Gwenivere

i really hate this disorientation I walk around in. The fear. Is there something wrong with me neurologically or is this devastation? (Rhetorical). Looking around at the emptiness sure imitates physically so many frightening feelings.

Patty, I'm not out of the house near as much a you. But I know that coming home and bring plunged into despair. For you spoons, for me a lightbulb gives out and it takes everything I have to change it. The despair is relentless. I went thru a time I thought I would reach a place I could handle this. Maybe I will, but I can't imagine it at all right now. Unfirtunately I do compound the despair. Something comes up that needs attention and I feel I have to 'prove' I'm 'strong'. I always pay for it big time. Reminds me of that saying about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Nights are horrible, bug waking us my worst. Another day to exist again with no feeling of meaning. There are times I worry about my sanity and have to say.....he's gone forever. You and a right to live in despair. What's really hard is now is dreading if people ask how long it has been because 20 months is viewed as adequate for grief. The longer it is, the less people have the compassion they once did. Just when we need it most.

As long as I tolerate my neighbors chickens spreading my bark on the driveway, they mow my lawn. Uh, the neighbors, not the chickens.

Marg, we are all crazy in own way. Guess this is mine. Don't hold it against me. I'm not much for sweets. Give me a task to distract my mind anyway! But don't let me out of the crazy club! That would be too cruel!

Guess that makes me the cowardly lion from Oz, Mitch.

Joyce, my emergency contact is Steves old boss according to our will. So that I'd who I will put even tho hemlines out of state. I composed a list of local people he can contact. But he has the POA for big decisions and I trust him. The others can help,him as they know me in my daily life with dogs, etc.. I can't ignore the feelings. Impossible. I so want to push myself without punishment, but often just sit here staring and lost. Today should be grocery shopping together and while I usually need something, I don't today. Not one thing. So yet another change in once rutual routine even tho it had changed with his being gone. There's a song that vines to mind with a line that says....no one told me there'd be days like this. That's my daily mantra. I tell ya, I actually get excited when something needs to be cleaned or I need something from the store. It means I can get out of here, which I always do, without aimlessly driving around being reminded we always had things needing to be done because Steve was the king of projects or needing things. Retail therapy does not work for me. Things I bought were for the house and the few clothes I did were for date nights that don't happen.

Mitch, that is one thing I have made peace with. I don't feel guilt. The times I did I found the appropriate place for it and it was not me. What to do with that anger and who it belongs directed at is another thing. You are right about the frustration of dealing with the pain, I feel I should be a veteran of this so when it keeps pounding away at me I get so tired trying to fight back. The worst is when crying does not help. I always depended on that. This is where I get tripped up....a lot. I see no reason that I am here beyond my body hasn't failed yet. Loving Steve without him here has no fulfillment for me. If anything, it sometimes brings me anger he left me behind to this hell. I know he is free and also he did not choose this, but logic and emotion rarely coexist well. Yes, I do have talents and strengths, but they are paled that I have no one to share them with but myself. Volunteering helps. That was the icing on the cake knowing I had someone to come home to to share the exoerience. My point being, I am stuck in a place that all this talk of gentleness is lost on me, hence why I wrote the topic. Last night I was furious at Steve. I could not forgive him for what this did to life for me. I know this is OK too. I am a mere mortal with emotions that often don't make sense anymore. Before he left, they did. So this is all new territory and not if my choosing, like everyone else. Maybe I am not ready to hear I have something left to give because I sure don't feel it. i do thank you tho for your sharing. Maybe someday I will write a post that mirrors yours and actually feel it.

Hope you get some sleep, too, Marita. I used to like bring a night owl. Not so much now.

I see this written so many times and I get the eating right, staying hydrated, exercise and sleep. But as I sit here on what has got to be over my 80th Saturday night alone, I can think of no way to console the longing in my heart for the night we always looked forward to together as date night. Nothing was more sacred. I can cry, scream, wallow....allowing myself all those indulgences. So I ponder this 'gentleness'. I don't know what it means. I sat at the table and ate take out alone again. I have the new Star Wars movie to watch but no one to share it with. I walk past our bedroom and see that half of the bed that has been empty for so long. So what is gentle? It's all pain, despair, loneliness, fear and anxiety knowing I will never see him again in this life. So I'll take a Xanax or have some wine in hopes for a little stress release knowing I have to do this all over again tomorrow. All in the quiet he left behind and all the time that ticks by so slowly as I wait til this is over for me too. I rarely talk to him anymore, tired of no reply, but I did ask him the other night why, if he had to leave, he didn't take me with him. He might a well have as I find no gentleness, contentment or pleasure in this changed world. i was asked for my emergency contact at a doctors apt yesterday. I thought it just meant who to call if I needed help. Turns out it means someone that knows you so well and can make decisions regarding your health. Power of attorney, know what to do with your kids or pets, your medical wishes, all your other contacts. Your spouse knows that without thinking. Choosing someone became complicated. I carry cards now in my purse, car and posted on my fridge because I can't say....just call my husband. I had to drag out our will to make sure there is someone in place 'in case' something happened to Steve. It did. Now a new person has my back. Someone I trust, but not who I want to hold my hand if something happens. Just had to let this out. Some nights are harder than others. This was one and it's not even over yet. I so hate feeling so weak without him.

