rdownes

It really did make me happy when I thought is was Kevin he loved our grandbabies so much, boydo I wish there was a way to know for certain he is still around other than in my heart I miss him so much.

Me my two daughters and my two year old grandson were in my back yard tonight listening to Kevin's music and talking about him my grandson was climbing on me but he kept looking behind me past the porch he started talking about a ball I turned to look and there was nothing there (it was dark out) he then walked of the porch and kept looking at that spot talking about a ball smiling and telling us to look, and talking to the spot this went on for over 5 minutes my daughter then told me that since Kevin passed my grandson does that almost everyday they live with me could it be his pop pop he sees Kevin loved him so much and always was playing with him.

I think that since Kevin passed my taking care of myself has drastically reduced I work to jobs, I can't fall asleep before 4 and I get up at six, I can be so tired at work but then I get home and go into my Kevin mode, I listen to his voice message,I talk to him. I listen to his music sleep is definitely not a friend to me.

You need to have a life outside of your kids, as long as they know you love them you do not need their permission, when my kids all finally move out I will be completely alone my life was Kevin and my kids for 26 years I have no real friends and do not talk to my family, but I do not dwell on that now, you need to do what you need to do for yourself just keep letting them know you love them and express your feelings about their father I wish you did not have to be a part of this group but am glad you found it

I am working on stopping with the why because I know that question will never get an answer it was just a bad day I know I did not cause Kevin's death it is just I was thinking if God caused it because of what I said as his answer, George you are so right this is all part of our grief journey I will find my peace one day, I will live with Kevin in my heart and I will learn to live my life again with his spirit right by my side I know I have a long journey ahead but grief will not win , Mich I am so sorry today was such a hard day for you what you said is so true this grief journey is way to hard and sometimes it overwhelms us but we will all have our soulmates with us forever maybe not physically but they will be right by our side and in our hearts, I to come on this site just to read, I post alot but this is the only place that understands what I am going through, Kaycee yes so true I loved Kevin with my soul.

It seems like things are falling into place for you I am glad for you I am sure your Conner is right by your side.

What that doctor did was so not right, people just don't understand. I chose to stay in the house my Kevin passed away in I can't deal with moving right now maybe one day l will reach the point that I realize even though Kevin can not physically be here anymore to be a part of making memories he is with us in everything we do because he is in our hearts so in a way he will still be a part of the new memories, I know that time right now feels like the enemy and the loneliness sets in more but I have hope just a few weeks ago I couldn't get out of bed without having to relive the he is gone feeling, that doesn't happen anymore I get up and have excepted he is gone it sucks but slowly I am adjusting it is so hard and some days I feel I can't do it anymore but I have hope and that keeps me going right along with my thoughts of my Kevin and his love for me there is no rush in anything everyone has their own pase my thoughts are with you

Thank you all for listening I had to let it out. I was doing so good with the guilt I haven't felt the need to apologize everyday anymore it is just the lyrics brought back that day and I felt so overwhelmed and I wanted to be honest about Kevin I feel like I have a family here who understands and and even though the reason we are here sucks I am happy to have found it.

I am sharing this because I feel very close to you all, I feel like I need to be completely honest about Kevin, and why my guilt is so strong, I just walked into my house and a song was on the radio and one of the lyrics had "you were asking for it " I lost it you see yes I was stressed due to my working and the bills but there is more to it with Kevin's bipolar came addictions to self medicate first it was alcohol which he stopped in 2004 them about five years ago it turned to addiction to pain killers it has always been something for us I could never give up on him or leave him my love was to strong and everything I wrote about how he felt was all the way he was, he tried so hard but his addition always got the best of him he was doing good he was two months clean when he passed, anyways he would always lie to me about using which I always new when he was do one day sitting outside I said Lord please help me give me a sign I just don't know what to do anymore I love him but I can't do it anymore, two months later he is gone was this gods way of help because if it was it was not what I wanted I did not ask for this I wanted my Kevin better not gone, I was not comfortable sharing this st first, I did not want Kevin to be judged or thought of as anything less than the man who loved me unconditionally, we still don't know why he passed away in our living room, I just needed to share

Mard Happy Birthday to your Billy,I am sure he saw everything done for him today in his honor.

Happy birthday Gin I am sure your All was there right beside you today.

For some reason I wanted to read my first posts so I did and I wanted to thank everyone who has helped me with sharing their grief with me it has truly helped me I take in so much, if I chose the wrong word in what I am going to say I am sorry and feel free to correct me but I have decided I am at war with my grief, will I feel all the sorrow yes, will I cry every tear yes, will I wanna give up some days yes grief may win some battles but if it takes until my last breath I will win the war,I will reach that point where Kevin's name brings joy not pain, I will reach the day when my smiles our way my tears, I will find my peace.

