MartyT

This article originally appeared in the November/December 1987 issue of Bereavement Magazine, and is reprinted here with permission: Alcohol Not the Answer by Margaret Gerner We are frequently cautioned about the dangers of mixing alcohol and gasoline. We are frequently cautioned about the dangers of mixing alcohol and drugs. We are seldom cautioned about the danger of mixing alcohol and drugs with grief. It should be clearly understood at the outset that alcohol is just as much a drug as any chemical compound or prescribed medication. The added subtlety in alcohol is the ease with which it is obtained, and the acceptability of its use in our society. It requires no prescription and no one is overseeing its use or controlling its consumption. There is little danger that the person who has never had a problem with alcohol or drugs prior to their bereavement will fall victim to its use afterward. But for the person who has an established drinking pattern, or is inclined to deal with life's problems chemically, it is a time to be especially alert and guarded. The shrieking pain of early grief tempts the bereaved to escape in any way they can - to shut out the terrible reality of their loss, even for a short time. Usually they are not eating properly or sleeping well; and there are sometimes physical ailments such as stomach or chest pains, headaches, chronic fatigue and mood swings. A physician might prescribe medication for the symptoms that are presented without ever being told that the patient is grieving a serious loss. Or, if the doctor can find no physical cause for the distress, the chemically dependent griever may turn to relief from a "friend in a bottle." Obviously, neither way is fair to the doctor, nor helpful to the patient. If the doctor has not been informed of the loss by the patient, family or friends can and should intercede. Depression is common following loss. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, and it can only magnify such symptoms of depression as sleeplessness, chronic fatigue, nervousness, abdominal symptoms and the inability to concentrate. Alcohol will increase the intensity of any of these conditions. If there has been a pattern of drinking or drug use prior to the grief, it is almost certain that the drug/alcohol problem will escalate. Getting to sleep is difficult for most grieving people, and for some there may be a temptation to use alcohol to help induce sleep, but there is no worse drug to choose. Alcohol actually causes insomnia. A tolerance is created and more is needed each time to produce the same effect. Finally, sleeping pills may look like the answer, but again the tolerance level is soon reached, and the combination of the two drugs is extremely dangerous - sometimes even fatal. Sleeplessness is an extremely unpleasant side effect of grief, but it is temporary and will ease over time. Addiction to alcohol or drugs will not. Sometimes alcohol masquerades as a sedative. To the restless, nervous, fatigued griever this can be an appealing alternative. However, in a few hours, the sedating effect is gone and the "jitters" are worse than before. The danger is increased that tranquilizers will be added to sustain the effect, and this combination can be lethal. The consumption of alcohol increases stomach distress and reduces an already diminished appetite, which can cause malnutrition and vitamin deficiencies and increase grief-symptoms dramatically. Concentration is always difficult in bereavement, but the chemically-dependant griever has an added problem. While drinking, the mind is slowed by the depressant effect of the alcohol, but when the effect begins to wear away, there is a hyperkinetic reaction. The body may tremble, the heart and mind are racing, concentration is impossible; and there is a terrible temptation to start the cycle all over again. But alcohol will not relieve grief for more than a few hours, and it takes more and more to sustain the effects. The price the griever pays for that relief is too great! There is no problem that alcohol will not make worse. There is no exact amount of alcohol that can define the difference between harmful drinking, and a couple of drinks that make one comfortable for a short time. Everyone is affected in a different way. Body structure plays an important role. A larger person can consume more alcohol than a small-framed person before experiencing the same effect. Individual metabolism, emotional condition and whether the alcohol is taken in conjunction with other drugs are also important factors. Frequency of drinking is less important than the role that alcohol plays in the life of the grief victim. A simple test is to assess the feeling of NEED for alcohol, rather than how much or how often. If the situation can be assessed objectively and honestly, and it is clear that there is a dependency on alcohol (actually the drug ethanol), it is clearly necessary to seek professional help. Consult a doctor, a specialized treatment facility or Alcoholics Anonymous (in the white pages of the phone book). For the drinker who is also grieving, there may appear to be no hope, but it is never too late. People do not die from grief, but they can die from alcoholism. It is important to remember that grief over the death of a loved one is an excuse for drinking - not a reason for it. Families often contribute to a drinker's problem with the excuse that "they hurt so much," without realizing they are, in a real sense, giving the person permission to drink. Family members, in turn, may be blamed for everything from the loved one's death to problems in the family. They may be accused of not caring or of placing additional burdens on the drinker. Eventually, the family begins to believe this is true. Because the drinker must find fault in order to justify and enlarge the excuse for drinking, others must be blamed, and soon the family is controlled by the alcoholic. If families are to escape the trap of becoming slaves to the drinker, they must learn to defend themselves against the manipulations of the drinking person. This requires outside help, often available through the National Counsel on Alcoholism or the Alanon Family Groups. Some treatment centers have special programs for the family of the alcoholic too. A family can be destroyed by grief. A family can be destroyed by a drinking member. Put the two together and there is an almost certain guarantee that the family WILL be destroyed by the combination. The drinking will not magically end when grief is "over." Problem drinking can only get worse. If a family member is drinking, look carefully at the effect it is having on everyone. Don't let one problem compound another. Seek help.

Oh Rochel, the book you've selected is wonderful, and so is its author, Lou LaGrand. See this post: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=2100&view=findpost&p=13233

Teny, dear ~ We're thinking of you on this special day of remembrance, and sending all our love. See http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=9486864

Laurie, dear, thank you so much for your message of honesty, hopefulness and reassurance.

Dear One, I'm so sorry for your loss, and of course you still love your daughter and miss her terribly. You may find this video to be of comfort: Dr. Carol Burns & Dr Heidi Horsley discuss the Loss of a Special Needs Child, here: http://www.youtube.com/user/opentohope#p/a/0/xndhTyybUfI ~ and be sure to listen to the beautiful song at the end . . .

Debbie, your pastor sounds like a real gem . . .

Teny, our dear faraway friend, we are here for you, and we will be here for you as long as you need us to be here for you

Shelley, dear, we'll all be thinking of you and Tom tonight . . .

I'm so sorry that you're encountering such remarks, which only serve to discount and trivialize the severity of your loss ~ I know they set my own teeth on edge! I think it may help you to read some informational material about pet loss. See, for example, some that I have listed on the Pet Loss Articles page of my Grief Healing Web site, here: http://www.griefhealing.com/pet-loss-articles.htm. Just click on the titles and you'll go directly to the articles.

EVENT REMINDER: Carla Blowey invites everyone to her DreamsR4Healing Online Chat on Thursday, November 5, 2009 at 6:00 pm MST: Event: DreamsR4Healing Online Chat What: Club/Group Meeting Start Time: Thursday, November 5 at 6:00 pm MST End Time: Thursday, November 5 at 7:00 pm MST If you are a Facebook user, you can see more details and RSVP by following the link below: http://www.facebook.com/n/?event.php&eid=167115151751&mid=1511f39G2ffb348bG305ef11G7 Dream Chat: DreamsR4Healing takes place on the first Thursday of the month (Thursday, November 5), at 6:00 pm MST. Topic: Dream Recall - Tips on Remembering Your Dreams. Q&A and sharing! Log on to Sandy Goodman's Love Never Dies Web site for the chat, at www.loveneverdies4u.org. DREAM ON!

My dear friend, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious companion Jack, and I can assure you that his passing will not go unnoticed here, where you are among new friends who truly understand the bond you have with your fur baby, and the pain you feel at missing his physical presence now. I'm glad that you shared some of the details of his delightful personality with us ~ he sounds like a real character, and I can only imagine the hole he's left in your heart. You have our deepest sympathy . . .

Kay, dear ~ When I think of you, this song (as sung by the Lettermen in the early 60's) keeps running through my mind. It just seems to "fit" somehow: When I fall in love, it will be forever Or I'll never fall in love In a restless world like this is Love is ended before it's begun And too many moonlight kisses Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun When I give my heart, it will be completely Or I'll never give my heart And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too Is when I fall in love with you. - words and music by Edward Heyman and Victor Young

You ladies are wonderful, and I'm very proud of all of you

Oh Kay, I'm so sorry to learn that you're enduring what feels like yet another rejection ~ but as you so wisely observe, this is just a FEELING, not the reality. Nevertheless, it just has to hurt like the dickens, and of course it's nearly impossible not to take this personally! We care so much for you, and it hurts us, too, to see you hurt in any way. I just want you to know that we're all thinking of you and holding you close ~ and you can be sure that you'll have our prayers on December 12 ~ and every other day, for that matter

Marsha, dear, it really doesn't matter what precipitated your current grief attack; what matters is that you're feeling a need for forgiveness ~ and such feelings aren't always rational or deserved ~ they just are. Yesterday I read a series of articles having to do with guilt, regrets and forgiveness, all by Irene Kendig, that I think you may find helpful. You'll find them here: How to Release Regret Compassionate Self-Forgiveness, Part I Compassionate Self-Forgiveness, Part 2

