Kieron

Kay said it best, as usual, but I did want to mention the following angle that you may or may not have considered: his response is a typical guy response. Understandable but ultimately not helpful as grief will not be denied. Sometimes it's easier for guys to tap into anger which is a more familiar emotion than sadness/grief. That trained counselor that Kay mentions may be able to use that avenue to help him feel his way through this. And that's just it, he has to feel his way through, and there's no way through but through. It occurs to me that he may also be transferring some of his grief onto you so that you are the one who channels it away, because it has to go somewhere. That's unfair to you, but it often happens. Us guys aren't exactly encouraged to show emotion and we often get smacked down early in life for doing so. 🙁 So you learn not to. Hoping he finds his way through safely.

Exactly. I only got one, this year, and it was very short, relatable about the effects of You Know What on us all. Everything else was personalized cards, or just a family photo and nothing else-- feels very perfunctory. I have umpteen cousins who have mostly paired off and produced lots of kids, and I suspect I will probably never get to know these kids. I've become like the older cousins from Texas that occasionally came around or visited my aunts and uncles and grandma at her farm, but being their second cousin and much younger, I had no history with them. They're mostly strangers to me even now as an adult. I hope the day is bearable for you, Gwen. I've already had my one cup of coffee for the day. Nothing much to look forward to except shoveling the snow that fell yesterday and wait for something to arrive by FedEx. They didn't show yesterday probably because of the blizzard that developed. Maybe they'll turn up today.

Gwen, when I was a kid, my friend Nicki lived about 5 blocks away, and her dad built her and her brother 2 separate treehouses, just tiny things with a small platform lip to stand on, in 2 large white pines (I think... the kind where the trunks are straight and lack lower branches, only really branching out high up). Anyway there was a long thick rope with a big knot at the bottom, and it was suspended on a bar or something in between these two platforms. it was big enough to stand on and hold the rope and swing back and forth. We used to climb up, one to each house, and the game was to stand on the rope, drop down, swoop and "rescue" a toy of some kind from the "alligators" down below where there was just sand or dirt, and swing up again, Tarzan-like, to the opposite tree house. I don't recall how high up it all was (probably not very) but I'm sure my mother would've had a fit if she'd known. 🤣 No helmets, no nothing.

No offense taken whatsoever, Karen. Life is imperfect and messy, as we all are. It's taken me this long to see it. I can see shadows in immaculate, light-filled photo shoots of things like beautiful homes in magazines, or images of cabins in the woods, or people living apparently spectacular lives in the wilderness or on the oceanside, and so forth. I know that it requires pain, sacrifice, sweat, long hours of travel, physical effort, and a team of artists, laborers and talent --to make it all look pretty for our consumption. And that's not even to mention the secret, shadow sides of the owners of these places, or the people in these perfectly curated relationships. Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, etc, it's all the same: curated. The pushers of these images are called "influencers." And this is why so many people are miserable, thinking that their own life is pathetic because they see others having loads of fun, vacations, happy-go-lucky, forgetting that they're witnessing the "highlight reel" of others' lives. Occasionally the shadows leak out and we see what we missed before: misery, secretive eating disorders, depression, marital fighting, backstabbing, shady financial dealings, etc. These sides of each of our relationships that no one else sees, we all have them and anyone who believes in a nonstop fairytale is deceived. it's easy to see why we want the illusion... but too much can be toxic, as well as a fun mental diversion-- as long as we acknowledge the shadows. This is the truth.

wow. thanks for sharing that.

Oh Kay, that is so sweet. 💖

That doesn't sound stupid in the least. It's a very real difference in the experiences of women compared to men.

I wouldn't mind dating someone but moving in together, starting over and getting used to quirks, habits etc.? Not now. I realized, at one point, that I put up with a lot of things then that I would not tolerate now. Of course, I was much younger then. Maybe getting more set in my ways. 🤣

sounds like it. Last year a friend introduced me to "The Man Who Invented Christmas." It's about how Charles Dickens got his start and how "A Christmas Carol" came about. I *loved* it and would see it again in a heartbeat.

