Gwenivere

You described this so perfectly, Patty. Home Hell. I think the name should be patented for some of us. I used to love coming home. That residual memory is still in my head, but I feel the emptiness start to build as I drive home and by the time I actually get here, I know when I walk in the door that whatever I may have planned beyond a chord that needs doing will vanish. Seeing our life in this now 'me' life just sucks motivation right out of me. Everywhere I turn, there he us, be it a thing or a memory. Yet, I still love our home. I don't love his energy being gone so that things look in place, yet out of it too. They (whoever they are) say this will change and we are stuck in a place of waiting. Time. I am so aware of it now when it used to flow by naturally. We have a couple of ticking clocks I went deaf to when we were together. Now I hear ticking constantly. Hell is cruel.

That is so true, Kay. I can't count how many things I was there for with Steve. Now I have had to go thru so many tests. Just to know someone was waiting fir you in the waiting room made all the difference. Doctor visits aren't too bad (except there is no one to talk to about it when you get home), and ER trips have been the hardest. Alone in a room with machines and how cold and intimidating all the equipment is. I'd hear people in other rooms talking with thier partners or friends. I was always the one sitting by the side if the bed for Steve. That chair is empty for me.

Sometimes trying to do new things is even harder than the voids we find ourselves in. I am fortunate I had some volunteering in place that hasn't changed. But many activities that are suggested or we know are out there are things we never had interest in before and, fir me, that hasn't changed. I don't want to learn cards, join book clubs, or see places I thought I was missing. I'm not religious so that cuts off another social avenue many have. I can't really use a gym because of physical limitations. I used to do the dog park any day it was good weather, but it's very hard now. My point is that sometimes looking to fill the voids is as painful as the loss. I've been at this 20 months now and as we all react differently, my sole goal is still just getting thru the day. I have no close family or friends so it makes it harder. I lost my closest tie when Steves sister died a few months after he did. People we knew as friends have moved on with thier families and we were never a part of thier social lives. Steve was the social butterfly with his music pursuits that filled this house with life. People can say I am making excuses, but each of our lives are much more complicated than we could ever explain fully here. I am not making excuses or looking for them. I just know that for me, the challenge to find reason for living again is the hardest battle I have ever fought. And I do fight. So when I am advised to 'get out there' and explore something new, people don't realize how it often makes me feel like a failure. It's not thier intention, but it still hurts.

To repeat what Kay said, I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself. I feel those who have passed are free from hpthe negative emotions we struggle with on this mortal plane. They bear no grudges. I'm not a religious person, but I always liked the story of the the man who begged God to forgive him his whole life for something he did. He carried that weight til he died. When he met god he asked, why didn't you ever forgive me? God said.....I did the first time you asked. You never did and carried that heavy load.

Karen, reading what Debbie said and what happened is just too sad and cruel. If it were possible to give your heart some peace, I know we all would.

You are so right, Kay. That normal was so great now that we know what it feels like when it is gone. I'd give anything to have one of those normal, if sometimes mundane days again. Even if it means cleaning up after him which was never ending.

I don't know if it comes from me or them, but I do know that waking is by far the worst part of my day. Dreams or no dreams. It is when my mind knows the truth of facing another day without him. It's my very first thought. Sometimes there is panic, others just pure pain. I'm amazed I can sleep at all, but maybe it is because he is with me in some way. It also helps not to be surrounded by the memories everything in this house evokes as I go thru the day and evening. A friend told me is was a very thin veil between our world and the next, it was a resonance that created the problem of being able to link the two. Like what you said about them being free of a body. How does someone without one communicate to a physical world? They can't speak, move anything or touch us now. Perhaps they feel the frustration we do in that respect. I guess it's awesome, I just wish I could talk to him about it and learn about the changes. The only thing I know for sure is his pain is gone. I also think our worldly negative feelings are gone too. He does not feel guilt, anger, frustration or resentment anymore. There are people I am still trying to forgive and I feel Steve has no need of that now. Much bigger things to experience than the failings of some. Including me.

If only we could talk to them now and then. Know they were all right. Tell them if our struggles without them. I was just thinking last night how I now feel things are Steve trying to reach me in ways that seem silly. He was the techie so when something goes south I think it is him, tho it makes no sense as it causes me anxiety as I don't have the knowledge to fix many of the problems so have to call his brother. What us odd I'd when my alarm give off and it is a sing relevant to us. What are the odds? I just want to feel he checks in on me now and then even tho he is now free of the disease that so horribly ended a life with so much mor to give.

Sadly, we become reminders to people of possibilities they dint want to think about, much as we didn't either before it happened to us. Also, people not experienced in deep loss think time works faster than it does to 'heal'. And we will never do that fully. And yes, in my experience, this is the price we pay. What is sometimes hard for me to decide is was it worth it. There have been some very dark times I say no. But the thought of never having known my man outweigh those times are too numerous to count.

I wish I could beleive that, Kat. It eludes me too and there I'd a fear it is nothing more than biology.

