Kieron

I, for one, am relieved that what happened 4 years ago this month isn't happening in this time of covid. he would have been highly at risk since being on dialysis suppresses the immune system. I think I would shatter into a million pieces if I had to deal with that added layer of complexity, esp. being separated as you and Annette were. I look at photos and think how grateful I am I don't have that to worry about. I can't imagine how people living through it now are coping.

Sorry Kay. 🙁 For what it's worth the image I tried to include was huskies. but i guess it didn't save correctly or something and now I can't delete it. oh well....

The heights of irresponsibility on their part. 🙄 So sorry this is happening to you.

Coincidentally (or not) this popped up in my feed a bit ago. Audre Lorde (1934-1992)

Yes, November is the first in a series of hard months for me, as well. My birthday, then the 28th when he collapsed with the beginning of what turned out to be septic shock that no one caught, and down the rabbit hole of December through March, that I have to climb out of in April. Strangely, my eating habits have changed very little, but if I slow down and listen, I can detect a faint sense of hunger that isn't quite physical and is never satisfied.

Everyone wishes they could fix things for you, also, Gwen.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, with this part of it, at least. Our society refuses to educate us about things related to death and dying and grief and hospice and so forth, and when we are forced to deal with those, we are left fumbling around in the dark, having to trust that these "professionals" know what they are doing. Often they do, but there are shady ones who have dollar signs in their eyes. At the worst time of life, we have to make serious, far-reaching decisions while our decision-making capabilities are in shock and often in a shambles. If this outfit you're dealing with were professional, they would use this huge screwup as a chance to refine their technique and services, now that we are forced to have distanced, remote funerals due to Covid. Instead, they're ducking their responsibility to you, their customer. Shameful.

Horrifying. I don't even have words. Oh wait, I do. Of all the unprofessional, inappropriate and underhanded responses! Does the BBB handle complaints against funeral homes and such? Or a funeral director's guild, or professional organization that they have to be licensed with, get continuing education etc.? If a client complained about me, they would go to my licensing board. I would start there, if you can summon the energy. I am so sorry this has happened on top of the rest of it.

First, a disclaimer because I am a wimp when it comes to pain. But I observed how severe and chronic pain affects people, beginning with Mark, but also with my work clients. I have encountered clients who apologize for being short, or unmotivated, or miss appointments, and once they make it clear the reason, I remind them of the above, how pain affects concentration, energy level, etc and they are often almost in tears that someone gets it vs looking down on them. I wish this opioid "crisis" we have in the US would result in real reform.

Hey. I don't see it as my place to comment on whether you "messed up a lot." Since you asked for a reply, though, I will say a few things. Unless I am mistaken, it looks like you have a LDR (long distance relationship), correct? And the LDR started in July 2020? If this is the case, then I would like to--very gently--point out that having romantic relationships through the medium of texting and social media leaves both parties with the following problems: misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and having feelings hurt by unexplained silences from the other person. Without the clues of tone, pitch, volume, body language, eye gaze, and so on, we "read into" things that may not be there. Also, don't forget, we humans are wired for that dopamine kick from the instant message notification. Ding! Incoming message! Yay, I get my "fix"! And then the letdown when you wait for the next message... and wait, and wait, and wait for something that takes forever to arrive. And I have not even addressed her loss, the gaping wound, the hole in her life where her dad used to be. I interpret "last august" to be 2 months ago, August 2020? Unless I am really mistaken, it's been probably 60 days since her dad died. She's going to be out of her mind with disbelief, loss, anger, sadness, crying spells, numbness, and back to disbelief and all the rest of it. I'm sure she doesn't know her own mind right now. Her back-and-forth behavior is a clue about that. That's what happens to us, because we're human. Grief and loss scrambles our wiring for awhile and makes decision-making impossible. I think your instinct to give her space is wise, considerate, and compassionate. If I were in your place, I would make it clear that you wish her well and will respect her space while she grieves. And then stick to that.

Indeed, the only "way out" of it is through it, including when we're in the thick of it as you both are, right now. ❤️

Welcome, and glad you found us and sorry for the reason you had to. Let me reinforce what Marty says here. The feelings you describe are natural and to be expected, after experiencing this major and life-altering loss. This is the time for the emotional washout, along with getting mad, angry, and whatever else comes up. 53 years of life with her is almost certainly half of your life, if not longer. And at 6 weeks, yes, I'm sorry to say, it's going to ache like this for a while longer. I think it is a different sort of challenge for us guys in some ways. Sometimes it helps to do something physical, like build something, make something, or exercise --which it seems you are doing. And It does get easier, yes, but not in a progressive, predictable way. You'll always find yourself shifting forward and backward, then sideways, then feel upside down one minute, and inside out a minute later. Just take it moment by moment, if necessary... especially in the nighttime hours. Even getting together with friends, as healthy as that is, it just reminds you of what is gone, especially if the friends are married or involved. I remember it well. Friends took me out to dinner, a day or so after, and while I could listen and respond, I was in a mental space light years from the table. I remember they noticed I would be too quiet for too long, and would ask if I was okay. 🙄 "Okay" as in, not about to dissolve into a puddle, or likely to walk out screaming? That kind of "okay"? In situations like that, which were not frequent and tapered off as people moved on with their own lives, I would feel a sense of panic on the edges of my awareness, this crushing awareness of what is essentially an amputation, feeling that "phantom limb" syndrome --but of the heart, rather than a limb.

isn't that the truth.

