Cookie

I'm jealous...you can build a computer!

Yeah, plus I think the many years you spend with someone start kicking in, all the special little things that you do for each other and share, the exquisite closeness that develops from living so closely with someone....the richness of relationship--love...the thing we were all so lucky to have cultivated and now are suffering so much without....

Kayc: Thanks for the support. I am trying to keep walking....two 10-minute walks a day right now and hoping to be able to up that before too long. The worst part of this is my brain. It's set on the "move" mode for mental health. John died at 4:30 in the morning and by 9:00 a.m. I had hit the mountain behind my house and hiked for 3 hours, bushwacking through rhododendron, poison ivy, etc., fell several times but I couldn't stop. I remember feeling like a zombie. I think it was the only way I could cope initially. It's really what has gotten me through this far, so I am struggling mightily with having to pull back. I do a lot of one-legged pushups, arms swings, yoga upper body stretches.....

That is a cute story about your husband. Mine was similar in a way....not very sentimental, but he would fix things around the house and say that was how he showed me he loved me. I never had a wedding ring and about 2 years before he died he had a beautiful white gold ring custom made for me and asked me to marry him....it just knocked me over because he just wasn't sentimental that way....but, I still wear that ring and am so grateful for it....Cookie

Oh my gosh, how beautiful that is! It was truly a loving gesture on her part. My thoughts are with you.....Cookie

Gin: Feeling for you. I'm there with you about looking at pictures. Some people say it brings them comfort, and I guess in a way it does a little, but then it always hurts, the wanting them back feeling hits hard when you see them frozen in a picture. I know you must miss him so terribly...take care, Cookie

Mary Beth: I have said those exact same words many times....I do get it....it's 2 and 1/2 years since I lost John, my love. I'm still here and I still have moments when I say those exact words and feel that way....my heart goes out to you. You are not alone....it does hurt so much; I'm so sorry.....

Marg: Yes, 2015....I have an avoidance of that year and worse still the day, June 13. My birthday is December 13th; can you believe that...just the number sets me back. I've thought about changing my birthday. I would rather have a birthday in the spring or summer anyway. I've made it these 2 plus years but at times don't feel like I can go on, but I do. That had to be terrible, not being able to get up; real terror is right. The way I can relate to that is after this surgery I've had, I got out to do my 10-minute walk (unbelievable--was walking 2 hours) and when it was time to head back to the car, felt like I might not make it. I've always been very athletic and never had any problems doing what I wanted physically. What a wake-up call. I start worrying about what will happen if I don't get my strength back, etc. I actually had this arthroscopic surgery hoping it would save me from a total knee replacement down the road. Hopefully, it will.

I really feel for you too......thanks for your kind words.

Oh, Marty...thanks so much for your words of comfort and support. It helps.

Marg: I love your word salads. Wish I had the gift. When I read some of the posts here of such sorrow and depression, I always can relate somewhat because I've been there off and on myself through this whole thing and continue to be. I know that what a person writes at the moment may not be where they are down the road. That's what helps me I guess, knowing that all things change and who knows what is around the corner. But, I feel such compassion for the pain here, as I have it myself and at least you can express it here, where you can't usually to most people wherever you are. If you can, that's wonderful. I just happen to be surrounded by a lot of people who don't get it, many couples, bless them.....Cookie

My husband, John, also said he wanted me to be happy and live life shortly before he died. I also think "yeah, right" and feel angry at him for not realizing how hard that would be. But, of course, I'm glad he didn't have to experience this. Distractions do work to do just that--distract. I am always left with the reality when the distraction is over and it feels like I am on a treadmill. Exercise has helped me the most, but, unfortunately, I had knee arthroscopy a month ago, and it looks like it will be a while before I'm back up to speed, and sometimes right now I wonder if I will get there. Has anyone else here had knee arthroscopy? I thought it would be a quicker recovery. Maybe I'm just impatient. I am impatient with all of this that's for sure. I tell myself there could be worse things. People have much worse physical difficulties, but at the end of the day I can't take a long walk right now and it's killing me. I am a baby I guess. Hanging in there....Cookie

