Kieron

Welcome to the club no one wants to join, with the first year anniversary speeding toward you. I'm sorry. Wow, that is such a great way to phrase it. As a writer I appreciate any new way to capture the spirit of this journey we're all on. I share this restlessness and the back-and-forth you describe. Over the past 3 years, I resolved, and then backed out on, plans to start the proceedings to sell my house at least 3 times (so far). After this latest round, I decided that for now, I don't know where I would even go, so why put myself through it? I'm bored at my job but I'm not sure what else I would do, so once again... status quo. 🙄 Oh yes, I get this very well. What a cute photo. 😊

I did not know iPad doesn't have Alt, Ctrl or other such keys. Ya learn something new every day. 🙃

Sometimes when we are in an unsafe or unsupportive environment, we take on protective coloration, so to speak. Also, remember that grief is different in men compared to women, and you might well still be in a lingering state of shock or numbness, maybe? As we say around here, be gentle with yourself at this time.

^^^ This, all day long.

That's exactly it. Quality of life, and all that. For him dialysis was like a part-time job that he didn't get paid for, and that consumed his life. By the last few years of his life, food was about all he could enjoy, and while he didn't overeat and I made him breakfast on his off-dialysis days to reduce the temptation to snack throughout the day, I couldn't control the rest of it. I'm sorry you missed those 2 weeks with her, and you have every right to feel so. ☹️

Gwen, when editing your post, you might try pressing Ctrl-Z (which will often restore whatever was most recently deleted, or return you to whatever editing you just did, such as backspacing a line of text). Hope that helps.

James, this is something all of us have wrestled with at one time or another, particularly those of us who were caregivers. Could you have done more? Maybe. More likely you did everything in your power, but you're human, and humans burn out, they run out of energy, they need respite. Caregiving is damned hard work, and it's almost certainly unpaid or uncompensated work. I had my days... the summer leading up to the beginning of the end, I left for 48 hours to attend a family reunion and came back early due to a bad feeling... to find he had fallen due to blood pressure plummeting, and probably hit his head given the amount of dried blood on the floor, and the house smelled like a sickroom. I thought to myself, "Can't I go away for 2 days without something going wrong?" Of course I felt guilty for thinking that and for resenting it, but he had said he would be fine by himself. Then there were the experiences in the hospital, waiting to be seen, waiting for test results, waiting waiting waiting... resenting the whole matter, wishing things were different. Of course, once it all really went downhill, and for days, weeks, months afterward, the guilt-tripping really hit me. Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda... Eventually I came to realize that I had done everything I could in years leading up to it all. He made choices to eat things he should not have, didn't exercise much because of fatigue from dialysis, etc. He also didn't ask for help when it would have been a good idea to ask for it. How do you handle guilt, you ask. You work on self-forgiveness, or you seek radical acceptance. You didn't "make" her pass away with your thoughts any more than I made him pass away wishing it was just over, while driving home alone in the dark yet again after visiting in the rehab hospital after working all damn day. In the midst of this pandemic, I actually am relieved he's gone and that I don't have to worry about him. Do I experience guilt for even thinking such a thing? Momentarily, I do, I guess. it's a moot point, anyhow. Just know that anyone who's been in the caregiver role "gets it." You just wrestle with the guilt feelings, I guess, but it helps to have others who watched you go through it and who can offer you perspective and give reality-checks. I don't know how I got to the acceptance point... I guess it ended up a stalemate with guilt. It hasn't gone away, still drops by to taunt me now and again.

Another one, in the same theme.

The other ones are "You can't miss it" with respect to driving directions. Supremely aggravating, the last thing you need to be dealing with. Cynically, I suspect this type of confusion and chaos is deliberate, to drive people crazy.

