rdownes

I just wish that the feeling I get everytime I forget he is gone would stop because it feels like a mac truck running over my heart, how can you forget someone is gone boy do I wish heaven had a phone it would be so nice not to answer my own thoughts.

Christmas is spent at my house every year, I think I will see how I feel then but you are right I can be ok as far as not crying and coping with my day then I will just cry, it is so hard I keep waiting for my heart and mind to remember he is not coming back last night my son and his girlfriend picked me up at work which is typical now it used to be Kevin, I got in the car and started thinking about telling Kevin something and my heart sank because I was like he isn't home he won't ever be home again. I mean I talk to him in my head all the time but I guess this time I forgot, everyday is so hard. I miss him so much

I want to let you know I feel and understand what you are going through lost my husband almost two months ago we were together 26 years and I feel blessed to of had them I could not imagine having to cope at such a young age or with a baby. I truly feel for you and wish you didn't have to be here my grief is still considered raw, and I wish I had some magical words t take it all away but I don't. I feel like you I will never have another soulmate Kevin was my life, I still can't believe he is gone, I cry everyday and I feel like my heart has been ripped out, this is not easy it hurts, butin going through the pain we might somehow find a sense of peace not that we will ever feel better or ever be our old selves but we have people who need us in this would, I have found so much comfort on this site, I try to take in what people tell me, I find a sense of hope on this site, it really does help to post your thoughts not that anyone can make your pain go away we all have our own grief journey but these people truly care about you I call them my family now I can't move I feel the need to stay because a new house would have no memories of Kevin just remember one day, one step,one breath at a time that is how I must live now to deal with the pain.

I will try not focus on it now, I keep telling myself one day at a time but then something sneaks in I know that one day I will have to face that first maybe I need to feel it to move past it but it scares me,I know I have to face many firsts but it is scary to think of the pain, I try so hard everyday to feel my loss but some days it can just take my breath away, my daughter asked me if I can still see her dad's face when I close my eyes because she can't I told her yes I can see him eyes opened or closed, that is why I want to feel and remember so I never forget I will try and see how I feel when it gets closer I just fear the overwhelming pain

I feel your pain and wish you didn't have to be here it is the worst feeling in the world, we are are at the same time frame of loss my husband passed onMay 17,2016 it is the hardest thing you will have deal with at least for me it is, I wish I could tell you it gets better right now I am not at that level, I still cry everyday, I still miss him everyday, and as much as it hurts we need to feel this to at some time feel some peace not that we will feel better but so we can live with our loss because we have people who need us, I listen to music all the time I look for songs to express my feelings it helps me, this site has helped me these people know our pain and even though they are suffering they try to comfort you with a hope that peace might be someday achievable post your feelings it help you are not alone in your journey

My kids were talking about Christmas today and I told them I was choosing not to celebrate this year I honestly do not want to think of that first it hurts to think and it is not here yet. My son told me I had to celebrate because of my grandbabies I told him that it my choice that I can not force myself to be either happy or sad right now that my emotions are just what the are on that day, am I being selfish for wanting no part a Christmas this year, it was not even that Kevin loved the holidays he was almost always sad or angry around Christmas I think his father passing had alot to do with it on top of the bipolar but on Christmas he would make the Italian Christmas dinner, he would want to hand out the gifts he would have to watch every present be opened it will be hard enough trying to deal with everyone's Christmas cheer around me at work I work in retail not that people do not deserve happiness but it's hard when yours is gone at this moment I do not want any part of Christmas.

I am sure today will be hard I will keep you in my thought your words were do touching and I am sure he feels your love wherever he is.

I feel for you I hope you are able to do the grieving you need so you can heal that is my goal one day I want to heal.

Every night since Kevin passed I have sat outside under the stars playing his music or songs I find, my kids will sit outside we talk about dad and I cry alittle, then they go inside and I talk to Kevin, listen to music a ball my eyes out. Tonight my son asked me is I was going outside I said not tonight I don't want to be in sad mode, my kids were shocked then I felt bad like I didn't want them to think I wasn't sad anymore I just told myself I needed a break from tears tonight. I had cried and listened to music this morning. Why do I feel bad about not wanting to feel bad tonight I decided to watch West Side Story my sadness can continue tomorrow.

I stopped watching the news years ago do much sadness and violence this is not the world I want for my kids or grandbabies, I really don't go on web much accept for here have no use for it.

I am having trouble with my beliefs right now but I hope whereever Kevin is he is at peace because his life was so hard.

I posted a post for my husband Kevin and Marty was nice to help me with the link but I feel the song by Jessica Andrews You will never be forgotten is a song dedicated to all our soulmates I do not want to ask Marty to do the link again but if you go to my post songs for Kevin you can here it because our soulmates will never be forgotten.

I have started trying to tell myself they just don't understand and won't unless they experience loss I never did my husband Kevin 's father passed when he was 13 he would talk about himonce in awhile but every year on his dad's birthday he would sleep the day away because it was to hard to deal with, Iwould think it has been 30 plus years how can he still be sad I never understood until now, my cousin lost his mom a year ago I told him the typical things I am sorry she's in a better place nothing that truly helps you or validates your pain, so I am trying tocope better with people though not easy, and it can be difficult to be around happy people sometimes not that you wish them to have to experience what you are going through because it is hell, but in that at least for me my happiness came from my soulmate and he is gone.

