MartyT

Oh Vickie, I'm so, so sorry How awful for you Keep your head held high, my dear ~ you are so much better than that. I don't know where you'll go next, either, but I'm glad you came here first. We are here to catch you when you fall, and help you stand up straight again.

Kathy, dear ~ While I agree completely with your statement, "We need to seek out whatever help we can to be able to balance reality vs. our fears" and I'm so glad to know that you followed your own advice, I think it's important to note the following: Many bereaved parents have been told (or have come to believe) what you were told: "that many marriages end after the loss of a child." As a matter of fact, according to grief expert and noted author Harold Ivan Smith, research indicates that only 6% of marriages fail following the death of a child; the myth is 75% or higher. (Statement by Harold Ivan Smith during his seminar, UnderRecognized Grief, Phoenix AZ, March 14, 2008). Dr. Smith went on to encourage those of us in the field of grief and bereavement counseling to do all we can to debunk this myth. See, for example, my article, Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family. See also: Growing a Strong Marriage After The Loss of a Child by Margaret Brownley, http://www.griefandrenewal.com/article22.htm How Grief Can Affect a Marriage, by Pat Schwiebert, R.N., http://www.griefwatch.com/articles/grief_and_marriage.htm

Oh Boo, I'm so sorry to learn that so many of your friends (?!) have let you down so badly

My dear Kathy, Your statement that you have “two deposits in Heaven” touched my heart, and I’m so very sorry that you’ve endured one of the most difficult of losses a parent can experience ~ not once, but twice. As a mother whose baby died shortly after he was born (and following what we thought was a normal pregnancy and delivery), I know firsthand the agony of loving and losing a baby. As a mother of two grown sons, I simply cannot imagine the agony of losing one of my adult children to death. My heart bleeds for you, and I hope you’ll accept my deepest sympathy. Your need to know exactly what happened to your son is completely understandable, and it reminds me of what another of our members experienced when her son was killed in a tragic accident. You may find it helpful to read through all the posts in this mother’s thread: Death of My Son, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=38 Struggling with what you know in your head and what you feel in your heart is normal, too. See also this thread: Grief and Atheism, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...amp;#entry13559 I know through reading your other posts on our site that since you joined us, you have reached out to several other members with compassion and love, and for that you have my respect and admiration. I hope that in return, you will find among all of us the comfort and support you need and deserve, too. Kathy, my baby David was loved from the moment he was conceived, and it does not matter that his time on this earth was so brief ~ I’ve always thought of him as my precious angel, but now I will think of him as my own “deposit in heaven” too. Thank you so much for giving me that very beautiful image!

Of course we will do that, Shelley ~ and what a wonderful legacy this will be for all of you!

And Susan, if you haven't found it already, please pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site, at www.griefhealing.com. See especially the page entitled Pet Loss Articles, and follow some of the links you'll find there. I think if you can do some reading about what is normal in grief, especially as it relates to the loss of a cherished animal companion, you will find that you are not "crazy" for reacting as you are to the awful decision you made last Wednesday, and you are certainly not alone in the grief you are experiencing now. We are so very sorry for your loss, and you have our deepest sympathy. As Raki's mom said, you will find yourself among kindred spirits here. Many of us have been where you are, and I hope you can feel our collective arms around you.

Em, your post reminds me of this thread: Old Favorite Spots, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3091

Kay, dear, Wendy can rest assured that she is always in our hearts and prayers ~ always.

Rekim, dear ~ have you ever wondered why your dad chose YOU to be the executor of his estate? Maybe he knew that when faced with the tough decisions, you were the one person in the family who would have the wisdom, maturity, courage, confidence and sense of fairness to do what you think is right

Mine, too Thank you, Kay . . .

