Gwenivere

I've sent out cards two years without Steves name. It was so strange to sign them from me and the furry kids. I need to get more like you, Marg, and not give a darn what people think. I already know I am crazy, why hide it?

I'm gonna do it, Marg! Why should I care if people don't know how to react? I figure if you ask, prepare for the truth sometimes. Lord knows I have had people tell me theirs. My turn!

I so relate to the OUR becoming MINE. I noticed when I talk to people I still say OUR. This place will always be ours. We choose it, made it ours and it will always be that way. Amid all the memories, both good and bad, I cannot even think of leaving and having some strangers in OUR home changing things around. The most I can hope for is living here again and it being a place I feel comfortable in without him and I am a LONG way from that. Seeing his influence and happy it is here instead of ripping me up. I even miss cleaning as I used to because his messes gave meaning to chores because it was for our home. It makes the place feel too unlived in. If it weren't for the dogs, I'd have so little to do. I miss cooking and the need for all the supplied and dishes. I get so tired every night trying to figure out what to eat....alone. Terri, I cannot even imagine the pain of Pauls brother saying Terri who? That's just cruel and indefensible. I dint know why someone would do such a thing, but I can only hope there is done kinda karmic justice for that.

I try that 'hanging in there', but it seems to still imply we are doing OK. If only there were words to describe this that people could understand.

It is certainly something easier that our minds can grasp than death. I've never met a more formidable advasary.

Don't say that! If we weren't at least somewhat interesting, why would the people that we shared our life with have done so? So we must have some qualities that at least one person found intriguing. I read the posts and find out more and more how interesting all of us are.

You did it again, Marg. Found the perfect reply.

I've been thinking of the subject of this topic. I can't think of a time that hindsight ever did me any good unless it was clearly obvious I had made the right decisions. These were usually day to day little obstacles in life. But I cannot go back to when I lost Steve and go over decisions made. Or I should say, I won't. I know this may be cathartic in some way to some, but all it does is make me relive a time that was so ugly and cruel I don't want to revisit it. There is nothing I change change and any regrets I have are a moot point. We all had our hands full dealing with the crisis at hand. There is no way we could take in every option when time was moving at rapid pace. We couldn't say hold in a sec and let me think this thru. I know there are things I should have insisted were done, but I kept seeing a situation I had no exoerience with....death of someone who was more important to me than myself. Death is ugly and cruel. I can't block it out, but I can try and not go there. I know this is cathartic for some of you, but it just adds to the pain of the now and offers no solace. That is what I truly need. Looking back are some if the bricks I want to drop from this heavy sack I drag around every day. That's where I am. The outcome would have been the same in my case. Time ran out.

I love the title of the book even tho I haven't read it. I'm so tired of parroting that phrase because it is engrained. A few times Inhave answered honestly it stuns people, they don't know what to say. A little thing I do for myself that feels good sometimes. i hate the word widow. People always ask me why and all I can say is because I am still married, but he's not here anymore. V never cared for labels, so having it thrust on me makes me kick back in defiance. If it were my idea, it would be different, but it's not.

Truer words were never spoken. We live in this changed world where our wants are so simple, yet it seems we are asking to win some huge lottery where all the odds are against you. Happiness, life, just buzzing along like other people and the people we once were. So many sayings that life is a gift and we shouldn't waste it. Nice saying, hard to do now. Has to come from within, another nice idea. The kicker is we had that and what made that possible in now gone. So, we look for replacements and substitutes? How do you look into an empty void and expect to find something? (rhetorical). We look into ourselves and out to the world. As of yet, I haven't found any place that has what I 'need' and want. Some find some solace from family, friends, thier church or beliefs. I don't have any of those so that makes it dangerous to be at the mercy of my own thoughts as they are not even close to 'rational' person I was. In fact, my mind seems to like finding new things to rub this in. We are not good friends right now.

I found the same for me, Kay. Months after Steve left and I had done all the hard estate settling and changeover to me, my body betrayed me in so many ways. One thing after another. You become so beaten down physically that dealing wit the mental aspect becomes truly overwhelming. I spent years In good health as his caregiver. Now I am mine and I don't care about me as much as I did him. I'm too worn out fighting medical needs. So I suffer a lot. I've done the thing of pursuing treatments since he left and if that if what my life is going to be.....well, it's not very encouraging. It's also hard to separate how much is stress and reaction to it. The docs all have pills and tests. Sooooo many of them. My social life would be medical if I did and went to every specialist they come up with and trips to the hospital got more testing. It's also hard because specialists on,y see thier area. They can't connect dots with the others. You ask if it could be tied to something else and they say you would have to go see them. I want to be seen as a whole, not parts.

I just hit 19 months and I really feel the absence. I, too, have grown tired of saying and feeling how much I miss him. Sometimes I think...19 months....I should be less surprised waking and spending every day without meaning. But that can't be forced. The hardest part is sharing that loneliness as people see this as a very long time. And it is. They think, tho, that we hold be adjusting when in fact we are more lost than ever. Summer is starting again and all the things we did are not going to happen. Yet all around me people are making plans and.....living. I also know that it feels like hardly any time has passed. I still keep waiting for him to pop out and prove this the longest and most horrid nightmare I've ever had.

