MartyT

Mel, dear ~ perhaps your sister needs to walk a mile in your shoes before she is qualified to pass judgment on "how hard a time" you're having. Ask her to read this: Please See Me Through My Tears You asked, "How are you doing?" As I told you, tears came to my eyes . . . And you looked away and quickly began to talk again. All the attention you had given me drained away. "How am I doing?" . . . I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. These feelings are indescribable. If you’ve never felt them you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you. When you look away, when I’m ignored, I am again alone with them. Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They’re nature’s way of helping me to heal . . . They relieve some of the stress of sadness. I know you fear that asking how I’m doing brings me sadness . . . but it doesn’t work that way. The memory of my loved one’s absence is with me, only a thought away. My tears make my loss more visible to you, but you did not cause this sadness. It was already there. When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing what to do? You are not helpless, and you don’t need to do a thing but be here for me. When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you’ve helped me. You need not speak. Your silence is all I need. Be patient . . . do not fear. Listening with your heart to "how am I doing" validates what I’m going through, for when the tears can freely come I feel lighter. Talking to you releases what I’ve been wanting to say aloud, clearing space for a touch of joy in my life. I’ll cry for a minute or two . . . then I’ll wipe my eyes, and sometimes you’ll even find I’m laughing in a while. When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots . . . because I’m trying to protect you from my tears. Then we both hurt . . . me, because my feelings are held inside, causing pain and a shield against our closeness . . . and you, because suddenly we’re emotionally distant. So please, take my hand and see me through my tears . . . then we can be close again – Kelly Osmont, MSW, LCSW, CGP, in What Can I Say and Do? How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving a Loss, © 2000, Centering Corporation Reprinted with permission of the publisher.

Dear Shyman, How horrible this must have been for you! I simply cannot imagine . . . I don't know what if any grief work you've done to come to terms with this, but I hope you know that it is never too late to do that sort of work, with the help of a qualified grief therapist or counselor. At the very least, I'd like to point you to some of the very helpful resources listed on the Death of a Sibling or Twin page page of my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-sibling-or-twin.htm. I also recommend an excellent book by P. Gill White, Director of The Sibling Connection, http://www.counselingstlouis.net/, entitled Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother. The author is a bereaved sibling herself and works as a sibling grief counselor. She was 15 years old when her sister died of cancer. White and her family never talked about the loss until decades later when memories began to haunt her. Her book is a powerful mix of personal reflections and useful information.

Dear Ones, This poem came to me recently via e-mail, and I'd like to share it with all of you. The author writes, Hello, I wrote this poem after my brother's death eleven years ago. It has traveled around the internet a bit and I've received some very touching emails from people telling me it helped them through their grief. Of course, the thought that some little poem I wrote in my own despair may have helped someone else find their way out of the misery of grief is worth more than gold to me. I hope you can use it at your site, and I hope it continues to help others. I just lost my dear mother-in-law last week. I loved her very much so these words are being tested again in my own life. Thanks for your time. Mark Rickerby How We Survive If we are fortunate, we are given a warning. If not, there is only the sudden horror, the wrench of being torn apart; of being reminded that nothing is permanent, not even the ones we love, the ones our lives revolve around. Life is a fragile affair. We are all dancing on the edge of a precipice, a dizzying cliff so high we can't see the bottom. One by one, we lose those we love most into the dark ravine. So we must cherish them without reservation. Now. Today. This minute. We will lose them or they will lose us someday. This is certain. There is no time for bickering. And their loss will leave a great pit in our hearts; a pit we struggle to avoid during the day and fall into at night. Some, unable to accept this loss, unable to determine the worth of life without them, jump into that black pit spiritually or physically, hoping to find them there. And some survive the shock, the denial, the horror, the bargaining, the barren, empty aching, the unanswered prayers, the sleepless nights when their breath is crushed under the weight of silence and all that it means. Somehow, some survive all that and, like a flower opening after a storm, they slowly begin to remember the one they lost in a different way... The laughter, the irrepressible spirit, the generous heart, the way their smile made them feel, the encouragement they gave even as their own dreams were dying. And in time, they fill the pit with other memories the only memories that really matter. We will still cry. We will always cry. But with loving reflection more than hopeless longing. And that is how we survive. That is how the story should end. That is how they would want it to be. -© 2009 by Mark Rickerby mrickerby@yahoo.com Used with permission

