Gwenivere

Kay, I am so sorry you lost his voice recordings. An advantage I have with Steve's music and stored recordings. I know I will never forget his scent. Every person in the word is unique. I can't imagine forgetting his voice either, even if I didn't have them as I do. The man talked constantly for our 37 years. It's etched into mind forever.

Steve only had a Facebook page to promote his band and another source for people who use that to find the dates. That is why I was so angered people posted birthday greetings there. He couldn't read them! Had they sent them to me, I would have appreciated them as some didn't have my email address. Facebook would have notified me. Steves joke was to give me a page because he knew how much I hate social media like that. I guess that is why I haven't cancelled mine. He really liked how it riled me he did that. Another one of those things that seemed so worth getting mad at the time, and now I can't give away something he did for his amusement. Ripple effect, ripple effect, ripple effect. Just keeps lapping at our toes when least expected.

The mail is tough for me too. Anything I get of importance is addressed to me solely now. Catalogs and junk mail still come to him. I immediately put them in the recycle. Just seeing them is enough reminder he is gone. It does cause me to twinge tho. It's like phone calls for him from places he was involved in too. Those take me by surprise. I only get angry when they hang up as opposed to some that have the humanity to apologize and voluntarily take him off thier list. I had his phone cancelled, but his Facebook is still there. I was going to close it, but it was too complicated. I could unfriend him, but that doesn't seem right. I was told by someone he got posts for his birthday last year. Kinda pissed me off because the social media thing (I feel) is often to show off about yourself. Like see? I remembered Steves birthday! A message to me would have been nicer. Anyway, the voids are too many to count. What doesn't feel right is his name not being on the important mail. That's why I left his name on our banking accounts. I can't have him erased totally. I like seeing his name on our checks. I only kept a few items of his clothing that were my favorite to see him in back in his healthy days. I don't think I will ever get used to his nightstand being so bare, but I couldn't take the medical stuff it had come to be used for. Any way we do whatever we do, it is emotionally messy. Not a thing about it is easy. And how could it be?

Ya know, Marg.....I believe that. You'll find plenty to gripe about.

Don't let yourself feel terrible for being yourself, because that is all you are doing....being Terri. We are who we are and make changes because if what life throws down in front of us. I'll live alone too, no one will ever love as he did. I find grief and mourning not BUT conflict. People are waiting for me to go back to being the person I was and that will never happen. We are always changing even in good times. These are not good times and we face a showdown with mortality they don't know or understand. So we will live on, but possibly disappoint many people because we won't be the person we were with our partners. They may be disappointed but there is no explaining having your life ripped to shreds and having to construct meaning again from pieces and missing parts. If anything, this is a time that while we try and discover our new selves we will also find who is accepting of that and sticks with us. Scared and confused? That is the definition of my days right now. You are truly not alone.

Such a hard first, Joyce. Many hugs to you.

I've had people ask about Steve long after he has been gone. It breaks my heart to have to say the words he is dead. But I keep in mind that the people do that were not close to us at all. Just people we crossed paths with long ago. Everyone that was of importance in our life knows. These are passers by. How could they know? Even telling thier spouse doesn't mean the info made it home or stuck. We'd like to think that our pain is as meaningful to others, but it's not. That's a bitter pill to swallow. I truly understand being blindsided and being shaken. I even deal with residents where I volunteer that forget weekly. The fact it makes them uncomfortable I cannot control. They are also of so little importance I don't expend energy explaining much. It's just a fact in response to a question they obviously didn't know. We all handle things in our way, but for me, I have enough close to me to deal to get caught up by those who are essentially strangers. But snapping at times I also understand. This journey just keeps creating potholes and speed bumps where they never were before.