Gwen: You are not alone. I feel very similar things...time doesn't seem to lessen the pain as I was told. Now, I will say that it's changed. I also don't cry as much, but I can't seem to get really excited about anything and spend a lot of time looking at things I should do and then walking away without enthusiasm. I agree, life is about having someone to love and be loved by. I don't know about you, but I'm on the older end of it at 68. I was very active until I had knee arthroscopy a month ago and now am very restricted and going crazy. That was the one thing I could count on to bring some balance to me when I was really down. Having some difficulties with this healing thing and hoping it does heal. I get really scared about things that John used to be able to reel me back from. I am missing him more than ever at this time. So the question is how do you find others to be in your life when there is little to no family? That is not as easy as it sounds either. There are friends but they are wrapped up in their husbands and families. Wow, just letting you know that I struggle with a lot of the same feelings as you....fondly, Cookie

Thanks for all of your feedback. There is important perspective in each of your posts. These are hard things to talk about but it's nice to have others to talk about them with. Appreciate you guys...Cookie

I understand that too, Mitch. I don't even know how it would be for me to be with someone else....I think I'm so lonely for John I feel like I can't stand it sometimes, so I start asking myself what else can I do. He definitely was my lifetime love also, and I feel a little angry that he's gone. I guess that's why in reality I'm just looking for a friend......

Brad: Most of the men I know are part of a couple (heck, most of the men and woman I know are) and the ones who aren't, well I can't imagine inviting to do something. I did invite my friend's brother to hike and he interpreted it as romantic interest. Seems like it's easier for men to branch out....am I right or wrong. I think what you are doing is a great idea. You seem to have hit on something. I'll find my way....or keep trying.

Karen: Would just like to find a regular man out there, preferably who knows what this grief thing is all about and is looking for the same thing, someone to spend time with, laugh, have good conversation, etc., that's all....seems so simple, but apparently isn't....

Gwen, that is part of my uneasiness...the not knowing who you're dealing with. I also met a man through a friend of mine, her brother. He wanted to date but I didn't have the interest in that respect towards him. He ended up finding a woman who really liked him and they are dating. This is so hard. Don't know if I'll do the site, but I hate remaining stagnant and doing nothing. Right now, my knee is keeping me from doing what I usually do when I get like this which is hike and yoga. It's driving me crazy...maybe that is what this is about....

Yeah Gin, I have no idea of how to go about this. I met John at 18 and we were together for 47 years.....not really the dating queen, and I just want a friend and companion too......I'll keep you posted, though.

It's true, Marg, memories can't sustain us and for me sometimes they hurt, especially the wonderful ones....I definitely feel like I'm running on empty a lot and rudder-less, but I get up every day and find ways to keep going.....hugs to you too, Cookie

Kayc: I loved your post. You are always so uplifting in your responses, and although it wasn't directed at me personally, I took a lot away from it. You are right, we have to remember the love that was there....I, too, have regrets and can stuck in them, but I also know that we had a love that was so deep and complete and we both lived it. Cookie

Well, I am in another crisis of loneliness....one in which I crave John's touch and presence but I know that is not going to happen now. In the beginning, I used to think I could conjure his spirit up and actually tried so hard sometimes. Reality is setting in at 2 1/2 years. I actually googled dating sites for widows/widowers and found a place called widowsorwidowers.com. Anyone heard of it? It's funny, I got in there and felt horrible just being on the site for a lot of reasons--am I giving up on John (even though I know he's gone), could I really spend time with someone else, etc.....after you've had close companionship and love for so many years, it's debilitating to go without it....also, I'm an older woman. Does anyone else struggle with this? I would give anything to have him back, but I try to imagine the rest of my life without closeness....it's a very bleak picture.

Mitch: My heart goes out to you. Triggers are so powerful. I have them all the time still and you don't usually see them coming. You also had a double whammy with it being your anniversary. It hurts....hugs, Cookie

Tony: Five months is so fresh....hugs to you. It's been 2 1/2 years for me, but I also miss my husband, John, still so much. I also hope I will see him in another life; counting on it....Cookie

Olemisfit: It is true that it's such a comfort to know you are not alone, that what you feel has been felt by others. My husband and I were together 47 years and 2 1/2 seems like nothing in the context of that. There are people around me who suggest that 2 1/2 years is a long time, but I know that they don't get it. When I come to this site, I see myself in so many of the posts and I just hit like because it's been said already so well by another. Bless all of you people.....Cookie