My dear friend, I’m so sorry your mother has died, and please know that you and your family have my deepest sympathy. I’m sorry, too, that you find yourself in such a difficult position, in the wake of your mother’s death. If I may say so, it seems to me that, as a young woman of 23 “just beginning a career path,” your first obligation is to yourself, and that includes continuing to grow into responsible adulthood and continuing to support yourself. In today’s economy, you are fortunate to have a job at all – much less a job that you feel passionate about! I’m not at all sure what your mother meant by her request that you “take care of” your brother because he “wouldn’t get the nurturing he needs.” Do you think she expected that it was up to you to assume the mother role in your brother’s life, or was she merely asking that whenever you’re with him (in person or on the phone, or via other electronic means such as e-mail) you attend to his emotional state, give him a good listening ear, and continue to be a good and loving sister to him? You are not your brother’s mother, after all -- you are his sibling -- and the responsibility to continue to raise and to support your brother belongs to your father now. Have you considered how your father might feel about the way you may be interpreting your mother’s request? Would he be willing simply to turn his parental authority and responsibility for his son over to you, his daughter? And how would your brother feel about your assuming the parental role in his life? Consider for a moment how your brother might feel if you tried to take your mother’s place, and began telling him from time to time what he “should” or “should not” do. He is a teenager, after all, with several more years of adolescence ahead of him. Is it realistic to think that you are prepared to “take care of” him during and throughout this phase of his life? I suggest that you think very carefully about the request of your dying mother – not only what she may have meant by what she said, but also in how you choose to interpret what she said to you. There are many meaningful ways that you can “take care of” and continue to give your brother “the nurturing he needs,” simply by continuing to play an important role in his life as his good and loving older sister. Can you think of what some of those ways might be?

Shyman, I'm so sorry to learn this tragic news ~ I hope you know that you have our deepest sympathy, our compassion and our companionship as you work your way through the difficult days ahead. As others have noted, it's good that you've found us, and I hope you will continue to use this forum to express and work through all your feelings about all of this. Given what you've already shared about your experience in the aftermath of your brother's horrific death so many years ago, I want to share some thoughts with you. Clearly you had very little if any information, comfort and support available to you in the weeks, months and years following your brother's death, and in essence you were left to struggle through that traumatic loss all alone. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for you, and how much you must be dreading what lies before you now, in the aftermath of your wife's sudden, unexpected death. I want to gently suggest to you that you have before you an opportunity to "do" your grief differently this time. It's good to know that your family is there to support you now ~ but be aware that, for most of us, friends, family, neighbors and co-workers are finished with our grief long before we are finished with our own need to talk about it – and unexpressed feelings can become distorted. That’s why it’s so important to find an understanding, nonjudgmental listener with whom we can openly acknowledge our feelings and experiences, express and work through our pain, and come to terms with our loss. Oftentimes friends and family aren’t as available as we need them to be – and sometimes our needs simply exceed their capacity to help. The good news is that there are others “out there” who stand ready to help! You’ve already found one source of help which was not available to you many years ago: posting in this forum, which gives you an outlet for all those feelings and a place to discharge some of that negative energy. This sort of outlet did not exist back when your brother died. Coming to a place like this helps you see that you are not alone; as you read the stories of others, you come to realize how so many of us are embarked upon our own journey of grief, traveling along that very same path that you are on right now – and sometimes you discover ideas that may help to ease your own journey a bit. Painful and difficult as this is, my friend, you are not condemned to repeat the same years of suffering you experienced following the death of your brother. Depending on how it is managed this time, your grief can be for you a natural process that eventually leads to healing and personal growth. Promise yourself that you will do it differently this time. This time, resolve to take care of yourself by getting enough nourishment, relaxation, rest and exercise. This time, arm yourself with an understanding of grief, learn what feelings and experiences you can normally expect, and discover what you can do to manage your own reactions. And know that as you face the difficult days ahead, you are not alone. This time, we are, every one of us, thinking of you and holding you in our collective heart. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Bailey's Mom ~ How I wish we could all be spared the feeling of guilt that always, always accompanies the euthanasia decision ~ but when you think about it, isn't it a measure of your goodness and humanity that you are feeling guilty in the wake of this gut-wrenching, painful, god-like and completely self-less decision? Someone once said in one of my pet loss support groups that when you do this for your beloved animal, you are choosing to exchange their pain with that of your own, because of the grief you will experience after their death ~ and there can be no more selfless act of love than that. Please read this article, as I hope it will offer some suggestions for what you can do with your guilt: Loss and the Burden of Guilt, http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-a...en-of-guilt.htm

My dear friend, please accept our deepest sympathy for the death of your mother, and know that we are thinking of you . . .