Terri, Steve and I talked about former flames. But that was just memories and stuff people who have established the real relationship they wanted talk about now and then. They were at a time we were testing waters and hadn't met 'the one'. When that happens that time is over. We have found our home. The thought of being with someone new now has a whole different meaning. We didn't break up, they died! It wasn't mutual. They aren't still out there somewhere and we might wonder what happened to them. I remember Steve would notice if other men noticed me and got a kick out of it. Same for me because we were off the market and bound to each other, happy. Perhaps I might have it harder because I already know my destiny. That possible goal of finding another companion will not happen for me. People can tell me til they are blue in the face this could change, but I know me and what we had and nothing will ever come remotely close to even consider. As we agree too, I don't even know who I am anymore. So much of hpthe old me is missing. I don't even feel like a whole person. I have a hard enough time navigating our home without the thought of an interloper and that I is how I see it. Someone being in his space? Never!

Gin, last year I went thru changing everything to my name. It was hard. 2 weeks ago I had my will redone and it shrunk from 10 pages to 4 because Steve isn't here as the designated person to handle anything that happens. Trusts were dissolved and spread responsibly to other people. I almost caved spfrom the stress of the reality of his absence finding people that had to have everything spelled out that he knew from being my partner regarding my wishes. The notary seal was like stamping him out if my life. My legal life anyway. It still hurts like hell. I see his name less and less. I've renewed magazines and now they are in my name. I do Get mail notices for his car or catalogs he got. Haven't decided if that is good or bad. His name is still on our checks and banking and I am never going to change that.

Terri, Ross did express regret about how her stages were misinterpreted. She wrote them for the dying, not the people left behind. She was pretty right on for the one dying as I saw it happen with Steve. He actually reached acceptance. But we have so much to deal with beyond losing our bodies. We have the fallout of all it entails to be torn from the life we knew and now become different people. I was reading a grief book and one line jumped off the page and I knew it was a truth I will have to come to accept. I will never be the same again. I'm forever changed. People will see that as they wait for me to return, but that Gwen never will. I already see ways I have changed in viewing the world, my humor, what matters and what doesn't. I don't know who I will become, but when he left, so much of me did too. How could it not? As you said, the connection, both physical and mental, was a place we found that ultimate fit with one other human on this earth. Like you, the thought of another man turns me totally off. He would never know me because I gave my heart away. He wouldn't smell right, or joke right, or do anything that made my world.....my world...our world. I envision being told from now til the end there is hope for that. Here's the hitch....I don't want it. I already did. And I don't settle. Never have, never will. This is from being forever changed. I've been approached and it's like Steve appears and I see....nope, no way. You will never do. It's not even conscious.

Cookie, Patty called going home as 'home hell'. That is how I feel a lot of the time. Yes, we are free to act as we feel, but it's darned lonely and cold. Maryann, I have the dogs too and they help. Can't imagine being here by myself. Have parakeets but they are in thier own world. One of mine used to listen for Steve to come home. She doesn't anymore. The new one never knew him and it makes me sad she never will as he was a great dog dad. I know they often want food or to go outside, but they do also want to be with me so that is something to grateful for. Now if they could only hug and hold me like Steve did.......

That's an excellent question. A lot more than Kubler Ross documented, in my opinion. Sometimes I think....how high can I count?

I guess I compartmentalize things to be able to get thru the day. I don't have to schedule time for grief as there are certain times of the day that trigger automatically. Waking up, coming home, eating alone, how I spend my evenings now, etc.. There was a commercial once for depression of a woman walking around all day with this cloud hovering over her. That is how I feel. No matter what I do or don't do, it follows me. Another big change is physically I have changed so much. I spend the day in constant pain if I do anything but sit. Other conditions have intensified too. Like I put everything on hold because I had to be there for Steve 24/7. So between the mental and physical days are very long. Sleep is a nice refuge if I get tired enough for it to last more than a few hours. I wish I could schedule times, it would help immensely. Maybe I'm too vulnerable to triggers. Maryann, I don't know what to make of the anniversaries anymore either. Hit 20 months last week and don't know if I should look at it as a testament I have gotten this far or a reminder of how long I have been alone and the next number just adds to that tally. I don't feel testament tho. That is what others see and that creates a conflict because in their minds I have 'cone a long way'. Well, that's sure the truth! But I have alone and in pain. So many are surprised that I feel things deeper than I did before. I know it is because they cannot even slightly fathom all that time without thier partners. It's incomprehensible to them. I can see the scenario sometimes, I tell someone how I am doing and they tell thier partner and talk TOGETHER about how hard it must be. Im also really feeling the effects of 'skin hunger'. I've had no one to hold me in all this time when I cry. This is really a tough one. I held Steve often during the battle. We could cry together. Near the end I didn't much but held him. It doesn't ease the reality, but sure makes a difference in that primal connection we néed with people, especially our mates. Hugs I get all the time. They are OK, but deep I the night it's so hard to have only youself to hug and no one to understand. so thru all my babbling today, what I find is I live, breathe and am grief right now. I can try and spin in it all I want, but I am walking grief. I don't know where Gwen ends and it begins anymore. That is why I feel so set apart among people no matter what I do. They say dead man walking, I am grief walking.