Welcome, James, and sorry to read what you had endured. Kidney disease/ESRD is probably one of the worst afflictions out there. My partner lived with it for 14 years but eventually it wore him down. As you say, those last few months... I can kind of understand thinking about someone new. Loneliness is certainly a real thing and it's a human and very natural thing to want company. When I talked to a therapist about it a few years ago, she had the view that it was understandable, although possibly more of a "guy thing." I think she said further that men who are widowed sometimes remarry quickly or get involved quickly with a new person, compared to women, who more often don't. Of course it's a huge generalization and doesn't take into account people's diverse life experiences.... Anyway, there were a few times last year that I thought that it would be nice to at least have someone "around" to do things with or help one another out if needed, but then I realized it would entail starting alllllllllllllllll over again. There's a saying "You can't make new old friends." I mentioned that in another thread just the other day. I don't have the energy for it. Getting through those anniversaries and those "loaded" days and holidays... been there, done that, and I guess will always have to do it, year after year. Even the angle of the light in late March is enough to make me gloomy. The already-dark-and-dismal months of January through March are made worse by the memory of his last awful 3 months. As a 50 year old man, being thrown back into the role of lonely teenager in a closed off family must feel like a nightmarish deja vu, and worse yet, being around people who have no conception of what it's like to lose your wife, and who just want you to be "normal," for their own comfort because they don't want to confront mortality or anything else. Yuck! I am so sorry for such a situation. 😣

This is correct. Same with IRS, Social Security or legal matters. They *never* call you if it's legit, although your bank will call you if there's something funny going on. There's so much deception out there. I know someone who was scammed out of $6700 in fraudulent charges through a fake Amazon customer service number and she made some purchases at the direction of the fake representative, in order to get other charges refunded somehow, and got ripped off.

Yeah, I heard it said that "You can't make new old friends." I have fewer and fewer of them, and this damned pandemic is reducing that number even further. And it's not like I can make friends easily to begin with!

Resilience is a good thing, but it's often so painfully acquired!

wow, I missed this thread of people's sudden losses. I am sorry to read about these, as well. ☹️

You and Dee are both right, of course. It's the regrets talking, as we know. And as you say, Dee, with the country being in such upheaval, well, it could be worse for me.

I'm kind of on the same wavelength. It's his 64th birthday today, and the angle of the light is just like it is on March 22 when he died, at the opposite end of the year. Only now, the temperatures are warmer and the color of the sky is hazier and the changing trees add a yellow/orange cast to the light coming through the leaves. I still don't know what I am going to do with this place or with myself, and I don't know why I feel like I "should" have it figured out. I was going through my journal a few days ago, and noticing how chaotic my life was then. I'm glad it's more settled but the questions remain.

It was one of those quotes that instantly felt "right" on a gut level and it was easily committed to memory.

People do strange things in the throes of grief. I've seen it and lived it. I can certainly understand that you feel dumbfounded and hurt by his behavior, and I'm sorry to say there often is no explanation to be had. Probably better that you find out *now* what he's like during hard times, versus making a life with him and *then* finding out how undependable or erratic he can become.

I don't recall who originally said this which I found on a Tumblr blog, but I saved it because I have done the Mixed-Message Tango a few times in my life. "If you can’t figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking." And the great thing about this quote is that it is not limited to love relationships.

Hello, Marty will explain more soon, I'm sure, but hospice can be done at home! Like you, I didn't know that, and I wish I had known sooner. I thought hospice was a place a person goes to when they are dying. It can be at a hospital, yes, but mostly it is at home where the person is most comfortable, where family and friends can drop by. If nothing else, setting up hospice will take some of the burden off of you so you can spend more time sitting with your dad, enjoying one another's company.

Sheesh, that's so typical. 🙄 Oblivious! The only thing he can think of is to try to hospitalize you or suggest a group therapy setting?

I think anyone who shares our life with another person to the degree we have, you're going to step on toes, be short with one another, argue, bicker, snipe, and whine, and probably worse. We often set the petty, graceless sides of ourselves out on display around those who know us best, and it aint pretty. If we're lucky, they forgive. I, too, have those nagging regrets. I remember being annoyed or angry but cannot for the life of me remember what it was about. To paraphrase Dee, if I knew then what I know now... I wanted to add something: it's wise to be cautious of that word should. It can wound us further when we're already in pain.

Kay, I think it's a measure of your resilience that you're here to tell the tale! Most people would have curled up into a ball and given up long since.