Hi Em, I'm hoping you will find this thread helpful: Can Anyone Tell Me if Therapy Helps, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=22388 I also want to share with you the following excerpts from two noted experts in grief: Finding a Good Therapist - What exactly defines a good therapist? The right therapist for you is someone who has the proper training and credentials, experience with the problem you are dealing with, and, most important, someone with whom you feel at ease and able to express yourself openly. Research over the years has shown repeatedly that the degree of comfort and warmth you feel from your therapist can be just as important, if not more so, than what he or she actually tells you . . . – Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, © 2005 by Sameet M. Kuman, Ph.D., p. 109 Choosing a Counselor - Finding a counselor or therapist who can help you with your carried grief takes some work, and then deciding if it is a good match takes even more. In selecting a therapist, you have the right to shop around and ask questions. To do this you may need to overcome some of the passivity that sometimes is part and parcel of carried pain. However, it is critical to convince yourself that you deserve a therapist or group experience that is best matched to your needs. Training, Philosophy, Experience As you explore your options, feel free to ask about the counselor’s education and training. What degrees has she earned? What certifications or licenses does he hold? Reputable professionals will feel comfortable answering questions about their training, philosophy and experience. Do not hesitate to ask about their therapeutic philosophies and the kind of techniques they might use in counseling you. Describe your issues of carried grief and ask how they might work with you. Unfortunately, there are some therapists who should be avoided. Even highly qualified professionals may simply not have worked with or had experience in the area of carried grief. That does not make them less competent; it may simply mean they are not a good match for you and your needs. Again, it is legitimate to ask a counselor about her experience with carried grief. Ask her how many similar clients she has seen. Relationship While this is a very subjective area, the question is: Does this person seem like someone you would be able to work with effectively? Does her personality, answers to your questions and concerns, and office environment make you feel safe and respected? Do you sense that he genuinely cares about you as a human being and about the work you are going to be doing together? Essentially, do you feel comfortable with this person and sense that she can help you? If it does not feel right, then it is probably not right for you . . . A very wise person once said, “It is possible to listen a person’s soul into existence.” In my experience, effective counseling can be the soul’s bridge back from living in the shadow of ghosts to living a life in the light. With this little bit of information and the desire to find the right match for yourself, counseling can be a vital ingredient of your own healing journey. – Living In the Shadow of The Ghosts of Grief, © 2007 by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, pp. 112-114

Mel, dear, you'll find the poem here: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=32247

Mel, dear ~ I'm so sorry . . . Is this the poem you're looking for? Death is nothing at all... I have only slipped away to the next room... I am I and you are you... Whatever we were to each, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, Speak it to me in the same way you always used. Put no difference into your tone, Wear no false air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without the ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolutely unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident. I am but waiting for you for an interval Somewhere very near Just around the corner. All is well. ~ Henry Scott Holland 1847 - 1918 Canon of St Paul's, London

Dear Greeneyes, I'm so sorry to learn of all the difficulties you're facing, and I think it's a shame that your husband's father is making decisions for his wife that really belong to her ~ such as whether to see her son before she dies. While it may be true that there is nothing your husband can do to alter the course of his mother's disease, they both still deserve the opportunity to be together to offer emotional support and love to one another, and to say whatever they need to say to each other. It seems to me that the only power you have in this situation is the power of persuasion ~ Is there anyone else in the family (your husband's brothers, perhaps) who could help you make your case with your father-in-law? The six-months-to-live timetable stems from the fact that insurance companies (including Medicare) will not reimburse for hospice care unless a physician certifies that the patient is terminally ill and is not likely to survive beyond six months ~ but doctors have no way of predicting how long their patients will live, any more than the rest of us can, and insurance companies understand that. When a hospice patient passes that six-month point, the doctor simply re-certifies the person for another six months. You have so much on your plate right now, my dear, and you deserve all the help you can find ~ I hope you'll pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site, where you'll find links to many helpful resources. See especially these pages: Care Giving, http://www.griefhealing.com/care-giving-links.htm Helping Someone Who's Grieving, http://www.griefhealing.com/helping-the-grieving.htm Death of a Parent, http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-parent.htm Death That Brings Relief, http://www.griefhealing.com/death-brings-relief.htm

Jo, dear, I'm so sorry to know what you are going through, and I'm sorry your beloved husband is not there in person to comfort you. I'm sorry, too, that your daughter is not at her best right now ~ but the thought occurs to me that on some level she is terrified that, having already lost one parent, she is in grave danger of losing the other one as well. There's probably a lot of fear underneath all that anger. You're both scared to death about all of this, I'm sure. Is there anyone in your family who could help you offer your daughter some of the comfort, support and reassurance she also needs right now?