There is one more thing I thought of, Patty. I've gotten really good at seeing this coming and maybe it will help you when you talk to your partner and give her the article Marty suggested about dealing with people in grief. I can see it coming when they are going to offer advice and now say immediately, are you going to suggest/advise something for me? It that tiny gap it takes thier minds to process the question, I say....please do not. I even dropped explaining why. That I am an adult, can make my own decisions, am not interested in trying something that I may find I will like even if it sounds a turn off to me, the 'don't you think I have thought of that?' and many other reasons to defend my one simple request. So many think if you would just 'try' (translate to they think you aren't which is disrespectful), you will find something. Time brings that to each of us as it will. Your new found 'friend' may think a night out on the town will help you. There are people that really do think that! It's amazing what has been presented to me. So, I just repeat again and again....please do not as soon as I see it coming. It shocks some people but that is thier problem, not mine. It works too! Ive had some people say they were about to say something and go oops! I forgot, no suggestions. Then I can say thank you and mean it.

Gin and Polly, it's another notch in the grief belt. They are so painful. They put us further away from our loves. I know better than to say it will be better. We're all warriors now.

This is a tough one since she is your business partner. All I can think of that I would do is find a time to have a serious face to face defining boundaries that have to be respected. That may mean separating business from social pursuits. Sounds like that is really needed for you. Is this someone you normally spent a lot of time with before the partnership? That may have to be redefined too. I have always found being totally honest with someone effective. Relationships change with life altering occurrences. I doubt you can change her cheerleader outlook, nor should you. But around you she needs to understand you are now changed and will be for a very long time and maybe forever. There are people I have 'downgrade' because they just won't accept or respect my wishes. This is about you now and your survival. That comes first. The last thing you need on top of your loss is trying to appease another person. It may take multiple tries, but you keep standing firm. By the way, everyone I am around doesn't get it. Some are better at realizing that and those are the ones I still am grateful for. The others? I've barely noticed thier absence because they required too much energy. The business thing complicated things, but you call the shots for your personal time and grief. That is non negotiable. Sometimes we have to be a bitch. It's kinda empowering to start taking back some of life that we are still trying to figure out.

I don't know what to add except I truly understand anniversaries stacking up and how much more we keep missing them. I'm sorry about your kids too. I don't had any, but friends that have vanished that adds to the loneliness.

It's not even been 2 months yet, Robin. You've just stepped into this and would of course be extremely sad and 'deoressed'. This isn't something you've ever experienced before. You didn't say how your daughter is handling losing her father. My feeling is you are normal for what your mind is trying to process. You may feel like seeking counseling at some point, as Kat suggested. Right now you are probably still in a shock phase. That shields us from the real world for awhile. One thing we have all learned is we have to feel and act what is inside us, despite what others may think we should or shouldn't. No one wants to see us in pain, but there is no escape from that without damaging ourselves. This is something you shouldn't try and fight. Unfortunately our society is not patient with grief.

