Gwenivere

It helps to read I am not the only one that still has our 2nd car. It's just something I can part with yet. I've had people ask me many times why I keep it since it requires insurance, tags and gas as I run it and occasionally drive it. It was a part of him that symbolizes many happy times he had for his various activities. I see it every day when I get home and to think of that spot empty is not something I am ready for. For a brief moment, it looks like he still lives here and he does. He just doesn't need his car. We lose so much if them as it is, I see no rush to facilitate the process. Yet another thing people that haven't had this kind of loss get. They see it as logistics, not as an extention of memories and loss if it were gone. And yes, it sometimes adds to the loneliness. But that is what life is right now. I would have to bulldoze thru this place if I wanted to remove everything that reminded me of him.

Terri, my neighbors and I barter services. It works quite well. They mow my lawn and I watch thier chickens when hey leave for a couple of days. If this saves me from mastering a lawn mower, I'm all for it. There are just some things Stvecdid I have no interest in doing.

I wish I talked to Steve like I used to. For some reason, I have become quiet on that front. Maybe so long since I heard a reply and I so desperately want that. It's been far too quiet for far too long. I find myself 'think talking' to him. But like Mitch, I do tell him everyday I love him. The very worst is waking every day knowing I can't see him except in pictures and my memory. Glad for them, but like Coke, I want the real thing.

I'm so sorry, Dawn. It was a very tough day for you. It makes sense you would be so much emotional turmoil. They say the harder we try not to think about something, the more we will. And this was something very important you planned in your life together. I hope you get some footing back.

The Hansel and Gretal analogy is great, Terri. And the witch is grief. And a nasty one indeed.

I'm so sorry to read you had to watch death happen twice. That would tear anyone's heart to shreds. It is so normal to look back and think, wish or punish ourselves for not knowing or doing something differently. But knowing that doesnt ease the pain. Only time can and we don't even know how long that will take. We also strive to reach a place knowing we did the very best we could at the time. We loved this person, we didn't hold back every thing we were capable of doing. I would have loved to have been the researcher that wiped out cancer, but I was not. Pills and therapy may not feel it is working and maybe won't for you. But I am glad you have access to support if a time comes you need it. I often leave a counseling session wondering why I even went and then the next week it will really help me. I think that is because it is scheduled and our emotions are not. Talking here you can do 24/7. Marty never shuts the place down so anytime you feel lost and need to reach out, your in the right place. You might have to wait for people to wake up (I'm a night owl so I know how that goes), but when they do, they will be reading and there for you. Im happy you shared what brought you here. I'm sad you had to experience it. As many of us feel, we wish we had some magic to give everyone back the life they once had. If only we could.

It is a hard call, Terri. But we do have to make it at times for our own well being. I have someone that talks to me about her job and problems in her marriage and there are times I have to pull the plug and give her generic replies. Fortunately, it is not an everyday thing. We do,all understand loneliness, more so than we ever did. and we want to be as compassionate as possible or like we were before we were slammed into another world. I think we have to give ourselves credit for anything we can give others at this time. Amazingly, we do more than we realize.

Again, I am sorry, Mitch. I only read the spouse forum. I would have looked there if I had known.

Mitch, I honestly do not recall reading a post about Tammys birthday. I just read back and don't see it in this thread. i know that birthdays are very hard. I'm sorry you felt abandoned. You must know no one here would ever do that deliberately to you or anyone else. We are a family.

Oh, like Marg...I think the heavens for Xanax. Panic attacks are another form of hell on earth.

I woke up, too, to the news of the shooting. It's such a tragedy. I read as far as I could and stopped. I get it, guns, violence, death. Since Steve died,something has changed in me (obviously), and it is the inability to connect as empathetically to the violence and senselessness of stories like this. It's not that I don't care, but that I can't 'feel' the outrage or whatever that I normally would. I think it is because I carry death with me every single day that seeing an account of it hits a spot that is almost accustomed to it. I can't really find the right words. I know when Stevecwas here we would be talking about it because it would be such a shock. It still is, but I'm numbed out and that makes me feel even more distanced from life. I stated noticing thi when I put the news on when I get home. All I care about is the weather forecast now. I was worried I was becoming a non caring person til I talked with my counselor. Again, told this was not abnormal. Hard to take on more feelings of grief about strangers when you are living with it daily. I do think about these peoples family and friends and how they just joined this club involuntarily as we did. In that sense, I feel so bad for them. Know what they will be facing for a very very long time. It's not the act, it's what I know is experienced after the fact now.

Same here. I know it is not helping my various maladies, but it is one thing that can calm me in a most volatile emotional time. Perhaps someday, but not something to be taken on when you are stressed so tight you often feel you are going to snap.

I'm so sorry to read your post, Marg. Do let us know how you are doing.