Ebsmom, I applaud your decision to open your heart and your home to another dog who deserves to be loved and wanted and cherished for himself. You think the way my own father did (see the second article I've listed, below). Like everything else in grief, deciding when and whether to bring another animal companion into your home is very much an individual decision, and no one knows your heart better than you do. I thought you might be interested in these two articles about this very subject: How Long Should You Wait to Replace a Pet Who Has Died? http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/pet_...rief_help.shtml Memorializing a Cherished Pet, http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/dog_loss_poems.shtml Also, would you be willing to post a picture of your new boy? Your description of Depot is wonderful, but now I'm really curious to see what he looks like!

Very dear Kay, I cannot thank you enough for continuing to share so honestly and so openly the details of your life story with all the members of our GH family all these many years. You are a precious soul, a strong and courageous woman, and a beacon of hope and inspiration for all of us. I hope you know how very much you are loved.

Dear Ones, This morning I read the following review of the book Sea Changes and want to share it with all of you who may be interested. The review is written by Abel Keough, who is himself an author, editor, and inspirational speaker. (I have not yet read Sea Changes, but I have read Abel's memoir Room for Two, about the year of his life following the suicide of his seven-month pregnant wife, Krista, and death of their premature daughter nine days later. It is excellent.) You'll find Abel's review of Sea Changes here: http://www.opentohope.com/2009/07/04/grief-book-review-sea-changes/

Em, dear ~ Here's another article I just found today that you may find helpful: Understanding the Griever: How Others Can Help, http://www.opentohope.com/2009/07/03/understanding-the-griever-how-others-can-help/

Dear Jo, In doing some other work online today, I read an excerpt from a book that made me think of you immediately. I've ordered the book and intend to read all of it as soon as it arrives, but I don't want to wait any longer to tell you about it. The book is Lessons for the Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Courage at the End of Life and is written by Stan Goldberg ~ a man who's been diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. His book is about what he decided to do with the rest of his life in the face of his disease. You can read more about the author at his Web site, http://www.stangoldbergwriter.com, and you can read the excerpt that first got my attention here: Learn to Die and You Will Learn to Live, http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-gr...-learn-to-live/

Dear Ones, This message comes to us from Hospice Foundation of America (HFA). It was posted on Monday, June 15, 2009, http://hfahospice.blogspot.com/2009/06/tv-...ng-stories.html: TV Series and Website Seeking Stories on End-of-Life Care We wanted to share information about this project: A new website and TV series is collecting first-person stories from patients, their families, loved ones, and health care professionals about how personal experiences have shaped what we believe about death and dying, and about the decisions we make for ourselves, for loved ones, or for patients at the end of life. The pilot episode will explore experiences that tested or challenged people’s beliefs about who decides when and how we die, and what role, if any, government and healthcare institutions should play in those decisions. Visit the site and consider submitting a story: http://how-we-die.org/HowWeDie.

We can see it just fine, Kathy ~ your mom is beautiful, and we join with you in wishing her a Happy Birthday!

Bless your heart, dear Mary ~ We'll all be thinking of you tomorrow on your special day of remembrance . . .

Shyman, you might find the content of this message helpful: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=32259

Boo, you're right ~ there are a number of excellent cancer information and support sites on the Internet; the ones I've personally visited and reviewed are listed on the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site, here: http://www.griefhealing.com/care-giving-links.htm

My dear Jo, I join with all the other members of our GH family in saying how very sorry I am to learn this awful, awful news. To think that you're now faced with the same disease that took your husband's life surpasses all human understanding. It is beyond the pale. There simply are no words to express how unfair this is. I'm so, so sorry. You said two things that struck me: And now, I must contact my brothers back in the States, who have been nothing but wonderful to me, and break the sad news. I am not sure how to do that. Thanks for reading. I really must look for a different forum, as the whole focus of my life has switched from bereaving the loss of my husband to mourning my own. If your brothers have been "nothing but wonderful" to you, then please, please go ahead and look to them for support. You need and deserve all the help you can find right now. I encourage you to break the sad news to them just as you have broken it to us ~ and do it as soon as possible. As for looking for a different forum, certainly do that if you must ~ but please know that, as far as we are concerned, you are an important and valued part of our GH family, and we are here to offer our support, compassion and companionship to you throughout whatever it is that you must face, now and in the future. We're not going anywhere. We would be diminished by your absence, and I hope you will find it in your heart to stay with us. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT