Cookie

Brad...so sweet, your granddaughter. Could hardly get through listening to that song.... Oh Gin, 16 years, any years with someone you are truly connected to is everything....

Scba: I feel much the same. New Year's was much sadder than Christmas, and after all this time I keep wondering the same thing, "how am I going to survive this life of grief and pain." It feels like I'm doing time.......hugs to you, Cookie

Oh Gin, John kind of said the same things to me at the end. He felt so bad that I was having to go through this, and I could only say that he was the one suffering so much. I also would do anything to have my "burden back." It was not a burden. Taking care of him was a privilege and honor and he was so gracious. Hugs to you......Cookie

Gwen: I agree with the anxiety becoming a more recognized stage. I guess I was slightly prone to anxiety before John died, but nothing on this scale. Since he's died, that has been my primary problem....and I also agree that it somehow comes out of that feeling of not fitting in, being on the outside looking in, etc. For 2 years I woke up every morning with horrible anxiety, and now I get up right away and get busy. They come out of nowhere it seems. I guess there are triggers everywhere that you aren't even aware of. I had quite a bit of anxiety this New Year's and I think it had to do with knowing I was that much further away from him in time. Thought it was supposed to get better with time (that's what everyone says). Well, that's not true.

I have to say I'm right there with you TomPB.....Cookie

Wow, so cool! Thanks, Janka....

Not much spirit here. Sat up last night and watched the ball drop, then said "Happy New Year's" to my dog....so aware of John being so gone. The bottom did not fall out, but just a baseline sadness as usual. I also didn't feel celebratory, as in parties. It's such a couple's holiday. We never did much other than having a nice dinner together, John would play his guitar or harmonica, and we would watch the ball drop together and always kiss and tell each other how lucky we were to be together. Wishing for peace in this new year for myself and all of you....Cookie

I'm comforted to read here that I'm not the only one who talks to my precious one. I had said that he feels near sometimes, but on the flip side always so far away at the same time. It is the strangest thing and so I always feel this bittersweet feeling. He's just always in my head anyway whether I'm consciously talking to him or not. Miss him, miss him, miss him so much!

You're so right Janka. We do need to make it happen if we can. I just think this is a long, long process, longer than most would imagine. I've been reading some about brain science. They talk about how we have all these neural pathways to this person we loved love and loved us. It takes a long time to rewire all this....not that it will ever be complete, but at least you can create new pathways to other love and pleasures....this makes sense to me, I guess because of the science of it. You strike me as such a hopeful and beautiful person.....hugs, Cookie

Marg: I also get that feeling that maybe John is here...but nothing concrete. I always think it's wishful thinking on my part....but, hey, if it works....I would like to think he is here, but then I get mad because I think, well if he's here why doesn't he show himself....then I think I am really losing it. Oh boy. I talk to him a lot and the universe....

Kayc: Thanks for the well wishes. My daughter has been helping me but she's pretty reclusive at times. I am one of those type A personalities when it comes to physical activities, so I'm my own worst enemy....trying to balance this out. The problem is, you don't always have good guidelines to follow...they say as tolerated, but that could mean anything, so struggling with that. It was just arthroscopic, so I'm thinking all will be well regardless. I know, I'm just being pitiful....all will be well.....good wishes to you....Cookie

I don't know, Brad, about the "big boy pants." I was told I needed to put my "big girl pants" on right after John died. I am quite resistant to that idea and said I don't own a pair. This is just damn hard and sorrowful no matter how much time goes by. I had some sweet times this year; was only myself and my daughter, who isolates when she's sad, so it was mostly just me. I had moments of pure crying just like in the beginning, and I always come around to well he's gone, you have to just figure this out. I alternate between focusing on looking forward to when I will be with him again to trying to work up some enthusiasm for a future where I can find peace even without him. We don't know what will happen....anything could, right? I usually cope with this by hiking and yoga, but this year had arthroscopic knee surgery on the 21st and it's been a struggle. Being physical as a coping mechanism can be quite a disadvantage sometimes. I wish I was a couch potato and loved to sit around watching movies, etc. I can't wait to get back to walking and moving.....wish you all the best and hugs to all...I know this is god-awful for everyone....Cookie

Yes, exactly how I feel....

Marg: Love this...he looks like he was so much fun.....Cookie

I can relate to all of you. Dread these darn holidays. Trying to get by. It's been 2 and 1/2 years, but still so sad to be without John. I also had knee surgery and on the third day. It was a arthroscopic meniscectomy but it hurts and, of course, I can't seem to make myself just sit and rest. I'm trying, but when I do that I can't get away from the horrible sorrow. At least walking and doing something physical allows some peace for a while. Although you wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is a comfort to know you're not alone in how you feel. I know you are all hurting too. Hugs to everyone....Cookie