It is indeed a Catch 22. My health has changed so dramatically and I often am asking the chicken or the egg question. There are obvious signs of grief, but there are obvious maladies that have reared thier head too. Having tried to deal with them for so long now I get very frustrated. If 'this' goes away, would it help the depression? That about 'that'? All I know is that I have never spent so much time having tests, seeing doctors, going to the ER and in general feeling almost as bad physically as I do mentally. And they are scattered all over the place. I used to just have a primary care doc that handled everything. Now I have him and 3 specialists that want to refer me to more. Some things I have had for years that were well managed but now are going crazy. It really takes what little motivation I had for my interests like volunteering away. I try and eat healthy and do OK as a single person. I got so sick (no pun intended) of all the medical stuff with Steve that to have it shift to me makes the delineation between mental,and physical so hard to define now. All I know for sure is this started when he died and I can't fix that contributor. Guess the real question is CB anyone spell STRESS?

It was because of this post. You got me to thinking of how people react to our not having it 'together' just because we are out in their world.

Kay, what is it about crying that it has become unaccetable UNLESS it is at the moment of the crisis? I'll never understand that. I've had people look at me me like I am nuts it tears well up talking about a dig I lost or something like it. Now we are dealing with losing the closest person we ever had on earth forever and protect them? Who had the energy for that? And why should it be expected? Cry, cry, cry for a month...that is OK. Cry because you have to lie a life forever changed and running into the emptiness of it and it had to be hidden away. It only makes it harder and why I do value the very very few people that let me be myself at any given moment. I'm not wandering the streets wailing, but I do find myself in tears in the car between places I have to be. I've had to end phone conversations because I just cannot fake interest in people's lists of life's continuing on while they ask what I am going to do or have been. Oh, I got up, ate, killed another day, sat by myself thru another long nigh waiting to sleep knowing it will all begin again. Sorry, no trips to see friends, relatives or plans for get togethers. I can't even read a book for lack of concentration. I'm stuck with magazines because articles are short. And if tears escape when I am in social situations, so be it. They see it as my problem anyway and I guess it is. I'm fortunate that a very few people may nay understand it fully, but they let me be me. Best one can hope for.

Karen, this tears me up to read because the same thing is happening to me about Steve and I don't know why. I can't turn it off and when talking with my counselor she did say there can come a time when our minds go back and start to question things we had either forgotten or suppressed to live with what we saw. Particularly a death that was not the peaceful TV type where thry slip away without pain or suffering. This has been so much on my mind I have a call into his hospice nurse that was there thru this because I have a lot of 'why' questions about things I couldn't have known being in the moment and in shock of what I was seeing. Nothing can be undone, but I need some answers to quell this reliving a place I never want to see again. Once was enough. I dread having to talk to the nurse because it is a time I want to disappear from my memory and this will stir up those images again. Peace is not a word that exists in my universe. Don't know that it ever will. I'd like it to, but that saying comes to mind about wishing in one hand..... I truly wish you heartfelt empathy that you can get free of this. I cannot even imagine your suffering of 2 such deep losses.

That's great news, Maryann. I know exhaustion really drains us of so much and sleep is so fragile. I hope this helps and I know you will keep us updated.

I hate having to pick my status now on forms. I do wish I could check married as that is how I feel. Legalese doesn't care about that tho. I only feel single because I am the alive half of us.

Marg, there are days I wish we could bottle you to give to those suffering because you can articulate your thoughts about the pain, yet add in a dose of humor. Suicide by moving. I know it is extremely stressful, but it made me smile at his you worded it. Marty is right, it is right up there in the top 3, I think, for one of life's hardest changes.

Geez Gin! First all the medical Tess and now the lawyer? I'm surprised you haven't gone postal on anyone!

Terri, I don't know if you have plates on the front and back of his car, but I seriously doubt removing the one in front without the tag for registration would affect anything you decided to do with the truck.

Gin, so sorry you are being subjected to these tests, especially the invasive ones. The last thing we need are things that rob us of the little energy we have to just get thru the day much less face this kind of stuff. My day is like a debit card with a limit. When I hit, I am done. Out of 'funds'.

What do you need help with, Dawn? Could you be more specific?

I have no choice but to accept Steves death. Its the only thing that explains living in this hell day after day. Every illusion I once may have had is gone. Finding a reason to move forward is my huge problem as I can't find reason to yet. I'm still trying to get thru each day knowing this is a forever deal as long as I live. I'm finding acceptance the hardest stage and it is not the finale people think it is that do not know what we go thru. In fact, this is the most painful place I have been on this journey. No matter what I do to fill time, when that ends I am in the reality of truly knowing I will never see him again. I pulled weeds for an hour tonight, felt the physical pain and as bad as it is, it doesn't come close to sitting here right now without him.