I'll just leave this here...

I agree with you, Gwen, I was astonished by how much fear there was, in the days and weeks and months after.

Kay, that is pretty upsetting, although I notice I can view threads and posts without logging in, so obviously anyone can. I didn't think they could get our email address though.... that's a little surprising. There's little privacy to be had online, so I try to watch what I say that might identify me.

Reminds me of a story my cousin told me. There used to be many crows hanging out in the tree by his house and he used to sort of watch them, call to them, or otherwise interact so they would regard him from above, and chatter back sometimes. I believe he left food for them sometimes. He has several cats, though, and one day during nice weather he let his cats out on the deck at the same time the crows were hanging out in the tree. They all took flight, screaming, calling and making a great racket, as if saying "You tricked us! Consorting with the enemy!" Apparently, they never came back. They're no birdbrains!

Yep, the feeling of unreality is so strong, it's almost a physical sensation. I used to feel like I was waiting for him to come back from somewhere. Early on, the cat wandered around, especially when I came home from work, as if she was expecting him to come in, too. 😿

Welcome, I'm glad you found us, although we often say here we wish it hadn't been necessary--but it often is. Sounds like your husband's passing was rather recent, and I'm sorry to read that it was a long road for you both. While I am not familiar with the gaming references, I am familiar with UU (Unitarian Universalists, for those who don't know; my grandmother was raised UU before converting to marry my grandfather) and by extension, I'm familiar with CUUPS. It's okay to not feel confident in your own decision-making right now. It's often a good idea to hold off on any decisions in the first year, especially when your lifelong mate isn't with you anymore to back you up, support you and be your sounding-board. I'm glad you have your professional supports, as well, as those are important. I'm sure others will be along to comment, as well.

One summer day, about a year after, give or take, I was shopping in a big thrift department store, going through racks of shirts and tops to see if something caught my eye. We'd been to this store a million times together, each going our own way and converging afterward with whatever we'd each found. I was wistful, thoughtful and sad while still enjoying the "hunt." There's always music from the sound system going, not loudly but just enough to pick out. At one point, I noticed the song was "Higher Love" by Steve Winwood, a 1986 hit that is timeless and fresh even years later. I immediately knew it was playing just for me. I considered it a cosmic wink. https://youtu.be/k9olaIio3l8 "Think about it, there must be higher love Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above Without it, life is a wasted time Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine." (sorry, the music video is an utter disservice to the song...)

The best part is that there are quite a few other such shorts to enjoy, all produced by the same group of people, all with themes about our common humanity, the things that we all go through regardless of whatever minor differences we have. For example, I don't have kids but the couple who lost their child, or the man who lost his wife, when they need a moment on camera to compose themselves, or tear up in mid-sentence... oh yes, I get that. We all do.

This is simply quite profound and well worth the time. Many pearls of wisdom about grieving, even years later.

Others have said it so well, and I too am sorry to read what you went through. It's been just a few days, from what I understand. It's all bound to be raw, fresh and agonizing, being so recent. Your responses and reactions and descriptions are all normal, natural, and understandable. We've all been there with the self-blame, and we've all been there with the woulda-coulda-shoulda. You did the best you could to aid him, in those frantic moments that no one ever wants to have to go through, but that you had to. And now you're on the other side of it and looking back from every angle, looking for what you could have done differently. I think we all have done that. In your first post in another thread, you described your feelings so well when you said I feel like I was dropped from a tall building then electrocuted after I hit the floor. And I can’t make heads or tails out of my thoughts and my emotions are on a nightmare roller coaster. So familiar, so descriptive, so understandable. While I agree/understand that it's alarming to your children, and to you, this is exactly what you need to do, somewhere, somehow, because this is the time for it. Many people shove it away and run from it, and they pay the price later with delayed grief responses. In my opinion, it's best to let the grief happen. It will have its say and have its way, sooner or later. The problem is that society doesn't allow much time or space for it, doesn't give us much breathing room in the aftermath, and lets us have 3 to 5 days of bereavement and then you're expected to be back to "normal." As if! I hope this place gives you some respite.

❤️

I was just thinking this last evening, Gwen. I went to see my folks for a bit and haul their deck furniture, outside hose etc to the garage for the winter so that they didn't have to deal with that, just kind of kept mostly apart, chatting etc. We get along just fine, but I felt weird the whole time and was actually quietly wondering if I have already been "rewired" to be less willing to interact with other people beyond going to the store etc. It was an unsettling feeling, and on top of that I'm really quite aware of how fast time is passing and they are getting older and less able. I didn't bring up anything related to it to them, but I am sure they are discussing it between themselves. I'm reminded of Bonnie Raitt's out-of-the-ballpark hit Nick of Time. https://youtu.be/Dy8gHfGIS_A "When did the choices get so hard / With so much more at stake / Life gets mighty precious / When there's less of it to waste."