Just adorable

Tanya, dear ~ the resources Kath mentioned can be found here: Child, Adolescent Grief Links, http://www.griefhealing.com/child-adolescent-grief-links.htm

Oh Jo, I'm so sorry to learn that you have to endure even more diagnostic testing ~ and if I were you, I'd be just as mad as you are! Please just go ahead and rant and rave and do whatever you need to do to get it out ~ you're not hurting anyone here, and it's just fine with all of us! You are enraged because you find yourself in outrageous circumstances, and feeling outraged is a very NORMAL reaction! Please know that we're thinking of you and holding you close, and we'll all be there with you on Thursday, too . . .

Dear Ones, I hope by now you've both found your way to my Grief Healing Web site, which is filled with information, comfort and support for grieving animal lovers (at www.griefhealing.com). You're right that all too often the pain of pet loss is trivialized by those who do not understand the strength and value of the human-animal bond ~ but you will find yourselves among kindred spirits here. When you visit and explore Grief Healing, see these pages especially: Pet Loss Articles Animal Communicators

I am adding my voice to all of your prayers, and I agree that this little one deserves to have a forever home with Mary Linda! For what it's worth, I felt the same way you did, Mary Linda: I insisted on having female dogs all my life ~ until a male cockapoo named Muffin wrapped himself around my heart. He was the dearest dog I'd ever known ~ and my beloved Beringer, the Tibetan terrier I've loved dearly for the past 13 years, is a male as well. Male dogs are just as lovable as females, and in some cases, even more so. Sounds to me as if this was simply meant to be

Oh Talia, what wonderful, uplifting news! Happy Birth Day, dear little Tabitha ~ we're all SO glad you are here, and we cannot wait to see a picture of you!! Welcome to this world, precious little one!

It is indeed a step, Mel, and an important one. Good for you for noticing it in yourself, and thank you for sharing it with the rest of us.

Bless your heart, Jo ~ I too am pleased that you found us, although so very sorry to learn what you're facing in the wake of your dear husband's illness and death . I hope you will feel our embrace as we join our dear Boo in wrapping our collective arms around you. And please don't feel bad about "jumping right in" ~ that is why we are here: to catch and hold you until you are ready and able to stand on your own . . .

We love you, too, dear Kay ~ and you deserve only the very BEST ~ just like you

Nikol, dear, of course you miss her, but you are NOT alone ~ we're all here for you, right here, right now . . . Can you tell us something about your grandma? What was special about her? Some of your very favorite memories of your times together? How about sharing with us the words to that special song? Talk to us ~ we are listening!

Oh Gail ~ how very wonderful for you! And even more wonderful for that lucky man who found you and recognizes how special you are Hooray for both of you ~ and thank you soooooo much for letting us know! xoxox

My dear Leslie, I’m so sorry to learn of your difficult situation in caring for all these loved ones all these years, and I can only imagine what that must have been like for you. Given the circumstances you describe, I certainly would consider your feeling a sense of relief from the burdens of care giving – along with the guilt such relief engenders – to be a normal and healthy reaction – and no, I do not think you are “heading for a nervous breakdown.” I don’t know how you found us, and I don’t know if you’re familiar with my Grief Healing Web site, http://www.griefhealing.com – but I’d like to suggest that you visit some of the Care Giving resources I’ve listed on my site’s Care Giving page, http://www.griefhealing.com/care-giving-links.htm. I think you will find some of the articles and Web sites listed there to be quite relevant and helpful. I also think you'd be particularly interested in the book entitled Liberating Losses: When Death Brings Relief, by Jennifer Elison and Chris McGonigle. Both authors have lived through their own “liberating losses,” and Chris’s husband Don died after fifteen grueling years of debilitating, progressive MS. The book has been praised by grief experts as "a remarkable and pioneering book about a profound and complex subject not previously addressed or understood . . . a gift to those struggling with unfinished business and ambivalent feelings." If you click on the book's title, you can read Amazon's description and reviews. You might also find this article of interest: Widow Asks, Why Can't I Cry?