Weekends are the worst. For all the reasons stated already. Everyone I hear from by weeks end have plans with family and friends. It's the 2 slowest days of the week for me. When I feel most isolated. Can't even pretend that talking to a Monday thru Friday business counts as social as they are closed. Already today I heard about BBQs, shopping and going to movies. It's a beautiful day and I haven't a clue what to do. It will be another Saturday night eating alone with the TV as my companion. And when sleep rolls around, another getting into bed alone to wake up that way yet again to another day we used to share foregoing each of our own pursuits. Ive had some legal issues come up for care if the dogs and that is tough. I'm up at the plate now because if something happens to me something has got to be in place for them. It was, but things have changed since we drew up our wills. Have to talk to a friend about being the one to take them, but she gets so into details when the point is if something happens. She wanted plans in place for kenneling. How do you do that if you don't know when? That is why there is a hefty bequest for each dog. It's a hard thing too as she so loves dogs she is who I would totally trust. But she doesn't have a clue how emotional this is as she has her partner. That will be my 'social' time tomorrow. Not exactly like the old days with laughter and living like everyone else.

Same here, Joyce and Terri. I've managed to somewhat keep up,the backyard, but I don't get any solace from it. There is a pride that comes from that when you share it with someone. No one sees it but me and the dogs and they really don't care.

Kay, I spent a while in Phoenix too and ran back to Albuquerque. Still hot, but not grill you alive hot!

Darned software again! Cookie, I am experiencing what you are too. It started hitting me about 2 months ago and has totally eve loped me now. The key word being this is REAL! I think it happens to everyone that is surpasses what we thought we knew and accepted to having to now truly have to enfold that knowledge into any vision of the future. All illusions or dreams or memories of those are gone for good. It feels a stage beyond trying to survive the now to seeing how this will affect the rest of our lives. We knew it, but now we REALLY know it. It's the toughest phase I hate encountered yet.

Marita, I'm so happy you are not dealing with the double whammy. They say without your health, nothing has much meaning. We already have that with our loss of partner and best friend. Stay healthy!

When our sleep is compromised, it throws everything off. Hard to think, feel and act rationally or as close as we can. I can't sleep without meds either and none deliver a smooth night to wake with a recharged mind. This just keeps feeding on itself. It's no wonder we feel,like we are going crazy!

Also, being in physical pain all the time is complicating. So little I can do as most meds give me side effects the are unlivable. One or the other, mental or physical would be enough. Together.....too much. Crying used to be more cathartic. That scares me to as it was my 'go to' release valve.

I have been having that addiction feeling. I know when I have to step out because it's too hard to read the posts. Too much pain. I really wish I could feel like a robot, Marg. There was a time I could, but not anymore. I can't escape it ever these days. My counselor says this will ease, maybe so. In the meantime I don't know how to deal with feeling I just want to do anything to stop the pain. I don't like that my mind often goes to the ultimate extreme about that. That is where I am too, Terri. Things have come up that require me to make plans for things when I die or if something happens with medical directives that I want known before someone can get to my will. Info for EMTs and such. All things Steve would have known and wouldn't involve my having to set this up to avoid getting stuck on life support as once you are, it gets messy. Plus care for our dogs. The legal world is cold to navigate when you are in tremendous pain. Anyway, it is that realization that NOTHING is as it was. Never will be. What it has done is drive the spike deeper he is gone and never coming back. I was there for him for all these things. It makes me wonder just how many more straws I can take on my back before it shatters. Feeling lost and alone from the moment you wake up til you sleep and even in dreams is truly hell on earth.

Ugh.....software. Anyway, this is really poignant what you wrote, Mitch. I know I am a mixture. So many of my thoughts and approaches to problems are how we did things. Its engrained in me now. It's only things that we never experienced together I have to figure it out now. And even then I look to his thought processes as I weigh my options or decisions. How would WE handle a situation? The few times I could not find that I freaked, but eventually did. I like it because we made such a great team. He would often tell me he would think that way too. What I would do taken into account.

I think it is a gut feeling, ChinUp. No one wants to be alone and I know some have found others to love. I don't know if it is so much devotion but knowing that no one could ever fit into my heart and life as he did. My mother remarried when I was 4 after losing my father. It's obviously not age as you said, your mom spent 5o years with your dad. All I know is my path is to learn to live alone now. There are so little certainties in all this, but for me I know that is one. Not saying I like it. I could be proven wrong, but I'd be very surprised if I were. I think sometimes you know what your challenge is going to be. Plus, I don't want to do this again. I think that fear of possibly giving and losing is bigger than than fear of being alone. I hope this helps your mom. Some people do need that companionship and there are no right wrong rules in any of this.

Marg, I am so sorry you had a bad, make that horrific night. Just know you aren't alone about feeling like you are dead, alive but dead. It's hell.

People just don't think before they speak, Gin. I guess it has always been that way, but it was about mundane day to day things. The advice spigot gets turned on in these crisis for some reason when that is the very time people should take heed they know not what they are talking about. Get lonely a bit??? Talk about an understatement. And oh.....a male companion. That is by far the worst!

Speaking of spoons, keys in the freezer, ice cream where the keys go, etc......

Thanks everyone on your input. I wish I was alone in this sometimes because the thought of so many of you feeling so bad breaks my heart. They say strength in numbers, but this is something we wouldn't wish on anyone. And then, if one was alone feeling these things, it would be impossible to maintain ANY perspective. Now there is a odd word to use. I ran into this article last night about the 2nd year. I was particularly hit by the waiting references. We are waiting, but we dontbknow for what. https://ptbertram.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/the-five-major-challenges-we-face-during-the-second-year-of-grief/ thank you, Marty for the other link. Life does keep unfolding, I'm just not thrilled with what I keep finding behind the next door. Youre right about the demons, Kat. They ate beyond house guests now, thier like squatters I can't evict. Making themselves way too comfortable here.