Thanks all: My surgery is arthroscopic. I will have someone to take me and bring me home....listen to what they say after the surgery. Hard. It used to be John and I didn't even think about it; just knew he would take care of me (spoiled, I know). I am grateful that I have someone to help me, though. I heard from another widow recently whose husband died about the same time. She said she is managing well....what is the magic bullet? I want it. I can say that I'm managing, but well does not fit. I am jealous; that's all there is to it. I'm hoping to be up and around quickly. Activity is what has saved me these last 2 and 1/2 years. Best wishes to you all. There are so many sad pitfalls this time of year especially. I think we all try to get joy where we can, though....hugs, Cookie

Darrel: Am so sorry for your pain and feel for you. It is very similar to how I feel after 2 1/2 years; just when I'm hoping I might be navigating this better, more neutral, it cycles around and I've realized that this is probably what it will be for a long, long time, if not always. You loved Cookie so much; you did the right thing by her. I have this terrible feeling at times that I failed John is some way at the end. He woke up in the middle of the night he died which woke me up but I checked him in a half asleep daze and went back to sleep; I heard him breathing heavily but he had been doing that off and on for a while. He died at 4:00 that morning; I woke up to his last breath at that time. I wouldn't have been able to save him, but I've wished many times that I had woken myself up completely and been holding him, talking to him up until he took his last breath...it hurts still.....take care, Cookie

That's the way I feel. Everyone is so busy, planning to see family, traveling, etc. I feel very alone in this. I'm sure others like me are out there, but don't know where. Clenching in the pit of my stomach...will try to enjoy whatever I can of the holidays but boy this hurts every time it comes around. So sorry about whatever these tests you are having Gwen. It is damn hard to face alone! I am having knee surgery on the 21st; had to do it all alone...the doctor's visits, tests, etc. It is really hard....but it is what it is as they say. Good luck to you in whatever you're going through....hugs, Cookie

Yes, totally relate to this.....

Janka: The pictures are so beautiful. It's true that in the most beautiful places like the mountains, you definitely sacrifice in terms of employment. I was lucky enough to work at home as a transcriptionist and John was an 8th grade math teacher, so we were able to live here. John also was always helping me, like your Jan, even though back then I always wanted to do things myself. I certainly miss having someone in my life like that now because I realize it was his way of showing his love. So, how close to those beautiful mountains do you live? Do you still go at all? I hate seeing people smoke...something that you have control over and the consequences can be so devastating, as you well know...take care, Cookie

I know what you mean, Gin; it's hard....sometimes I feel the same, and it seems like everyone where I live has a mate except me sometimes; I'm surrounded by couples!

Marg: I have struggled with fear and anxiety a lot since John died. It started actually right after he died. It's changed but in some ways worse, this, now, 2 1/2 years out. I've come to realize it's definitely related to losing John and it just cycles around. So sorry it's happening to you...Cookie

Gin: I hope I can give you some hope. I had a terrible back injury about 20 years ago. It went on for 3 years with no diagnosis. They finally told me there was nothing I could do and to just take antidepressants and learn to live with it. I was so depressed. I had tried everything, but, of course, I had my wonderful husband here to keep supporting me, saying all would turn out okay. I had sciatica down both legs that never stopped, sharp shooting pain day and night. What finally worked for me was Bikram's yoga, the hot kind. It took a year of doing it every day. I am not suggesting that is what you need, but only saying that it is true when it seems like there is absolutely nothing that will help, sometimes there is; it just takes time to find it. I'm kind of leaning on that idea in terms of wondering if this terrible grief-induced pain I'm in will ever smooth out...my John would say it would....we'll see. Anyway, I'm wishing a resolution for your back pain and I know it is so hard to go through alone....take care, Cookie

Janka: Oh the smoking! That would be the worst. I live alone but out in the country, and, although I used to treasure the peace, without John here it has changed from wonderful to painful most of the time. I don't know which would be worse, neighbors or none at all. But, I think that neighbors like you're talking about would definitely be worse. My heart goes out to you. But really, the actually living alone after having a partner is the worst of all. Don't know if I'll ever get used to it. There are so many little things. Yes, you do just go on and put aside all the painful little things, but that gets tiring and every once in a while I just stop and realize how hard I'm working at trying not to hurt at every little turn in this house. I hope for change in the future.....I've thought about roommates but can't get motivated for that right now; that sounds like a lot of work too. I do love being outdoors and living in a place like this certainly affords me that opportunity...just walk out the door and the beautiful woods are all around. It's the going back in that is deadly.....love to you all, Cookie

Crying is a funny thing. You can cry but it doesn't always bring comfort. I have cried plenty, but always have felt constricted in some way, especially if I'm in the presence of someone because it almost always makes them uncomfortable; they can be well-meaning and kind but still have a hard time hearing the pain. Crying alone can be hard too because I've needed someone to just be there; there is a comfort in that; I guess it's like what John used to do for me when I was upset about something because he cared so much. I've been having a hard time (like I know everyone here has) with the time of year; I had a dream last night where a woman was standing in front of me and I said to her "I'm so, so sad." She put her arms around me and I just sobbed and sobbed all out, and she just held me without saying anything; was just a strong presence, a companion to my pain; no judgment, no discomfort felt.