I am so sorry you are going through this there is no easy answers, I know how you feel the one thing we want we can't have our soulmate back, my Kevin has only been gone two months and I have days where I feel like I can't take this pain anymore but the next day there I am getting up to face another day, I have had a neighbor tell me a week into my grief glad to see you are doing better because I was not crying I felt like screaming I am not ok I feel like my heart is ripped out, unless someone has gone through this they will never understand I have accepted that, I wish I had a magical word to tell you how to make it through your day, all of our grief is our own what I have learned is we just do, for me it is alittle easier to get up now I no longer have the shock of him not being here when I get up. I tell myself he is gone and I will not have him physically by me anymore and it brings me to tears but I listen to his music everyday and I hold his love for me close in my heart everyday, I talk to him both in my head and out loud I have so long to go in my grief journey but I truly believe we can find a sense of peace if needed just take one breath at a time my heart is with you and understands you pain

My desire to live is for me, I do not want to pass away, I have not had suicidal thoughts, do I hurt beyond words yes, do I miss Kevin with all my heart yes, do I want to be with him again yes but I am not looking forward to not being on this earth to see my soulmate again even though my life is not the same and it is empty and full of sadness I know it will not always feel this bad and I like life.

I never thought of permission before, I do not think for me personally I will have to give myself permission to smile and live again I think slowly it will happen and I think this because I do smile still though not very much yesterday I played with my grandson and it was genuine joy for the first time in two months and my grandson lives with me he is two. I can still sometimes smile at what people say and it is not forced,I am far away from being ok but I already walk around with the thought of the greatest man on the planet loved me and it gets me through, I love music Kevin's music keeps him close to me I know I am a younger widow so most people won't know the music Kevin listened to or even like it but he listened to rock and he loved metallica they have a not so hard song called nothing else matters I listen to it everyday it has a lyric that goes "trust I seek and I find in you, everyday for us something new,open mind for a different view,and nothing else matters" I live by that I live by now. Me and Kevin never talked about death but who in their 40's thinks about dying, I love all the suggestions that come from people farther along I have learned so much from everyone and I appreciate everyone sharing their pain to comfort others.

I think Kevin's music and the music I find will be a healing trigger one day because even I cry alot when I listen to it, it sometimes makes me smile, though rare sometimes certain thoughts make me smile I have to remember them more.

I wish with all my heart you did not have to be here for this site means you lost your soulmate, I lost my husband on May 17 and it feels like a pain I can not explain, I am considered raw in my grief to I wish with all my heart I could take your pain away, I have learned so much from these amazing people. I know that no one can make the pain disappear that in time we will learn to live with it and hopefully find peace I am along ways away I cry everyday and feel so empty but I have a sense of hope that one day I will be ok, for me personally that meaning accepting my Kevin being gone, still feeling sad at times but also feeling happy because of the love we shared. Post often it truly helps. You are not alone.

I can tell by your story how much you loved him and he loved you that alone is truly a blessing some people never find such love I feel for you this week I will think of you. I think planting the magnolia tree is truly a tribute to your Charley I hope you find some sense of peace this week.

At least I know that this doesn't only happen to me I am always losing and forgetting things lately all I can think about is Kevin I thought it was happening because of it being only a few months now I know it happens no matter how far you are.

I try to live moment to moment it is just so hard, that day was just beyond hard I could not find any peace that day but I guess days like that just happen, believe it or not my tears usually bring me comfort it makes me feel close to Kevin it is when I can't stop the pain at all that it bothers me, yesterday after work I just slept all day until this morning somehow someway I must carry on I want to thank everyone for listening I know I post alot it brings me a sense of relief though I know everyone on this site is suffering and I hope on day we all reach the point of peace.

Today was harder than usual and today was not a special day I only worked my one job today so had lots of free time, I listened to his music, was looking at his shrine. we have a shelf in our living room that has all Kevin's pictures, some of his stuff, stuff from the viewing , candles and his ashes the missing him was unbearable could not get him out of my head at all today,felt empty beyond words usually I can get my mind distracted at some point not today. I went outside and neighbors blocks over had music playing so loud and they were enjoying themselves at first I got mad for a second. I actually got mad at their laughter. I them got sad because Kevin brought so much excitement to the house and now it is just dull, sometimes I do not know who I am becoming today was an I can't do this anymore day, tomorrow is two months but it feels like eternity already I try do hard to keep pushing through but days like today I wanna give up,I am sorry to burden everyone with my pain all the time I know everyone on here is hurting to it is just no one else understands how broken I feel. Robin

My days are filled with work I work to jobs and now with Kevin gone I think I will be working to pay my bills till my time to go, if not working I sit around listening to music and staring at his pictured. My grandbabies come over sometimes but can't really bring myself to play like I used to but the do make me smile sometimes I feel like I am letting them and my kids down I used to always play with them, now it's like I want to but can't find it in my head to do it I married Kevin at 18 so I honestly can't remember who I was, I was a young teenager with teenage dreams everything I am today is because of Kevin I wish I knew how to fill up time just to shut of my brain.

Beautiful song I am sure Tammy is with you in everything you do. She is walking right beside you.

Your grandbaby is beautiful, I am sure you Mary can see all your writing.

That would be hard for me to watch , I wish I had some kind of sign it makes me sad because my children have seen signs Kevin's mom has seen signs but I get nothing it makes me wonder if he is upset with me or if he even still loves me, am having really hard coping days lately but am pushing through, I hope it was signs from your loved ones.