Kieron

This came to my mind last night about 3 or 4am, when I got up to feed the cat who was insisting it was time to eat. After putting the food in the dish, I went back to bed half-asleep, but nonetheless I noticed the empty other side of it. It will be 4 years in about 60 days' time, and I thought, "I have adapted. I'm used to being alone." Just a resignation to this realization, this time, but already the days are lengthening and soon the light will be at the same angle as the day he died.

Yes, it does cause physical pain, and glad it was helpful to narrow down what you're dealing with. 🙂 Sometimes naming the issue is enough to help us feel better about it, or feel like we have more control or agency over the situation.

I knew someone with hyperacusis, which is the clinical term for extreme sound sensitivity. He had to go around wearing noise-canceling headphones all the time and would shush people who tried to talk to him, saying "You're too loud!" James, I hope those resources prove to be helpful!

Welcome, and sorry you are in this tough spot in life. I think it's safe to say no one here would say that you're making yourself seem worse off, etc. It's the crap situation you find yourself in and it's very real, and very much untenable or impossible to sustain for long. It's got to feel demoralizing, upsetting, anxiety-provoking, etc. and those emotions, experienced day in and day out, are draining and energy-sapping. And when you are already prone to depression, you're that much more likely to get sucked into that depressive fog all over again. No doubt you are already doing everything humanly possible to prepare for and provide for your household, and I hope that things turn out well for everyone in it. 💖

They always schedule everything for THEIR convenience. You get the illusion of picking the time of your appointment, sometimes, but mostly it's for the convenience of everyone else. James, you do know that you can turn off the video on any video call, and just do audio, right...? Even if you know what they're going to say, and you expect the platitudes and empty words from the counselor, would it not help to get things off your chest verbally?

Was reminded that today is yet another federal holiday in the US. The courts, postal service, government, county and city offices are all closed-- after being open in a very limited fashion, for how long, now? I think we need to modify a few of these excessive holidays that benefit no one but the federal, state, county and city employees. Recognition of the birthday, commemoration or whatever but do they really need to be closed? How does that help anyone?

I know what you mean.

I think you want this one: 🤬 I believe it's a furious face that's swearing, with #@%! over its mouth. 😄

Relating to both of your statements. 😢

Let's have these "some people" experience a loss like yours and like everyone else's here, and report back to you at 6 months whether they think it's time they should be "moving on." 🙄 The nerve of some people.

Whenever that realization hits you, when it really sinks in, that this is permanent, it does feel like this wave crashing down on you. We're with you. We get it. 😢

Completely understandable. First is always worst. You have every right to feel extra heartache right now. 🙁

I'm sorry, Gwen. After a lifetime of paying into Medicare, one would think it would be easier than dealing with workplace insurance but I guess not. ☹️ I recall a site called gethuman.com which has lists of companies and business where you bypass the automated crap and talk to a live person faster. https://gethuman.com/ I've only tried it once and that was awhile ago. For whatever it's worth!

I sure am sorry to read this, and can relate. I've come to believe that when we are close to someone, for any reason be it parent, child, spouse, friend, or whatever, there really is a bond on a number of levels. It's our essential nature as humans (although you'd never guess, given all the cruelty in the world that's glorified in the news and media and movies). When there is a rupture of any kind (betrayal, falling-out, death) it has a physical effect as well as emotional. I think there's an article around here somewhere about the physical effect that the death of a loved one has on our physical heart as well as our emotional heart. There are some spiritual traditions that say we have the physical beating heart but also the emotional one, which is why we feel a hole in the heart in response to any loss. I remember vividly expecting to find a hole in my chest in the days and weeks after my own loss. As for his inappropriate request quoted just above, I looked back at my initial response to your post, and I still think there's something else going on, besides being out of his mind with grief. Time will tell. Meanwhile, don't blame yourself for misjudging his character. We all get "taken in" from time to time. For example, I tend to see the best in people and therefore it's not good for me to work with or be around users/addicts, because their lies and coverups are too-easily believed, but this awareness came at a cost. You learn. 🤷‍♂️

It's nowhere near comparable to that headache, but I am still waiting for my health "insurance" 🙄 card for 2021. I called them yesterday during business hours and the automated message excuse was that the cards should arrive by January 8. (Still nothing today, January 9th). When I finally talked to a live person, the alt-excuse was that they had just processed the premium payment on December 30th so it was taking awhile to send out the cards. I pay how much for this and I can't even get a freaking insurance card on time? Oh you can go online and print one off, so here's how, do this and this. So I logged in, and turns out the feature of printing off temp insurance cards isn't available right now. Honestly! What a sick joke.