Oh Kath, is there any doubt? Your story gives me goosebumps . . .

[Dear Ones ~ I just need to say to Deborah that there is most certainly nothing wrong with your brain. What you said in your post couldn't have been stated any better by any of us, myself included, and I'm glad it came from wonderful you. ]

My dear Eb's Mom ~ Your story breaks my heart, and I am so very sorry this happened to you and your family ~ and to your beloved Ebony. Clearly you did NOTHING to cause this, and under the circumstances I simply don't know what else you could have done but to act as responsibly as you obviously did to protect yourself, your family members and everyone else who came in contact with Ebony ~ even though I'm sure this was one of the most difficult decisions you've ever had to make. Please, please read through some of the other posts in this forum and follow some of the links that have been suggested, especially those about guilt and euthanasia ~ and go to the Pet Loss Articles page on my Grief Healing Web site, as well: http://www.griefhealing.com/pet-loss-articles.htm You need to know that what you're experiencing is absolutely normal, predictable under the circumstances, and therefore something you and your husband can get through and will manage. You need to feel, express, work through and understand all of this ~ and that's what all of us are here to help you with. I'm so, so sorry . . .

Dear Ones, I am pleased to share with all of you the following article, which appeared on the cover of the Arizona Living section of yesterday's Phoenix newspaper, The Arizona Republic: Memorial services can help pet owners find closureby Scott Craven - Jul. 2, 2009 12:00 AM The Arizona Republic This is what Tonya Bunce remembers from the funeral, the details still clear though months have passed: a peaceful Roxy - front legs wrapped around a Teddy bear with ears frayed from chewing - surrounded by loved ones, friends and much of the staff from the veterinarian's office. After the chaplain's comforting words, others shared their favorite memories of Roxy as they said goodbye to the little Yorkie cut down in her prime. For Bunce, who had no idea just weeks earlier that such a service was possible, it was a fitting tribute to a dog who had so touched her life in the 3 1/2 years Roxy had lived before being hit by a car. On that Sunday afternoon in a quiet, candlelit room at Fairwinds Pet Memorial Services, Bunce felt closure for the first time. "It was a blessing," Bunce said. "It was everything I needed." A growing number of people are finding solace in services, ceremonies and memorials dedicated to recently deceased pets. Veterinarians once were asked to simply dispose of bodies, but owners now are spending hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to send furry loved ones off with respect and dignity. Although viewings and memorials are relatively few at this point, those in the "pet aftercare" business say more and more owners are opting for funeral services mirroring those conducted for loved ones. Because who's to say pets aren't loved ones? A growing practice According to a 2008 survey by American Pet Products Association, which tracks the pet industry, 39 percent of dog owners planned to make some sort of burial arrangements for their pets upon death, up from 26 percent in 2004. In addition, 23 percent planned to buy memorial stones, and 15 percent would buy urns for their pets' ashes. Four percent said they would buy grief books to record memories of the pets. None of this surprises Mara Goebel, who leads a pet-grief group at Hospice of the Valley. For years, owners suffered the death of their pets in silence, because if they dared share the depth of their sadness with a friend, odds are the reply would have been, "So? Get another dog (or cat, or bird, etc.)." Now people are realizing it's OK to grieve the death of a pet and to seek a caring shoulder on which to cry. "Animals can take a deep place in our hearts," said Goebel, the hospice's bereavement office manager. "They offer us unconditional love." The bond between pet and human companion is particularly strong among parents whose children have moved out or in adults who never had children, Goebel said. Their pets become their children, and their deaths can be traumatic. And the grieving is as deep, as real, as if they had lost a beloved human family member. The dozen or so who attend Goebel's monthly grief sessions seek those who feel as they do about a lost pet, so they feel safe expressing the kind of sadness others associate only with the loss of a person. Closure in the clouds On a cloudless morning earlier this year, Lee Jones stood on the tarmac of Scottsdale Airport, blowing kisses to a four-seat Cessna rushing down the runway. She waved as it lifted into the air, taking Jones' spirits skyward. Twenty minutes later, her cellphone chimed with an incoming text. That was the agreed-upon signal from pilot Jackie Tatelbaum, now high above Four Peaks. She was about to release the ashes of Katrina, Jones' 19-year-old cat, who three months earlier had been diagnosed with cancer. The arrival of the