I never whistled, but I did sing along and revel in music in the old happy days. I don't listen to that music right now. The closest I will get is a music channel on Direct TV if I am cleaning. They play familiar tunes, but rarely ones I associate with a memorable time. I still have a CD Steve made me of all my fav songs, but it will have to wait a while longer. I've been ambushed in stores tho playing a song in the background. Can't really tune it out, but I read price tags with much more scrutiny as a distraction til it is over. I learned from Steve how primal music is from the memories and the language he showed me it was. We also have several 'our' songs. I also have his recordings. I can't even listen to our answering machine with his voice!

Marg, this is the best I can do about slivers. ? I need some of that light too.

That is my struggle, too, George. Since we cannot go back, what do we do now with this new found emotion? We will certainly be able to relate to others when it happens them, that is a given. But there has to be more to it. I want there to be more to it. I don't want to keep looking back seeing this produced nothing but pain and emptiness, even tho that is his it feels now. I don't expect to ever adjust totally to life without my husband. That will never happen after being entwined for so long. I wish I had your faith I will see him again. That is my biggest fear and not knowing if he knows how much i love him still and wondering if he can feel the same towards me. 2 very simple things that would ease my mind do much, but I cannot know those things with absolute certainty.

Patty, I started a journal within months of Steves passing and I know I will not want to read it. So it's gone. I think as we keep going ahead, revisiting how we got here is not going to be something we want to revisit....ever. Living it once was enough. The fire sounds more cathartic than wiping out a computer file.

Thanks for the reminder, Kevin. All we truly have is the present and hopes for tomorrow. I'm happy for you that you are a glass half full person. Used to have one of those, but mind developed a leak for now.

I totally understand this, Cookie. My caregivers do want to help, but I think I am becoming a challenge at 19 months. I am on ADs and have been for years. I don't want to take more because of side effects like added anxiety while or IF you adjust to them. I know they mean well, but this is my journey. I also don't have what many do like family or close local friends so I am solo on this. I want to do more than function too. I'd love to feel motivated and somewhat alive. I have been brutally honest with my caregivers that we are all unique and I will tell them where I need help. It's the being alone now after all this time that is having, I me, an opposite reaction. I thought I was adapting last year because there were so many things to do. This year I don't and am limited physically. It's a bad combination. i get so tired of people saying Steve would want me to be happy. Of course he would! But he would also know that is a hard goal to aspire to when you've lost a big part of the recipe. It's not like substituting margarine for butter. An ingredient is totally missing. Things I also did last year are now hard because of physical limitations, so mortal as well as mental pain.

The point I was trying to make is bitterness is also a normal response to grief. We all have choice, but it also encompasses each of our experiences. Even if one lives in bitterness or some other emotion, hopefully it is not forever. I always have to remind myself that the 'stages' penned by Kubler Ross were for the dying, not those left behind. I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. My furry kids are the only things that are a stable force in my life now.

Different phases, different time lines, different personalities. All adds to the melting pot of this place.

I hadn't thought about the holiday and grills. I was outside with the dogs and the church across the street fired up thier grill and I was flooded with memories of how big a deal it was every Sunday for Steve to grill something for dinner. How he took pride in figuring out precise times and ways to adjust burners for whatever. I know I smelled neighbors doing that last summer, but it didn't hit me like it did today. I swear it is this 2nd year crap. More and more time away from what was our daily life and not getting used to it, but the opposite. I have to keep reminding myself there is nothing wrong with me just because I am surrounded by people simply living life as I used to.

I think whatever we feel at any given time thru this is a stage of grief. I've felt bitter at times. I've felt so many things that confuse me as to why for a split second and then I go....whoa! My partner is dead, I am alone now. Sometimes I think we want so desperately to feel normal that we try and sideline or downplay the reality which is ludicrous. Can't be done. The very few times I have felt 'competent' or whatever the word is and suddenly fall into an emotional pit my mind tries to find ANY other reason but the truth because it just can't handle the magnitude of it. Kevin, I am one of those that sees sayings like you posted above as 'rah rah' platitudes that look like posters that should be hung in some kind of motivational museum. I get the sentiment, but they usually make me feel like I am somehow failing in some way because they are too simple. I'd love to believe it or feel it, but can't.

I've withdrawn from phone calls for a few weeks. I was doing the same thing. Almost counting the minutes it would be polite enough to find an excuse to hang up. I really want to feel interested in other people's lives, but I can't. They always have so much going on and my big news may be that I got thru half a day without needing to cry. How do you explain to people that it is a major accomplishment just getting out of bed? Or you finally found the energy to vacuum? I haven't been able to tell most the truth that I want to be interested. I fake it as best I can. It's like being 2 people. I'm amazed at my new found acting ability.

Works hat way for us women too, Kat. I don't know how I would be feeling about that if is was 20 to 30'years younger. So 60 gets a plus mark in this instance.