I was quite honestly wondering about that, Kay. ☹️ I still wish there was some effective voice recognition program out there, but I know we discussed it once in some thread or another, and they were just no good. As for the DIL, that use of your first name is telling. I know that kind of person who ignores you until THEY want something. Sorry you have to deal with her but good for you to stand firm.

Hello, I am sorry that your friend has turned cold and distant like this, but I want to assure you that you haven't done a thing wrong. Unfortunately, some men are like this in their grief, preferring to go it alone, even cutting themselves off, seeking "normalcy" by denying that help or support is wanted or needed. Reading between the lines, I wonder if his cold, angry reception when you stopped by after work is rooted in his own embarrassment at having reached out in the way he did. Perhaps the pressure caused a "leak" that he was later ashamed of and was covering up with bluffing. Perhaps he was ashamed at reaching out at all, or embarrassed at what he had texted and wished he hadn't done it. Your decision to back off and not initiate contact is understandable. Who wants to be treated that way? At the same time, I understand the wondering if he is OK. You are right, you cannot make him be receptive to help. The old saying about leading a horse to water is a truism. I don't know what more you can do at this time. Hopefully he will get help before he explodes. That kind of "pressure cooker" scenario is unhealthy and tends to get messy. ☹️

Yes, and this applies to other professions in which this "pivot" (getting tired of that word) has forced more established or set-in-their-ways workers to adapt and be creative, or give up and burn out. I've struggled with this myself, and am only now starting to reach my stride. I can now use 4 platforms of video conference with ease--- woot! Dubious accomplishment but I take what I can get. And despite the adaptations, it does wear a person out faster, to be forced to do more with less. I've seen the complaints about teachers, but it's human nature to want things cut and dried. Yes, some are lousy and need to go but are hanging on until retirement, but the same argument can be applied to many, many other professionals-- especially the career politicians.

It's bad, for sure... I am so glad my folks aren't still raising me, so glad I paid off my loans. We are saddling young people with odious debt, and for what? Dubious degrees, speculative jobs that may never materialize? It's the definition of insanity.

I know what you mean, Ana. My t'ai chi class moved to Zoom many months ago and for awhile, I tried, but it's just not helpful or useful, and hard to see the subtle things, receive corrective advice, etc. Plus i always ended up drifting out of the range of the camera. It just felt silly and easier to just stop, and chalk up one more regret in a year full of small regrets. Although I notice it's easier to manage these kinds of things fresh with new topics/new people, versus adjusting from formerly in-person to video.

Yeah, I get this. This past weekend, "holiday" weekend, was grueling in a way it hasn't been in a while. The hollow purposelessness was so strong it was almost tangible. I think I got through to the other side, but back to the ordinary work week, and doing it all over again. There is simply nothing to look forward to, other than spring and that's at least 4 months of snow and ice to get through. 🥴

Having had someone in my house who, I now know in retrospect, was on something and robbing me blind in the days and weeks after Mark's death, I have a lot of sympathy for your situation, and I for one do not think it's "horrible" what you're doing. You do what you have to do. I did what I had to do. I thankfully got rid of the creep but not before losing all my power tools, some electronics, some canned goods, and some semi-precious stones-- probably pawned for whatever he could get. I'm sorry you have been through what you've described in losing two husbands, a situation made harder by an addict's behavior, and I am glad you are able to find some support here.

I'm sorry, as well. Looks like you have received some thoughtful responses already, from those who have been on this journey a longer while. It's going to be raw and fresh for a while, so all of your emotions are natural and to be expected. It's good that you have a therapist lined up, and it sounds like you have some supports around you. But yes, meanwhile everyone's life goes on, with trips, pregnancies, kids, families, Christmas, birthdays, on and on and on, and there you stand... in the middle of the ruins of your life. It's devastatingly unfair. Reading your story brings back a lot of memories for me, and I am so sorry that you were kept out until the end. I well understand watching his life leave him, and feeling his hands grow cold, and the way he looked, after the spirit had flown. I hope you were able to hold him, his hands, his face, and all, at least. They could give you that, at the very least, having kept you out for so long, as you described. 😢

I agree, Kay, about the Charlie Brown Christmas. Corporate greed.

Welcome, it seems you have gotten some great advice. I can relate to the above. I like visiting the desert and seeing cacti and succulents and so on, but I couldn't live there, I don't think. As Kay said, you showed great strength getting that job in a really bad job market. I hope it will be a stepping stone to something in a more desirable area for you. Build up that resume or vitae whenever you can, and document the ex's behavior to use against him --while always taking the high road no matter how he might provoke you. Lies and schemes built up over time have a way of falling apart suddenly, when least expected, and you'll come out smelling like a rose. 🌹