Kieron

As an antidote to "bleak world," the following link is from someone's Tumblr blog. I can't post the short clip here probably because the system doesn't allow it, but it does work and it seems to be a safe blog. And it's positive, not spam and not garbage. If all dogs go to heaven, then this could be it! Look at them frolic! https://liriusworlfaws.tumblr.com/post/648937181014081536

Wow, Kay, you just can't seem to win! 😦

Well, they're kind of jumbled together, in my experience, and telling them apart, when they hit you at a later time, really doesn't matter in the moment. You will feel whatever you feel, when you feel it, and that's entirely valid. I just think that in societies where we're grief-avoidant, or illiterate in grieving, the tendency is to put off grief as long as possible. So if you let yourself feel, from the beginning, as much as you are able, then you will fare much better than will someone who runs from their grief. Does that make sense?

Kay, I'm so sorry this is another thing weighing you down. 😞

Welcome, and I am sorry to read that your dad is dealing with renal failure. That was something my partner lived with for far too many years and it takes such a toll. I do empathize. And you're right, as it draws closer, it feels like a giant wave that is bearing down on you, inexorable and unstoppable. And it will catch up to you, and you'll go under, but you will rise again to the surface. It's a bit like being in the ocean. Wait for the next one, and the next, for they will come sooner or later. The key is to let the waves have their way with you. Whether you try to outrun the waves of grief, or let go and ride them, they will bear down on you and pass on their way, just the same. But you'll find they're often a little less intense each time. The fear of being overtaken is very real, I don't minimize that at all... but it is the way of this journey, I've found.

Sorry you two have such idiocy to deal with. Maybe this will bring a smile.

I think you're on to something. My work clients tell me they encounter the same thing when asking for help, resources or service from pretty much anyone in the service or government sector, and I have noticed it as well. Anything that is long-term, or requires higher-ups, or insurance, they don't even try, or if they try, they can only do so much because there is no room for fudging or to just have a heart. It's disheartening and makes me want to just avoid dealing with the world even more.

No, sadly it does not. It feels like having had your heart ripped out. I half-expected to see a hole in my chest, more than once, if I looked in the mirror. You're not wrong in calling it "this horror" that we have been through, each in our own way. It was difficult to read about your experience with intensive care, the tubes, the quality of life questions, the decision to remove the life support, as it mirrored some of my own experience. And yes, the well-wishing, the tired "Sorry for your loss" and the admonitions to "be strong," or the "call me if you need anything" trope. Oh yes, we get it. 🙁 That's pretty common with men, I think. Certainly has been true for me. And I found who my real friends were... only a few stuck with me in the "daze of days" afterward. And the daze will linger for a good long while, I'm sorry to say. Do try to hydrate, eat something each day if you can, get some sleep-- some combination of those. Dee is right, take it a day at a time, an hour at a time if need be.

It's unfortunate you felt like you had to silence yourself. We're the poorer for missing out on what members have to share.

Yes it is a big responsibility, using mere human words to attempt to describe what is often inexpressible.

James, I think the sense of futility that you allude to is something that can swallow us whole, sometimes, and often does. Deep in the belly of that beast, you can't see anything but the darkness of it all around you. You're also in the countdown to the first anniversary, I believe. As much as possible, allow yourself some grace. It's easy to express oneself unconsciously in these times, and regret it later.

😂 That's a good one, Marg. Guys and taking care of their health, oh yeah, BT,DT. I like Dee's notion about Kelli encouraging him, though. Sometimes siblings can get "in" in a way that a parent or other figure, can't.

That's exactly it.

Somehow got through the 4 days, from the 19th to the 22nd, but not without a lot of watery reflection. It's just an inescapable tsunami that sweeps all in its path, and there's no outrunning it, but at least it doesn't leave complete destruction in its wake anymore-- just wet tissues. I know grief is said to become softer over time, but turn it over and you'll find there's still a sharp edge. He used to hate January through February because many significant people, like his own dad, died in that span of time. Now I've shouldered that burden but shifted it forward to March, the way you set the clock ahead by one hour. The daylight may be longer as a result, but it might as well still be full dark. I've started to think of grief as similar to a shell. You always carry it with you, the way a turtle carries its shell on its back, but do you suppose the turtle ever notices the weight of the shell, the way we notice the weight of our individual griefs?

That's exactly it. And in the heat of the moment, it's like your field of vision narrows and all you think of is survival or well-being of yourself or the person you love. I'll never stop wondering if the human mistakes that doctors and nurses made, under pressure, under bad staffing conditions, under poorly-trained or equipped situations, etc. negatively affected the outcome of what happened 4 years ago today. I can't get over how the angle of sunlight right now takes me right back to those awful days.

James, we can drive ourselves 'round the bend with such circular thinking. I've done it, too, and it's fruitless and only makes me feel worse. All we can do is recognize that we, and they, made the choices that were made, and we lived with the consequences of those choices, whether or not we were aware of that. The difference is, now we are aware of those consequences, but only by hindsight. And we know that hindsight is 20/20.

Kay, how awful, I hadn't logged in until now and saw this news. I'm sorry you both endured all that. I'm sure you're much more easily startled and hypervigilant now, after all that. I know I would be. Wishing you both some peace and comfort tonight. ❤️

That's a very relatable feeling these days! ☹️

Welcome, and I am sorry you have joined the club that no one wants to join. I want to emphasize what Gwen says about telling the unhelpful "counselor" how badly he's comported himself so far. "Move on"?! How smug and insensitive! That's absolutely up to you. In my professional opinion, he may have an inaccurate idea about his own "counseling" skills and he needs a hard reality check. Right now, though, you're in pain, and you are not obligated to conduct sensitivity training for hopelessly inept "counselors." It hasn't even been 6 months for you. If you do seek out someone else for therapy or counseling, just know that no one is ever "stuck" with any therapist, counselor, doctor, social worker, or anything else for that matter. If their style is off-putting or insensitive, then walk away. They'll find out soon enough what it's really like.

As I understand it, "Spices" in ingredient lists is usually code for a neurotoxic chemical(s) that causes reactions of some kind in some people. Same goes for "flavor/flavoring." Some of these neurotoxins are natural plant defenses in certain vegetables and fruit, too. That's why research is so important--and tedious!

I have done this, too. Anthony Chene does a lot of really, *really* well-done documentaries and interviews without being sensationalist, mawkish, cheesy or anything inappropriate. Even the music is subtle and understated, no graphics or idiotic gimmicks. He has a YouTube channel under his own name. Even a young person could watch these interviews and not be exposed to anything inappropriate, as far as I have been able to determine.

It was less the dialogue, which I don't remember, and more the image of seeing her father again, even if it was an illusion created by the alien technology.

I've read this, too. Last night I happened to catch Contact, starring Jodie Foster, and the scene where she arrives at the beach after going through the wormhole experience, was too hard to watch. I've seen the movie before, but I see it with new eyes now.

Be Like Water "There is no 'pretty' grief. Grief is horrendous, primal. It drags you through all the most horrible, negative, primitive emotions you can think of." Another video from Green Renaissance, featuring beautiful cinematography and wise characters battered by Life and loss, but not beaten. The dogs are a cute addition to the narrative.

What a wonderful way to work through one's own grief, by assisting others who are going through a similar struggle. Thanks for sharing. :)