Yes, Marg. What a great post. I remember those days of the honeymoon phase clearly and how we would look back it with more than fond memories. So young, nothing but the future ahead, everything an adventure. We never had kids, but I know tomorrow will be hard because Steve was 'dad' in our family of furry kids and they always got him a card. It was signed with paw prints. It is hard nit being able to do something with them like the rest of the world is with thier 'dads'.

My thoughts are with you too, Kay.

Terri, I watched the first season of Aquarius and was recording the 2nd but have the same reaction. Mostly the unfairness of who lives and who dies. Before I lost Steve I was fascinated with people so off the grid of sanity and those that would follow them. Now, its just a painful reminder that good people leave and evil ones live on. Have no plans to watch any more of it.

None so us do. But somehow we do it. I think the hardest thing is knowing you have to do it again tomorrow. If only we could know there was an end. It supposedly gets better (I'm not there yet), but it's a long waiting game. I just keep reminding myself that nothing that has ever happened in my life compares to this. I don't even think winning one of those super lottos and the excitement could even come close to the pain this brings. This targets the heart with unrelenting energy. It's like it never sleeps.

Maryann brings up a good point. I was raised in a home that seriously frowned on display of any negative emotion, especially anger. They replaced it with passive aggressiveness and that was something I had to unlearn when I left because I was a master at it. Even Steve called me in for a very long time. He pointed out it was more hurtful than showing anger. I was afraid of anger. Anyone's. That is not a problem anymore in my life. I can step into the ring with the best of them now. I had to learn to tame it a bit so that others could 'hear' me. No good if you just make the other person defensive. Also where to correctly direct it. Nature vs, nurture plays a very big part in who we started out as. Luckily we can adapt, learn and change. It took me a long time to accept compliments without feeling I should tell the person why I didn't deserve it. This us why I love dogs and other more evolved animals. They don't overthink this stuff. They deal with it and move on.

Marita, I love your analogy of up, down and flat. Seems they are often peaks and valleys with little flatland between. I'm still waiting for the bad times to be less frequent. Time moves so slow when we are alone.

You're right, Marg. We are in our own now. We will always be influenced as was written by Kat, I think. We may pick out things but they were a part of how we made choices. Doubt Billy be mad, he has been released from emotions like that. I've had a couple friends keep reminding me of that. Like times I feel I failed Steve and feel guilt. Steve would see nothing to forgive. They know we did the best we could as the mere mortals we are faced with extraordinary circumstances.

I sure hope you are right in this, Marg. And 'move on' is NOT part of my vocabulary. Moving over sounds better. I'd just settle for moving. I hate when I get emotionally stuck like I am right now. Crying has come back big time and when that happens I get absolutely nothing done I slightly enjoy. The sadness takes over everything. I'm not asking for much, but it would be nice to actually like eating, playing with the dogs, enjoying sunshine (we wait a long time for that in Seattle) or watching a TV show. Sleeping and feeling rested to deal with this would be nice too. But for now I watch other people doing those things and more and think.....wow, how I miss that. Can't even remember what it felt like.

That really is hard, Patty, not having other options. Being dependent on a place you already know is not a prime provider. And to have that reminder daily, wow. I hope you can find some way of releasing that justified anger and dont ever need to go there yourself again. Do others on the island fly or boat to another island? I guess emergencies, tho, would make that tough. I'm so sorry you both were stuck with that place.

Patty, I had the same reaction to the hospital that did Steves surgeries and then turned thier back on him because his wasn't a success they could claim. I got so furious I spent months getting off thier mailing list because just seeing thier logo tore me up. That they had the nerve to ask for donations enraged me as Steve participated in clinical trials for them. He let them use his body and now they want money from me? I am now having a problem with the hospice people and a mistake they made. I don't see these institutions when I am out, but they are in my head when I think of all Steve went thru. I want to settle this last thing with hospice and shut them both away forever. Thank gawd there are other hospitals as the thought of me needing them would be too much.

Finding words is hard. That you have found where to direct your anger is a very positive thing. I still sometimes get angry with Steve, but it was the disease that ruined our life together. I often think the diseases are the cowards because they take and won't face us. All we are left with us turning to others that can relate and thank gawd they are here!

CK, I can't add much more than what everyone else has written except to 'welcome' you which is always an odd thing to a place we don't want to be, but come to find can provide us a family that truly understands and will listen to anything you want to share. Kat, love your idea about getting rid of some people. I noticed that happening anyway by people who would avoid asking me about Steve, but now I have a strategy for those that want me to get my butt in gear and 'get better' faster. I don't really understand why because I will never go back to being the person they knew before this happened. Oh yeah, they have no clue about that!

Did I miss a memo? There are calories in grief?

I agree with Kay. I think we reach a point where we see our spouses as they REALLY were. We tend to think of only the good at first and then they start becoming real to us again. I think this I a good thing. Realistic. Maybe that is what makes it harder sometimes. We remember when they hurt us or us them and how we worked things out therefore strengthening our bond. I recall coming home humbly with a piece of pie or something to make things up to him. Or how he would peek around a door and ask if we were OK. Yet, of course, they were still perfect fir us.

Give up ice cream? Are you nuts, Marg? It's one of those few things in life that can almost cure anything. ?