too steep for our meager funds. Dave, My heart goes out to you. I wonder if there will ever come a time when the guilt each of us feels will dissipate. I guess we must just accept that we did the best we could under the circumstances, whatever they were. This new life we are all living is difficult, to say the least, and filled with trials and tribulations we are ill equipped to handle. I cried at the song Janka posted "My Heart Will Go On". Yes, my heart goes on, but truly has no reason to.

Gwen, Holding you in my heart as we navigate this rocky road. Living without that one person who made us feel special definitely sucks. Hope somehow your days become brighter. Karen

Marg, we have lost the ones that created or contributed greatly to our happiness. It is so hard to find it again without them.

Remembering is good............sometimes. Continuing to downsize an entire life's worth of stuff, I cleared out a huge drawer full of photos, the ones that you never get around to putting in the albums or they are just the wrong size. Found a lot of duplicates. Found pictures from when I was a baby. Now, those are old! I was a happy, laughing, spoiled child as my parents and I traipsed around the country pulling our mobile home behind us. Looking back, I can't imagine that '55 Chevy pulling that 35" trailer over Wolf Creek Pass, but it did. I remember my dad pulling over a lot of times during our travels to let the radiator cool down. LOL I've seen some beautiful places in this country. Found so many pictures of my children & grandchildren throughout their lives. The ones of my daughter brought a few smiles, but for some reason, her class pictures Grades 1-8 brought a huge sadness. I watched her change and grow and thought "Now she has grown into ashes". There were a few pictures of young Ron, very few of him during our lifetime as he was usually taking the pictures. I could not look at his very last picture that I took three months before he died. In reality, it was plain that he was dying. I just didn't want to see it. Those pieces of paper contain my whole life of memories. Best I put them away once again.

Sadness in my heart and soul for you and your family, Butch.

Mary Beth, You have said it all. Even after 4 years, I have not found that peace. I sometimes wonder if my little family and I are fortunate enough to move from this place, will I ever be happy again? I just don't know.

Marg, You go right ahead and write what is in your heart. It is still part of your grief. All of our lives have been changed in many ways because of our grief. Being older, it is hard to comprehend the ways of the world now, especially where our grandchildren are concerned. I just know we have to "be there" for them and help he best way we know how.

So glad to hear that you are safe. Also just got an email from Anne letting me know. I was afraid you might be underwater.

I'm sitting here watching the Weather Channel, hoping and praying that our Maryann(froggie) is safe. Also thinking of Darrel and any other of our friends who are in this terrible storm's path. Hope they will check in, if possible.

Kay, Your area is just so beautiful and it's one of the places I've searched around online. We want to stay in the western U.S. The places we like are too small to accommodate 3 people and 2 dogs or too expensive. After 60 years, I just want out of this desert. I know I'm trying to re-create my little cabin at half the price. Even at my age, I still want to see what's just over the next hill as Ron and I always did. I suspect I should be grateful for the roof over my head here, but I still have that dream. Not many dreams left in me anymore. Thanks for caring.

Change of topic here, but not sure where to put this. My son and I made a disappointing, but enlightening trip to the mountains today in our quest for a new place. I so need to get out of this house and it's constant reminders of Ron and of Debbie's childhood. We discovered how really poor we are. I already had a pretty good idea,but it was a reality check for sure. I don't require new and fancy, but I do demand clean and not rundown. I live in a 60 year old house that's in better shape than the newer ones in our price range now. So onward and upward, we'll just keep looking and hope for that "bargain". It seems all the bargains were already sold just last month. lol Just my small rant for the day.

Bree, My heart goes out to you. Accepting the loss of my daughter is perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Even more so than the loss of my husband the year before. She has been gone for 3 years and yet I still see her sitting on her porch watching her horses. Perhaps that is my idea of acceptance. I hope you have a local support group nearby. It may be helpful to meet with others who understand exactly what you are feeling as many of us here do. Karen

I personally think that PA was suffering from lack of INTELLIGENCE. What an evil and cruel thing to say to someone!

Kay, Don't know if it will help but Ron used to take Alpha Lipoic Acid pills for his neuropathy. It is inexpensive at Wal Mart and may give you some relief. Big Hugs! Karen

Kay, Has she lost her mind or just thrown her medical oath out the window? Her behavior is totally unacceptable. I hope you are able to find a new doctor who remembers why they got that degree. Sending hugs, my friend. My little family and I are still plodding along. Surprise! I got my driver's license. Was afraid that I couldn't pass the eye exam, but had no problem. My son is still having health issues and hasn't been able to return to work. The PT that he completed did not change anything. He's now having testicular pain along with the hip pain and will be seeing a urologist on the 25th. At 38, he's just too young for all of this. I finally made it for my yearly skin doctor checkup(only 6 months late). He froze a pre-cancerous thing on my forearm and stamped me good to go. I go once a year because of a cancer I had removed about 20 years ago.. We found evidence of termites here so I had the house termite treated. In this part of Arizona, it's not "if" you get termites, it's "when" you get termites, so we're waiting a few months to make sure everything is okay before we put the house up for sale. Last Saturday, I made it though my daughter's 53rd birthday. Did not tear up until late in the night. Life just goes on around me as I wait. I have yet to figure out what I am waiting for. Perhaps just a bit of peace and happiness.

Dave, I used to do the same thing, then feel completely embarrassed afterward. As Gwen said, "pathetic". I would go for several days without seeing or speaking to another human being. It almost seemed like a relief to know that I still belonged to the human race. I am still friendly, but no longer have that desperate need to talk to someone...................anyone. I fear that I have become a boring person to converse with.

Butch, My heart hurts for you for the many loved ones you have lost.. There are no answers as to why we were left behind, but we will somehow carry on.

I also attended Grief Share. It was a small group, each of us experiencing different losses, a mother , brother, spouse, or child. For me, the most significant part was that even though we were all hurting, the entire group bonded together to share each others pain. It made it just a little easier to bear. It is difficult to explain the different grief of losing a spouse and a child. Both are devastating. For me, losing Ron is so "in your face" because we were always together, while losing Debbie stays on the fringes because we lived so far apart. My brain can almost pretend that she is still alive, but definitely knows that he is gone. There will always be two pieces of my heart missing.