Looks like we are all into the same boat. Holiday weekends really emphasize the 'family' thing, even if it was just the 2 of you. I thawed some ribs per 4th tradition and will be cooking them in the oven. Steve would faint at the idea of such an atrocity. The grill would be out and ready. The mere mention of indoor cooking was an insult to his grilling talents. Never was my job and have no motivation to do it for me alone. I'm listening to all he sounds in the neighborhood of people preparing for thier feasts. Tough weekend for sure.

Thanks, Kat. This is the kind of belief or faith I've never had to look for before. I have a friend who says she has 'talked' to him and that told her I would be a hard sell on feeling his presence. it's the wanting to know something we all want to yet there is no proof of. That someday I will see him. I'm not totally sure if that would ease the waiting, but at least I would know something in this emotional jumble. The only realities are the pain and no more memories to create. I once said it is like (in this world) the book we were writing is done. No more chapters to add. I loved writing that book. The reality of his truly being gone us like having it published and bound sitting on my table. It reached an ending and its final. He alway said I was the one that created and believed in magic in our lives. Not feeling that is hard right now. I forgot how harsh life is when you face it alone. I see it all the time in couples we know. That feeling that is there we never thought about that someone is always there. Unconsciuosly we carried that with us thru our day. Sometimes I get anxious because I am getting home late, but it only matters to the dogs waiting for thier dinner. Not because someone will be worried where I am. And vice versa. It's still odd to me that at 2am I don't have to wonder why he is late from a gig. Or him calling saying he is packing up. This just plain sucks. I wish I were more creative about wording, but that's my simple truth in a nutshell.

Polly, it's not encouraging to hear at 6 years your sister still suffers so. I am becoming more accepting of only one thing right now. That from here forward life will never be as it was and empty in ways that will never be filled. I hope Richs son contacts you soon. People dropped out of my life so I know it is very painful.

I wonder where Steve is too. He is free of this plane so I feel he would also be free of the questions and confusions we have. Strange things have happened since he left, but I'm not sure I'm just attaching significance to them or they mean something more. The titles of the books mentioned I would not want to read. I want to believe in my heart that he can see me and someday we will see each other again, but I know there is nothing that can determine that on this side. I admire the people that have the faith to feel it is true, but I don't have that. I hope he can see the hell I am going thru. Not to make him feel bad but because we always shared each other's pain and to be left alone in that is the most desolate feeling I've ever felt. We went thru everything together so I miss his telling me everything will be all right as long as we are together. Now we are not so that is the dilemma I an trying to solve.

Nights and waking up are the worst for me, too. Actually, coming home and being alone kneeing it will be that way all night is. I woke up in a panic attack today and part of that us not being able to breathe. I've had them for decades and Steve was not here to help. Actually, he was the cause. Butch, I am at 20 months and finding it harder than it has ever been. Try explaining that to anyone that doesn't know how this feels. They don't get it. Pretty much everything else in life gets 'better' with the passage of time. Like getting over a cold. People rarely ask how I am doing because 'so much time has passed' so I must be adapting. Yeah, right. All I am adapting to is knowing it's another day on my own. Another day of longing and the darned quiet his energy filled the house with.

I wanted to say I don't mean to add any more depression thoughts for anyone. This is my hell journey. I think about how discouraging 20 months sound. Each journey is different and some will feel relief sooner. As the old adage goes....your mileage may vary.

Patty, I went blind to all the pictures of Steve in the house for the first year almost. I could look at them, but I didn't see. These are pictures when he was healthy. Now I see him in all of them. I destroyed every picture of him when he was sick. I slept normally for a long time, but now I barely get 4/5 hours before my mind snaps awake and it is just futile restlessness. I would get up, but I know I'd just sit and stare like a zombie. I understand about the pic on you or phone. I have Steves voice in our answering machine and the few times it has beat me to a call it tears my heart out. But I will not change it. So much of him is gone, I can't lose his voice. I hadn't thought about it but everyday is n anniversary. Another day to add to the count of how long he has been gone. I'm at 20 months and still carving notches in the wall.