The pressure to be in the holiday spirit gets to be too much. 😑

We have the same problem with the tent cities where I live. Trouble is, it becomes a vicious circle as more dormitory-style buildings are constructed to house them, so more start filtering in from elsewhere.

😢 I remember that feeling. The utter helplessness.

Well, she may not have known how. I don't recall the manner of her passing (sorry), but I do know that it takes a lot of energy for the person who is dying to communicate verbally. Even if she had wanted to, she might not have been able to break through the barrier of her own exhaustion, or maybe she knew it was time and didn't want to worry you. I had something similar going on when Mark was in his last days. He couldn't seem to tell me verbally. It resembled severe depression-- which, surprise surprise, is what it often looks like (Marty probably knows more about these signs). Now, looking back, I can see he was letting go of everything and just drifting away. I regret the missed moments when he could have perhaps signaled that he had just come to the end and didn't want to go on, but I wasn't seeing the signs. And I still have significant anger toward the rehab center social worker and nurses who failed to educate me what was going on. They may not have known, either. It's not like anyone in our society, aside from a very small portion, gives death and dying any thought if they can avoid it. One who loved her and still loves her, and one who didn't just didn't know. Maya Angelou wrote, "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

Seems fitting to leave this here. 🙃

Agree, Ana. There's talk going around online that frontline healthcare workers should be given actual veteran's benefits and service-connected disability benefits, for the sacrifices they have made on behalf of the public.

Gwen, it encourages me a lot to read comments in YouTube comments for 70's, 80's and 90's music, all a variation of the same thing: what happened to music? Today's music is crap. Kids today don't know good music. Etc. 😆 And they're not wrong. I'm blown away at how some classics are ageless and timeless and still fresh as ever. Even commenters self-identifying as young people say the same thing, they wish they had been born earlier.

A small blessing here is that with no snow, the landscape resembles early November and I can go on pretending Christmas is a long way off. But I know it's 2 weeks away and I am just dreading it. At least last year I could do something enjoyable for a bit, but now? Fugeddaboudit. I need me some of this:

Apparently this clever collection was compiled by a librarian in honor (?) of the isolating effects of Covid. I hope you can read the titles, from the top, left to right. I can type them out if they are illegible to anyone.

Look how many likes Marty's post got! 😄 9 at last count.

We should all be so lucky.

I saw a Twitter timeline earlier today in which someone proposed how to explain American healthcare and insurance to people in other countries so that they could understand how it is for us. Analogies to restaurants was the most frequent one, such as food prices being hidden until after you eat, or being told not to be hungry, or the chef is a contractor who is "out of network" and the meal charges are $1000 higher because of that. It was sobering to read it written in such stark terms. And it is embarrassing.

oh for God's sake. how heartless. I don't blame you for placing them in the "impersonal" category in your life.

Kay is right about the counselor. Not all of them are skilled at doing their job, asking the right questions or putting aside irrelevant matters. That takes training, education and skill. You nailed it. It essentially becomes a one-sided conversation. You may as well be talking to a wall.

I'm pretty sure it's safe to say no one here considers you a horrible person. *sigh* What a guy thing to say (I can say that because I am one!). I'm afraid this is kind of common. I think you are saying his dad died in May this year so it's been about 6 months. Everyone is different so everyone's timeline for grieving is different, but possibly it's really hitting him, especially now with the holidays coming on fast. I think it's a sign of how deep your love and caring goes. You can't watch it and not be affected. I would echo Kay's advice to try to get counseling, and if he won't go with you, go alone. You say you loved your FIL, so you, too, are grieving. And you're grieving the change in the relationship, so you're affected twice. That's a lot to carry inside. I hope you can find a good match in a counselor or therapist!

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. I can't add much more to what was already said so eloquently. Been there, done so many of the things you describe. I also work full-time or as close as I can given pandemic issues, and the solitary echo in the house does get loud, doesn't it? 😞 Knowing that the conclusion of the first year is coming up, consider Kay's tips that were posted earlier. Don't be surprised if and when aftershocks occur at about 18 months, give or take a few months since we're all different, and of course personal anniversaries and birthdays and holidays are thrown into the mix.