That is truly beautiful.

I will try to express myself to my children better I make sure to tell them I love them I do not want to make the same mistake I did with Kevi, I have been reading the topics and trying to take things from them.

I find a sense of comfort on this site in that everyone understands my pain. I try to take in what others tell me and post do I can not feel alone and learn a thing or two from people who have been dealing with their lost for awhile not that it ever gets easy or that their grief is any less but it gives me hope I will make it. I have started telling Kevin I am sorry everyday I hope to one day with time not feel I have to anymore but for now one step,one day, one breath at a time

I wish it was not such a hard day for you, first seem so hard. I was actually ok today in that today being fourth of July really didn't trigger my grief to be any worse than it is right now (which is very hard) not like father's day, but many first to come, I can not imagine 9 months I can barely imagine 2 but I try not to look past the day anymore so not to feel so overwhelmed, I feel for the people who do not see there children much out of my seven only two are moved out but they are talking about moving out in a year or two which is a whole nother stresser since me and Kevin were supposed to start "our time" when they all moved out, his family has had nothing to do with us since the funeral so it is me and my children I hope you day is better tomorrow

I try to tell them I will say things like I miss him so much or he is gone and nothing will bring him back and this just sucks, I am still at the point where talking about him brings me to tears and I shut down,my daughter talks about him frequently,this is not her first loss at 13 she witnessed her best friend get hit and killed by a drunk driver I did not know how to help her so I had her go to counseling I think it is something she learned I think her talking about him frequently is her coping and it is not really sad stuff she talks about it was his day to day life, she is now 18, my one son who is 22 though is so much like his dad the "tuff" man he tells me not to cry we will be ok and that really doesn't help me he says dad wouldn't want us to crykevin was not big on emotions he told my one daughter he only cried once when his dad died and that was at the funeral my son is the same he only shed tears on that day. I am sorry to go on even though I am new to the group I feel like you guys are my family to.

My children are dealing with it better than me, they are sad and miss their dad but they are trying to get back to life which I know the grief of losing a parent is different from a spouse and that is why I try not to let my grief bring them down anymore it is hard though because they tend to try and follow me when I leave where they are I know it pains them to see me so sad and I think they feel to an extent that they lost their mom because I am not the person I used to be, they do ask me though if I need my time that is what I call it when I go outside to think about Kevin and talk to him, I feel bad because I know my pain affects them and they feel bad they can't help me, but no one has the answers for me I must feel everything I am feeling and one day hopefully find some peace, I tell them I am trying but I can't be strong right now.

Today my one daughter came out and told me she thinks I am depressed I told her that I am sad, I do not think I am depressed I think it is only the sadness from Kevin being gone but would I know the difference, can she see something I can't . Yes I am always sad I miss him with every ounce of my body. I listen to his music and cry I look for music that expresses my feelings and I cry, I rarely smile and if I do it fades in an instant. I don't play with my grandbabies anymore, if the kids are trying to have a good day I do walk away to be sad I don't want to drag them down, are there days I feel I can't go on yes but I never think of harming myself and I drag myself to work everyday but can she see something I can't

Those sound like amazing memories, I can see why you would be sad a tradition has stopped and it sounded very amazing. I am sure your granddaughter would have loved it.

That must have felt amazing to feel being back in his arms again, it is so hard for me to even remember, I haven't dreamed of Kevin since he passed I wish I would though. I agree I would not change being with Kevin to avoid this pain, we were all truly lucky and blessed to have felt such love some people never find it I feel for you though about how you felt once you woke up it is like reliving losing him again, this pain is so hard.

I heard a song so true it was jealous of the angels by Jenn Boston if possible please listen to it, this song is so true I am jealous of the Angels, also Jessica Andrews You will never be forgotten two songs that are my feelings for him completely

I should not have put counseling is not an option you are right it is a choice, I have nothing against counseling I am sure it helps people but my guilt is here to stay I could have been nicer the last few years, I could have apologized, I could have not made him feel like he was a bad person, I could have showed him alot more love, yes now I don't get angry with people and I think before I speak but I can't do things differently with Kevin now my chance is gone, do not get me wrong he was no angel with his bipolar he was hard to deal with sometimes but he deserved my love and understanding, he had a reason for what he did it wasn't his fault, he loved me so much one day he said to me "when I die you will find someone new won't you" all I said was really, now I am like he was looking for reassurance I would love him forever, my son the other day was outside when I was crying saying "why did I never say anything nice to him" my son said I know mom but when did dad say anything nice to you, I said I know if the roles were reversed he would be sitting here with the guilt, I hope to be in a place other are at on this site is just is along ways off and I accept that for now

Just being here helps I know that no one can take away my pain with words but I can be around people who understand and maybe one day find hope, I know I didn't cause his death and it was not my fault but how I treated him was my fault I know no one on this sight can erase my guilt the only man who can is gone, I just hope to hear in the afterlife someday I forgive you because I never said I was sorry while he was here I miss him so