text also meant it was time to read aloud Jones' handwritten tribute to Katrina. As discussed in a pre-flight meeting, Tatelbaum would speak the words in the air as the memorial was read on the ground. Katherine Heuerman, a friend of Jones' who owns Pet and Animal Lovers Service, a pet mortuary, unfolded Jones' emotional testimony and solemnly read it aloud. Jones looked toward Four Peaks, where her cat's ashes were being scattered among the winds. "This is a wonderful way to say goodbye," a tearful Jones said. "Katrina always loved the cold, loved to lie in the sun on winter days. Now she'll have her wish forever." For Tatelbaum, it was less about the flight and more about the emotional journey of Katrina's owner. That's why the certified flight instructor started Angel Wings Funeral Flights. Since incorporating a year ago, Tatelbaum has scattered pet ashes dozens of times, typically releasing them at about 3,000 to 4,000 feet, where prevailing winds can scatter them as far as 6 miles across (and yes, it is FAA-approved as long as dispersal occurs over unpopulated areas). She was inspired by the loss of her own pet, Bessie, a dog that accompanied Tatelbaum everywhere. She could think of no better way to honor a close family member than sprinkling ashes from above, creating memorials across vast landscapes. And as more people hear about Tatelbaum's service, she expects busier times ahead. She thinks her service is just starting to take off, and she is starting to hear from people with older pets who are planning on animal funerals. Each week, Tatelbaum says, she receives a number of calls from owners asking about the memorial flights, as well as flowers, catering and even limo services. "We're beginning to touch on something," she said. "It's not a trend, it's far more than that." Memorializing the bond For proof of the lasting impact of pet memorials, look no further than Heuerman, who founded PALS in 1986. Over the years, she has seen thousands of pets, from ferrets and birds to horses, each as beloved as the next. When her Irish setter, Duffy, died, Heuerman was inspired to find a more humane way to deal with the death of a pet. She founded PALS so owners could make the same sort of funeral arrangements as they could for any loved one. Heuerman remembers how common it was for owners to leave deceased pets at the vet's, trying not to think about what would happen with the remains. At PALS, clients can spend quiet time with their pet in a private viewing room and watch the cremation process from start to finish (though few choose the latter option). Grief counseling also can be arranged. "People want to show love and affection to their pets even in death," Heuerman said. "Memorializing helps draw closure and helps the life cycle start all over." Those bringing their pets to Fairwinds Pet Memorial Services in Phoenix can arrange everything from simple cremations to a $4,000 funeral complete with chaplain, flowers and limousine to and from the service (although no one has ordered that package, manager Mary Rauchwarter said). Rauchwarter, a former nurse, will groom and prepare the body for viewing, placing it on a favorite blanket, perhaps, and posing it with a favorite toy. Thanks to a large cooler that can preserve bodies up to 10 days, no embalming is necessary before services and cremations. Business has been steady through the recession, Rauchwarter said, as Fairwinds on average conducts 25 cremations monthly and perhaps three viewings (quiet time with the pet) and one funeral (with minister, family and friends). For a funeral or viewing, Rauchwarter often places flowers and candles around the room, suggesting that family members bring photos to place on magnetic boards. She also will arrange a meeting with the chaplain so owners can share something about their pets that can be part of the eulogy. It can be as simple or as elaborate as the client would like, Rauchwarter said. "It's about how much you love your pet," she said. "I've had people borrow money from Mom or do this with credit cards. For some without family or friends, pets replace family. And you want to treat them well in death." With 18-month-old twins and a loving husband, Tonya Bunce had plenty of love in her life when Roxy was killed. But that didn't make the loss any easier, particularly because the accident happened right in front of her. Bunce's vet suggested Fairwinds, and soon she sat down with the chaplain to share details about her Yorkie. Bunce assisted in Roxy's prefuneral grooming, combing the Yorkie's hair into a ponytail and affixing it with a pink ribbon. And after the service, Bunce stayed behind to say her final goodbyes, wheeling Roxy into the cooler when she was finished. "It was the closure I needed," she said. "Roxy was a big part of my life. I still miss her." Bunce now keeps Roxy close, in a box that includes her ashes, collar and favorite toys. The box is on her nightstand, the last thing she sees each night before turning out the lights.

Oh Kay, bless your sweet and caring heart . NO one deserves good things in life more than you do, and we're all SO pulling for you!