Beautifully said, Kath ~ thank you

Dear Ones, The Grief Healing Blog went "live" on the Internet yesterday, and you are cordially invited to check it out! Formerly known as Marty's Marvelous Resources and aimed only at my grief counselor colleagues at Hospice of the Valley, this blog gives me a way to capture (and share with all of you) what I consider to be "the best of the best" information on the Internet about grief, loss and transition. As I say in my Welcome message, This is my way of sharing with the bereaved – and with those who care for and about them – all the online treasures I find as I work my way around the Internet, in search of the latest and best information having to do with grief, loss and transition. Because I work primarily online, I’m continually exploring what’s “out there” in cyberspace, as I search for grief resources I consider valuable enough to use and to share with others. Whether for my bereavement counselor colleagues and bereaved clients (in response to a given situation or request) or for my own personal interest, I am always on the look-out for excellent articles, books, Web sites and resources – ones that I would consider credible, reliable, and useful enough to recommend to others. In my daily travels around the Web, I’m always discovering valuable resources that I think deserve a wider audience and ought to be shared with everyone who may be interested. Finding useful information about grief, loss and transition is like a treasure hunt for me, and once I find these treasures, I don’t want to lose track of them. I have a need to “put” them somewhere so that others can find and use them, too ~ perhaps more easily and more quickly than I did. This blog offers me a marvelous way to do that. The volume of material available to us on the Internet is exploding, and many of us don’t have the time, the energy, or the inclination to find it, much less digest it all. You might think of this blog as my effort to “search the Web so you don’t have to.” Here you will find announcements of forthcoming workshops, conferences, podcasts, radio and television programs focused on grief and loss, as well as links to recommended articles and other Web sites, along with an occasional book review. If in your own travels you find something you think I should know about, or if you want to share your reactions to anything I’ve blogged about, please send me an e-mail at tousleym@aol.com.

You've asked what brought me here, but I really don't have a short answer to that question! It may be helpful for you to read this: A Message from Marty

Dear One, Your post touches my heart . I am so very sorry for the death of your beautiful daughter Sara Nicolle ~ and I want to welcome you to this warm and caring place, where I promise you will not feel alone . . .

Dear One, I can feel the anguish and pain in your post, and I'm so very sorry for your losses. You have found your way to a very safe and compassionate place. As you feel ready to do so, I hope you'll feel free to share more of the details of your story with us. We are here for you, all bound by the common experience of grief, so you don't have to travel this journey alone.

Ted, dear, you may find it helpful to follow the links in this post: Can Anyone Tell Me if Therapy Helps?

Chai, dear, as I read your post, it seems to me that, among all the stresses of being back at school, you are noticing the absence of those regular sessions with your counselor last semester. I so wish for you that you could find an on-campus grief support group for college students. Did you ever follow up on that information about AMF (National Students of AMF, the Support Network "for college students with deceased or ailing mothers, fathers or loved ones")? That organization now offers an online forum / support group (similar to this one) for students to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and you might want to check it out, here: http://studentsofamf.org/forum/. I know you're busy with your classes and school work, but I also want to encourage you to make some time for journaling ~ it's such an important tool for "telling your story" (translation: processing your grief), and you do have a gift for writing! See, for example, this article: Grief Journaling: Don't Let A Blank Page Scare You. As the first anniversary of your father's death approaches, I think your conflict stems partly from your concern that if you don't find some way to "tell your story," your beloved father will be forgotten. In her lovely article, "Singing Their Song," Elaine Stillwell observes: "Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one's memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joys to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory." [source: Elaine Stillwell, in "Singing Their Song," Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4, p. 24]

Hi Deb ~ Your post shows up perfectly ~ I'm not sure what sort of problems you're having with the site, but I can assure you that all the features are working properly. Have you tried the "Help" link at the top of the page, on the right side? Can you be more specific regarding the problems you're having, so I'll be better able to assist you?

Linda, dear ~ this is probably one of the most difficult aspects of grief and loss: coping with the insensitivity of others. It is a topic that's been discussed here many times. See, for example, Are You Better Yet? Losing It? Given what you've chosen as your life's work, you might think of these encounters with insensitive others as an exquisite lesson in what NOT to say to those who are hurting. What you are experiencing now is the stuff of which empathy is made, and I know your ministry will be better for it. Let it be just one of the many ways you will continue to honor your beloved Brian.

Deborah, dear, make sure you see this topic: Cleaning Closets